Please help me.

So i do not even know where to begin.

My wife cheated on me 7 years ago, and i caught her again last night. Mind you, she does not work...she sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, everyday. Gets up, goes online, and watches tv until she goes to bed at 3 in the morning....in another room.

I would walk in an instant, but we have a 10 year old daughter.

I am lost and messed up right now. And alone.

a reply to: theatreboy

Your daughter... will adapt and overcome. Its better for all if you part ways with your spouse. Clearly that has no steam left. It won't be easy, it will be a slew of adjustments for everyone involved but in the end, yours, hers, and your 10 year old daughters happiness and overall quality of life is more important.

Good luck!

a reply to: theatreboy

Here's some hard truth. You are enabling your wife to continue this behavior by not leaving her so expect it to continue. The fact you have a 10 year old daughter should not preclude you from making an adult decision in the best interest of your daughter.

I am speculating if this behavior by your wife is so prevalent then there cannot be much in the way of a healthy relationship which will also be apparent to your daughter. You certainly don't want your daughter being raised in such a dysfunctional relationship and seeing it as a "normalized" manner between a husband and wife.

Don't get me wrong...we all have some level of dysfunction within our romantic relationships. However, there is a point where you have to realize this is not a healthy environment to raise a young daughter. You would be better off as a single parent with your child where eventually enough time will pass and she will hopefully grow to see you in a healthy relationship.

Now that I've said that I do realize there are a myriad of unknowns such as your wife's relationship with your daughter. Do they have one? Are they close? Does your daughter idolize your wife? Will your wife fight you for custody of your daughter? Etc...

If you do leave her and she does want to battle you in court just be prepared for a lengthy and potentially nasty battle. However, if you keep in mind your efforts are in the best interest of your child then you will persevere. I'm sorry this happened to you but you need to forget your feelings and accept that your wife is and will continue to be unfaithful. You need to emotionally disconnect from the brain telling you to stay together because of your child and do the right thing in the best interest of your daughter.

I'm nobody on some Internet forum so don't take my word for it. Perform some due diligence and educate yourself in advance of making a life changing decision. Be prepared mentally, financially, etc. if you choose to leave this woman and fight for custody of your child.

Infidelity in certain courts in the country carry a lot of weight for child custody cases. It varies state by state so, again, perform some due diligence. Contact a local family law attorney. Someone who is good. Very good. Go get a free consultation and lay it out for them. They are the experts in how it will play out and they can give you much better advice than I can.

Good luck. Don't let it consume you. Keep your daughter first in your thoughts.

a reply to: theatreboy

It sounds like it's time for changes. She can't be raising your daughter to the best of her ability if she's sleeping till mid-afternoon. The kid will have to make breakfast and lunches on her own without the company of mum. Not a great role-model.

Maybe some professional guidance is required to see what can be fixed.

originally posted by: UberL33t
a reply to: theatreboy

Your daughter... will adapt and overcome. Its better for all if you part ways with your spouse. Clearly that has no steam left. It won't be easy, it will be a slew of adjustments for everyone involved but in the end, yours, hers, and your 10 year old daughters happiness and overall quality of life is more important.

Good luck!

My parents divorced when I was 15 or 16..

In the long run it was a major positive for all parties involved. When it first happened I was slightly relieved but incredibly lost and heartbroken..

Now we all love each other and in fact I think my dad wants me and my mom and my baby brother over for dinner/drinks/fire time tomorrow night.

It's hard, but it's easier than dragging a dead wound that will only kill everyone inside everyday that goes by, like some sort of passive aggressiveness resentment without the aggression.. a wasting disease.

Healing comes after the break. But dragging a broken leg hurts more in the long run.

That's just my personal experience as the kid involved wondering if I could have been a better kid..

Life man.

I don't think it's a good example to set to a daughter or son that you should settle for less than ideal.. there is no hope or growth in that settling.. like sedaments at the bottom of rivers containing FOSSILS.

Just my take.

a reply to: theatreboy

First of all, i feel bad that this happened to you. But glad you reached out for advice from us here!

Now, a ten year old is old enough to sense things. She knows something is "off". And cheating in a relationship just does not suddenly stop just like that. It is very similar to hitting a spouse. If it happens once, it will happen again.

Stay strong, your daughter needs you to be strong now. You will get through this.

It sounds more to me like a opiate addiction. ? That is the same scenario that I'v known with addicted individuals, including the cheat meetings...... and daughter...

Let it go.

Not caring is the key to escaping the situations where you will never "get what you want".

