Some Odd Relationship Issues I Thought I Should Share

a reply to: TheBadCabbie

You're not my Ex are you?

a reply to: Sapphire

Not as far as I know, but if it's this same kind of weird jerk-mode stuff I'd be interested to hear of it if you're willing to tell of it.

You say these things are out of character for you.

But if you keep doing them...it means they ARE part of your character.

It sounds like fear of intimacy. Fear of losing your boundries of self, becoming enmeshed with another.
This is often a risk with people who were raised by a mother, without a father present. You develop a defense reflex of pushing people away when it looks like a intimate relationship could be on the horizon.

This "good" you, or "real" you, that you hold onto is what you are protecting. The people who get repulsed and pushed away by this behavior didn't reject that part, because it was hidden behind this devil you. You can still believe in yourself as being "good" (in ways you consider to be good, I mean).

Are we what we do, or what we think/feel inside? I think therefore I am is comforting. No matter what we do, it is that internal vision of ourself that is "real" and existing. But in the shared objective world, that part really has no value or existence. Here, in the physical world, you are what you do- what can be seen, felt or recognized by others. What good is it to love if that remains inside and nobody receives it?

Get some therapy. Or don't, it's just an idea, take it or leave it. But it is possible that you have trouble being in a relationship without your boundary of self melting completely and resulting in a relationship that is too intense.

Borderline Personality Disorder

originally posted by: TheBadCabbie

What do you think, ATS? Thanks in advance for your input.

Before you open your yapper to ANY new girl you meet or want to be with...ask yourself this FIRST:



LOL..couldn't resist. But hey...it may turn you into a NICER guy.

a reply to: TheBadCabbie

Also, it's not like I am just constantly or consistently mean to women. I just seem to have a talent for sabotaging my relationships with the ones I really like, who also like me.

Sounds like a defense mechanism. You unconsciously do these things, and have no control over them, in order to sabotage your relationships so you are not the one who gets hurt in the end by being dumped or left while having such strong feelings.

Or, a fear of being tied to one person, so psychologically you sabotage these relationships to feel in control or more free.

Buried feelings of inadequacy. I feel like I'm not good enough or something, so I chase them off before I can assault them with my 'not good enough-ness'.

That, too, or what I said above.

Well the next time you feel you want or need to act this way.. just send her my way, I'll take care of her since you can't or don't want to.

question 2 might be helpful?

kotaku.com...

Thanks to everyone who has replied so far. I want to hold off before replying more, do some more contemplation of this topic.

originally posted by: Liquesence
a reply to: TheBadCabbie

Sounds like a defense mechanism. You unconsciously do these things, and have no control over them, in order to sabotage your relationships

It must be, it's really less of a conscious reaction and more of a subconscious reaction for me. I don't say that to try and excuse myself, rather that I seem to be adopting a defensive posture subconsciously as opposed to consciously endeavoring to my sabotage. There's some kind of threat response happening below my conscious thought level.

That might explain some of the spurious plotting going on there in that moment, that in responding to a threat I subconsciously somehow feel more justified using trickery to deal with this 'dangerous adversary' than I would if talking with a friend or someone I were neutral toward. It's a threat, right? This beautiful woman, who I like, who likes me. That kind of makes sense.

'Oh here's a promising catch, guess it's time to slip into ass-clown mode!' I really don't think this way, but I can't count the times I've orchestrated this maneuver. Flabbergasted with myself not five minutes after the event, oftentimes, and at a complete loss to explain to myself what I had just done. It's awfully frustrating. I would very much like to move beyond this mindset.

so you are not the one who gets hurt in the end by being dumped or left while having such strong feelings.

Or, a fear of being tied to one person, so psychologically you sabotage these relationships to feel in control or more free.

Buried feelings of inadequacy. I feel like I'm not good enough or something, so I chase them off before I can assault them with my 'not good enough-ness'.

That, too, or what I said above.

Yeah, maybe all of that stuff. Probably. I'd guess it's all fear of intimacy when you boil it all down. Fear of the pain you imagine you'd feel, or the pain you imagine you might cause. I don't know. Maybe.

a reply to: Skywatcher2011

That's not a bad idea, really. I do need to watch myself with this thing that I do so I can realize that I'm doing it and stop it there, or dial it back a bit. In terms of modifying my behavior in the desired fashion, it's probably going to be as much a process of watching myself as it is understanding the problem.

originally posted by: KansasGirl
You say these things are out of character for you.

But if you keep doing them...it means they ARE part of your character.

I guess you're right. These things are out of character for me though. This is not the type of person I am, at least not in my day to day dealings with ordinary folk, nor in my dealings with lovers, friends, and acquaintances. I am a very honest, straightforward person, not much prone to trickery and mischief.

