Girl Scouts warn parents about forcing kids to hug relatives for the holidays

I didn't make my 2 boys hug family members, etc. Unwanted contact is unwanted contact, even if its grandma/grandpa.

If it hurts grandmas feelings, then she needs to grow some thicker skin. My wife and I both remember our moms as not being pansies, and understanding that kids are fickle.

Nonetheless...if my kids didn't want to show physical affection, they were not forced to do it.

I also think there is a huge difference between "forcing" a kid to hug someone and simply saying, "We're getting ready to leave. Time to hug everyone good-bye!" too.

I agree with the sentiment in the OP.

A child's body belongs to the child. If she doesn't feel comfortable wrapping it around some family member, mom and dad shouldn't force it. Saying "thank you" should be a sufficient response.

I don't force my own kids to hug people. I think it's a bad practice.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan

I was never forced to contact anyone I didnt want to growing up.

But my family elders were all lovely people and really warm kind folks so I loved to give them hugs

actually thinking about it , I totally miss hugging my grand parents, best hugs everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: Nyiah

...can set the stage for her questioning whether she ‘owes’ another person any type of physical affection when they have bought her dinner or done something else seemingly nice for her later in life...

Someone needs to explain to the Girl Scouts that this is exactly how it works later in life.

If I take you out for dinner and even let you order an appy to go with your din-din I better be getting huggy time later.





I think I will invest in online sympathy cards for future use.Just because a man spends his hard earned
money on a date...that doesn't mean the girl OWES him something in return other than a thank-you,I had
a nice evening.

a reply to: sapien82

My oldest is pretty affectionate like that. The youngest isn't, and doesn't like to be touched by people. He hasn't let me hug him since he was pre-teen. Despite getting enormous amounts of love and affection as a young child. Its just his personality.

In my in laws family, the hugging thing is a sore spot. My wife has 4 siblings, one of which has 3 kids who have between 3 and 9 kids of their own each. And when they arrive/leave all the kids have to go around hugging everyone. Its the most obnoxious damned thing....

...they are the reason the wife and I won't really participate in much in her family. Her brothers family is huge, obnoxious freeloaders.

a reply to: trollz

I'm with you. I was talking about this last night. Some people don't want it. Why should they be forced to hug some aunt they see once a year?
# that

originally posted by: Nyiah

originally posted by: trollz
When I was younger, my dad's mother used to visit (I refuse to call her my grandmother). She was a textbook version of a psychological/emotional abuser and she was hell-bent on trying to belittle me and make me feel inferior to her at every possible opportunity.

The key difference between you and a mannerless kid is that YOU had a damn good reason for the avoidance. "Aunt Mildred is weird & I don't want to hug her goodbye" is not one of them. If we don't teach kids how to interact despite initial misgivings, we end up with snowflakes who grow up into even bigger snowflakes. We already have enough of them, time to work on whittling the numbers down, not increasing them.

Pretty great reason to my.
Why force your kid into physical contact with a person they think is weird?
I don't understand.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Ladies, don't fall for the appy trap or you're screwed, literally and figuratively!

I don't know. I'm on the fence with this one. On one hand you shouldn't have to force your kids to hug people but on the other you try to raise your kids to have manners and act polite. What if your kid doesn't feel the need to say thank you if say for instance they received a gift they didn't care for or say please because it makes them feel like they are begging. At what point does parenting and teaching your children how to behave in a polite and kind manner change into creating anxiety or awkwardness for your children. I don't have this problem I guess. My kids are well adjusted happy kids who don't get bent out of shape when they hug relatives. Sometimes I remind them to give Grandma or Grandpa a hug when we are leaving but it definitely isn't forcing them to. When we see relatives that we haven't seen in a while my kids willingly accept a hug. I also don't have any reason for concern when it comes to my kids hugging relatives as it is done in front of me when we are greeting them or leaving. I also believe that my kids would have no problem coming to talk with me if they had a concern about a relative hugging them and I would take it from there.

a reply to: Gargamel

Consider the message you are teaching a young child: to be polite you have to accept unwanted physical contact, and allow yourself to be passed around as a token of affection.

