I am so NOT thankful of my hardships.

a reply to: geezlouise

Hey friend.

I think you have a point. I dont like celebrate how strong terrible things make me. I know they do but I am not thrilled I couldnt just have an easier ride.

I keep my head down, eyes up, and carry on.

Do what works for you. You dont have to love your pain. You only have to live with it.

Find that center. May balance find its way to you.

Be well buddy. All my heart to you. I will for you to be as happy as you can be.

*fist bump, rests forehead.

originally posted by: geezlouise
a reply to: Xtrozero

I understand that we can learn from other people's behavior for sure but at the same time, if you were truly thankful of something... wouldn't you in turn celebrate and respect it? So I think maybe people don't know what being thankful really is sometimes- because it's actually... possibly, just maybe, unthankfulness that prompts change. We are unthankful of certain behaviors, so we steer clear from emulating them.

Just something to chew on.

Ok yes and no. When something bad happens to you as a matter of happenstance and course thats one thing. But if you ever get wronged by someone telling you of some good coming from it all, well thats a another animal.

For some reason, I feel like reposting this:

originally posted by: geezlouise
I still hold a slightly different perspective though that I am not thankful for. LOL.

I tend to think that pain doesn't make people extra compassionate or give people any extra kind of special knowledge that's useful to our survival. Often times, it's all for naught/unnecessary- like we would all have done better without it.

And I believe that pain turns people into Te Ka. I know I've been a total Te Ka. But sometimes I am Te fiti, too. And if you've ever had a broken bone you'd know that the last thing on your mind will be the starving children in third world countries, or even what your neighbors or family members need. Because pain makes people extremely incredibly selfish, and I don't judge. I choose to forgive. We've all got a little Te Ka inside of us and that's ok. And it's about breaking that cycle of abuse too but STILL I will never be thankful that we are ever even in the position to choose whether or not to break the cycle.

And also? It feels like only predator types would actually have the gall to accuse a victim for being weak for not being able to "get over" or "take advantage" of a traumatic event in their lives. Because doesn't the predator want you to be ok with it... so that when they do it to you they can say, "see? You're ok, it didn't hurt, there's nothing wrong with it." And then try to use you as a example for how their abuse was the catalyst of your greatness? And then at that point is it really abuse? So then now all of the sudden, it's ok to rape children because it's not abuse.

Just think about that for a moment.

And also.

a reply to: QueenofWeird

Yes I agree.

I think the point I am trying to make here is that when we give positive meaning and purpose to something toxic (as a coping mechanism), then a sneaky tolerance of it can begin to build...

And that the "tolerance" or sneaky approval or sneaky "giving permission" of allowing that bad thing in our lives... is not making people strong. Because some things are just toxic and when a thing is so toxic, no amount of stockholm syndrome or cognitive dissonance can honestly really save anyone.

When we say, "there will always be evil in the world," are we really just shrugging our shoulders... and accepting those bad conditions? Do we feel helpless and find it utterly futile to work towards changing our world? Thus becoming more and more tolerant of the bad conditions? Thus finding more and more motivation to give positive meaning to those bad conditions, in order to cope with them?

I'm not asking or accusing YOU of doing any of these things, lol, just working out some things out in the open.

Thanks for provoking these thoughts, QueenofWeird.

a reply to: tadaman

I LOVE YOU FOREVER NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

a reply to: geezlouise

I didn't even know you had made this thread, you should have given me a heads up.

As I know what you are referring to specifically I will refrain from discussing details but I agree with your position in the context of your personal life experiences and that it is a very valid standpoint. If I were in your shoes I certainly would not be thankful for them, I would be pretty freakin homicidal.

Or more homicidal than usual.

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originally posted by: MotherMayEye
I experienced something similarly traumatic as a child and I don't think anyone would excuse an unpopular opinion I had let alone homocide.

Maybe I should lead with that experience?

What do you think?

If your life experiences are indeed identical to the Original Poster's then if I were on a jury I might not (read: would not) convict you of homicide.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

ily.

I probably lean more towards the suicidal instead of the homicidal, lol. Like the committing a social suicide and ruining my own life in other kinds of suicides(but not real suicide) than the Dexter homicide route, lol. LUMIN'S EXPERIENCES WERE DIFFERENT, OK. But I understand... specially in regards to like, if what happened to me happened to someone I knew...

Since we talked about it already, I kinda didn't want to bother you with it.

Thanks for being there. It means so much to me, more than you'll ever probably know.

originally posted by: geezlouise
I probably lean more towards the suicidal instead of the homicidal, lol. Like the committing a social suicide and ruining my own life in other kinds of suicides(but not real suicide) than the Dexter homicide route, lol.

I cant really judge you for your stance, I frankly don't know how I would handle your situation. But I know I wouldn't be 'thankful', I would be pissed the eff off.

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a reply to: MotherMayEye

I'm sorry to hear that you have had a similar experience.

