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My Best Friends Fiasco. um, I mean Fiance

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posted on Dec, 1 2017 @ 09:14 PM
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a reply to: Mike Stivic


I spoke out to my friend , he listened to what I had to say ,he disagreed and still chose me as his best man, and even though I don't like it I will bite my tongue and be there for him moving forward, because that's what friends do..


Yes. You've done all you can. To continue to badger him will seriously damage your wonderful friendship. Just be there for him if/when things go wrong. Because as you said, that's what friends do. I think you are very wise.




posted on Dec, 1 2017 @ 09:28 PM
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a reply to: angeldoll

Thanks, rationally I do not see another option.

And again I appreciate everyone giving me a space to vent. I dont make threads often, one or two a year on average.. but this has been gnawing at me and I just wanted to get it out.

Thanks again folks.



Respectfully,
~meathead



posted on Dec, 1 2017 @ 09:58 PM
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originally posted by: CJCrawley
a reply to: Mike Stivic


As I said we are family.


Sounds to me like you are overly critical about your friend's choices of partner. Would any of them match up in your eyes?

If she were perfect...would that be okay with you?

You say you are like brothers but you are NOT brothers; and even if you were, what gives you the right to tell him what you think of his missis? I would take offence at that!

Give the guy a break, he wants to settle down and be happy. His ideal partner wont necessarily conform to your ideal.

I know it's tough when a good friend gets hitched and you don't see as much of them as you'd like.

But hey ho, that's life.


I feel like I need to address this, even though I know I shouldn't...

Ok here goes, I'll keep it brief..

He deserves an honest woman who loves him..

If you think those are outlandish standards set by a jealous friend set to destroy his happiness..., that says a hell of a lot more about you then me..

Respectfully,
~meathead



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 04:27 AM
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honestly mate, all your life you have looked out for him.
give it one last crack, lay it all out for him, the pro's and the cons.
but if i were you, and i have been in your situation after you tell him the last time
let him go like the little Toro Nagashi on the river.



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 05:25 AM
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a reply to: Mike Stivic

Respecting another person's free will and right to love whomever they want, regardless of how much different your choices for him would be if you were running his life for him instead, is truly the best thing you can do for someone you care about who's in a situation like that. You said your piece and he thanked you, but decided to stick with his own choices, for better or worse.

Not a thing wrong with that. Everyone should be free to make their mistakes (subjective) along their own personal path. He sees something there that you don't, which is perfectly appropriate since he spends more time with her and knows her intimately. All you see is the stuff that offends you personally.

You're doing great. It's hard to understand other people's choices in partners sometimes. Love is a strange thing. Just remind yourself that free will exists for a purpose, even if the choices seem misguided to your limited view of the whole picture, and you can't possibly go wrong.




posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 06:16 AM
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a reply to: one4all

Guess I missed the previous poster who also recommended taping her.

So, he knows. And he's gonna marry her hell or high water. You are right. You can ONLY stand by and wait for him to suffer enough and be there for him when he's had enough.

Unlike you, when my best friend was marrying a complete turd I had not had a chance to meet yet-long story-I ran to meet him waiting to go into the church-what a loser-ran back where my best friend was dressing in her bridal stuff and told her what a loser he was and begged her not to marry him to the shock of everyone in the room-even her mother. I didn't care what anyone thought of me-I cared about my friend. I was so right-after having a child-they divorced within 3 years and he never was a near-decent father or husband. But I just cared too much and took the risk of our friendship.

We've been best friends for 44 years. We laugh about that but we are always honest with each other-sometimes it hurts but we respect each other.
edit on 2-12-2017 by Justso because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 06:57 AM
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a reply to: Mike Stivic

It's pretty fascinating and often times tragic too, how much our relationships with our parents (especially the opposite sex parent) influence our choices in mates. Your friend's Mom was an alcoholic who abandoned him and now he keeps repeating that pattern with his partners. Maybe on some deep level, he may not even be aware of, he is trying to heal the primary relationship with his Mom ?

