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-=Application Jokes=-

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posted on Feb, 14 2005 @ 10:56 PM
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While looking through a website I found these application jokes, wouldn't it be hiliarious if these were actually real?


Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire

NAME: _________________________________________________

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
White ( )

TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
Pickup Truck ( )
You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder( )
Playboy air freshener ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
"Ex-wife in trunk" ( )
"If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( )
"Bush/Quayle" ( )
"# Happens" ( )
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )

FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Prolife ( )

Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Grass ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply)
Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Don't Care ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
NRA ( )

How Automatic Weapons do you own? 5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )
________________________________________
WEST VIRGINIA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: (last) _____________
(first) (_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

CB Handle: _____________________

Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
(_)Coal Miner

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
___ Number of refrigerators on front porch

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup: _________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Gun World

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Holidays
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)No teeth
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)can't get there from here

Reason for continued residence in West Virginia:
(_) can't bear to leave brother's behind
(_) daddy won't give me my pants back
(_) liberal wife beating laws

BUMPER STICKERS:
___ Eat more Possum ___ My other car is a piece of # too
___ Honk if you love Jesus ___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't #
___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco ___ Wave if you're horny

Favorite Recreation:
___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin' ___ Skinny Dippin'
___ Craw Daddin' ___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'
___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin'
___ Honky Tonkin' ___ Noodlin' ___ Other

Number of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle
___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws ___ Budweiser
___ Vo-Tech ___ Skoal ___ Coors
___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear

Memberships:
___ KKK ___ NRA ___ Moose ___ PTL Club ___ AA
___ Bass Club ___ VFW ___ Quiltin' Bee ___ American Legion
___ United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___ John Birch Society

Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
___ B.O. ___ Crabs ___ Head Lice ___ Rabies
___ Trench Mouth ___ Runny Nose ___ Bad Breath ___ Chafing
________________________________________



APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS

Name:_______________________________________________________________
Nickname:___________________________ CB Handle:____________________

Address (RFD):______________________________________________________

Daddy (if unknown afix list of 3 suspects):_________________________

Neck colour:____ [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red [] Other

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:_______ Upper:_____ Lower:____

Make of Pickup:_________________________ Tire Size:_________________

Hounds:_____________ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Beagle [] Black and Tan

Length of right leg:__________ Length of left leg:__________
other:_________

How many cars/makes in front yard? _________________________________
How many on blocks? ________________________________________________

How many kitchen appliances on front porch? ________________________
back porch? _________________________

When and where was your last "Elvis" sighting? _____________________
____________________________________________________________________

Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags? [] Yes [] No

Are you married to any of the following? (circle all that apply)

-Sister -Cousin -Cousin's Sister

-Other, Explain:____________________________________________________

Have you EVER had more than one bath a week?
[] No [] Yes, Explain:___________________________________________


*Medical Information*

Do you have at least two (2) of the following: [] B.O. [] Lice
[] Crabs [] Bad Breath [] Hoof in Mouth [] Scabs [] Fleas
[] Infected Tatoos [] Crossed eyes [] Runny Nose [] Green Teeth
[] Yellow Teeth [] Any Teeth [] Speach Impediment

*General Information*

Can you count past 20 without stripping? [] yes [] no [] never tried

Favorite Weapon: [] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle
[] Log Chain [] Shotgun

Favorite Pastime: [] Drinkin' [] Coon Huntin'
[] Fishin' [] Fuedin'[] Other

Truck equipped with: [] Gun Rack [] Fuzzbuster [] 8-Track
[] Rebel Flag [] Roll Bar [] C.B. Radio
[] Beer Cans [] Squirrel Tail [] Bull Horns

Favorite Vocalist: [] Elvis (the young Elvis)
[] Elvis (the old Elvis)
[] Elvis (dead)

Cap Emblems: [] John Deere [] CAT [] SKOAL [] Budweiser
[] Bud Dry [] Jack Daniels [] Teamsters local

Merberships: [] NRA [] VFW [] KKK [] 700 Club
[] B.P.O.E. [] Sine-aid Society

Do you vote? [] Yes [] No [] What's that?

Have you ever been in jail? [] Yes [] No [] Born there

Your Signature (one X will do):____________________________Date:_____

________________________________________


Application to live in New Jersey

NAME:__________________________
NICKNAME:_____________________

ADDRESS: ______________________
EXIT #: ______________________

BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:

a)Sewage
b)Sulfur
c)Garbage
d)All of the above

TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS:

a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS:

a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS:

a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED:

a)Sergio Valente
b)Jordache
c)Sassoon
d)Z. Cavaricci

PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER:

a)100%
b)95-100%
c)90-95%
d)85-90%

TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED:

a)10 - 15
b)15 - 20
c)20 - 25
d)25 and above

# OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME:

a)5 - 10
b)10 - 15
c)15 - 20
d)20 and above

APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY:

a)$5 - $10
b)$10 - $15
c)$15 - $20
d)Stolen

NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS OF OBSESSION/POLO/DRAKKAR TO ACHIEVE DESIRED
EFFECT:

a)10 - 15
b)15 - 25
c)25 and above

GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH?

YES NO

HAIR HEIGHT:

a)6 - 8 Inches
b)8 - 12 Inches
c)1 - 2 feet
d)More than 2 feet

HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME:

a) Hair Spray
b) Styling Gel
c) Mousse
d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
e) Bondo
f) Spackle
g) 40 Weight Oil
h) Crazy Glue

AUTOMOBILE OWNED:

a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
f) Chevette (You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)

NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND:

a)6 - 8 Inches
b)4 -6 Inches
c)2 - 4 Inches
d)Under 2 Inches

CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE:

a) Gold chain around license plate
b) Neon lights around license plate
c) Neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view
mirror
e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) Chrome hubcaps
g) Stick-on window tinting
h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
i) Fuzzy dice

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM:

a) F#%*ing Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders

FAVORITE MUSIC:

a) Techno
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Bruce Springsteen

ESSAY QUESTION:

In 100 words or less, define the term "Yoos Guys".




posted on Feb, 14 2005 @ 10:57 PM
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Job Applications





NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.



posted on Feb, 14 2005 @ 10:59 PM
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Application To Date My Daugther




APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)

NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________

2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: ________________________________________________

7. Number of years parents married: ___________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you? _________________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _________________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _________________________________________________________

12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________

14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):

A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________

C. A women's place is in the __________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________

E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________

16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.


_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)


Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).



posted on Feb, 14 2005 @ 11:01 PM
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A driving application






Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know



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