It looks like you're using an Ad Blocker.

Please white-list or disable AboveTopSecret.com in your ad-blocking tool.

Thank you.

 

Some features of ATS will be disabled while you continue to use an ad-blocker.

 

Child Abuse..Do You Ever Really Recover?

page: 1
21
<<   2 >>

log in

join
share:

posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 05:49 AM
link   
Phoenix358 created a thread on child abuse and its complexity. I didn't want to cause any thread drift so I created a separate thread to expand and share.

There is this option here for those that are hell bent on derailing..

So here it goes. Around my ninth year of existence, my mother and father divorced apparently due to my fathers infidelity as I have been told. My mother told me years later that she wasn't quite sure that was the case , but they parted ways anyway.

I grew up within the Jehovah's Witnesses organization, and up until the divorce of my parents, our entire family was very strong and committed to ourselves and our religious beliefs. We were always around each other...events, dinners, card nights for the adults, and play time and bonding between cousins. It was very structured and comforting to have given expectations that you could count on.

My father was from the south, the 5th child of 13, raised on a farm and without a lot of education, he managed to enlist in the Army and received a battlefield commission during the Korean War. He retired and moved to California where he met my mom. My mother was already with two little girls at the time, and if my oldest sister hadn't smiled so brightly at my father to be at a local grocery store, I wouldn't exist now to share this with all of you.

My mother was quite intelligent and an artist to boot. She could sculpt, draw, paint, design without any training at all. It was stunning to all but her. She was her worst critic.

Together, my father and her spent 9 years collaborating on many projects throughout our house, actually building the major furnishings we needed within and outside the house. This was around the mid 70's for reference. My mother and father seemed invincible..

I remember everything being...well, running like a well oiled machine. Us kids had chores and school, and nothing was threatening aside from deviations from what you were expected to do.

My father had a heavy hand. You wouldn't experience it if you did what was expected. Nothing unrealistic or tyrannical, just do your part and do well in school.

We NEVER wanted to upset Dad. I remember my first spanking... I thought it would never end. I was spanked with a switch until it didn't make sense to cry any more. My father would take us into his and my mother's bedroom, close the door behind us, a lock to high to reach to escape and chase us around the room whipping us.

My mother did nothing... at first.

I found our later that my mother's father, whom I never met, he passed away before I was born, had abused her and her sisters in every way imaginable. Treating them like second, third and forth wives if you understand my meaning. Tortured, raped, and abused constantly. I honestly think she never told my father of any of it.

Today, I look back and can see why she never stepped in to say that's too much when our father would lay down the law.....until one day when I was 8 years old..

We all got new bicycles, my two sisters and I, and we were going out solo around the block for a ride. I remember my mom putting a X on my right hand to remind me to stay right while riding in the street. Well, half way around the block, my two sisters are on my right and we are neck and neck. There's a huge RV parked and coming up on our right, and my one sister is trying to go around left of it...but Mon said stay right so I'm keeping her from make that maneuver. She ends up nailing the the rear end of the RV and ripping a hole in the spare tire cover in the back.

To this day I don't really know why I didn't stop..I just kept going..

I got back to the house and my mom asked where my sister's were and I told her the truth. Back then neighbors KNEW neighbors! So as soon as my father found out, he went into the backyard, got a switch and came to get me. I was in my mother's arms when he entered their bedroom and told her to let me loose. I remember her saying, "You aren't going to touch my babies.." and then the strikes came... he whipped us both while my mother held me tightly.

You would think that would be an endgamer, but shortly after..things got back to normal..

Eventually, unbeknownst to us kids at the time, the marriage was sinking, but our parents made it seem normal until we were all sitting in family court wondering what was going on. I remember my feet couldn't touch the floor there either...just a memory.. weird I know.

So it was shocking when Dad left and Mom was all we had... I remember all of us in her bed at our new home crying our eyes out because we all were so uncertain of our future and what had actually happened.. it was the most frightening time of my life..

My mother's uncertainty became clarity and I think everything that had ever been done to her was about to be transferred to her son....a representation of the last man who did her wrong...

I'll stop here and continue later. It gets really bad from here so I need to stop.

Part 2 later..




posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 06:03 AM
link   
Realizing that you stopped before you'd finished in preparation for a part two... I still feel compelled to provide my own, personal insights into the general question that you've posed: Whether the victims of childhood abuse every fully recover or not.

For me, an adult who grew up in an intensely violent and abusive household is yes - and - no.

