1 Year Since my Brother has Passed

I've been dreading this day for a long time and now it has come.... I am in disbelief, and feel crushed, as does the rest of my family and my brother's many admirers and close friends. [Here is my thread from last year explaining what happened if you need some context.. www.abovetopsecret.com...]

At this time, Earth has traveled around the sun for a full orbit, which means he hasn't been with us for a whole year by now. I sleep in his bed and stay in his room now, and I even wear a lot of his clothes. It makes me feel closer to him, and at times I do know he is nearby. But I can't help but feel hopeless and pessimistic when I talk to him and I don't hear anything back.

There have been times where I've seen him in dreams, talked with him, hugged him, or even when I've been awake and thought I heard his voice.



(A photo of him in Chicago a few months before we lost him)

But they are infrequent and random, and days like today I just wish I could talk to him. I wish I could feel assured that he really does hear me and see me.

He won't be there for my wedding, or if I have kids... I won't be there for his. He was tragically robbed of his life at the age of 35 due to medical error and I still don't think we've made much progress with investigating what happened.

Before Ian died I was living in another state for 3 + years, working crazy hours. I remember even pleading with my boss that the job wasn't right for me and that I wanted to move back closer to home, since my family was going through some difficult issues at the time. One year later I was still in the other state, only this time my brother was in the ICU fighting for his life and waiting for a liver transplant. No liver would come.

My family spent about 6 days in ICUs and I will never forget how painful and heartwrenching it was to finally leave after they removed the breathing tube. Then the 3-4 hour, silent drive back to our home state, without him.

I think of him everyday, all day. I actually even got licensed to sell insurance since last year, something he did for 10 years and was very successful at. I know he would be proud of me, but I can't hear him, and that fear that I won't see him again is always there.

I'm not a hateful or mean-spirited person by any stretch of the imagination, but losing my big brother in the way that we did definitely turned me bitter about certain things (like hospital rooms for example). I hope to get over that one day, but I will never get used to hearing those beeping sounds or discussions about liver/kidney issues.

The other thing about this whole situation is that my brother is a twin, and I don't always know how to be a supportive brother, when to bring things up, when to change the subject, or when he just doesn't want me around. I'm probably over thinking things.. but I feel inept as a brother in regard to this. I cannot possibly imagine what he is going through, but I'm certain it is different than what I'm going through.. part of his identity is now missing. I have the utmost faith in his strength and courage and have been amazed by what he's accomplished and who he is as a person after 36 years. And I can tell you he is a different person from this as well. As a family we are trying to be supportive, loving one another and honoring my late brother. I don't always feel like I'm doing all that I could though.

Losing my idol and my hero has profoundly changed me. It's changed the things I consider to be important. It's changed my outlook on the world outside of me, and my role in it. I managed to find an inspiring and touching poem that rings true today - I shared it on his Facebook with a short message and another photo of me and my siblings on my college graduation day:



We don't have all the answers in life, and this has created more questions in my mind, questions that won't be answered in my lifetime. Perhaps I'll be pleasantly surprised when I take my last breath and transverse over to the next "plane". Maybe I won't.

I carry around a very special coin of my brothers that also has a great message. My brother had a deep love for animals, and always helped out with his dad's farm where they had sheep, and now have horses, bee hives, and 9 alpacas. When I first read the inscription on this coin I knew it was special and something that would help me, even if the context is about something different. Here's what it says:

The Camel each day
Goes twice to his knees
He picks up his load
With the greatest of ease
He walks through the day
With his head held high
And stays for that day
Completely dry

It has a Camel, a setting sun, and "One Day at a Time" written on the other side.

I am trying to take that to heart and keep moving. Today seems like a dark day, but my brother's light did somehow shine through in a few ways.

I hope that over the years I can look at my relationship with him and this situation as a whole with more clarity. But today, it's just not there.

Rest in Paradise to my incredible big brother, who I will always look up to. I treasure my memories and will forever try to make you proud and honor you as you deserve. I hope we meet again Ian... I hope that more than anything



My brother at a Ski Museum event, fundraising, about 1 week before...

