My ex just killed himself...

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

It's alright to feel confused-just don't let anyone tell you how to grieve.

A few months ago my neighbors son and friend did the deed and he was not the only friend i've lost via suicide. My friend's father was obviously devastated and I didn't know what to say so I just listened to him. People have their own way of dealing with trauma, a few years ago a young dude was a victim of an intentional hit and run and was in a poor state when I found him, and a neighbor was crying and frantic and was trying to get to him but I had to shout to her yelling not to touch him because of possible spinal injury. Poor dude had a crushed pelvis but I couldn't blame my neighbor for being hysterical.

Some people react to stimuli differently and that's perfectly natural. Just talk to someone, anyone willing to listen, suicide does come as a shock-Believe me when you make that fateful decision to end your life that person is not the right frame of mind, and your friend's decision is not your fault.

Dr. Cake's remedy is watching or doing something you enjoy or laugh at, keep your mind at ease and if you feel like you need to talk to a professional then do so, in the meantime here are some baby red pandas to cheer you up.

a reply to: silo13

Silo, I know we have definitely had our disagreements. I appreciate you taking the time to respond,I really do. I did want to let you know that now doesn't seem like an appropriate time to offer tough love in the way of saying it's sad that I do not believe in an afterlife. I do know you mean well, and your response I am sure is guided by your heart, so I really appreciate your condolences. I just, personally, would rather not use this as a time to discuss our varying views on religion..or varying views regarding anything like that. As, to me, whether I believe in an afterlife or not has no matter in this situation.

Please do not take my response the wrong way, as I can assure I did not take yours the wrong way. Like I said, I appreciate you taking the time to offer me condolences despite our previous disagreements.

Regardless of religious views or lack thereof, thank you for responding. I appreciate it.

a reply to: Noinden

I am incredibly sorry that you have experienced hardships even remotely close to what I feel like I'm going through. I would not wish this on anyone, not even close to it. I appreciate your kindness and your helpfulness, I feel grateful that I have been able to relate to so many of you, as it does make me feel less alone in this.

Thank you.

a reply to: filthyphilanthropist

Thank you for your well-wishes. And I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. I'm still attempting to come to terms with the idea that there was nothing I could do. I know, at least at this point, that it will definitely take some time.

To everyone that has replied since my last update..thank you so much, I read all of your posts where you were all so kind and gave me such awesome advice and sweet wishes. It will continue to mean the world to me. I also read all of those that offered me a glimpse into their own person experiences...and I am sorry for anyone on here that has had tragedy overcome their life at any point or in any way. All of you have been so kind and so wonderful that none of you deserve anything outside of happiness.

Thank you so much, everyone. I will update when I can.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I am somewhat of a Stoic (well the preChristian Gaelic equivalent), its not what your life is, it is what you make of it. Life is love and laughter AND pain and tears. The journey (dan (path)) is what matters.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. My 34 year -old cousin hung herself last year and while not my ex-fiancé, I do understand the shock of hearing that sort of news.

It is hard enough to grieve a death but to add self-inflicted loss to the grief is another mater entirely. You are left with "what if I'd done this," or "how come I didn't know?"

It's a very confusing place to be, dealing with grief and guilt and the millions of questions that keep you up at night.

Please find someone to talk to--like a grief counselor---because, really, unresolved grief is a monster. It turns into anger and self-inflicted wounds and years of confusion.

Do that for your future self.

In my humble opinion, your ex was fighting battles you probably knew nothing about. The cheating on you and the cold feet were merely symptoms of something deeper going on.

It was most likely caused by a poorly formed sense of self. This is common these days and usually manifests itself through poor decision making, inability to even make good decisions because of a lack of understanding of one's psyche and depression.

I just dont believe the women in his life were the cause of his suicide, but instead the women provide us with a window in which to glimpse his confusion about his own sense of self. You were but a symptom of some serious dysfunction.

I know you must be devastated about not answering the phone and I hope you will put this into perspective over the years. His death was his own choice. No ones life hinges on a phone call. You cannot go back and change the events leading up to his death and while it may be tempting to feel guilty, you must work to avoid this trap.

You have strength and compassion. That is abundantly clear. Use these traits to get yourself through this and to forgive him.

Have your own private ceremony for this man. Sail his name away in a homemade boat or sit under the stars and say goodbye and wish him well.

Release him as poignantly as you can, honoring the love you two shared.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

The universe is infinite...

originally posted by: openyourmind1262
Your ex fiancé kills himself and you go on ATS and write a wall of text explaining what exactly? Your guilt? And all this while your "late for work". But had the time to write a" wall of text" about all this. Hum????? Suicide is a really terrible thing anytime it happens no matter who it is......but guilt will slowly eat you away till there's nothing left but a shell of a person......your post drips with guilt.....sorry to be the devils advocate on this. Get some help with this or we may be reading about your untimely suicide in the future.

