Paying my respects. Remember to be careful because in grief we can become emotionally very vulnerable. This is now a time to concentrate on you and
the process of grief.
What to be careful of in my experience is the guilt feelings. They get blown up out of all proportion. Life happens, we do our best. It is NEVER good
enough because we are compromised humans. Much grief has taught me this.
I am not on speaking terms with my Mum and Step Dad. They neglected me too much and were never there when I needed them. Even worse, they treat my
half brother like a King and me like a tramp. I can't cope with it any longer. They have made me mentally unwell. The dynamics are very unhealthy and
I have to sacrifice my wellbeing just to spend any company with them, to the point where every time became a twist of a knife in my heart.
The other week she gave me a piece of awful cake and it nearly killed me. I had an acute astma episode and stopped breathing at one point. It was like
life was telling me to stop giving my Mom access because she was literally killing me and destroying my life. She will never admit to doing anything
wrong in this life, so haughty and living in an illusion, and will not take any criticism without going into a blind rage. I tried to talk, but she
does not have the emotional maturity to solve this and it takes two to solve an emotional puzzle.
I am in an emotional limbo. They are getting old now. I though about what if she dies with this unresolved and then I realized that it is not my fault
because I did want to make things better, but it is impossible. Rather than keep banging my head against that wall I have left them.
Yes, we have our feelings. However, death and loss we all must face repeatedly as we get older. Think of Job; he has a lot to teach us about this. We
must realise that we are mortal creatures, totally in the hands of the Universe. Death is as natural as birth. It is even more honest than birth.
People are born into this world, some with lots and some with nothing; "Some are born to sweet delight and some are born to endless night" (William
Blake and Jim Morrison). In death all will leave with nothing in the same humility. That is why I call death the great equalizer.
I have experienced loss so many times now. I say to you all live every day like it is your last. Make something of it, no matter how small. People
can't bear too much reality and they always put it to the back of their minds, but I tell you tomorrow you may not be here or one of your loved ones
may not be here.
Instead of all this mayhem of selfishness, violence and conflict, cherish the moments.
My Grandmother brought me up. She died aged 54 in my arms suddenly one morning when I was 13. She always loved this beautiful Elvis song. It is
beautifully morbid. A lot of songs Elvis sang people might say are cheesy, but they are just songs that all humans can relate to, rich and poor, the
common experience of us all; love and loss.
edit on 25-12-2017 by Revolution9 because: (no reason given)
Sorry for your loss Flyingclaydisk especially at this time , all I can say is be strong for those around you and grieve when you can.
If there was love in your relationship that love never dies and the memories you will cherish forever.
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