Stay strong FamCore, I remember your thread from last year.

We're all here for ya buddy.

Love is all I can offer, your story and love for your sibling, softened my heart just now. May you always keep him in your heart...all my best buddy.

I remember too.

I'm not sure the words exist that will make it easier. It's love that helps heal things like this. You need the ones you care about who love you too around you.

And I am sitting here in tears. I think my grandma is where you big brother is.

I remember you loosing him, I offered prayers and peace...so sorry that’s all I can offer 1 year later....

I'm very sorry.

love strength and support for you and your family and his friends.
hold on to those wonderful memories you have of him. that photo of him is magical, what a smile and what beautiful bright shinning eyes he has. take care
arohanui (lots of love in te reo Māori. or rather big love

a reply to: FamCore

All of my feels your way, sir. I've lost family, but never a sibling--I can't imagine the pain involved. But you've made it this far, and you'll keep on making it, a little more easily with each complete orbit.

Your heart touched my heart. I and many have lost close family. It's a deep, deep hurt. But the saying is true, time will make it some better-not this year but maybe in years to come. He sounded like a great brother who had a great, caring loving family and in that regard he was also a very lucky guy; that's something most people never get.
You need to take care of you. Your feelings are real. You hurt and that's very normal. Just don't feel it alone. Try to share your feelings with caring friends and family if you can. Talking, sharing a beer, helps. You are not alone. If you share you will find kinship in the hurt. It's the loneliness in your feelings that stings the most.
You will wake up tomorrow having survived this hurtful day. Many blessings for a more peaceful year. I and many care.

Sympathy FamCore, I can understand how you feel, my own brother is just a few months over a year passed away.
He died after a pre-op procedure, I'm not sure what happened, but he ended up on life support, and died after a relatively short time...not time enough for me to travel to England before he passed.
But, he had just lost his wife a few months before....also 2016, so at least I did get to seem him for a little while then.

Lost my brother several years ago. It's changed a lot. Time helps but it never really goes away. Just subsides. I don't really pay attention to the date anymore. I don't really focus on birthdays. Then every once in awhile a song or a moment brings me back. It doesn't leave but it happens less. Stay strong but the first few years are a mess.

Man it has been that long. I remember your other thread. Time flies. Hang in there and sorry again for your loss. Try to stay positive. He would want that. You shall see him again when your time comes.

I remember as well.

It can take a long time to work through the pain and numbing loss of a loved one.
Your grief will one day become fond memories.

I wish you peace.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier...

It does not.

You might find this disgusting and weak, but I have lost people and I have found that thinking about the bad things that they did to me relieved me just a little bit of the immense pain of having lost them forever. Take it or leave it..

a reply to: FamCore
I am sitting here after reading your post with tears streaming down my cheeks. I know how you feel I lost 2 brothers and I miss them. I wish they were here with me to share my triumphs and tragedies. Time eases the pain, but then occasionally it wells up and is it consumes me. Life says " I will make you happy but first I will make you strong". Stay strong and persevere. He would want that of you.

originally posted by: FamCore
I've been dreading this day for a long time and now it has come.... I am in disbelief, and feel crushed, as does the rest of my family and my brother's many admirers and close friends. [Here is my thread from last year explaining what happened if you need some context.. www.abovetopsecret.com...]

At this time, Earth has traveled around the sun for a full orbit, which means he hasn't been with us for a whole year by now. I sleep in his bed and stay in his room now, and I even wear a lot of his clothes. It makes me feel closer to him, and at times I do know he is nearby. But I can't help but feel hopeless and pessimistic when I talk to him and I don't hear anything back.

There have been times where I've seen him in dreams, talked with him, hugged him, or even when I've been awake and thought I heard his voice.

(A photo of him in Chicago a few months before we lost him)

But they are infrequent and random, and days like today I just wish I could talk to him. I wish I could feel assured that he really does hear me and see me.