It's painful to watch good friends make bad decisions, and I respect the moral dilemma you're faced with. But as other's have said " The heart wants, what the heart wants " ..this is part of his journey, but YOU are also part of his journey, a GOOD part ! It's been my experience that childhood friends become some of the most important relationships in our lives, it's like "coming home" to the purest of Love and bonds that only someone who was "there" could ever understand.

I'll share a story, that you might find interesting. My very Dear friend "L" and I became the closest of friends at age 13. Her Dad was a cold man, never had a nice thing to say, never loving or affectionate to her. He was a wealthy snob who left his wife and 3 kids to pursue his "greater calling"......anyways throughout her life she always picked men who rejected her, which was always so odd because this girl was and still is extra beautiful and very smart. Anyways, she met and married a man 10 yrs. ago, it was absolutely OBVIOUS to me that this guy didn't really Love her, he was rude and dismissive of her family and friends and she was a nervous wreck around him. I supported her wedding and hoped for the best, lol, I didn't even remember that I had told her I wasn't sure this guy was right for her, but she remembers.

Long story short, after they married they moved out of state and she just disappeared !! Now her and I have been GOOD friends for over 25 yrs. at this point, she married later in life, and we had never lost touch over the years, but she was just gone.
I looked for her and hoped someday she would find me, I missed her and worried about her. Well my old friend and I have found each other again, she divorced the guy and she has a 7 yr. old son ! The amazing thing is that in terms of our friendship, it's like we haven't skipped a beat even though sooo much has happened in both our lives.

Actually one thing has changed, we're smarter now and able to discuss things from a more insightful perspective. TRUE Friends will always be there for each other, that's Damm Special stuff in this crazy world !



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 07:07 AM
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a reply to: Mike Stivic

Listen Mike,

The hardest thing a person can do, is watch people they care about make decisions which can damage or destroy them. Its one thing taking a fist to the jaw for a buddy in a bar fight, because thats just right there in the moment. But there are some things you cannot protect a person from, without controlling that person, which is never a particularly beneficial route to try to take.

Sometimes, all you can do is watch the fireworks and put out the resulting secondary ignitions afterward.



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 07:23 AM
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Been reading through this thread and I have to admit one thing puzzles me. Why would your dear friends fiancé choose to send him to the store, so she could proceed to dump on him and his family unless she knew she had willing ears to listen.

Why does she not see you as the good friend you say you are who should be squashing all attempts to diss your friend. You need to tell her to her face sternly that you will have no part in a conversation putting down your friend or his family and you will let your friend know what she said.

Sorry Mike.. but it seems so odd she would choose her bf’s best friend to dump about him . Drunk or not ... I find that confusing.
edit on 2-12-2017 by Sheye because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 07:58 AM
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a reply to: Sheye

I think it's obvious the woman is on drugs and not too smart. His friend has chosen this woman who is mentally ill even though he refuses to face it. He's that desperate. He knows that if he calls this horrible woman on her behavior she will just turn on him to her fiance and who knows what she'll do to cause a rift between them. Calling her out on her bad behavior serves no purpose-this guy doesn't see what others see.



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 08:11 AM
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originally posted by: Sheye
Been reading through this thread and I have to admit one thing puzzles me. Why would your dear friends fiancé choose to send him to the store, so she could proceed to dump on him and his family unless she knew she had willing ears to listen.

Why does she not see you as the good friend you say you are who should be squashing all attempts to diss your friend. You need to tell her to her face sternly that you will have no part in a conversation putting down your friend or his family and you will let your friend know what she said.

Sorry Mike.. but it seems so odd she would choose her bf’s best friend to dump about him . Drunk or not ... I find that confusing.


You make a great point about Mike being stern with her, but have you ever been around a drunk that won't shut up ! lol...sometimes the "ears aren't willing" they are imposed upon, in this case, with the guys "bro" and childhood friend. I can't speak for Mike, but I got the vibe he has tried to tell his bro, but his bro wants to dismiss this as drunken behavior on her part and has shut down the discussion ?

For sure though you're right that Mike's integrity and heart need to guide the way in dealing with this whole situation, because he values his Friendship.



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 08:26 AM
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a reply to: Sheye

Human beings are weird things Sheye.

