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No one wants to be cheated on. Not least because the discovery of an affair raises the inevitable question — even if only in your own head: What's wrong with you?
That is to say, we take it for granted that if someone cheats on their partner, it's because there were problems with said partner, or with the relationship in general.
And yet if you ask couples therapist Esther Perel, she'll tell you that this assumption is part of what she calls a "deficiency model" of infidelity. We mistakenly see infidelity "as a symptom of a relationship gone awry,"
"This is true in many cases," she added. "There are many motives for why people stray that have to do with the discontents of a relationship: loneliness, neglect, rejection, complacency, sexlessness.
"But then there is also the motivation that often has nothing to do with the partner, and that has to do with a form of self-seeking. Many times, people who stray are also hoping to reconnect with lost parts of themselves, with the lives un-lived, with the sense that life is short and there are certain experiences … that they are longing for. They are looking not just for another person but in a way they're looking for another self."
"Instead of thinking that the person who cheats is unhappy with their partner or with their relationship, it is sometimes important to think that they may be unhappy with themselves. Or, at least uncomfortable, restless, longing for something else, longing to reconnect with lost parts of themselves, longing to transcend a sense of deadness that they are feeling inside, longing to experience a sense of autonomy over their life.
"They're finally doing something they want. Paradoxically, while they are lying to their partner, sometimes they find themselves in this strange situation, where maybe for the first time they are not lying to themselves."
originally posted by: Skywatcher2011
originally posted by: eXia7
Well with all of these F# apps, its only getting worse.
That is a very good point. An escape route to explore alternative people to your relationship. But this doesn't explain the causal effect of infidelity.