There's no need for this post

Don't blame yourself.
Chances are huge that a future with him would have been awful.
He missed the essential life force.
Go to the funeral. Cry as much as you feel you have to. Than leave everything and everyone that reminds him of you behind. Put the experience in your backpack and get on with your life.
You did just the same I would have done. Only you had bad luck. But life is some way or another sincere. You must see every experience as an opportunity to grow.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Just out of curiosity... where were you? 2 hours before you received that phone call before you came home and supposedly went to sleep?

a reply to: ImmortalLegend527

I would be happy to answer the question if I was certain what you were actually asking? If you're talking about my OP, then I'm not sure how your question couldn't be answered with what information I provided in the OP. And I never said I 'supposedly went to sleep'. In my OP, I clearly stated I didn't sleep at all. So, not sure what you're getting at? Again, I said it several times, I am happy to clarify anything...but in this case, I'm not exactly sure what you're asking that couldn't have been answered just by reading the OP?

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Hey Reyna,
I just wanted to check in with ya and see how you are doing.

I hope you've been able to get some quality rest for not only your physical being, but mental being as well.
Mulling over what ifs in your mind day in day out is very hard on a person.
So I hope you are doing as good as can be expected.

if you need anyone to talk to send me a PM.
I've dealt with PTSD for years now over "what ifs"
When I was with the fire department. The majority of our calls where to assist at hi-way accidents.
I've seen a lot on those calls and had to make some very hard decisions.
Things that will stick with me till I die.
Everything effects each and every person differently.

The best course of action I found was talking about it.
So I ask you to continue talking about it.
It doesn't have to be on a public forum, but to someone you trust. Someone you know will listen.
Getting those words out help the mind accept what took place and help process it.

Just trying offer a bit of advice.
I hope you are doing well,

Mac.

I'd like to know how you are doing as well.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

How many people were at the party?
How many minutes or hours did he live from you?
Can your co workers at the party vouch for you being there?
Did you have contact or did you know his finance?
Just curious.

a reply to: ImmortalLegend527

Well it was about eight of us from work, and she had also invited other friends she knew, so we were a pretty large group at the bar, which most of it is on an outdoor deck right next to the water. He lived probably a 25 to 45 minute drive from where I live and probably around the same amount of time from the bar we were at. And yes, they could vouch if for some reason it was requested or required? And no, I do not know his fiance. I simply know of her. I've never formally met her, nor have I seen her in person. I assuming she got my phone number from his phone..or his mother? I didn't ask her..but she was one of the numbers I didn't recognize that called me, only when I heard her voicemail did I know she was had called me.

I'm fine answering questions, but can I ask what you're insinuating?

A minor update, not much has changed. I haven't spoken to his mother anymore than what I've already mentioned. I'm getting by, trying to prepare for the weekend. I'm, at this point, awaiting for some word from his mother possibly with the date of a service for him. I think at that point I will decide whether or not I'll be going...I have not heard from her though, so I'm still waiting.

I sincerely appreciate you guys who posted recently, asking how I am. I really appreciate it. I'm obviously still down a bit, but I've been trying to distract myself any way I can think to. I've been writing a lot, which has helped a bit. Thank you again you all for being so kind..

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: ImmortalLegend527

Well it was about eight of us from work, and she had also invited other friends she knew, so we were a pretty large group at the bar, which most of it is on an outdoor deck right next to the water. He lived probably a 25 to 45 minute drive from where I live and probably around the same amount of time from the bar we were at. And yes, they could vouch if for some reason it was requested or required? And no, I do not know his fiance. I simply know of her. I've never formally met her, nor have I seen her in person. I assuming she got my phone number from his phone..or his mother? I didn't ask her..but she was one of the numbers I didn't recognize that called me, only when I heard her voicemail did I know she was had called me.

I'm fine answering questions, but can I ask what you're insinuating?

What did the voice mail say?
How fast do you drive?
Were you still having relations with him in the last year?
Do you own a gun?

originally posted by: ImmortalLegend527

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: ImmortalLegend527

Well it was about eight of us from work, and she had also invited other friends she knew, so we were a pretty large group at the bar, which most of it is on an outdoor deck right next to the water. He lived probably a 25 to 45 minute drive from where I live and probably around the same amount of time from the bar we were at. And yes, they could vouch if for some reason it was requested or required? And no, I do not know his fiance. I simply know of her. I've never formally met her, nor have I seen her in person. I assuming she got my phone number from his phone..or his mother? I didn't ask her..but she was one of the numbers I didn't recognize that called me, only when I heard her voicemail did I know she was had called me.

I'm fine answering questions, but can I ask what you're insinuating?

What did the voice mail say?
How fast do you drive?
Were you still having relations with him in the last year?
Do you own a gun?

Seriously? I think it's obvious now what you're insinuating...how the hell can you even post something like that and feel okay about it?

a reply to: ImmortalLegend527

Are you crazy?

I think everyone who has posted on this board should report you for your response to the OP.

You are one twisted individual and I think you should be banned from AT for your comments.

I hope you are.