Did you forget someone this holiday? You know, the same one you forget everyday...

Huge family.

Only three family members remembered an elderly relative with a gift or treat. Only a few Christmas cards too. I mean they can't even send a card? Long-time friends and neighbors did. Hell even one healthcare provider sent greetings.

So done with selfish relatives who never visit, never call, never help with this. But they are the first ones who want something from this person or, worse, have an opinion on how it should all be handled. They're like vultures.

Has anyone dealt with this? Is there any use asking/telling other family to step up? Is help that you have to beg for even good help?

Any tips on how to get a senior to accept that they may need to move in with someone or find a retirement facility? I don't think this person will leave their house but they can't stay either.

Is it better to let them stay? Can they fully grasp the implications? Staying could mean death. Going could mean death. No escaping the stark reality. Is even having the conversation more for us or them?

Do they still drive?
Can they afford a senior retirement setting? As in the availability of assisted help in the complex?

a reply to: kosmicjack

As a commericall/residential mover, I can honestly say the saddest most heartbreaking moves were taking the elderly from their family home and into their assisted living..and more horrific were the relatives who showed up to carry off anything of value or antique furniture they could convince our client didn't need or could not fit in there new accommodations..

Those were the moves I turned down tips and tried to do everything possible to make it quick and easy for the shipper..
The hardest were the pack and loads.. imagine walking into a 90 year old widows lifelong home and having to pack up every picture, every book, every knick knack,every thing to family heirloom jewellery to cooking pots and fine China that's been handed down for generations..and all the while have that 90 year old widow in tears as she recounts each memory, every token of the past..

It was the most difficult thing.. I'm sorry you are in your position, my heart goes out to you and your loved one..

Respectfully,
~meathead

a reply to: kosmicjack

You're right, I'm sorry. I'll remember next year!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year KJ!


On topic.

We've also dealt with this, it's not a fight worth having honestly. We just keep helping and providing company as time permits. Getting others to do this also is a lesson in futility all while being the bad guy for even bringing it up.

a reply to: DontTreadOnMe

Good question. *Finally* they have consented to not driving.

And they can afford assisted living but will most likely refuse. At least initially.

So done with selfish relatives who never visit, never call, never help with this. But they are the first ones who want something from this person or, worse, have an opinion on how it should all be handled. They're like vultures.

They will all grow old one day, karma/god will give them what they have given others. Only then will they realize how painful it is to be forgotten by your own relatives.

a reply to: kosmicjack

#1 sorry and it is a common issue.

You already know the answer the questions you have laid out here.


I would still request help from the other bums, a least you can say you tried. I know you maybe afraid to ask or offend, but screw'em. Do you really want them in your corner to bone you when the chips are down?


.

a reply to: kosmicjack

Very common thing.

Is there any use asking/telling other family to step up?

Absolutely not.
If, as it appears, they have already decided it’s not worth their time, asking them to give a sh*t will be a pointless, fruitless and frustrating endeavour for you, Jack.

People like that don’t suddenly grow a conscience when confronted...
In fact they often become very aggressive and spiteful.


I do wish you all the best, mate.



Edit: Jinmi gets it.

originally posted by: JinMI
a reply to: kosmicjack
all while being the bad guy for even bringing it up.

Cripes that's true!!! My poor relative who is the lead on this effort has been portrayed has the devil himself. So unfair.

a reply to: kosmicjack

"Truth is like poetry, and people ****ing hate poetry." -not me


I hope it works out. Unfortunately it takes more than blood to bind a family.

a reply to: JinMI

Unfortunately it takes more than blood to bind a family.

Very profound.
& something I learned from an early age.

Some of the worst people I’ve ever known are blood relatives.

a reply to: kosmicjack

I can't even believe this post, I could have written it myself.

My mom called to tell me that I was the only one that has ever sent them anything. It was so sad.
She still sends money to everyone, and they can't even send a frigging card. How cheap and lazy is that.