It's true, desire is root of all suffering. What you desire is a certain behavior from your "wife". Once you let go of that desire, her actions cannot harm you.

a reply to: theatreboy

Cheating how? Brought another into the home or more of an online "fling"? Sepetate room's too? What can you tolerate? What do you deserve? What do you want out of a partner? Ever wanted to bring in a 3rd for experimrntation? Has she? Have you talked about all this with her? Are you mentally capable of hearing something you dont wanna hear from your spouse?

Look man, I'm on my 3rd marriage. We've always slept in the same bed unless one of us were dealing w/ imsomnia...sounds like yall dont communicate and your marriage is falling apart.

I certainly feel for you either way. It is never easy feeling betrayed by your spouse. My best advice is to clear your head and ask your inner-self or your holy-ghost for guidance. Be a good dad to your daughter. She's gonna need a Father figure more than ever if ya'll split.

What does your gut tell you? There is no right or wrong answer my friend. Sorry for your pain and best wishes.

The relationship is TOAST. Think of how many times you didn't catch her.
Turn off the internet. Get a house phone. Cancel her cell.(get the call logs first) Document everything.

OP will get joint custody. They will only remove custody from a parent if they are in trouble with the law or an endangerment to the children.

Op will pay child support and probably spousal maintenance. For at least 7 years he has given her a "laid back", all things are taken care of lifestyle.

7 years with a dead bedroom is terrible. The good news is it's only 8 more years if you stay married or only 8 years of child support payments.

Get fit. Do something that makes you happy and don't' worry too much about your daughter. Kids are pretty good at adapting. If you wait or continue your current relationship with the wife your daughter in a few years(3-4) is going to have a teenager gold mind of issues and problems. Better to handle it now while she's your little girl.

originally posted by: Finspiracy
a reply to: theatreboy

First of all, i feel bad that this happened to you. But glad you reached out for advice from us here!

Now, a ten year old is old enough to sense things. She knows something is "off". And cheating in a relationship just does not suddenly stop just like that. It is very similar to hitting a spouse. If it happens once, it will happen again.

Stay strong, your daughter needs you to be strong now. You will get through this.

true... i was 11 years old when i sat my parents down and told them it was time for them to get divorced, ... they were just relieved!

Get a lawyer right now.

Dump her.

Just ensure you get access to the daughter and the dumping is amicable.

There's a little 10 year old who is already heartbroken whether you know it or not. Get her some help first.

See an attorney. Don't make war with the mother. Do the right thing-but protect that little girl with everything you've got-even if it means being nice wheb she witches out when you divorce. Be that Dad-be the good guy.

You won't regret it-but, divorce it must be.

Your wife evidently has no respect for you or your daughter,being in a volitIal situation does more harm in the long run,do it while your young,otherwise you'll have 2 problems on your hand,daughters learn from their mothers,hers isn't a great example

Most of the posters above are correct. Living in a loveless marriage will indeed also hurt your daughter. You can take their advice and dump her OR choose to ignore her infidelities and decide to see yourselves as essentially roommates for the remainder of your daughter's youth.

Ask yourself how important it is for YOU to find happiness in life. Will you be able to start again in 8 (or more) years when Your daughter is grown up? How will you feel if she falls into the habit of cheating on her mate one day? Or is the one who is cheated on.

Also, in a different note, consider how much value you place in your wife being faithful to you. After all, sex is just an outlet, a physical release that's generally only a few moments long. Are you willing to accept that she continues this behavior? Would you be willing to continue being with her if she kept doing it? What if she quit? Can you possibly have any element of trust from here on out? What are you giving up by not acting?

8 years is a long time to delay your own life.

Cheat on her, with one of her friends or sisters if she has any. If not then a women that is younger thinner and hotter than she is. Let her know how it feels. Just to add, Women will offer you advice in this matter, disregard that advice completely.

a reply to: theatreboy

It would appear from the scant info that you provided that you lost joint control of your marriage years ago.
I was in a similar situation years ago. Don't prolong your misery but be prepared to be in charge of your own life. If you are of the type to submit to whatever your mates wants then to exert yourself in your OWN life will be difficult. But it can be done. Remember that old, but crude saying, "Grow a pair." Easy to say but hard to do.

Thank you all for advise. I know what i need to do, but it does hurt. And honestly, i am scared.

originally posted by: theatreboy
Thank you all for advise. I know what i need to do, but it does hurt. And honestly, i am scared.

It is very scary, yes.

But the posters above are correct. Staying for your daughter is an excuse to avoid the fear of ending it.

But this is no relationship you're in. It's an abusive partnership. Because ask yourself, what are you getting out of this relationship? Anything? Comfort? Emotional support?

And getting out of abusive relationships is hard. But your life will be so much better if you can. Good luck.