Recipe Funnies!

In my lifetime I've prepared many recipes (my wife and I collect cookbooks too), and as one would expect many we liked and some we didn't. Since the advent of the 'Internut' (my new fav word) there is another source for recipes. One good thing about the Internut is people provide feedback and rate the recipes. Reading these reviews and ratings is not only informative, but sometimes also down right hilarious! Over the years I've collected a few of my favorites. I have literally thousands of them. Today, while looking at some pot roast recipes, I came across another one so I added it to my list. While there I decided to take a read through some of the ones I've collected throughout the years. Chuckling at some of them, I thought I'd share a few..

In the pot roast section alone here are some of the gems I found...

Rating = 5 stars - "We absolutely LOVED this recipe! In fact, my wife loved it so much she licked her plate!"

(wow, should this one go in the 'pets' section? Licked her plate...really? Did you put it on the floor first?)

Rating = 1 star - "Is it just me, or did this dish seem really salty? I didn't care for it at all! I followed the directions exactly. Next time I think I'll try it with a little less than the 3 Cups of salt. ..."

(uhhhh...the recipe called for 2-3 'pinches' of salt! I'll bet that bad-boy sure was pretty salty!! LOL!!!)

Rating = 3 stars - "Meh, it was okay. The plum sauce, bok-choy, soy sauce and water chestnuts was sort of strange though. Plus, how do you stir fry a whole piece of roast like this? ...

(ummmm...the recipe didn't call for any of those items! Are you sure you weren't looking at two recipes at the same time?)

Rating = 5 stars - "Great recipe! My kids loved the mac & cheese along with the nuggets. Nice touch!"

(Mkay, the recipe was for pot roast though! You drank the wine...instead of adding it to the pot, didn't you???)

Rating = 3 stars - "I'm sure the recipe is great, but my whole kitchen caught on fire and now the fire department is coming. And my dog ran away too."

(????????)

Rating = 5 stars - "Outstanding! I can't wait to try this dish."

(LOL!!! You're a frequent flyer on QVC a lot, aren't you??? C'mon, it's okay, you can tell us!)

Rating = 5 stars - "This was fantastic! I never knew how to fillet a fish...until now. Thanks! My husband really enjoyed the little green things in the sauce too."

(I'm not sure I even want to know! Really, I don't!)

And oh so many more!...

Probably the best one of all time was this one (not for pot roast though)...

Rating = 4 stars - "Dammit, just dammit!"

(What, burn yourself, spill something, hernia, pet rock died, bad hair day...what???? LOL!)

Did I mention I am making pot roast for dinner?

LOL!

I do read the commentary underneath the recipes I pick up, but I have yet to find any as great as that. Mostly, I look to find tweaks that make sense to me.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

BWA HA HA!

I'm a meh kinda cook and I imagine the reviews of my food would be 'I'd prefer to be water boarded than eating another bite' or 'this tastes so bad that my Gall Bladder is literally trying to escape my abdomen'

However I do make a tasty Mash potato and roast with vegetables drizzled in gravy, but if you want a roast beef roll with sliced roast vegetables with au jus-Cake's Kitchen is always open, and as one reviewer said "mmm cookie nom nom nom" but that blue guy with no teeth might have been wasted.

As for cookbooks I inherited my grandmothers cookbook and hand to my heart it has a recipe on how to make a cup of tea. Wow Thanks commonsense cookbook!

originally posted by: ketsuko
I do read the commentary underneath the recipes I pick up, but I have yet to find any as great as that. Mostly, I look to find tweaks that make sense to me.

Totally. I don't remember the last time I followed a recipe online without tweaking it per the comments.

I've gotten lucky so far but now that I've read some of the one in the OP, I might be more hesitant, lol.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Ha ha, these were great! You also presented them with charm. Thanks for the laugh.

PS... mmm. enjoy that dinner!

a reply to: Abysha

Well, in most of those cases the recipe itself was just fine. It was the 'cook' who completely failed to either read, follow the directions, or I don't even know what!

Some are just a total crack-up to read!

I've seen many of them where someone would say..."I've never really cooked anything before, and I'm going to make this for my girlfriend/boyfriend, but I have a question..."

...and the recipe would be for some thing like Lobster Thermidor, Coq au Vin or a Souffle'...and it's like you can't even read on because you just know it's going to be a train wreck. The heart is there, but it's hard to imagine the outcome.

FWIW...as noted, tonight's dinner will be a 'simple' pot roast (with just a couple not so simple twists). Though, this one is actually one of ours (i.e. not from a book, or the interNUT). I had actually just been checking something else when I was inspired to write the OP.

Pot roast

- 3lb. Blade Roast
- 3 Tbl Olive oil
- 6-8 whole, unpeeled, carrots cut into 2" pieces
- 2 White Onions, peeled and quartered
- 8 oz. sliced mushrooms
- 2 Shallots, peeled and rough chopped
- 2 C Pinot Noir wine
- 2 C Beef broth
- 1/2 C Dried Currants
- 2-3 Rosemary sprigs (fresh)
- 2-3 Thyme sprigs (fresh)

- Preheat oven to 275F-

1. Add the olive oil to a large cast iron dutch oven (Le Creuset in this case) and heat to a high heat.
2. Add the onions and brown for 2 minutes. Remove and set aside.
3. Add carrots to same hot dutch oven and brown for 2 minutes. Remove and set aside.
4. Brown beef for 2 minutes each side. Remove.
5. Add wine to pot and deglaze with a wooden spoon.
6. Reduce wine for 1 minute.
7. Add back beef, and add carrots, onions, shallots and mushrooms around meat.
8. Add currants, thyme, rosemary.
9. Add beef broth.
10. Cover dutch oven and place in oven for 3-3.5 hours.

Variation - You can add fingerling potatoes (halved) with 1 hour remaining

Note - Right before placing in the oven I like to add about 1/2 C of tomato vegetable juice (i.e. V-8) with a little hot sauce added in. it's that little 'something' taste no one can figure out.

11. Remove, rest...and enjoy the most fabulous "pot roast" you've ever eaten!! Absolutely exquisite fare...as fine as the finest 4 star restaurants on planet Earth!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Some things should not necessarily be attempted by complete cooking novices.

Some people are completely clueless that absolutely classic and simple dishes can be just as impressive as the difficult ones when made with care and quality and you don't have to be a master or experienced chef to pull them off.

originally posted by: Flyingclaydisk
a reply to: Abysha

Well, in most of those cases the recipe itself was just fine. It was the 'cook' who completely failed to either read, follow the directions, or I don't even know what!

Some are just a total crack-up to read!

I've seen many of them where someone would say..."I've never really cooked anything before, and I'm going to make this for my girlfriend/boyfriend, but I have a question..."

...and the recipe would be for some thing like Lobster Thermidor, Coq au Vin or a Souffle'...and it's like you can't even read on because you just know it's going to be a train wreck. The heart is there, but it's hard to imagine the outcome.

Oh, I totally get what your saying. But that means equally clueless people might be suggesting modifications.

I loved American style lemon coolers from the 1990's. Tried making shortbread but was never again good. Found a way of synthesizing them using common household grocery items:

1. Shortbread biscuits
2. Lemons
3. Cooking sugar
4. Plastic bag

Take the lemons, cut them in half and squeeze drops of lemon juice onto each shortbread biscuit until each side is saturated. Don't use too many drops otherwise it will become all soggy.

The next stage is to ensure each biscuit gets a good amount of cooking sugar. The best way I have found is to use a plastic bag filled with some cooking sugar and give each biscuit a good dunking in that bag.

A whole selection of shortbread biscuits can be converted in minutes.

"Gawwd, I've burned myself...this, after cutting my finger(s)!. I've tried so hard, and I have not done well. I hope they like it!".

And they will. Afterall, it's the 'heart' that counts. And, you will learn; sometimes hard lessons, but learn you will.

Cooking good food is sometimes a hard lesson, maybe always a hard lesson. Cooking 'easy' food is, well, not that good.

Cooking good food is a lesson in pain and patience, a lesson in understanding, process and even chemistry. Cooking truly great food is an exercise in fire and fear. Overcome these things...and you can "cook".

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

'this tastes so bad that my Gall Bladder is literally trying to escape my abdomen'

hahahaha!

Love it

My wife is banned from getting any recipes off Pintrest. She makes some of the best recipes anywhere, some were handed down in the family, and some come from old cookbooks we have. Some of those cookbooks are written by local input, so the recipes are just right for our taste, not highly spiced with spices we do not like.

I actually have been studying old recipes and doing a lot of testing of tastes and how they go together. I am not limited to following recipes, I can create them, I have been cooking for fifty years and paid attention to the friends and relatives who taught me how to cook. I was cooking breakfast for the whole family already when I was ten years old, I got up an hour earlier than them and started preparing things. I developed my own pancake recipes and frostings over the years, modifying recipes I found in cookbooks and experimenting.

Start by getting flavorful natural aged beef or chickens that are locally raised and are fed right and run around and you need way less spices and salts to give the meats taste. A little sour cream or yogurt in the homemade pancake mix will increase the flavor, but you may need to add a touch more sugar to get the right taste. It also works in frostings to increase the flavor. Gee, I gave out some of my best secrets. Oh yeah, fry those pancakes in butter, they come out nice and crispy. A little coconut oil with the butter also increases the flavor a lot.

Update - So, FCD writes his own review...

"Rating 3.5 stars - "Kind of disappointed actually. The meat wasn't as tender as I'd hoped. It was 'good', but it wasn't fantastic (as in the past). I think the cut of meat was fine, I just think it could have gone longer (i.e. cook's error..yours truly). It wasn't overly 'saucy', but I feel like I should have reduced the wine down just a bit more; it didn't really have that 'hook' in the meat. I also don't think I browned the onions enough at the beginning (didn't get a lot of that 'grunge' to glaze off into the sauce). All in all it was 'good', at least per the wife, but it was really only just 'okay' in my book. Next time, more currants, more browning of the onions...probably skip the mushrooms. Oddly, the potatoes were the highlight."

Honest review (of my own dish).

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Three cups of salt! Ack!

Heh, we discovered the hard way last weekend what happens when you bake fruitcake without the sugar.

Both of us right there and we skipped right over it when making the syrup portion.

Two loaves ... right into the garbage as soon as we figured out what went wrong because the best part was that we knew something wasn't right, but we couldn't figure out what. We kept missing that we'd skipped sugar.

I tinker with than every year, and this year instead of using water, I'd used a mixture of OJ with some brandy to rehydrate the raisins and currants and add liquid to the batter, so we were hung up on that being the problem.

Then we tasted it and became clear ...