OK I dont know where to start, im a very private person ive ended up homeless again by choice this time and my things ended up stolen somehow my last
of things I chose to hold as its all I needed for now till I sort things out and get back into employment in new state, I put it in rant as it is
mostly just a rant and I also need advice so I know what Im dealing with.
I just returned to my camp to cook dinner as i adapt easy and take life as it is and outside helps with my head and trees nature. I was going to with
hold all this till the end.
But I need to vent all this is becoming beyond a joke and there is no outlet in a phsycology department or counselling for me to talk about this and
I've chosen to withhold my speculations and opinions, matter of fact on the outside world and now to the online world this is the most I've spoken
about this as I believe my problems are my problems I deal with it till now.
I have no one else to talk to nor someone that will take me seriously as I am free and open to everything I've been alone since the age of 16 have had
a lot of different friends but most I seem were aquantences or just using me be causing of my giving nature or the natural ability to make sure
everyone's happy or on my level of comfortablness and saftetly yet I sense I was played like an orchestra with all instruments strummed and all drums
I seem to be made out the less coherent one and cant make my own decisions or comprehend life and my own actions and mental capacity. Yet others who I
come for advice can't even comprehend my side of the story and put forward a good bit of stern advice or a solution for my problems, just make more
problems as it seems breaking my trust and again like I've always spoke about what I say is not to feel my ego nor to cover my insecurities as I
always strive to never project my insecurities onto another person to come to think I'm only insecure of how I make people feel I geuss.
I am the type that keeps to myself but will help others when needed from general to someone to talk to and give advice , even to some random on the
street and that will be never spoken of by me also to hang with friends other then that I like to be alone and ponder and learn.. I won't tell my
whole life story but enough for the members to understand someones life and rights and respect as well as saftey at stake seeming to be stripped away
slowly from childhood and I need answers away as it started due to constant bullying as it first seemed tactics from school onwards to later in adult
life I didn't notice as it was manipulated and distorted by people i know to randoms because of the indifference and veiws as well as not having any
holds or a set ideology in aspects of life or a follower type to society's norm and structure as well being a solutionest and quick fixer rather then
problem creator, its like for the ones I don't know already know and instantly I'm a threat to them anyways my views and way of thinkinging and free
thought isn't what you would call the general make up of today's way of thought I geuss, I do not judge I take in what people are and understand every
action and verbal made within reason and peoples intellect and general discussion differ as to why some people got bugged because I rarely spoke
through small but talk about truth and try debate on real matters win result in them being angry and anger at me for constantly asking if they are OK
and things like that. I keep holding hope and constantly let down as to why I keep to full independence.
I've been labeled every condescending name under the sun from a conspirast to a crazy to a schitzo angry person even worse things but I let it slide
and took it as there was no need to defend my unintentional honesty as you are what you were brought up and taught by parents. I feel my feelings have
been manipulated, I feel conditioning of my general nature and my mental attitude. I feel kindness and empathy has no place in this world. I'm an
emotional type with a lot of empathy which seems to get tested a lot and my buttons pushed where ever I go. I'm so tired of the way some of society's
cultures can be so cruel to people and because of their own insecurities and psychopathic ways of dealing with things and destroying really can make
me bitter sometimes. Like i get my looks judged, my persona my body language everything yet not once I have uttered a bad word in defence and
retaliation besides in my old relationship that's where learnt most to deal with that kind of stuff. And to top it off also I decided to call my mum
as I'm worried for her health but again I'm alienated and bordered for an unknown was told she's not there she's gone but deep down I know its not
true with no true reason with no explanation and blamed for things I havnt done. I learn from my mistakes and with dudiligence and I am not the one
for tit for tat.
If any one has any advice or a word of thought would be much appreciated as I feel I'm at a crossroads in life with an unseen force and with no
forcing of belief, I've tried every possible angle form 2d ,3d, 4d and 5d metaphorically speaking
Peace + light
edit on 9-1-2018 by Translucentalitheia because: (no reason given)