not sure why i am sharing this but here it is. my very first memory. not good

i apologize for the size. i had to buy a subscription to the paper so i could view the archives. from there i had to edit the pdf so my name was not visible and then i had to convert it to an image to post here but the size kept getting messed up. if you care enough to actually see the article you will have to save it real fast and magnify it. sorry about that.

anyway i think this obviously goes a long way to explaining why i am the way i am with trust issues and other things.

let me also say that the article has some facts wrong so let me clarify.
obviously it was not a revolver as the gun had a clip. it was a 9mm

the chain of events as to when i woke up and when my mom went across the street is off too so here it is.

i was 6 and this is my first memory.

--

a guy knocked on our door asking to use the phone(1984. no cells). my mother answered and said she would have to get her husband(first mistake)

she gets my dad who was sleeping and when he opened the door(next mistake) to talk to the guy the guy put a gun in my dads face and forced his way in. at this point my mom and dad was in the living room with the guy holding the gun on my dad. he started demanding the keys to the 'sled'
(my mom thinks he aw the harley decal on the back glass of my dads t bird and assumed he had a bike. he did not)

when my dad did not give up the keys he did not have he started hitting my dad in the face and head with the gun. on one of the hits to the head the clip fell out and my mom dove on top of it so he would only have 1 bullet at most.

as soon as my mom dove on it my dad grabbed him and they started to scrap.

from there they made their way into the kitchen. this is where they were when i woke up.

i walked into the kitchen to see the refrigerator knocked down. the phone was ripped off the wall and there was blood all over the place. i dont remember what my dad was doing but my mom had her back to the kitchen sink with the guy in front of her and she was cutting at his neck with a kitchen knife. at this point of course i was freaking and my mom jumped off the guy, grabbed me and took me across the street to the neighbor and started banging on the door.

she left me at the neighbors house and then ran back across the street and back into the house. the neighbor followed her with a big ass pipe wrench and went into the house as well. at this point neighbors wife called the cops.

from there i remember being back across the street at my house with a yard full of cops.

i remember my dad sitting there on our front porch holding his head, bleeding all over the place while the medics that were now there were all working on the guy that broke in.

from there i remember my grandfather puling up in the yard(not sure who called or how that all went down) and he got out of his car and charged the guy that broke in. then i remember the cop(s) pulling a gun(s) on my grandfather and subduing him.

crazy # man

not sure how they knew this bit or who told them but it came through at some point that the guy was dusted up. PCP.
maybe they assumed it cause the 3 of them could not bring this guy down.

i dont recall this dude being very big but i will say my dad was 6' 3" and about 200lbs. he was a pretty rough guy and could definitely throw down. the neighbor was even bigger than him and he was going at the guy with a wrench. my mom was not too shabby herself and was going at the dude with t knife. between all that it took the cops(not sure how many or what they did) to bring the guy down.

in the end he was extradited to texas for another crime and that is the last we heard about it.

like i said not sure why i am sharing this. i was talking to a dude at work about why i am the way i am. why i dont care for people. why i dont trust people. why i prefer not to be around people. why i dont let people over to my house etc etc.

it does not take a shrink to realize this event played a huge part in who i became as an adult and why i feel the way i do about people.

shortly after this we all joined tae kwon do.
i then wrestled in high school and have trained jiu jitsu off and on basically my entire adult life.

after this i distinctly remember my dad rigging up some shelf or hook or something that held 2 guns right above the doorway on the inside facing our living room.

i never leave windows open at night. my wife has to really persist for me to even have windows open during the day. front door is always close and locked. blinds are always drawn. curtains closed.

she always complains to me that she feels like we are in a dungeon even in the daytime but i cant have it any other way.

thanks for reading.

hope you enjoyed this #ed up tale of my first memory in life.



please know i am not posting this for any kind of sympathy. not looking for sorries or any of that. im 40 years old and have come to terms with this. just dont want people to get the wrong idea. just felt like sharing and maybe this will give a little insight as to why come off the way i do.
feel free to share your own crazy #.

this can me trauma fest

It didn't take anything near this radical for me.