At fifty years old I still carry the scars of that abuse, both physically and psychologically. But those wounds no longer effect me nearly to the extents that they once had the power over me to accomplish. I no longer hate. I no longer drive myself insane wondering why. I no longer try to force any of it to make sense.

I just accept that some very bad things happened and then find strength in the reality that I somehow made it through and made it through a better person than those who hurt me. I don't pass my curse to the next generation or the one after that. It ends with me and there is a very, very powerful catharsis to be found within that thought.

I've walked through Hell, an innocent who couldn't even fathom the depths of the depravity or abuse... And not only did the experience not poison or taint me - but it gave me negative role models that enabled me to transcend my environment.

Just some anecdotal musings. Your mileage, of course, may vary.

Best of luck.



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 06:15 AM
link   
a reply to: Hefficide

Thanks for sharing, I truly appreciate it. I know I'm not alone, nor do I think my story is the worst that can happen.

I was hoping to share to open a dialogue for those that need a non-confrontational release if need be.

Obviously I do and maybe you did as well by relating to this.

Thanks again. I do have to finish the story as hard as it will be.



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 06:19 AM
link   
I've interviewed several adults whom all went through varying levels of child abuse; some mild, some beyond severe. It is certainly possible to overcome the negative feelings that accompany such trauma, living a normal, happy, and healthy life.

The memories are unlikely to ever fade, unless in cases where suppression occurrs, but I've personally not seen a healthy lifestyle within those cases. The events still torment those people, but in a way that's sort of between the conscious and unconscious level. Kind of like how you always have a shadow in the light, but you only briefly become aware of it from time to time.

Some of the cases lead to personality changes and other disorders , which can be very difficult to live with and seek help for. Things like Sociopathy or Dissociative Identity Disorder.

It all comes down to individuality and how a person naturally deals with that kind of trauma at such a young age.

Similarly, at adulthood, it too dipends on the individual on how easily one can overcome child abuse.

At that age the brain is highly succeptable to various influences, and so can radically defend itself from those experiences.

It's a great, courageous thing to tell your story, vent, and get things out of you. It can be very therapeutic.

However, the best way to really help yourself deal with those memories is through a therapist, in person


edit on 24/6/17 by Ghost147 because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 06:22 AM
link   
Basically what Heff said, with my own twist. I do hate. Every minute of every day, I hate that bastard that made my childhood such a horror. And on the other hand, I don't give him a single thought.
Many think that they can hide the scars of abuse, whether they be physical or mental, but sooner or later, there they are. I am generally a pretty quiet person. I've had people scream insults at me, get in my face and do everything possible to start a fight and you'd think I was bored from all the reaction they got.
Lay a finger on my kids and I'll mail you back to your loved ones in pieces. Literally.
That is my trigger point and how my abuse comes out. I myself was mistreated and to see my kids, or any child for that matter, being mistreated, sends me into a blind rage.
Try as I might, I can never quite put all that away. From the day we buried him, I have never been to my father's grave. And if I do, it will only be to piss on it.



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 06:33 AM
link   
a reply to: Ghost147

Thanks Ghost.

I honestly think that even though I have several wins in my life, (more than several actually) that what I've suppressed for so long is starting to effect me ways that are pretty confusing and yet therapeutic.

I will take your recommendation for therapy if I feel it necessary.



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 06:44 AM
link   
My earliest memories were not good but I didn't know what normal was, I even thought losing my first tooth from my father striking me so hard at 5 was normal.

The best way I've found to help heal the scars that were left from a traumatic childhood are. [snipped] Don't over compensate, but focus on what type of person you would have wanted him/her to be, and let the madness and chaos stop at your generation.

A good rule of thumb is stay away from all alcohol, drugs, or mood altering substances, because what is left over is hard enough to deal with sober.

Constant discipline and awareness is required to not repeat the same F-up'd patterns that were learned as a child, but it can be done.

As for forgetting? I never want to forget what I personally went through because it made me the compassionate, understanding, and caring person/father I am today.

And I can proudly say I have never had to hit my child once, and he's a well adjusted and caring young man these days, without the baggage of childhood abuse.



edit on 24-6-2017 by Realtruth because: (no reason given)

edit on Sat Jun 24 2017 by DontTreadOnMe because: edit per member request



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 06:46 AM
link   
a reply to: DAVID64

David, (my middle name consequently..:up
thank you for sharing almost exactly the way I feel about my kids.

I will be honest in saying that I almost became my parents when my girls were young and they had taken paint and ran around the entire house lol, floor to their wall height, and just went to town.

