Perhaps in a conspiracy type of grand scheme truman show greedy way, where I get fans on the deep web which contribute to my monetary success in life-
which I do not find to be positive. However others might think so. But no thank you, I am not interested in the idea of being paid for my sexual
abuse or being promoted within a company due to my childhood sexual abuse and connections. That feels so much like prostitution… and I’m not a
But had I truly stuck with the stockholm syndrome (I kind of have actually, and I can’t seem to shake it) and learned to love my abuse… then
everything might be different for me. I might’ve never gotten sick because when you’re in love it doesn’t leave much room for stress hormones
to wreck havoc on your body. Being in love saves you in a very physical way… and if you can’t love your abuse then it can be something else like
god, art, school and politics. It can be anything else as long as it’s something you can totally give your life to and love with all of your heart,
mind, and body. And then theres drugs. Dissociation. Or a combination of all of the above, which I have done. But they’re all temporary stress
relievers and temporary fixes. And it’s not for real… it's not the truth.
It seems hard for people to accept that I have been there before… thanking the abuse, albeit indirectly, by turning it into a beautiful tale of
strength or just something delicious and interesting to chew on. But now I’m seeing things differently… and while “being in love” might save
you from developing psychological stresses and poor health conditions for the time being… it doesn’t last. No amount of stockholm syndrome stands
the test of time. So it’s a trap there. And also it enables the toxic environment and even encourages the abusers to continue. SO MORE FUGGING
TRAP. And in the end, it’s really just a question of… do you want to save yourself (do you only care about yourself?) in this microwave nownownow
fast impatient way, or do you want to make things better for everyone else by trying to change the environment so that we’re never in these toxic
positions in the first place? Which might mean we have to start facing the painful truth about our conditions in the first place… which will make
living in them very uncomfortable for some time. But maybe we have to get a little uncomfortable before we are prompted to change.
Do you believe things can run differently? I do. I know life can be different for all of us because it’s already changed so much. And I think our
minds can change, too… but it might be a slower evolution. And I’m fine with that because any progress is good progress to me, no matter how
At this point in my life, I can’t say that I will ever believe that “abuse” can be a catalyst for greatness or progress. A naysayer and a
debbie downer in your life telling you that you can’t do what you’re doing, and then you become energized by the challenge, does not apply here.
I’m talking about child abuse and serious trauma.
I am not sure if I am being clear enough or not. I am trying to make it an easy read but I also know… if you haven’t thought about these things
much before then you’re not going to understand the depths of what I am illustrating here- you might not be able to distinguish the different kinds
of suffering, struggles of life, challenges that life brings, and trauma. It’s like, sometimes knowledge is esoteric in the sense that… you
won’t be able to really comprehend the things that I am saying unless you already know it.
I’m reading a book right now (The Other Side of Normal by Jordan Smoller) that goes into how serious child abuse is, and how closely linked it is
with suicide and other negative things like anxiety and depression… and even negative epigenetic changes resulting in poorer health conditions and
an almost stunted brain development in some cases. It’s saying that there are “critical periods” in our lives where whatever the environment
imprints on us during that small window of opportunity, it’s there forever. It is permanent. And it can’t be rewritten. But other times there
is a definite plasticity to our brains and development, where what we experience is constantly adding and pruning the synapses in our minds. Reading
this book is reinforcing my unthankfulness I admit, about certain things which we can never change, or make good, or turn into something good.
And it’s like, communication is just us trying to build bridges so that we can meet… so that we can know something together, right? And I know
there’s things I don’t know and I remember specific conversations now where people were trying to explain things to me… but I couldn’t see
that far yet so I didn’t know what they were saying, but now I do. Now I know what they were trying to tell me and it’s a really bizarre feeling.
A little embarrassing too, and it almost feels futile trying to communicate anything to anyone because if no one is going to know it unless they
already know it, then what’s the point? But then… would I not have been lead here had it not been for all of those conversations and people
trying to give me something more? And when we try to educate one another, isn’t it just us trying not to be alone in the things that we know? And
it feels good talking to someone who already knows, too... it's a more fulfilling kind of companionship when you have that with someone.
Like I said elsewhere, words are not facts.
A persons testimony and claims are not facts.
Not even mine.
So, I am not at all convinced that it has given you any kind of extra beautiful perception of life or more compassion for others(I believe that you
tell yourself that because it makes it easier to accept such negative experiences). And I’m not even convinced you comprehend your own suffering at
this point or even the fact that you can’t really truly say who you would’ve been or not been had it not happened to you. Like, you can’t say
with scientific certainty that you would have been any less compassionate if you didn’t suffer the abuses you suffered. All of your claims are
constructed from fantasy and delusion at this point in time with nothing to back it.
But I wish you well in your journey of healing and I don’t blame you for going that route. I have done that, too. Because it feels so much better
when we can love our lives, even if that means loving the abuse, too. And I think we should love our lives. I just personally long for the truth to
make me love it, and not a lie.
Can we love that after strict dieting and exercise, we have lost so much weight and have healthy bodies now? Yes. But that doesn’t mean we have to
love how we abused our bodies previously. In fact we DIDN’T love it, and that’s why we changed. And we shouldn’t be thankful of how we abused
our bodies previously because then it gave us a chance to be healthy… that’s the kind of twisted logic that I am trying to confront here. Even
though… diet and exercise can’t compare.
I hope I have not offended you.
You know, it's a totally common trait for people who are abused to develop control issues. Because they associate not being in control with their
abuse... so they tend to overcompensate and become super controlling later in life in an attempt to prevent from ever being helpless again which in
their minds leads to abuse.
edit on 20-8-2017 by geezlouise because: (no reason given)