Perhaps I'm more mischievous than I like to admit, and need to learn to curb those impulses. Maybe I'm getting some kind of secret cheap sick thrill out of watching them squirm because of my antics. Disgusting.

I know I've said mean things to women like this knowing they were mean things to say but thinking I was doing these things for the right reasons, like some twisted notion that my cruel words would help her grow or something like that. It was a sad display on my part, I must say. Ignorant really. I've long since moved on from that though, I'm not into meanness for meanness sake.

Then I've said things seeking to manipulate women like this, guided by some twisted notion that I was doing it for the right reason. Some whimsical attempt at manipulation that serves only to sabotage our relationship, usually. Ignorant, just ignorant. Not who I am at all. Attempting to influence somebody is one thing, to manipulate them quite another. I try to avoid manipulating people in any fashion, whenever possible. I pride myself on being a very straightforward person.

I've definitely thought I was doing it right but was all wrong too, and mostly oblivious to it at the time. Say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing socially. I was ignorant in general, and did not know how to act. I thought I was doing it right, and had no idea how very wrong I was. I like to think I do better now in terms of how I relate to my lovers and women I'm interested in.

I guess there have been times where I was impassioned, and would do it all wrong, because the intensity of the emotional experience had clouded my judgement. Say the wrong thing, or do the wrong things socially. I've learned to manage my passionate nature, to be somewhat less governed by my passions than I used to be.

These last four paragraphs for sure have all been effective sabotage mechanisms I have inflicted on myself in the past, so they are important to consider in relation to my present situation.

originally posted by: Bluesma
It sounds like fear of intimacy. Fear of losing your boundries of self, becoming enmeshed with another.
This is often a risk with people who were raised by a mother, without a father present. You develop a defense reflex of pushing people away when it looks like a intimate relationship could be on the horizon.

This "good" you, or "real" you, that you hold onto is what you are protecting. The people who get repulsed and pushed away by this behavior didn't reject that part, because it was hidden behind this devil you. You can still believe in yourself as being "good" (in ways you consider to be good, I mean).

Are we what we do, or what we think/feel inside? I think therefore I am is comforting. No matter what we do, it is that internal vision of ourself that is "real" and existing. But in the shared objective world, that part really has no value or existence. Here, in the physical world, you are what you do- what can be seen, felt or recognized by others. What good is it to love if that remains inside and nobody receives it?

Get some therapy. Or don't, it's just an idea, take it or leave it. But it is possible that you have trouble being in a relationship without your boundary of self melting completely and resulting in a relationship that is too intense.

Thanks for the input Bluesma. You've certainly helped me to ponder the topic with your thoughts on the matter. Fear of intimacy? Perhaps, I suppose. I wonder if it isn't more just vestigial at this point. I'm a pretty well adjusted guy. I'm not so sure that I'm as afraid of intimacy as I just still have this old defense mechanism in place I haven't disarmed yet.

a reply to: paraphi

I think that's part of the solution is to cultivate an awareness of what I'm doing when I do this thing so that I can step in and intervene with myself when I start in on it. If I can just learn to see it coming and shut myself up in time, that'll go a long way toward solving the problem.

This stuff is hard to write about. I'm not all emotional about it or anything like that. It seems like I'm fighting a cognitive dissonance with it, though. My brain wants to avoid it, doesn't want to process it.

originally posted by: KansasGirl
You say these things are out of character for you.

But if you keep doing them...it means they ARE part of your character.

I guess you're right. These things are out of character for me though. This is not the type of person I am, at least not in my day to day dealings with ordinary folk, nor in my dealings with lovers, friends, and acquaintances. I am a very honest, straightforward person, not much prone to trickery and mischief.

Perhaps I'm more mischievous than I like to admit, and need to learn to curb those impulses. Maybe I'm getting some kind of secret cheap sick thrill out of watching them squirm because of my antics. Disgusting.

I know I've said mean things to women like this knowing they were mean things to say but thinking I was doing these things for the right reasons, like some twisted notion that my cruel words would help her grow or something like that. It was a sad display on my part, I must say. Ignorant really. I've long since moved on from that though, I'm not into meanness for meanness sake.

Then I've said things seeking to manipulate women like this, guided by some twisted notion that I was doing it for the right reason. Some whimsical attempt at manipulation that serves only to sabotage our relationship, usually. Ignorant, just ignorant. Not who I am at all. Attempting to influence somebody is one thing, to manipulate them quite another. I try to avoid manipulating people in any fashion, whenever possible. I pride myself on being a very straightforward person.