I was so enraged like my father right then, like I felt I had to correct them with severity of action like I was delt with. Through the horrors of my father and mother (part 2) , It was almost automatic if I hadn't starting weeping thinking about how scared and scarred my own children would be if I continued the cycle.

It was thinking of my mother the artist, how my girls were just being an extension of her that stayed my hand, and I NEVER felt that way again.



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 06:49 AM
link   
a reply to: EternalShadow

I'll give a short answer just so that I don't put up details that would either turn peoples stomachs or get the comment removed. So here goes:

I was abused in the worst possible way, a way that shouldn't happen to any young person. All abuse is bad but for me it was the worst kind, I was abused by the oldest brother (9 siblings all together.) I'm third youngest. It started from the age of roughly ten, and stopped about thirteen and then started up again when I was about fifteen thankfully he moved out a few months into my sixteenth year. People that know, which are very few ask me if it has effected me in any way and others don't believe that something can stick with you in adulthood and so let me say for me, it does, oh it definitely does.

Again not going into TMI details, but it has screwed up my "love life", it has made me question my orientation, it has made me fear the touch of another person leading to OCD and a minor case of Anxiety and a lack of trusting for human beings (which is why ATS is a blessing in some ways). I grew up in a state of confusion and hatred. I reached out to a teacher at school but in those days it wasn't really something teachers either knew how to deal with or what to do (I left him a note and said "who do you speak to if you're being abused" and I watched as he screwed it up and threw it in the bin which defeated me in terms of getting help, so yh it sticks with me at least, and while I'm seeing a therapist the idea that it might not stay with some people makes me insanely jealous of them because the memories and nightmares are often in the back of my mind and it has actually cost me someone I truly liked because I didn't like the physical aspects of a relationship.

So at least yh I think that anyone, not saying the OP thinks this, the abuse doesn't have a lasting effect on people is strange to me. (Hope this is on topic)



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 06:54 AM
link   
What is the old saying,"people don't always remenber the good but they remember the bad",I'm very sure this would effect someone,some to more of an effect then others,some experiance grief after joy,they conditioned them selves,and at a young age these become instinctual,.not unlike people bullied called racist names,sexual gender orientation,I'm very sure it would be a constant mental battle



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 07:02 AM
link   
a reply to: Realtruth

It's sickening what some of us go through..it truly is.

I really appreciate your insight, because as of late, it's starting to leak out of the barriers I set in place as a child. Doesn't effect work or anything.. it's just there now.

My girls were never abused or hit either. They are grown women now, assured of their place in the world, their direction and now Dad is sifting through the mess I never let them see.

Kinda like bottling twice really.

I'm ashamed of not letting them know of such things, and at the same time, I'm ashamed for discounting them for who they are to understand such things.

There are just something parents just don't share to ensure our kids have a solid base.

Us guys, huh? Geezus...



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 07:19 AM
link   

originally posted by: Dwoodward85
a reply to: EternalShadow



Again not going into TMI details, but it has screwed up my "love life", it has made me question my orientation, it has made me fear the touch of another person leading to OCD and a minor case of Anxiety and a lack of trusting for human beings (which is why ATS is a blessing in some ways).


Completely on topic, and thank you.

I can relate in so many ways as I ponder on loves I've lost and being apprehensive and weirdly cynical about relationships now.



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 07:32 AM
link   
Great thought provoking thread! Oh yeah, non political!! Thank God...... at 5 years old my father died in an accident in front of me on vacation. I've been diagnosed with PTSD from it, it manifests in severe panic disorder. To the point on not able to function, with a low dose antidepressant I live a pretty normal life. Can't do things were I can't escape, planes, trains, large crowds, traffic jams. So a simple answer is.....some scares never heal. No matter what people say, you can't just get over it, it's deeply programmed. My storie is not unique...



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 07:36 AM
link   
a reply to: EternalShadow

I'm much more than 'middle aged' at this point in my life and the survivor of both sexual and physical abuse from relatives and various other people's for about 10 years.

Getting over it, is the wrong way to look at it. It's a part of you, it's made you who you are, for the better if you've risen above it and turned yourself into a good human being, instead of the scum that did this to you.

Now just because you don't get 'over it' doesn't mean that, it still negatively impacts you. As Heff mentioned above, it can be used a blueprint for ' how not to act' while being an adult and lead to very successful relationships with people.

It's nobody's fault but the ones who abused you and others in your life. All you can do is take from those terrible memories, vow to never put anybody through the same and defend those who are being put through it.

You'll be fine. Just having the guts to express yourself like this within our community is proof enough of that.

