Some Odd Relationship Issues I Thought I Should Share

Time to own some past mistakes.

In the last few years I have become aware of a tendency I have to sabotage my relationships with those I care about the most. I don't understand why I do this, but it has been a consistent theme throughout my adult life. I say horrible things to those I care deeply about, essentially burning the bridge of our relationship completely. This is mostly a thing that I do to women that I have a romantic interest in, and who are interested in me.

I tend to be an ass in general. Eloquent speaker, fairly outspoken, but sometimes my outspoken nature can get me in trouble. My mouth will run just a little bit faster than my brain and before I know it I've said something very foolish that it is then too late to take back. I've come to terms with that. Nobody's perfect, myself included.

What I'm writing of, though, is something else altogether. It's like there's that little devil from the cartoons on my left shoulder whispering in my ear saying "tell her this, it'll be great!", and I go with it. My common sense doesn't interject itself into my inner dialogue until well after the fact.

Pure meanness, and/or mischief, is usually the result. This is very out of character for me. I am not a deceitful person. I am a gentleman to women, mostly. Sure I've had my raunchy moments, and times when I was riled by women and said things that were somewhat out of character for me. That being said, these incidences of self sabotage often involve a break from my usual persona. I love everyone, and wish harm to no one. That is what I believe is the right way to treat my fellow humans, and I have generally held to this golden rule philosophy.

There have been instances in the past where I've sabotaged promising relationships without going into this ultra trickster mode, but it is these trickster mode type experiences that concern me the most. The last few instances have left me shaking my head in dismay, truly horrified at what I've done. I'm growing concerned that if I continue I will get myself or someone else hurt due to the scheming that my malicious pranks have caused. Some of my twisted pranks are so sordid that they may inspire others to violence.

I don't want this sort of behavior. I don't need it. I receive no benefit from this behavior. There seems to be no tangible result from this behavior other than to destroy a promising relationship. I need to understand this behavior and its cause if I am ever to move on from it.

Those of you with your finger on the button, ready to notify the mental health authorities,

That is not the type of help I need, and if anything will put me in serious danger for a number of reasons that I am not willing to share. Please don't. Also, just to be clear, I'm not over here busily alienating everyone around me or anything like that. Just women who love me that I love and have a possibility of a good relationship with, for the most part. I am not a danger to myself or others, except in the sense that I worry that some of the things I've said may cause trouble for me or others. I'm not suicidal. I'm not homicidal.

This thread is part damage control, part seeking redemption from past lost loves, and partly a quest for understanding of this affliction from which I suffer. Some of you know me in real life. If we speak of incidents in which I am directly involved, you should cast me as a third party, so that we don't violate the website's terms and conditions. Stories that do not involve me directly are also welcome of course, and I suspect that many members know of or have experienced similar instances with people they know. Please share, if you think it might help.

An example:
A passenger of mine that I had expressed an interest in called and expressed a return interest. I then proceeded to act as though whether she had any money or not was a big deal, as if she were some bad passenger who had burned me on a few cab rides or something. She then said never mind and hung up (big surprise, huh?). I tried to call her back and explain that I was just kidding, but of course she didn't answer. I eventually was able to reach her and apologize, though the damage was done at that point. Yes, this really happened. Why would I make such a joke? Even a fairly inept fool such as myself would know that that was not pre first date joke material, yet out it came.

That is one of the less sordid instances, but I've done worse.

Why do I do this thing? Sabotaging relationships with people I care about seems to be the result, but what are the underlying motivations?

One friend came upon a possible cause while talking with a co-worker. He'd said he was raised by women and that it caused him problems in relationships until he'd learned to deal with it. I thought this could be a possible cause. I was mostly raised by me ma, so perhaps this aspect of my upbringing has made me reluctant to surrender control to women. This has then developed into an automated defense mechanism that sort of kicks in at the earliest warning of such a perceived danger. I dunno, maybe.

Buried feelings of inadequacy. I feel like I'm not good enough or something, so I chase them off before I can assault them with my 'not good enough-ness'. Meh. I mean, maybe. I question myself plenty(especially on this stuff), but I don't despise myself or anything like that. I'm not sure that this really fits the mold then, but it is something to consider.

I'm just an abusive misogynistic butt hole who likes to pick on women? No. I've had my share of disagreements and arguments with women aside from these incidents, and even gotten a little mean from time to time, but I am not this type of person.

Government mind control?

Alien mind control?

Extradimensional influence?

Demonic possession?

Erm, cosmic rays?

What do you think, ATS? Thanks in advance for your input.

Some people are just jerks.

Oh wait, I always write things without thinking.

See how that looks ?

maybe you are subconsciously gay so you sabotage any potential relationship with the opposite sex? gay people can`t prevent themselves from being verbally abusive to the opposite sex. I think you are probably gay.

a reply to: bluechevytree

Definitely not gay. I love women! I am not attracted to men at all, and I am very attracted to women. Also, it's not like I am just constantly or consistently mean to women. I just seem to have a talent for sabotaging my relationships with the ones I really like, who also like me.

a reply to: TheBadCabbie

This is kind of a dorky book but it's a great map for how the male mind works:



Jungian psychology is very powerful. If you clean up your own relationship baggage you will do better.

Rejecting someone (by driving them off) is far easier to handle, emotionally, than being rejected by someone you’ve come to trust and care about.

At least it allows you to rationalize that it was really you who ended the relationship, so you must have been in control, you couldn’t have been the “victim”

This time.

Just my two cents.

originally posted by: bluechevytree
maybe you are subconsciously gay so you sabotage any potential relationship with the opposite sex? gay people can`t prevent themselves from being verbally abusive to the opposite sex. I think you are probably gay.