It also sounds like yours was a childhood experience and while mine was too, it is also... current events. And maybe it will be ongoing, I do not know. I hope not. I do not want to be, like you said, destroyed by it. I want to live a good life. But part of living a good life to me is getting honest, with myself and about what has happened.

ATS is part of my journey to become honest with myself and becoming more authentic.

IF OTHER PEOPLE WANT TO HURT ME/TROLL ME/CRUCIFY ME BECAUSE I AM TELLING MY STORY, THEN SO BE IT. That's on them, and I refuse to be responsible for others behaviors. I own my actions and behavior, not yours. And at the end of the day I know I have told nothing but the truth and my conscience will be clean. I will not have destroyed my life. I will have lived the good life to the best of my ability.

And maybe, because it was such a long time ago for you, maybe it's easier for you to say... hey, I'm thankful of that sh-t. But I can't do that. I remember what it was like when it was happening for me, back then, and I did not respond positively to it. And I still don't apparently. Just being honest af.

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a reply to: MotherMayEye

What you have been through sounds horrific and I would never wish it upon anyone. Except maybe the perpetrators. Dexter style.

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a reply to: MotherMayEye

I am unthankful of your abuse.

And did you just use the word, revere? You mean to say that you have a deep respect or admiration for your daughters abuse? Wow that's kind of twisted and I just have one more thing to say to that:

I don't appreciate your daughters abuse, either. I'm kind of horrified for her, and you, and Kentucky.

Also, I am not convinced at all that either of you are stronger for it. Like, people can say all the sh-t they want, but words aren't facts. So do you have the gold to back up your currency?

You may actually have developed a control complex because of what you endured and so you might feel the need to set me straight, but consider this. Wanting to be extra in control of things because of a trauma, is not a strength/gain to me. All that taking charge of things and being in control... that's bullsh-t to me. And I challenge you to let it go. Take no for an answer. And accept my stance, I will NEVER be thankful of your abuse, and you can't change my mind about it.

We can still be friendly and debate about it though.

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originally posted by: geezlouise

We can still be friendly and debate about it though.

No. We can't.

Some things I do not want to debate and minutia to death.

This is one of them.

Sorry I left myself open to your twisting.

Awful!

***


ETA: Actually, let's not regard each other again unless you want me to psychoanalyze you, too. I do not think you would find it enlightening or helpful. Although you need it. You need someone to tell you the truth.

a reply to: MotherMayEye

By all means, tell me the truth.

But maybe you should wait until you've calmed down? Because clearly you have been triggered. Just calm your horses, think about everything we're both saying. Then come back to me with the truth, please. I encourage that.

a reply to: geezlouise

Pfft.

Figure it out yourself.

See how good you feel about wallowing in self pity after 10 more years of it. Your skin is so thin and every moment you can use as a crutch has been heavily leaned on. Your crutches won't hold you up much longer.

Grow up.

***

ETA: What a horrible mouth you have on you, Louise. I was talking about my child and you resort to telling me I am 'triggered.' Bleh. You leapt on me like I was taking away your special handicapped parking tag.

a reply to: MotherMayEye

What's wrong with being triggered?

How about we ask ourselves why is it we are feeling what we are feeling.

How about it's ok that you're a little triggered and so, naturally you want to strike back.

Look, I'm just calling it out as I see it.

And I think it'd be ok for you to feel sorry about what happened to you, and your daughter. Where's the wrong in that? Hell, _I_ feel sorry for what happened to you and your daughter, and I'm still not thankful for those abuses.

We're all different. We all respond differently to certain situations. There's no cookie-cutter formula to healing and coping... and if it takes 50 years, then fine. I'm not going to judge people in that way. However, I still maintain that certain attitudes and coping mechanisms can in fact aid the toxicity. And that is a problem to me that I have had to face even in myself.

If you think I've psychoanalyzed you (I haven't, I barely know you) because of what I have delivered here, then think about what kind of psychoanalyzing I have done on myself. I've had 34 years of practice psychoanalyzing myself, LOL. Not sure you can match the depths I've discovered.

But you can try.

I would like that, actually. Please try again.

a reply to: geezlouise

part of living a good life to me is getting honest, with myself and about what has happened.

Face, confront your shadow, your wilderness. That is the only way to become truly whole, and then you can't lie to yourself. It might destroy you but at least you will have been true to yourself, and that's all that matters.

F OTHER PEOPLE WANT TO HURT ME/TROLL ME/CRUCIFY ME BECAUSE I AM TELLING MY STORY, THEN SO BE IT

Screw them. They're sadists. Live for and by yourself, sing yourself, confront yourself...know yourself.

I refuse to be responsible for others behaviors

You can only be responsible for yourself. Knowing you've done and tried your best is all you have, if you are honest and true with yourself.

I don't know your history, but some wounds never heal and will forever be scars, so we live with them, carry them, and they make us honest with ourselves.

Because people suck, and we only have ourselves.