~Tenth


edit on 6/24/2017 by tothetenthpower because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 07:36 AM
link   

originally posted by: Oldtimer2
What is the old saying,"people don't always remenber the good but they remember the bad",I'm very sure this would effect someone,some to more of an effect then others,some experiance grief after joy,they conditioned them selves,and at a young age these become instinctual,.not unlike people bullied called racist names,sexual gender orientation,I'm very sure it would be a constant mental battle


Good point.

I've been an absolute master since childhood at locking away and dismissing the bad. It was just another day..but you're right, you will always remember.

For me I suppose was the unconscious battle of keeping it hidden.

Not healthy I know, but I did it for my kids and myself for most of my life until recently.



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 07:38 AM
link   

originally posted by: WUNK22
Great thought provoking thread! Oh yeah, non political!! Thank God...... at 5 years old my father died in an accident in front of me on vacation. I've been diagnosed with PTSD from it, it manifests in severe panic disorder. To the point on not able to function, with a low dose antidepressant I live a pretty normal life. Can't do things were I can't escape, planes, trains, large crowds, traffic jams. So a simple answer is.....some scares never heal. No matter what people say, you can't just get over it, it's deeply programmed. My storie is not unique...


And yet your story is valid and helpful. Thank you.



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 07:55 AM
link   
a reply to: tothetenthpower

Thanks Tenth...very insightful on your part and I appreciate it.

I'm not sure now if posting part 2 would be helpful.
It's always going to be in me, but as you advised it doesn't define me. I agree. I wouldn't be honest however, if I didn't say that it's bubbling up to the surface and manifesting itself in ways I'm starting to consciously recognize.... and I don't like it. It's challenging who I've become and what I've overcome.

It's a terrible story, but not unique or even as severe as some and that makes me feel it's not necessary per se to dump it here.

I thank you and wholeheartedly empathize with everyone.

Good people here..truly.



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 08:16 AM
link   
a reply to: EternalShadow

My take ... comes right out of a Charlie Daniels song.



That's been fifty years ago
And you can go by there yet
There's a spot in that yard
In the back of that shack
Where the ground is always wet

And on certain nights
If the moon is right
Down by that dark footpath
You can hear three young men screaming
And you can hear one old man laugh

If you ever go back into Wooley Swamp
Well, you better not go at night
There's things out there in the middle of them woods
That'd make a strong man die from fright

Things that crawl and things that fly
And things that creep around on the ground
And they say the ghost of Lucius Clay
Gets up and he walks around



posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 08:21 AM
link   

originally posted by: EternalShadow
a reply to: Realtruth


My girls were never abused or hit either. They are grown women now, assured of their place in the world, their direction and now Dad is sifting through the mess I never let them see.

Kinda like bottling twice really.

I'm ashamed of not letting them know of such things, and at the same time, I'm ashamed for discounting them for who they are to understand such things.

There are just something parents just don't share to ensure our kids have a solid base.



There is no right or wrong when to share such things with people we love, but sometimes it helps to make sense of things to slowly, and calmly tell our loved ones, at a time of reason, what we went through.

I don't think you should be ashamed of anything, sounds like you did a great job in raising your children. Like I said there is no right or wrong, only you know when and where to tell, or not.

I shared with my son what happened to me, because I was afraid of repeating things, and not being aware of it, so I asked my son, at an early age to help keep me in check. I asked him to speak his mind, and to tell me when things were bothering him.

I believe forming a bond of trust is very important, and never compromising that bond. Most children have unconditional love for their parents, and for their siblings, but as time moves on and that love is compromised by chaos love can turn to confusion and anger.

I taught my son early on, that just because someone is older doesn't mean you can trust them, or need to obey them without question. And yet he still understands the meaning of respect.

The fact that an adult, or especially a family member would sexually abuse a child is beyond my realm of comprehension. Adults/parents are here to protect, nurture children to be the best they can be.

I'm not sure what demon's lurk within some, but talking about it out loud does make a difference.

Thank you for sharing your story.





posted on Jun, 24 2017 @ 08:37 AM
link   
a reply to: Dwoodward85




a lack of trusting for human beings


That. Right. There.

I have 6 people in my life that I trust. My 3 kids, my Mom, my sister and nephew. Period. The rest of you may as well be Ted Bundy. Evil just waiting for a chance to strike. Hell of a way to go through life idn't it?
But, I have to say, after almost 53 years, "you" haven't done much to prove me wrong.



new topics

top topics



 
21
<<   2 >>

log in

join