He won't be there for my wedding, or if I have kids... I won't be there for his. He was tragically robbed of his life at the age of 35 due to medical error and I still don't think we've made much progress with investigating what happened.

Before Ian died I was living in another state for 3 + years, working crazy hours. I remember even pleading with my boss that the job wasn't right for me and that I wanted to move back closer to home, since my family was going through some difficult issues at the time. One year later I was still in the other state, only this time my brother was in the ICU fighting for his life and waiting for a liver transplant. No liver would come.

My family spent about 6 days in ICUs and I will never forget how painful and heartwrenching it was to finally leave after they removed the breathing tube. Then the 3-4 hour, silent drive back to our home state, without him.

I think of him everyday, all day. I actually even got licensed to sell insurance since last year, something he did for 10 years and was very successful at. I know he would be proud of me, but I can't hear him, and that fear that I won't see him again is always there.

I'm not a hateful or mean-spirited person by any stretch of the imagination, but losing my big brother in the way that we did definitely turned me bitter about certain things (like hospital rooms for example). I hope to get over that one day, but I will never get used to hearing those beeping sounds or discussions about liver/kidney issues.

The other thing about this whole situation is that my brother is a twin, and I don't always know how to be a supportive brother, when to bring things up, when to change the subject, or when he just doesn't want me around. I'm probably over thinking things.. but I feel inept as a brother in regard to this. I cannot possibly imagine what he is going through, but I'm certain it is different than what I'm going through.. part of his identity is now missing. I have the utmost faith in his strength and courage and have been amazed by what he's accomplished and who he is as a person after 36 years. And I can tell you he is a different person from this as well. As a family we are trying to be supportive, loving one another and honoring my late brother. I don't always feel like I'm doing all that I could though.

Losing my idol and my hero has profoundly changed me. It's changed the things I consider to be important. It's changed my outlook on the world outside of me, and my role in it. I managed to find an inspiring and touching poem that rings true today - I shared it on his Facebook with a short message and another photo of me and my siblings on my college graduation day:

We don't have all the answers in life, and this has created more questions in my mind, questions that won't be answered in my lifetime. Perhaps I'll be pleasantly surprised when I take my last breath and transverse over to the next "plane". Maybe I won't.

I carry around a very special coin of my brothers that also has a great message. My brother had a deep love for animals, and always helped out with his dad's farm where they had sheep, and now have horses, bee hives, and 9 alpacas. When I first read the inscription on this coin I knew it was special and something that would help me, even if the context is about something different. Here's what it says:

The Camel each day
Goes twice to his knees
He picks up his load
With the greatest of ease
He walks through the day
With his head held high
And stays for that day
Completely dry

It has a Camel, a setting sun, and "One Day at a Time" written on the other side.

I am trying to take that to heart and keep moving. Today seems like a dark day, but my brother's light did somehow shine through in a few ways.

I hope that over the years I can look at my relationship with him and this situation as a whole with more clarity. But today, it's just not there.

Rest in Paradise to my incredible big brother, who I will always look up to. I treasure my memories and will forever try to make you proud and honor you as you deserve. I hope we meet again Ian... I hope that more than anything

My brother at a Ski Museum event, fundraising, about 1 week before...

Be strong its what he would want. I lost 2 brothers in 2015, younger and elder at the ages of 47 and 56 and its tough but I remember the way they were and keep their photos side by side on my mantle. It helps me to look at their photos everyday. I try not to do the why thing and accept that its just the nature of things, just life!

Good luck.

Very sad loosing someone close,like a piece of life taken,and when you get old the list adds up,maybe the reason people speak of heaven is to leave some hope we can be with them again,I have no idea of what happens after you die,but I guess you can hope maybe that is good enough

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a reply to: FamCore

Keep your brother in your heart. See him right next to you every step you make. Talk to him. Don't miss him too much. Your distance is not forever. You will meet someday
By the way, you can definitely program your brain
But remember that your brother being lost of YOUR LIFE do not have to influence on your world while you are alive