Gender Jokes

Female Bashing first:
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

[Male Jokes

Men are like floor tiles.
If you lay them right, you can walk all over them

Men are like department stores...
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations...
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers...
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers...
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars...
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee...
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes...
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers...
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement...
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off of his neck.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

i hope NOW (national oraganazation for women) dosn't find this.

well, there are more male bashing jokes than female bashing jokes...

everyone nees to remember to have a sense of humor at times. If you are told that it is a joke, then take it as that, don't think that the person telling it actually beleives whatever stupid commment made by the joke is true...

BTW -

If a man is in the woods by himself, and says something, is he still wrong?

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What parallel universe does this apply to, or am I missing something here?

Why do women have boobs?

So you got something to look at while your talking to them.


Hehe thank you Peter Griffin.

You know what Princess Diana's biggest disappointment was on her wedding night?
She thought all rulers were 12 inches.

He Said/She Said



He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear
pants don't you?
******************

He said ... . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit in the recliner with the remote in my hand and fart.
**************************

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?

She said . Turn sideways
and look in the mirror!
*********************
On a wall in a ladies room . . "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.


Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?

A. He buys two cases of beer.


Q. What is the difference between men and government
bonds?

A. The bonds mature.


Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.



Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?

A. A widow.



Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.



Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?

A. They're married.



Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."