I just generally hate people.

It's my default position.

Life is just easier that way.

Well dude you're gonna get a whole lot of sorries and more than a few holy #s too.
That's pretty #ed up for a kid to be a part of.

a reply to: TinySickTears

Kids are so impressionable. Early some of us see things that are not right, from family or in your case some crazy assed douche bag.
Yep it effects us for the rest of our lives, and this is why I try like hell to keep the drama out of the house with kids around. This includes people who are prone to being crazy assed being held at arms length, not a perfect record on me, but it is a concern.

Also you can see the name through the mark and the html for the original is part of your screen shot. If you're trying to maintain privacy you may want to re do that.
Oh and..
💋 Just cuz...

originally posted by: Sillyolme
Also you can see the name through the mark and the html for the original is part of your screen shot. If you're trying to maintain privacy you may want to re do that.
Oh and..
💋 Just cuz...

well i was trying but # it.
not in the mood to care right now but thank you.

took me like a half hour to edit it down the way i did. thought i was all good.

originally posted by: whyamIhere
It didn't take anything near this radical for me.

I just generally hate people.

It's my default position.

Life is just easier that way.

me too man.

i really just dont care to be around people. quick to get agitated.

also when i meet people i assume they are an asshole. if they are not then thats great but if i assume they are awesome and they turn out to be an asshole then i get bummed out.

i just tolerate people because i have to.
never really had friends and never really cared to.
i always keep people at a distance.
i have a few people i call a buddy but they are work acquaintances.

i do feel like i have made a friend though but i still keep him at a distance. it is about 20 years my junior and we work together. i am tech and he is warehouse. we chat a lot during the day if time allows and for the past month or so instead of him going to the lunch room on his break i have been having him come to my office to eat with me. i even adjusted my lunch to 30 minutes later so i could have time to talk to him.
we talk about whatever. current events. life. relationships.

he does not seem to mind my weird ass nature. he is an intelligent dude and does not make me want to strange him after talking and our conversations at work have been the bright point of my day. i actually enjoy it.

the distance is still there though

a reply to: TinySickTears

Yup...that explains it. lol jk bud.

Similar situation as yours when I was a kid.
We lived in a puke green house in Detroit right beside a gas station. I was about 5 at the time - so 1987.
We were in the living room watching the Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.
My mom went to the kitchen to get something and there was a loud smash. She came running back into the living room.
Her boyfriend got up to check it out.
Then I head some loud bangs. Her boyfriend came back into the living room and ran out the front door.
I heard a lot of yelling and more thumping on the side of the house.
My mom was yelling for me to go to my bedroom, when we both heard her boyfriend yell to call the cops.

About a minute later he came walking in and grabbed the phone from my mom and started talking to the police and said what happened.

Some dude was trying to break in through our side door, so he ran out the front door to catch him.
Beat the crap out of him and hes laying beside the house.
He gave the phone back to my mom so she could stay on the line and he went back outside, im guessing to make sure the guy didnt get up and run away.

Turns out the police were already on their way because the guy had just robbed the gas station next door with a knife.

The police arrested the guy and then came into our house. I was told to go upstairs to my room, but I stood at the top of the landing and listened.

They asked what happened, and both my mom and her BF said what we all heard, and that he went into the kitchen and seen someone reaching their arm though the window trying to find the door handle to get in.
So he went out the front to catch the guy.
the guy turned around and moms bf started smacking his head off the side of the house until the guy stopped moving.

They said he did a good job and that they found a large knife on him, and how he had just robbed the store next door.

The next morning I was playing outside and remember seeing blood splatter on the side of the house by the door.
and the stucco was all cracked.
I told my mom and can remember her cleaning it with a rag while her boyfriend drank beer sitting with me in my kiddie pool.

Oh the memories!

originally posted by: TinySickTears

originally posted by: whyamIhere
It didn't take anything near this radical for me.

I just generally hate people.