Or maybe just a self destructive attitude when it comes to a relationship?

Be surprised how the sub conscious mind can work sometimes........

Classic self-sabotage. Because if you just go into jerk-mode (that “thing you do”) and a woman rejects you, she’s just rejecting that jerk-mode you ...not the “real” you. So you can preserve the idea that the real you is awesome and desirable and has never faced rejection because that unreal jerk version of you “messes things up” before the kickass real you even has a chance.

Ok ... get off my couch now. I’m not really a qualified psychologist.

Relationships are hard... you’ll connect with the right person someday.

a reply to: TheBadCabbie

I kind of went numb to the story after a bit... it's just another tale of every single direction imaginable that stimulates the human sensory systems... they cover the ups, the downs, the leftists, the rightists, the spherical... yet the tales never include the disconnect of the INNER. You're ignoring you're inner, and seemingly unsatisfied with the results of the outer... from this perspective at least.

Start hanging out with your inner... connect with that whole other being of energy within you that's been acknowledged but ignored. Let it soak in about with this new found friend... that it takes a path of inner to secure a healthier environment of outer... that we are not physical beings having spiritual experiences, but instead we are spiritual beings having physical experiences. The physical experience ends... the spiritual (INNER YOU) will last for eternity.

Float therapy is a fast track to connecting with our inner-cellves... it's like returning to the womb. I mention float therapy, because some of us need our inner-cellves to kick our physical-cellves in the butt from time to time.

a reply to: TheBadCabbie

Your subconscious knows that they are not "The One". You would rather they get hurt and leave before it happens to you. Sub-subconsciously you are just protecting you. No big deal. Plenty of fish in the sea.

originally posted by: seeker1963

originally posted by: bluechevytree
maybe you are subconsciously gay so you sabotage any potential relationship with the opposite sex? gay people can`t prevent themselves from being verbally abusive to the opposite sex. I think you are probably gay.

Or maybe just a self destructive attitude when it comes to a relationship?

Be surprised how the sub conscious mind can work sometimes........

good point, maybe the OP is selfish and doesn`t want to expend the mental, emotional, and financial energy it takes to build a real relationship. maybe the OP just wants to get laid in which case they should just go pay a prostitute. a "real" relationship is a lot of work and a lot of putting up with a lot of insane crap. I think that`s why the state makes it so easy to get married and so hard to get divorced.
maybe subconsciously the OP shows them the bad side right up front and if they can deal with that then they are a keeper?

originally posted by: whyamIhere
Some people are just jerks.

Oh wait, I always write things without thinking.

See how that looks ?

Okay, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I tend to be an ass in general. Eloquent speaker, fairly outspoken, but sometimes my outspoken nature can get me in trouble. My mouth will run just a little bit faster than my brain and before I know it I've said something very foolish that it is then too late to take back. I've come to terms with that. Nobody's perfect, myself included.

What I'm writing of, though, is something else altogether. It's like there's that little devil from the cartoons on my left shoulder whispering in my ear saying "tell her this, it'll be great!", and I go with it. My common sense doesn't interject itself into my inner dialogue until well after the fact.

Pure meanness, and/or mischief, is usually the result. This is very out of character for me.

Oh I'm thinking alright. How I could think that these situations I create would be advisable pranks is what disturbs me, and doubtless those involved, assuming they can dismiss it as a prank.

Speaking without thinking better of it, perhaps, but this is way beyond simple speaking without thinking.

originally posted by: bluechevytree

maybe subconsciously the OP shows them the bad side right up front and if they can deal with that then they are a keeper?

This, I have sometimes wondered myself. I actually would have put that in the OP if I had remembered it. Perhaps...

a reply to: Bhadhidar

a reply to: VegHead

a reply to: staple

a reply to: bluechevytree

I'm not against having a relationship with the right person, at least not consciously. I would like that, actually. What makes these situations so frustrating is that they generally occur with women that I consider to be of my soul tribe. Women that it would be unlikely for me to have a failing relationship with, unless I sabotage it like I always seem to with these women of my soul tribe. Women that at least at a conscious level I really really want to have a relationship with.

originally posted by: seeker1963

Or maybe just a self destructive attitude when it comes to a relationship?

Be surprised how the sub conscious mind can work sometimes........

Indeed. Why, though?

a reply to: dfnj2015

That's interesting, I'll be sure and give it a listen sometime soon. Thanks for sharing.

well, this may sound stupid but just be yourself, stop trying to cater your responses to what you think they want to hear.
I`ve been married for 36 years and I treat all women I meet with indifference and they love it! I`m not trying to impress them because I`m married for 36 years and I`m not trying to pick them up, I treat all women that way, my neighbors, women I see at Wal-Mart, all of them, and they love it. I`m not trying to impress them I`m just trying to get my daily chores done and I don`t want to waste time hearing about their personal problems,for some reason they take it as me being confident and strong,but I`m just old ,married and busy,i have no time for chit chatting with the ladies since I`m married and can`t # them anyways,but they love my indifference attitude.
women are nuts don`t try to figure them out.

You have been hurt in the past. Very badly. You are not over it to this day. Even if it was over 20 years ago.

This is a self preservation thing that kicks in

You are not gay

I cannot instruct you how to get beyond this, only that knowing what is going on might help you realize, and clarify the truth.

The right woman holds the key

You must find her

Good luck my friend

I would like you to empower yourself, and this might help.

You can find her
You will find her
And you will tell yourself daily
" I am going to find her"

Do you understand?

And the rest of you... Stop it

I would suggest you learn self restraint. You paint a picture of several negative characteristics which most people control. Before you open your mouth pause and think.