It has happened. The unthinkable. The nightmare has begun.

a reply to: whyamIhere

"Knock knock knockin' on Heaven's door. . . . Knock knock knockin' on Heaven's door. . . . "

a reply to: DBCowboy

Then I would scour the Internet for articles to show my wife like this

Drinking is good for us!!!

Alcohol's biggest benefits are well known and well-studied: A glass of wine a day can cut your risk of cardiovascular disease and even help you live longer, and resveratrol—vino's touted antioxidant—has power health perks. But the benefits of tippling—in moderation!—go far beyond heart health, longevity, and red wine. In fact, a drink here and there—be it beer, liquor, or white wine—can do everything from strengthen your brain to keep colds at bay.

It never worked with her but it never stopped me from trying.

a reply to: whywhynot

I allowed my wife to learn how to read and she actually goes online by herself.


Damn me for being such a liberal!

originally posted by: DBCowboy
a reply to: butcherguy

Chicken, brown rice, steamed vegetables, no butter, and something called yo-gert. I have no idea what that alien dish is.

What kind of steak is a "yo-gert"?

Plus, I have to give up sodas and no booze.

No booze.

Why she doesn't just ask me to stop breathing is beyond me.

Insane...

No soda? We make our own with seltzer n sugar free coffee syrup n dairy of some kind... half n half or milk or milk substitute ie coconut or almond milk. Yummy

Homemade ginger ale is good too. Just cut up a piece of ginger... peel it n pop it into a bottle of seltzer for 2 days n *poof*... ginger ale. If you prefer it sweet add raw unfiltered honey... the stuff that looks like marshmallow fluff but is honey... can also use stevia drops.

Curry n cayenne can help speed metabolism... ginger is super good for u.

I feel sorry for you just make sure she's eating what you have to otherwise its super unfair....

originally posted by: DBCowboy
a reply to: whywhynot

I allowed my wife to learn how to read and she actually goes online by herself.


Damn me for being such a liberal!

roflmao

I am going to eat a popsicle.
It is still over 80 degrees here after the sun is down.

Diet starts tomorrow.

a reply to: AkontaDarkpaw

My bride is a tiny little thing who can feel full after a grape or a 32 ounce steak.

She is my raison d'être.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Apparently. . . . my bride, the love of my life, the reason for my being, the Sun to my moon. . . .

Is putting me on a diet.

Let this thread be a chronicle of the horrors I must face, the herculean challenges I must confront.

The sordid wench wants me to actually live for more than just a few more years. She wants me to be old and put up with my children for decades!

FOR DECADES!

Is she mad? Is she totally insane?

Well, she is of the species, "Wimmin".

I knew I should have gone gay. Another guy wouldn't put me through the horror of a sensible diet.

Ha ha ha ha ha...burp! ha ha ha ha....burp! ha ha ha ha ha.

originally posted by: Perfectenemy
a reply to: DBCowboy

My condolences DB.

I'm so glad that my insane metabolism rate prevents me from getting fat ever. It's impossible for me. I can eat what and how much i want and still maintain my current weight with no effort or problems at all.

Enjoy your gluten free meals and of course the indefinable paste called tofu.

I was blessed in the same genetics. I still weigh the same as I did in high school. About 170.
I eat what I want when I want.
It doesn't really bother me much to fast, but I can eat like a horse and not gain much weight.
I spent three months in county jail once and put on about 30 lbs, but it dropped right off when I got back in the free world.

Reminds me of a joke:

--I just lost 200 lbs of ugly fat.

--Really?...How'd you do it?

--I divorced my wife.

Seriously...
I don't know how heavy you truly are, DB...
but if dropping some lbs is gonna keep you around a lot longer...I'm with your evil wife on this one.

I can't imagine ATS without you.
You're one-in-a-million.

Yep , dont know why but wives are concerned over our life spans and health
Say goodbye to all that you knew before....
Veteran husband for 38 years......
and been on diet of mostly turkey since 2000
no salt , no fried foods , no sweets
Just the stuff that doesnt have a taste or tastes bad

a reply to: IAMTAT

Alcohol and salt is a preservative.

I'm going to live forever!

I keep my twinkies and peanut butter in the garage in my tool box. They never catch on to "I gotta go check the tires on your Suburu; can't be to careful"

originally posted by: DBCowboy
a reply to: butcherguy

Chicken, brown rice, steamed vegetables, no butter, and something called yo-gert. I have no idea what that alien dish is.

What kind of steak is a "yo-gert"?

Plus, I have to give up sodas and no booze.

No booze.

Why she doesn't just ask me to stop breathing is beyond me.

Dear Lord! I've finally put it all together ... You're actually Cap'n Jack Sparrow, the real one, and you've just been messing with us all this time. You never really did drop that gold dubloon back in the chest did you?

In all seriousness though. She wants you to stick around.😊

I suggest buying your junkfood in both secrecy and in bulk DB. Find some loose floorboards or punch a hole in the drywall behind a painting, you gotta think like you're back in highschool and your mom's after your stash of grass.

I'm forced to break the most sacred rule of Bro Code
RULE #1 Bros before Those non Bros, and side with your wife on this one. Hold the applause, I'm doing it for my own selfish reasons. We, or at least I need you to stick around as long as you can. I look forward to seeing your responses on some of the posts around here. You have a very clever style of sarcasm that I have come to enjoy. Also as a fellow Oregonian it's comforting to know that there is at least one other person in the insane state that hasn't completely gone off the deep end.....yet!

a reply to: rexsblues

My mom found a 1/4 lb in my sock drawer once in the 1970's. She asked me what it was... so I told her the truth.
So.... don't put it in your sock drawer.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I'm making shrimp and cheesy grits on Friday and veal chops with potato puree and a herb jus on Saturday.

THE HORROR