It's my default position.

Life is just easier that way.

me too man.

i really just dont care to be around people. quick to get agitated.

also when i meet people i assume they are an asshole. if they are not then thats great but if i assume they are awesome and they turn out to be an asshole then i get bummed out.

i just tolerate people because i have to.
never really had friends and never really cared to.
i always keep people at a distance.
i have a few people i call a buddy but they are work acquaintances.

i do feel like i have made a friend though but i still keep him at a distance. it is about 20 years my junior and we work together. i am tech and he is warehouse. we chat a lot during the day if time allows and for the past month or so instead of him going to the lunch room on his break i have been having him come to my office to eat with me. i even adjusted my lunch to 30 minutes later so i could have time to talk to him.
we talk about whatever. current events. life. relationships.

he does not seem to mind my weird ass nature. he is an intelligent dude and does not make me want to strange him after talking and our conversations at work have been the bright point of my day. i actually enjoy it.

the distance is still there though

Even my extended family is worthless.

I have my immediate family which I adore.

I have moved half way across the Country twice.

Just to get rid of family and mooches.

a reply to: Macenroe82

thats a rough one my friend.
on a side note i was born in detroit


used to live on van horn road

a reply to: whyamIhere

i feel you man

my family is my wife, daughter and son.
my son is 21 and kind of does his own thing.

i wouldnt go so far as to say my family is worthless but i really could do without them.
i have a half brother that lives in town and 3 step brothers that live in a couple different states.

i hardly ever talk to any of them and i prefer it that way.
i dont show up to holiday #. none of that for me

i work hard. sometimes i work long hours.
when i am not at work i like to be with my wife and daughter. they are my wolfpack.
they are the only people i trust.

to be fair not many people really get me or even like me very much so its not like people are pining to be with me.
im just kind of a strange bird you know

a reply to: TinySickTears

I was born there too!

We lived on Chalmers st

originally posted by: Macenroe82
a reply to: TinySickTears

I was born there too!

We lived on Chalmers st

i have pictures of me at about 2 years old riding ponies in elizebeth park.

dad worked at the woodhaven stamping plant

dont know how i remember the address but the house i lived at when i was 1-2 was 18650 van horn road

my dad used to drive his lincoln on the lake when it froze

had to move to florida to get robbed



my mom said when i was 1 or so they took me to the ann arbor hash bash.
they were heads

originally posted by: TinySickTears.... im 40 years old and have come to terms with this....

if you had come to terms with it you wouldnt still be living in a self imposed prison... i pity your wife, she isnt inflicting such suffering on herself yet has to live with it just the same cause you choose to inflict it on her. you'd be surprised how big an effect living like that can have on your psyche. you may enjoy it but she clearly doesnt.

if you dont come to terms with it and stop imprisoning yourself and your wife, then she might eventually come to terms with the fact you wont stop and leave you...
if she has already accepted that it wont stop and chooses to stay with you, then i pity her all the more.

a reply to: TinySickTears

Aww...I can't help but feel bad for 6 year old TinySickTears. =(

It also explains why you are into Jiu Jitsu!

originally posted by: NobodiesNormal

originally posted by: TinySickTears.... im 40 years old and have come to terms with this....

if you had come to terms with it you wouldnt still be living in a self imposed prison... i pity your wife, she isnt inflicting such suffering on herself yet has to live with it just the same cause you choose to inflict it on her. you'd be surprised how big an effect living like that can have on your psyche. you may enjoy it but she clearly doesnt.

if you dont come to terms with it and stop imprisoning yourself and your wife, then she might eventually come to terms with the fact you wont stop and leave you...
if she has already accepted that it wont stop and chooses to stay with you, then i pity her all the more.

i guess anything is possible but i doubt it.
she knew all about how i was before she met me. we did nothing but talk and get to know each other for 6 months or so before we got intimate and took it there. she knows everything about me and she knew then so while i thank you for you post i dont think you know what the # youre talking about.
she does not work. when she is home for the day she does her thing.

