The surprising reason why people in perfectly happy relationships end up cheating

The surprising reason why people in perfectly happy relationships end up cheating
uk.businessinsider.com...

No one wants to be cheated on. Not least because the discovery of an affair raises the inevitable question — even if only in your own head: What's wrong with you?

That is to say, we take it for granted that if someone cheats on their partner, it's because there were problems with said partner, or with the relationship in general.

And yet if you ask couples therapist Esther Perel, she'll tell you that this assumption is part of what she calls a "deficiency model" of infidelity. We mistakenly see infidelity "as a symptom of a relationship gone awry,"

"This is true in many cases," she added. "There are many motives for why people stray that have to do with the discontents of a relationship: loneliness, neglect, rejection, complacency, sexlessness.

"But then there is also the motivation that often has nothing to do with the partner, and that has to do with a form of self-seeking. Many times, people who stray are also hoping to reconnect with lost parts of themselves, with the lives un-lived, with the sense that life is short and there are certain experiences … that they are longing for. They are looking not just for another person but in a way they're looking for another self."

"Instead of thinking that the person who cheats is unhappy with their partner or with their relationship, it is sometimes important to think that they may be unhappy with themselves. Or, at least uncomfortable, restless, longing for something else, longing to reconnect with lost parts of themselves, longing to transcend a sense of deadness that they are feeling inside, longing to experience a sense of autonomy over their life.

"They're finally doing something they want. Paradoxically, while they are lying to their partner, sometimes they find themselves in this strange situation, where maybe for the first time they are not lying to themselves."

Now this is quite the eye opener and often times I also think why relationships suffer. Most of the time I was under the impression that good relationships (including marriages) fell apart due to financial distress or abusive of some kind imposed by one partner (or both)....or even the bad habits that a partner had ended up getting worse (liking drinking) and things escalated from their causing rapid deterioration in the relationship.

A chart below looking at a risks involved with infidelity is shown below



But to this author's point it makes it quite the open topic to discuss...at the subconscious level. We all have this type of person we want to be with but in reality we may find someone who is good enough to fill in the void without truly feeling satisfied inside. Hence why a relationship that seems to be going okay or good actually isn't inside the mind.

It makes me wonder how truly some people are happy to be with their significant other or how some people try to copy the Jones's model.

What are your thoughts ATS?

Btw, I really don't post in this forum but I thought this would be something that a lot of people may have going through their mind...like is their partner faithful to them or are you being faithful to your partner sort to speak.

Let's hear it out!

I have often believed that some people cheat that are actually still in love with their spouse. However, cheating is ultimately a selfish act and in fact this theory actually backs this up. I would hope that we as humans are able to overcome our basest instincts and do better.

I always thought one reason was that the crackers have been in the pantry so long they've gotten stale.

Or that people have simply "settled" for convenience.

ETA:

I have never cheated. It's wrong.

Well with all of these F# apps, its only getting worse. I'd love to find a woman that was good for me, but every girl I've ever been with has ended up not being marriage material.

Now I find it hard to trust any woman.. especially since its easier for a woman to cheat than a man due to social media. I cheated on a girl a long time ago, but that was because I was young, and we weren't even good for each other.. If I ever find a woman that I want to marry, I'd never cheat again... but that's not to say she won't.

I don't know man, the world is pretty screwed up, and I don't think its going to get better.

originally posted by: eXia7
Well with all of these F# apps, its only getting worse.

That is a very good point. An escape route to explore alternative people to your relationship. But this doesn't explain the causal effect of infidelity.

Couple that with a little princess bride dream, some nice diamond ring adverts, completely unattainable relationship expectations and some good ole Facebook reality and you’ll have yourself a perfectly innocent cheater..

My question is how many "cheaters" did this author interview to come down to this conclusion?

originally posted by: Skywatcher2011

originally posted by: eXia7
Well with all of these F# apps, its only getting worse.

That is a very good point. An escape route to explore alternative people to your relationship. But this doesn't explain the causal effect of infidelity.

I'd say in my case when I cheated on a girl, it was because I was just flat out unhappy. I was ready to move on, but didn't... I cheated instead. I tried to have my cake and eat it too. If I found my dream girl though, I'd never cheat(I think)

Also I noticed even if I was in a relationship with a girl I was a bit more compatible with, I still felt the urge creep up to stray, but I never did. Then that girl moved away for awhile for school, and I basically ended it because it wasn't going anywhere after that.

