Please help me.

originally posted by: theatreboy
Thank you all for advise. I know what i need to do, but it does hurt. And honestly, i am scared.

Of course it hurts. Of course you are scared. Completely natural feelings in that situation. You can still feel, that is great, even if the feelings are not that great. Prolonging the current situation can lead up into you feeling nothing, or feeling only bitterness.

I am not an expert of your situation, but i have witnessed this sort of stuff and i have been cheated on. Time will heal you, but you will need to be in a healthy environment in order to thrive.

a reply to: theatreboy

Here's some food for thought regarding your situation. My friends growing up had two wonderful parents. Even though they were both great people, their marriage had many ups and downs. I don't have proof, but I swear her mom cheated on her dad. She was an alcoholic, and kept flirting with my other friends dad. It got so bad that they didn't sleep in the same room for years.

Whenever my friend would get on the subject, there was always one thing that she kept saying......"I wish they would just get a divorce". See, her parents stayed together for two reasons; One, for the children. They wouldn't get divorced because they felt it would mess with their children. Two, bills. They had so many bills they felt it would be better to stay together and pay'em off.

So I understand if you're wanting to keep it going for your daughter, but your daughter is smart, she will see what's going on, and if your relationship keeps going the path that it is, she may end up with the same thought process my friend did. If you're really concerned, try talking to her. Ten year olds can be smarter than people give them credit for. She may see how her mom hurts you. She may think you drove her mom to it. Who knows??

originally posted by: Necrobile
a reply to: theatreboy Ten year olds can be smarter than people give them credit for. She may see how her mom hurts you. She may think you drove her mom to it. Who knows??

Great post, real-life experience!

"She may think you drove her mom to it" even worse, the daughter might think she herself is the one to blame.

Sorry to hear this brother. You should've left her ass 7 years ago. I hope you are prepared for your life to be a lot more difficult moving forward. This woman has pretty much ruined your life. You need to get out now.. stop the bleeding before its too late.

originally posted by: theatreboy
So i do not even know where to begin.

My wife cheated on me 7 years ago, and i caught her again last night. Mind you, she does not work...she sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, everyday. Gets up, goes online, and watches tv until she goes to bed at 3 in the morning....in another room.

I would walk in an instant, but we have a 10 year old daughter.

I am lost and messed up right now. And alone.

You are perpetuating this whole thing every single day over and over, week after week and you do nothing. The second you DO? She will react because she will HAVE to. And the daughter? She's not stupid. She's most likely seeing the discord/indifference.

Get a backbone, pack a bag and split. Drop all contact for say a week. 1 thing for sure will happen. She will be forced to take notice, and react.

Good luck....PS. Get MOVING! Dont drag your feet. Your tomorrow begins the second you do...

a reply to: theatreboy

Now, in this thread, you have been told to "Get a backbone" and "Grow a pair". I tried to be more gentle but i agree with those statements. They were not insults, they were for your own good and for your daughter's good. Keep us updated!

originally posted by: mysterioustranger

originally posted by: theatreboy
So i do not even know where to begin.

My wife cheated on me 7 years ago, and i caught her again last night. Mind you, she does not work...she sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, everyday. Gets up, goes online, and watches tv until she goes to bed at 3 in the morning....in another room.

I would walk in an instant, but we have a 10 year old daughter.

I am lost and messed up right now. And alone.

You are perpetuating this whole thing every single day over and over, week after week and you do nothing. The second you DO? She will react because she will HAVE to. And the daughter? She's not stupid. She's most likely seeing the discord/indifference.

Get a backbone, pack a bag and split. Drop all contact for say a week. 1 thing for sure will happen. She will be forced to take notice, and react.

Good luck....PS. Get MOVING! Dont drag your feet. Your tomorrow begins the second you do...

Some real Edge of Tomorrow action you described there.

Pretty much has been Live, Die, Repeat Live, Die, Repeat for this guy. I think he'll finally make a move after he reads all this advice.

Why do you keep enabling her?

Your support is what is letting her treat you like this.

I respect wanting to stay together for the children, but that only works out if both parents are on board, and it doesn't sound like she is.

Both of you need to go to counselling. Figure out what is going on to get a deeper understanding. If you want the relationship to work you have to do this. The cowardly thing to do is say dump her ass or cheat on her. Find out what is missing and why the cheating happens. If she is depressed about something (like not being able to work or find work) then maybe it is pushing her in a bad direction to do something out of desperation or high risk to get a thrill out of life. Do what you think is best for your daughter.

a reply to: theatreboy

Document and get as much information about her infidelity then file for divorce. She will never change her ways. Once a cheater always a cheater. Children are more in tune with their parents relationship than what we think. If she's cheating on you now and doesn't work or leave the house much, just imagine how much she would be cheating on you in the work place! I feel bad about the situation you're in, but sometimes a bad situation can open the doors to a better life for you and your daughter.

originally posted by: theatreboy
So i do not even know where to begin.

My wife cheated on me 7 years ago, and i caught her again last night. Mind you, she does not work...she sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, everyday. Gets up, goes online, and watches tv until she goes to bed at 3 in the morning....in another room.

I would walk in an instant, but we have a 10 year old daughter.

I am lost and messed up right now. And alone.

First, I am sorry you two are going through this. Seeing a snapshot into a dysfunctional relationship like what you gave us immediately makes a person cringe and get angry.

It is also important for you to reexamine how it got there. You say she doesn't work and sleeps until the afternoon. Does anybody get your daughter out the door for school in the morning? Does your wife suffer from insomnia or any other sleeping disorder? Was she always doing this? Do you know what she's typically doing online? Does she sleep in another room because one of you snores or doesn't sleep soundly?