I have been in many a situation with people, where the moment someone leaves the room, their significant other will start bad mouthing them, their parents, their siblings, their cat, dog, fish, and everything else about them. There always someone trying to justify their own malfunction, somewhere in the world. Look at the news these days, and you will see plenty of evidence of this. These mass shooters think that the problem is everyone else, regardless of their individual motivations, or their stated aims. The real problem is always the individual causing the havoc, not the people around them who they SAY are causing trouble.

Its the same in interpersonal relationships very often. Someone is trying to justify their own inadequacies, their lack of trustworthiness, their lack of empathy, compassion, their inability to experience or reciprocate love, and the way many people do that, especially when drunk, is to try and explain away their behaviour by pointing out others faults, as if the faults of others give them a free pass in life, to do as they will, and hang the consequences.

Its not unusual, unfortunately.



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 08:42 AM
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Very wise replies to my post... and I am less confused now about the stupidity of some.

My apologies to Mike, because as one poster said the ramifications of being totally honest to his friend might just push things along in a negative way.

In the end , all I can say is that I hope things turn out for the best for your friend Mike... and that your friendship has many more years of a strong bond.



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 09:41 AM
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a reply to: Mike Stivic

I made a comment because, a while ago, I was in exactly the same situation as you.

I told my friend what I thought of his wife and he told me, in no uncertain terms, that I was out of line. I was cut to the quick at the time, but I later realised that he was right.

Turns out I was right about her and he ended up divorcing her...but I was wrong to interfere.

Even if you think your friend is making a big mistake you've just got to let him make it.

Now, I would never give my honest opinion about a friend's wife unless they asked for it.

None of my business, after all.



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 10:35 AM
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I just woke up. Had a late night, gonna drink some coffee and do a few chores I will respond to these latest posts later this afternoon.

Just wanted to take the chance to thank every one for the thoughtful responses.



Respectfully,
~meathead



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 10:49 AM
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a reply to: Mike Stivic

Tell him what you think. It may even end your friendship, but on the other hand you wouldn't be a true friend if you didn't try to warn him.

Also, any grown man that takes on a gal alcoholic (that is in an out of the hospital for it) as well as a gal that has issues with opiates, must be ok with the stress that it will cause him otherwise he wouldn't be doing it.

And he is also probably terribly lonely. It's a shame, but it happens.



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 11:20 AM
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a reply to: Mike Stivic

when you have someone like that, it's worth biting the bullet (to a certain extent, even biting your tongue) to honor those lifelong friendships/brotherhoods.

After losing my brother I also lost my best friend because of his own mental/personal issues... I wanted to lean on a friend and he wasn't there on any level, just kept ignoring me and when he finally responded he said "just be a man". That wasn't going to help me.

I used to hold it against him but he wasn't able to keep our friendship of almost 20 years a priority. I don't blame blame him
But I used to, and I really do miss him. Don't let These trials come between you. I think sounds like you know what you have to do, even if it forces you to go against your instinct on some level.
edit on 2-12-2017 by FamCore because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 11:07 PM
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a reply to: tigertatzen

Thank you, I am doing the best I can to be a good friend. Ultimately it's his choice , and you are right,he is the one who has to deal with her on a daily basis. As I have said before I am his brother...not his father...

Respectfully,
~meathead



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 11:12 PM
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a reply to: Justso

That is the crux of a true friendship, mutual respect.


I said my peace out of respect, he listened out of respect. And he is moving forward,and I am supporting him, out of respect..

I don't see another option...



Respectfully,
~meathead



posted on Dec, 2 2017 @ 11:21 PM
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a reply to: MountainLaurel

This post by you is very profound..

years ago after his first fiance, we had this discussion. And he acknowledged the correlation between his alcoholism and the relationship he had with with her (mom)to his relationship with her(fiance).

Recognizing the pattern because you are able to view it from the outside is easy.

Convincing someone inside the fish bowl they are about to repeat a very bad mistake is not so simple..

Thank you for your insight, I appreciate the thought you put into your reply .seriously .

Respectfully,
~meathead




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