I'm sure like you, there is a lot of back story and it is even more sad when you get into it.
Basically family sucks sometimes.

a reply to: kosmicjack

I would suggest finding an in-home care service. Find someone super friendly that the elderly relative will likely get along really well with. Start out with 1 day a week or every other week that the care giver comes by for 8 or so hours to help out and just spend time with them. Eventually the elderly relative will likely want the care person around more often, and it can become more full-time.

That way it doesn't seem life changing to your relative, and they don't lose their sense of personal worthiness. Ease into the situation with baby steps.

originally posted by: Vector99
a reply to: kosmicjack

I would suggest finding an in-home care service. Find someone super friendly that the elderly relative will likely get along really well with. Start out with 1 day a week or every other week that the care giver comes by for 8 or so hours to help out and just spend time with them. Eventually the elderly relative will likely want the care person around more often, and it can become more full-time.

That way it doesn't seem life changing to your relative, and they don't lose their sense of personal worthiness. Ease into the situation with baby steps.

That is very good advice.

Having seen the situation play out multiple times where the elderly individual goes from being mostly independent to having to pack most of there possessions into storage and moved into a completely unknown environment over night..



Easing into it seems a much better approach.

Thank you for pointing that out.



Respectfully,
~meathead

a reply to: kosmicjack
We learned awhile back that you can't "make" people in to caring individuals.

Like Vector99 & Mike S. has seen, things with the elderly often change overnight.
The family who don't get it, may never, until it happens to them. They are often more trouble than they're worth.

Its a sad classic, and I'm sorry you're dealing with all the difficulties this time can bring.
More power to you for getting it. Life is short.
Life is all about our relationships. How we treat others. Celebrate that.

In-home care by a trusted individual, as mentioned in baby steps sounds like good word.
I'd also recommend a site called agingcare.com - lots of forums with sage advice.... so many in the same boat.

Take care.

Oh gee, I forgot to get a close family member a gift. My wife. She forgot me too. Oh yeah, now I remember, we both agreed we have way too much junk already and formed the perfect gift every year to give to each other.....nothing.

We also make sure we downsize and give some of the junk to Vinnies or our kids or their kids. We do not want to have our kids mad at us for having so much junk they have to get rid of when we die.

a reply to: kosmicjack
Like some others, I could have written this.

As for the asking for help thing---it never hurts to ask. Some of the younger ones in your family may surprise you. They probably think that their help would be inadequate, especially if this is not something they've ever been asked to do. I discovered that when I was on crutches trying to organize a family potluck. They've never done anything faintly like organizing food for several dozen people and the thought of it just blows their minds. However, if you start small, like asking them to do one specific thing...something you can take care of if they fail miserably, you may get a few neat surprises. For sure you'll know who you can count on for help.

I have an elderly relative in the same situation. He wants to die at home. I don't blame him. Fortunately, the decision about his living arrangements is not my responsibility. I wouldn't want to be the one to tell a 91 yr. old WWII vet what he must do. Instead I try to make sure he has at least two healthy meals a day and some extra help with the house from time to time.

You just do what you can and hope for the best.

I forgot to be remembered by a lot of people. It seems like what the eyes don't see the mind doesn't remember.

Such is life.

It's sad that our modern world has less and less regard for the older and elderly.

The older I get, the more I wonder what will happen as I approach elderliness.
Especially with no family....although God know having kids is no guarantee that you will be helped.

Most don't have the funds/resources for assisted living....and hell, many of us don't even have savings anymore....or certainly nowhere near enough.

a reply to: DontTreadOnMe

Had a recent discussion with my fiance on the same topic. Folks aren't having big families much anymore. With them, go away smaller things such as daycare for young ones, help for the elderly/sick/dying. We've distanced ourselves so far from not only our acquaintances but also friends and family. Some living in the same home.

We are losing the humanity and family aspects of living.