And does she fully acknowledge that she betrayed your trust twice?

I am not asking you to answer these in the thread if you do not want to; I'm just asking you to at least retrace the years and see where it went off-track.

originally posted by: CulturalResilience
Cheat on her, with one of her friends or sisters if she has any. If not then a women that is younger thinner and hotter than she is. Let her know how it feels. Just to add, Women will offer you advice in this matter, disregard that advice completely.

That's the most stupid advice yet. Cheating on her makes you no better than her and can come up in court during a custody fight. Stupid advice.

PS: And what will the daughter think when she finds out about his cheating? Stupid advice!

a reply to: staple

OP will get joint custody. They will only remove custody from a parent if they are in trouble with the law or an endangerment to the children.

Op will pay child support and probably spousal maintenance. For at least 7 years he has given her a "laid back", all things are taken care of lifestyle.

If the wife is not working and sleeping til mid afternoon, and the OP holds a steady job, it's very likely the OP will get full custody and not pay any child support, unless the wife suddenly gets a job to prove to the court that she's a fit mother.

originally posted by: Skywatcher2011
Both of you need to go to counselling. Figure out what is going on to get a deeper understanding. If you want the relationship to work you have to do this. The cowardly thing to do is say dump her ass or cheat on her. Find out what is missing and why the cheating happens. If she is depressed about something (like not being able to work or find work) then maybe it is pushing her in a bad direction to do something out of desperation or high risk to get a thrill out of life. Do what you think is best for your daughter.

She cheated on him.. probably multiple times by this point. This guy needs to get out, and stop being a door mat. He needs to reclaim his dignity, and move on.

OP you better file for divorce before she does, or you won't have a leg to stand on.

originally posted by: CharlesT

originally posted by: CulturalResilience
Cheat on her, with one of her friends or sisters if she has any. If not then a women that is younger thinner and hotter than she is. Let her know how it feels. Just to add, Women will offer you advice in this matter, disregard that advice completely.

That's the most stupid advice yet. Cheating on her makes you no better than her and can come up in court during a custody fight. Stupid advice.

PS: And what will the daughter think when she finds out about his cheating? Stupid advice!

Newsflash Captain Sensible. Men generally don't win custody battles in the feminazi divorce/theft/industrial complex, circumstances play little, to no part in outcomes.

a reply to: theatreboy

My heart goes out to you... this cannot be easy to deal with. But it's really awesome that your first priority is your love and concern for your daughter. She needs a hero and I'm so glad she has you to be that hero. I'm one of those dastardly women that you were warned not to pay attention to... but I hope you'll at least consider my words as you go forward.

How you handle this today is going to define not only your relationship with your daughter, but it will define your daughter as well... how your daughter looks at herself and thinks of herself. Whether we like it or not, mothers are a girl's first and primary role model. If your daughter cannot love her mother, she cannot love herself. So whatever you do, remember that how you do it is at least as important as what you do. If you cannot forgive her mother, and you just throw her to the wolves as irredeemable and unforgivable, your daughter will forever expect that one day she may do something which you will also find irredeemable and unforgiveable and you will cast her to the wolves the same way. This doesn't mean that you turn a blind eye to your wife's faults. It means that you find a way to put it in the absolute best light.

In other words, for example, you tell your daughter that, "Your mother isn't a bad person, she just made some bad decisions." Or, "Your mother has lost her way, and she's going through a tough time right now, but she has to find her way on her own -- we can't do it for her." Or, "Sometimes married couples just can't make it work, but I still care about your mother and want what is best for her -- even if it's not with me."

I know you want what is best for your daughter -- and for yourself. But what's best for you is what's best for your daughter... and what's best for your daughter is what's best for her mother.

I would suggest that for now you focus on a fair and reasonable legal separation agreement with your wife, with the help of an attorney or mediator -- if your wife is agreeable and cooperative. You didn't mention where your wife's head is at, so I'm not sure if that's an option. But I hope so for your daughter's sake. The best thing for your daughter to see and understand right now is her parents (both of her parents) working together for the best possible outcome under the circumstances. A huge part of parenting is teaching our kids how to deal with our mistakes -- and the crap thrown at us through no fault of our own.

And also, if possible, maybe consider if the two of you can stay in the same home (without constantly fighting and/or killing each other) even while legally "separated." I have known of two couples who successfully managed to do so -- one couple because it was best for the children, and one couple because they just couldn't afford to support two households. The first couple actually erected a "she-shed" in the back. The second couple turned their garage into a studio apartment. The first couple eventually reconciled; the second couple eventually divorced. But in both cases, it worked out best for the children. At the very least, if you could do so at least initially, you can better prepare for eventually moving out (or your wife moving out), without putting anyone in dire financial straits.

In the case of the second couple I mentioned, the wife was an alcoholic who was neglecting the daughter (she was in her early teens at the time), and the separation agreement stipulated certain conditions for the wife such as regular attendance at AA meetings, getting the kids off to school and picking them up after school, and even requiring the mom to go to school to obtain marketable skills so that she could support herself eventually. The wife balked a little at first, but did finally agree. (I don't think she had much choice!) In the end, it helped the wife be a better person AND a better mother. And that was the best thing for everyone.

As hard and as unfair as it may seem, your daughter needs you to be the bigger and better person right now. Maybe she always will need you to be that person. But seeing your daughter flourish and thrive with your honorable and loving example will be the greatest reward you will ever know.

I wish all of you the best of luck and the brightest blessings!

Take your daughter and leave, you are just teaching her that this is how a family operates.