Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha walked into a bar.
It was one of the local neighborhood bars in Pittsburgh’s South Side on East Carson. Why Pittsburgh? The Steelers were on and they frankly had
nothing better to do on Thanksgiving. Plus, as an added bonus, the bar menu was loaded with eclectic options appealing to all three. A jukebox played
classic rock in the background while the televisions broadcast a tight game. A handful of patrons sat alone at the bar or in small groups around
tables. A lone server worked the room while the bartender, previously engrossed in the game, turned to greet his new guests.
“What’ll it be?” the hipster-bearded bartender said to Mohammed as he lowered himself onto a stool.
“Club soda, please, with a piece of lime.”
“How about you two?” He asked the Prophet’s drinking companions.
“Water for me,” said Jesus.
“Just make me one with everything,” said the Buddha.
As the bartender turned around to prepare their drinks Jesus commented to Buddha that he didn’t think the barkeep got the joke to which Buddha
replied, “They never do.”
The bartender returned with their drinks which he placed on coasters sporting the bar’s logo and mascot, a cartoonish smiling moose. The Buddha’s
drink was comically huge and served in a tiki mug with a tiny umbrella.
“Watch this,” said Jesus and pointed his finger at his glass.
“Not again,” the Prophet scorned, rolling his eyes. The glass thrummed briefly as the water mutated into a reddish liquid.
“Chateau Petrus, 1945…de-lish. Such an amazing bouquet,” said the Son of God as he swirled his wine and looked about self-satisfyingly.
The bartender dropped some menus off and turned his attention back to the hometown team.
The Buddha twirled the tiny umbrella and stated to no one and everyone, “As rain falls equally on the just and the unjust, do not burden your heart
with judgements but rain your kindness equally on all.”
Jesus and Mohammed both turned to Buddha quizzically.
“I thought we weren’t going to be doing this today?” stated the Prophet.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
“Wait a second,” explained the Prophet after a moments contemplation, “That’s Aristotle!”
“Indeed, it is my dear Mohammed, my teachings are Universal. Some say my adherents even taught this
wandering vagabond when he disappeared in
his early years,” and gestured with his thumb at Jesus sitting to his right while taking a giant slug of his boozy drink.
“My wisdom comes from my Father,” came the matter of fact reply while Jesus held up his glass to the light and gazed contemplatively at the
wine’s inky depths.
“You guys figure out what you want?” the bartender inquired during a commercial break.
“Hummus,” said the Prophet.
“Daal,” said the Buddha.
“Just bring me a fish,” said Jesus, “and some bread.”
“Right,” said Hipster Beard and shoved the order ticket into the holder in the kitchen pass.
All three returned to their drinks while Creedence played in the background. The server, wearing a tight black outfit, sauntered by with a tray of
drafts and caught the Prophet’s eye.
“A little too old for you, no?” taunted Jesus with a smile while the Buddha snickered.
“Har, har. Very funny. Especially coming from the guy whose mommy got knocked up by him before he was born. Pretty gross if you ask me. And what are
you chuckling about, laughing man? Your daddy is supposed to be an elephant, you’d think with that pedigree you’d remember not to be a dick.”
“If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wis…”
“Oh, cut the ‘Enlightenment’ stuff,” the Prophet interrupted, “before I hit you in the neck and lighten your body of your head. All I keep
hearing is how you two always have the better philosophies.”
“Well, my friend,” said Jesus causally while swirling his Bordeaux, “the Path of Peace is one for all men to trod, and it is the righteous
“Keep it up and you’ll be on the path to pieces,” replied the Prophet and punctuated this by slurping his glass of seltzer dry with his straw
while holding Jesus in his baleful gaze, “…again”.
Jesus merely smirked but the tension was instantly broken by the arrival of their food which each of them eyed hungrily.
“Allow me, brothers,” said Jesus and took the piece of the warm parker house roll, muttered ‘body of me’, and then handed Mohammed a pita and
Buddha some naan.
“So, friend Mohammed, what of your supporters? What have they given us?” asked Buddha.
“Seriously?” began an incredulous Mohammed, “How about science and mathematics?”
“Ah, but my people invented both.”
“Maybe, but it took us to make them work
. I mean, you didn’t even have a zero! How can you do math without a zero? Your followers are
worshippers of blue dudes, and multi-headed dudes, elephant dudes and chicks with swords. No wonder they still bathe where they toss their dead,” he
“Listen,” said an irate Buddha, “keep that up and you’re gonna get some naan violence!” and shook a bread-filled fist at his companion to
underscore his sentiments.
“Brothers. Let us not argue,” interjected Jesus, “let us dine together as friends.”
Neither one said anything, so Jesus continued.
“But first let us give thanks. Heavenly father, we thank me for this bounty we are about to receive…”
“I really can’t stand when you refer to yourself in the first, second and third person at the same time,” exclaimed Buddha and shook his
“Shhhhh! And bless it to our use. Amen.”
“Amen,” echoed the other two.
edit on 13-11-2017 by AugustusMasonicus because: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn