Time to own some past mistakes.
In the last few years I have become aware of a tendency I have to sabotage my relationships with those I care about the most. I don't understand why
I do this, but it has been a consistent theme throughout my adult life. I say horrible things to those I care deeply about, essentially burning the
bridge of our relationship completely. This is mostly a thing that I do to women that I have a romantic interest in, and who are interested in me.
I tend to be an ass in general. Eloquent speaker, fairly outspoken, but sometimes my outspoken nature can get me in trouble. My mouth will run just
a little bit faster than my brain and before I know it I've said something very foolish that it is then too late to take back. I've come to terms
with that. Nobody's perfect, myself included.
What I'm writing of, though, is something else altogether. It's like there's that little devil from the cartoons on my left shoulder whispering in
my ear saying "tell her this, it'll be great!", and I go with it. My common sense doesn't interject itself into my inner dialogue until well
after the fact.
Pure meanness, and/or mischief, is usually the result. This is very out of character for me. I am not a deceitful person. I am a gentleman to
women, mostly. Sure I've had my raunchy moments, and times when I was riled by women and said things that were somewhat out of character for me.
That being said, these incidences of self sabotage often involve a break from my usual persona. I love everyone, and wish harm to no one. That is
what I believe is the right way to treat my fellow humans, and I have generally held to this golden rule philosophy.
There have been instances in the past where I've sabotaged promising relationships without going into this ultra trickster mode, but it is these
trickster mode type experiences that concern me the most. The last few instances have left me shaking my head in dismay, truly horrified at what
I've done. I'm growing concerned that if I continue I will get myself or someone else hurt due to the scheming that my malicious pranks have
caused. Some of my twisted pranks are so sordid that they may inspire others to violence.
I don't want this sort of behavior. I don't need it. I receive no benefit from this behavior. There seems to be no tangible result from this
behavior other than to destroy a promising relationship. I need to understand this behavior and its cause if I am ever to move on from it.
Those of you with your finger on the button, ready to notify the mental health authorities,
That is not the type of help I need, and if anything will put me in serious danger for a number of reasons that I am not willing to share. Please
don't. Also, just to be clear, I'm not over here busily alienating everyone around me or anything like that. Just women who love me that I love
and have a possibility of a good relationship with, for the most part. I am not a danger to myself or others, except in the sense that I worry that
some of the things I've said may cause trouble for me or others. I'm not suicidal. I'm not homicidal.
This thread is part damage control, part seeking redemption from past lost loves, and partly a quest for understanding of this affliction from which I
suffer. Some of you know me in real life. If we speak of incidents in which I am directly involved, you should cast me as a third party, so that we
don't violate the website's terms and conditions. Stories that do not involve me directly are also welcome of course, and I suspect that many
members know of or have experienced similar instances with people they know. Please share, if you think it might help.
A passenger of mine that I had expressed an interest in called and expressed a return interest. I then proceeded to act as though whether she had any
money or not was a big deal, as if she were some bad passenger who had burned me on a few cab rides or something. She then said never mind and hung
up (big surprise, huh?). I tried to call her back and explain that I was just kidding, but of course she didn't answer. I eventually was able to
reach her and apologize, though the damage was done at that point. Yes, this really happened. Why would I make such a joke? Even a fairly inept fool
such as myself would know that that was not pre first date joke material, yet out it came.
That is one of the less sordid instances, but I've done worse.
Why do I do this thing? Sabotaging relationships with people I care about seems to be the result, but what are the underlying motivations?
One friend came upon a possible cause while talking with a co-worker. He'd said he was raised by women and that it caused him problems in
relationships until he'd learned to deal with it. I thought this could be a possible cause. I was mostly raised by me ma, so perhaps this aspect of
my upbringing has made me reluctant to surrender control to women. This has then developed into an automated defense mechanism that sort of kicks in
at the earliest warning of such a perceived danger. I dunno, maybe.
Buried feelings of inadequacy. I feel like I'm not good enough or something, so I chase them off before I can assault them with my 'not good
enough-ness'. Meh. I mean, maybe. I question myself plenty(especially on this stuff), but I don't despise myself or anything like that. I'm not
sure that this really fits the mold then, but it is something to consider.
I'm just an abusive misogynistic butt hole who likes to pick on women? No. I've had my share of disagreements and arguments with women aside from
these incidents, and even gotten a little mean from time to time, but I am not this type of person.
Government mind control?
Alien mind control?
Erm, cosmic rays?
What do you think, ATS? Thanks in advance for your input.