I've definitely thought I was doing it right but was all wrong too, and mostly oblivious to it at the time. Say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing socially. I was ignorant in general, and did not know how to act. I thought I was doing it right, and had no idea how very wrong I was. I like to think I do better now in terms of how I relate to my lovers and women I'm interested in.

I guess there have been times where I was impassioned, and would do it all wrong, because the intensity of the emotional experience had clouded my judgement. Say the wrong thing, or do the wrong things socially. I've learned to manage my passionate nature, to be somewhat less governed by my passions than I used to be.

These last four paragraphs for sure have all been effective sabotage mechanisms I have inflicted on myself in the past, so they are important to consider in relation to my present situation.

Anyhow, my point there with that whole post was that sure, I've done all these things, but these are things I don't do to people anymore, because that's not the right way to treat people. These are lessons learned based on past mistakes. I really try to avoid getting mean with people in general unless I have to for survival reasons, its just the type of person I am. I'm not into hurting people, for fun, or revenge, or any of that.

So sure KansasGirl, these things are part of my character, but this behavior is out of character for me. This is not the type of person I am, except in these particular situations when my relationship sabotaging superpowers inadvertently activate. I can get mean if I have to, but I am not a mean person.

A good friend of mine is just like you.

Just a matter of finding the right gal who embraces the real you is all.

Seriously...we have to WARN new friends of this guy...but we all come to love him just the same. Just have to accept folks for who they are. Sometimes, its even charming in a way.

originally posted by: Gazrok
A good friend of mine is just like you.

Just a matter of finding the right gal who embraces the real you is all.

Seriously...we have to WARN new friends of this guy...but we all come to love him just the same. Just have to accept folks for who they are. Sometimes, its even charming in a way.

Any other insights you can offer?

originally posted by: Gazrok
A good friend of mine is just like you.

Just a matter of finding the right gal who embraces the real you is all.

Seriously...we have to WARN new friends of this guy...but we all come to love him just the same. Just have to accept folks for who they are. Sometimes, its even charming in a way.

I thought I should reply to your post again, as it relates to my situation in a broader sense than the scope of this thread. I am fenced off from some cultural groups in my local area, who probably would be folk I considered friends if they weren't so consistently keeping me at full arm's length.

This really has little to do with the sabotaging behavior I sometimes manifest, as those situations where I meet a woman that I am strongly attracted to enough to cause this behavior to manifest are actually fairly rare. This has more to do with...whatever...aspects of my eccentric nature in general it is that they find undesirable. I honestly couldn't tell you what that is, because I can't get anyone to give me any feedback.

I'm pretty unconventional compared to your average person, so I've long since come to accept that some people will likely never accept me for who I am because our views differ so greatly, or that in some cases owing to their ignorance they do not understand my perspective. Also, I'm kind of an ass.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve at times, sharing my problems with those I think would care to hear them in an attempt to have a sounding board and reap the therapeutic benefits that feedback and a different perspective can often provide. This does not always serve me well. I get all of the ostracism, but none of the feedback. Instead of getting feedback that I can use, anything I say seems to get used against me. A sad failing of our modern society is how readily people will speak of you, yet rarely to you.

The wildest part about it is that most of these people don't even know me very well. Oh sure, there seems to be a mountain of gossip that circulates about me, the nature of which I can only speculate on, that these people seem to have absorbed. I'm not very close with any of these people though, so it doesn't seem like they even know me for who I really am in the first place. It appears as though they have seized on some collection of past faux pas, brief snapshots in my dynamic experience, and are attempting to define me using them.

It's pretty ignorant, really. I can only walk away in disgust. It seems pointless trying to hang with them because they just chase everyone away from me and leave me standing off in the corner all night. I'd try yelling at them or something, if I thought that it would help. More likely though, they would just take that the wrong way too. Perhaps they mean well, but they really aren't doing me any favors. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm pretty sure that I owe a good deal of the isolation that I presently endure to this sort of background activity that goes on around me. New acquaintances are consistently chased off before we can bond. I wouldn't even know what to change if I wanted to, because no one can be bothered to tell me. I can certainly endure this, being the resilient person that I am, but it is rather unpleasant.

Perhaps then while you're busy warning people away from your friend, you might take a little time to reflect on what it is that he does that rubs so many people the wrong way, and share that with him if you haven't done so already. You might also reevaluate your perspective toward your friend if you care to, you may find that it is slightly flawed on closer inspection. I couldn't say for sure, every situation is different. Relationship perspectives can tend to be so subjective: what applies to one situation or person doesn't necessarily apply to another. For my part though, from my perspective, I can't ever seem to get enough feedback from anyone, with few exceptions.

Thanks for the feedback, by the way.