Yes, seems like hyperbole....but there are a few decades of case history now showing that family tend to be the biggest sexual predators.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan

At the same time, in the case of my kiddo's Tennessee grandparents, my husband was raised by them and knows them. If we lived where we visited them all the time, there would be no question he would be hugging them naturally, but since we live a few states away, that isn't possible.

Asking him to hug them briefly upon leaving on the few occasions we can see them is not a bad thing.

And in that situation, I would be asking him to hug my parents who would then likely be in the same boat the Tennessee grandparents are in now - living too far away to be seen regularly but absolutely NOT abusers as they raised me and I ought to know.

a reply to: ketsuko

My parents and in laws would never abuse a child. My wife and I weren't abused in any way growing up.

But if my kids have this idea put in their head that they have to allow unwanted affection from family, then it doesn't have to be grandpa that i'd worry about. It could be creepy uncle Dale (yes, i have one), or inbred cousin Ricky (got one of those, too...the gene pool runs shallower in some parts of the country).

While a mature child would differentiate situationally, a 5 year old is too concrete in their thinking to even have a chance.

i don't think kids should be forced to touch people they don't want to... they need to learn early on that they're in charge of that, not older relatives and other authority figures.

this should, of course, be couple with age-appropriate, sensitive conversations about why we hug people and why people like hugs, and what is and isn't appropriate behavior -- but the decision should be the kid's. i'd rather have a grown-ass adult suck up their minor hurt feelings than have my kid learn that it's not up to them when they get touched.

originally posted by: mamabeth
Just because a man spends his hard earned
money on a date...that doesn't mean the girl OWES him something in return other than a thank-you,I had
a nice evening.

In my world 'thank you, I had a nice evening' = lay down dancing.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan

I guess in my case my kids don't see it as unwanted physical contact. Again if it was brought to my attention that one of my kids does not like to be touched by other people I would take appropriate action but I would also wonder how they got to the point that having physical contact with loved ones is causing them anxiety. I don't think this is something that comes naturally to people but something that some sort of event triggered or maybe it comes from learned behavior by noticing that their parents don't like physical contact. If it is the case that it is learned behavior are you now responsible for your childs phobias and would you want to do something to ensure that your own issues aren't made into your kids issues?

a reply to: Nyiah

I'm waiting for the sexual harassment claims after Thanksgiving on grandma

originally posted by: Gargamel
a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan

I guess in my case my kids don't see it as unwanted physical contact. Again if it was brought to my attention that one of my kids does not like to be touched by other people I would take appropriate action but I would also wonder how they got to the point that having physical contact with loved ones is causing them anxiety. I don't think this is something that comes naturally to people but something that some sort of event triggered or maybe it comes from learned behavior by noticing that their parents don't like physical contact. If it is the case that it is learned behavior are you now responsible for your childs phobias and would you want to do something to ensure that your own issues aren't made into your kids issues?

If you've not noticed it, then your kids likely have no issue with it.

As an example, autism exists on a spectrum. I'd suspect many people dwell on that spectrum somewhere. A trait of autism is to not like physical contact.

You may feel it is natural to want these things, but that is due to your own personal human experience. There are some people who just don't like it, and the reason has no external causation. Its foreign to me, too. Im a fairly affectionate type of person with family and loved ones. That said, the female family members get much less frequent touching all in all. The last thing I want to be is Creepy Uncle Bigfatfurrytexan

originally posted by: GBP/JPY
Sounds right for these days huh

we hug family because our spirits know about family....we can feel the love

the new thought lacks love or family ...i do believe

fail for the new wave thinker there....huh!

I agree. I don't think there's anything to stop it. It's too much like water seeking path of least resistance.

I want to cry but can't. A part of the human is dying. But everything is always in transition. The human is being redefined.

An open mind is all we really need for the future. The future isn't inherently bad--just different. How we react can be. There'll be many challenges to come. Nobody is perfectly open.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan

I can imagine that hugging scene like some really awkward british comedy skit

You should just fist bump them or a high five

you should encourage them all to rebel to the hugging and take hugging strike action
during the couse of the evening and for your own amusement have a full hugging rebellion come home time
or of course maybe not given you dont want to exacerbate any underlying tension haha.

As for me hugging other people, well I can tell when someone wants to be hugged or they dont want to be hugged
and if people want to hug me I dont mind im not that bothered about my personal space being invaded by a huggin person