Now, If I'm just messing around with floozy girls, then yeah I'd probably still cheat on them, because they aren't the type of girls you'd want to be with for very long.

Men cheat because as the great philosopher Chris Rock notes... ain't nothing like new pootang.

Women usually cheat as they are looking for an emotional connection. Hubby stopped sending flowers or doing the sweet lil nothings that women like.

I dont care what society says, men are not really wired for monagamy. For men, getting some is like getting a massage. Many still love their wife or girl, but they like the "chase" and getting something new. Also, some women who make good wives arent as loose in tbe bedroom as a side piece.

Dont give a damn what excuse they use theres no excuse and no forgiving cheating .

Once a cheat always a cheat they wont change .

Useless bitch ex-wife was a cheat .

a reply to: VengefulGhost

Yep. It's always the assholes that cheat. No excuse is a good excuse for that. Honesty is the only worthy policy in this case. All else is useless sh# games.

I completely agree with this article. The fact that we have expectations going into a relationship, generally means it's going to fail before it's even begun. Instead of trying to find "the one" who fulfills all our expectations, we should be looking to understand who we actually are, so that when a person does come along who tickles our fancy, everything will already be in place; no expectations necessary.

I feel like we place expectations with the unconscious purpose of living out an imaginary idealistic representation of the needs of ourselves, instead of being comfortable in our own "real" skin. This leads me to the conclusion that it's not about finding "the one" outside ourselves, but finding "the one" within, which leads us to see the bliss/love in another.

a reply to: Skywatcher2011

Having been around the block a couple of times, I would not accept her lofty explanation. While "reasons" may appear in the mind to explain why in rational terms, I believe it has caused by two far more basic factors: The person is weak-willed and could not help themselves, and/or they thought they could get away with it.

This is total tosh.

This is emotionally charged verbiage designed to placate people's conscience. If you cheat you're a damned liar. You're a fool and a hypocrite. Cheaters will always self justify their actions (more so if they're caught) because they're only thinking of themselves.

That chart is utter, utter nonsense. Most all of the criteria on that chart boils down to selfish decisions. If you're not willing to compromise tiny pieces of your flawed self for another human being, do NOT get married. Do not enter relationships.

Cheating is cheating no matter the cause. The ONLY time, I think, that cheating could be acceptable is if a lady or man is in an abusive relationship, and the abuser wont allow them to leave. Cheating may get them the protection they need. That's it.

So far everyone here is making valid points! APPLAUSE!!!!

a reply to: Skywatcher2011

If they cheated then it definitely was not the perfect happy relationship.
I think it very much depends on what people expect from their relationships, or how they see it. Most people want somebody "to love them, understand them and be there for them", but when is their turn they're like "wait a minute, this is not fun anymore". They need a parent not a partner.

What this article is also saying is that when some difficulties arise instead of trying to solve them as a couple people are off to play with somebody else. Immature and selfish, they believe it was the perfect relationship as long as it was serving their own interest.
In a perfect relationship people learn to think as "we" instead of "me".

I find cheating as the worst and most damaging form of deceit. I can almost understand lying and deceiving a stranger, but someone you love? There's no excuse for that.

The simplest and cleanest way to go when you find yourself wanting somebody else is either finish your relationship and go do whatever you please, or if you value your partner start to learn the meaning of the word commitment and restrain yourself.
For both cases some growing up is required, and yeah, not everybody is there yet.

And "scientists" should stop trying to find excuses for all the selfish crap we do to other people in the name of "looking for the self" or "expressing our selves".

People cheat because they are scumbags most of them. There is no science behind it other than people suck.

Real reason is because they have lost feelings,and try to justify cheating,truth is if some one cheats they are a cheater,one of low self esteem,and women cheat just as often as men,poor moral value

a reply to: Skywatcher2011

I don't buy any of this bs.

If you cheat you are unhappy, PERIOD! If you are in love with someone you couldn't possibly think of cheating or being with someone else. It doesn't matter if you are unhappy with your partner or yourself, you are unhappy.

Why do people like to make excuses for cheating?

It's really disconcerting to see all the knee-jerk reactions. Instead of coming in here with: "Oh my gawd, cheating is Satan!!", why not actually engage in some critical thinking about yourself and others? Delve into your own psyche, drawing from experience and quite possibly placing yourself in another's shoes to formulate an educated and intelligent response. Don't superfluously regurgitate the obvious "status quo". Challenge yourself.

edit
I should add that I've been cheated on, so this is not coming from a biased viewpoint.