when i get home # gets closed. she knew this long before we moved into our first place together.
we are best friends and have a great relationship.
while not as serious as mine she has her own trust issues and such that she deals with.

pretty wild that you read some # about me and then think you know what my relationship is all about.

again. thanks for the post but in the end you know # so there is that.

we have a great thing

edit

wanting # locked up when i am home is a far cry from imprisoning my wife. quit being so dramatic.
i work 8-12 hour days. she works 0 so she has all kind of time to do whatever she wants.
when i get home its locked up.
just the way it is.

originally posted by: MotherMayEye
a reply to: TinySickTears

Aww...I can't help but feel bad for 6 year old TinySickTears. =(

It also explains why you are into Jiu Jitsu!

jiu jitsu wasnt the first for me cause i didnt know what it was.
tae kwon do then wrestling.
then 1992 came and i saw UFC and had to figure out this jiu jitsu.

off and on with it my whole life. sometimes life gets in my way. took a few serious injuries so i had to stop for stretches of time. im one of those life long blue belts.

something else that was brought to my attention today by my buddy i was telling you about and i didnt even realize i do this.
i dont do it if it is him or the cleaning lady or a few other people but i do it to the GM or my direct boss or any of the other guys.

if i am at my desk sitting down or anywhere sitting down and someone walks in to talk to me and they stand there and start talking i stand up and back up a couple feet and talk with them. when they leave i sit back down.

i didnt even realize i did this but in thinking about it i suppose i do this just in case i feel threatened i can react.

just another weird thing i guess.

originally posted by: NobodiesNormal

originally posted by: TinySickTears.... im 40 years old and have come to terms with this....

if you had come to terms with it you wouldnt still be living in a self imposed prison... i pity your wife, she isnt inflicting such suffering on herself yet has to live with it just the same cause you choose to inflict it on her. you'd be surprised how big an effect living like that can have on your psyche. you may enjoy it but she clearly doesnt.

if you dont come to terms with it and stop imprisoning yourself and your wife, then she might eventually come to terms with the fact you wont stop and leave you...
if she has already accepted that it wont stop and chooses to stay with you, then i pity her all the more.

------------------------------------------------------------
Nobodies Normal -- Dude/Woman --- you have no place throwing a lecture on this post. Not right to tell someone else how to carry such heavy memories. Experiences like this carve deep marks in a person. I'm not saying you haven't had your own, but coming down like that is far from enlightened.

Speaking from my own journey, all I will offer in the way of advice to anyone ---- Life is brutal and life is beautiful. Do your best to find the beauty. Do your best to love and find some piece of joy in every day.
Don't let the bastards win.

originally posted by: TinySickTears
...
when i get home its locked up.
just the way it is.

your speaking for her, saying how she feels,


i bet you are terrified to actually ask her, let her speak for herself, open a dialogue, find out if she is really as ok with it as you seem to think, as you have convinced yourself.

and if she denies it has any effect on her, then wonder if she is being honest.


here's the thing. you live that way to please your own psyche at the cost of the psyche of those around you. when instead you should be living for their benefit, not your own.


this could also be boiled down to the age old adage, freedom is greater then security and should never be sacrificed for the later.

opening a window in the daytime is a freedom, keeping it locked cause of paranoia or fear from an event that occurred decades ago, is just the sacrifice of freedom for the illusion of security, that window being closed doesn't actually stop anything, its a freedom sacrifice for no good.


eta: just to clarify cause im sure some will jump at the chance to argue such a misunderstanding.
i am not referring to locking ones doors/windows before going to bed, that is logical, everyone does that.

im referring to the idea of refusing to allow your wife to open a window in the daytime because of a fear that was instilled in an event decades old, that is unhealthy, that is illogical, that is the behavior of someone who has NOT "come to terms with it"
that is all im saying, that and he should ask his wife her feelings himself, rather then just assume for her.

those two points are my only. and his hostile reaction, jumping to insult me over that, despite they are logical reasonable points, is very telling...