Having a really hard day... missing my big brother

I can't seem to get through 5 minutes today without buckling from emotional distraught. As some of you may know, my older brother passed away unexpectedly (and due to doctor's errors) just before Christmas [if you're curious there is a thread about it, with photos and details in it here].

I think about him every day, I listen to his voicemails, I talk to him sometimes, and it's a way for me to still be connected to him. My siblings and I ran (legs of) a marathon a few weeks ago in his honor, and we've had lots of difficult holidays (birthdays, Xmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, other family get-togethers) since then, and each of us has a big hole inside of us. The "feeling" just isn't the same, and although we often do talk about my brother Ian, there is also that unspoken pain and glaring obviousness of his absence.

I'm living with his twin, in my brother Ian's room, and that's been difficult but also nice because I feel he is closer to me. I wear his clothes (the ones that fit), and I try to hold on to every physical thing I can that was his. I know some of that isn't healthy, but losing him has completely changed my view of the world and my place in it.

It's been six months since we lost him, and time is not making it any easier. I'm also currently studying for an insurance exam to get certified in my state, and he was a successful professional in the insurance industry for over a decade. This wasn't something I sought out, but rather an opportunity that presented itself and one that I am committed to.

I'm studying every day for this exam. I'm doing it for myself, but also for Ian.

But today I can't get sh*t done. I'm not sure what is bringing this on, but it's one of the harder days since we've lost him. I did see him in a dream a few nights ago, although I can't remember exactly what we said to each other, just that it felt natural and peaceful getting to see him (I've seen him in about 4 dreams now, but this was the first one in couple of months).

I don't know why I wanted to write this on ATS. I guess there are some people who understand me on here better than in my "real" life, and it's good to connect with a lot of you.

I'm just so afraid, having a crisis of sorts, because deep down I do believe there is existence after this physical plane, but what if I never see him again? I don't even want to think about that... in my entire life one thing I want more than anything is just to reunite with him one day, and I'm not sure if that will ever happen.

I'm lost. I miss him, and I just want to talk to him, hear his voice, his jokes, and feel his hugs. The world is a cruel place (there is beauty in it too, don't get me wrong), and I'm full of anger, worry about "what's next", and crippling grief.

Some days I don't know what I'm even doing in life (everyone has that), and this is one of those days. Missing my big brother and hoping he hears me. Thanks for reading.

The twins in Lake Tahoe:


In Chicago, by a fountain, I love the light behind him and his arms open like that:



Ian at a Fundraiser a few days before he passed:

I'm so sorry. I've been going through similar throws of grief due to loss of a beloved family member.

I am scared most days. Sometimes its psychically debilitating, sometimes I become psychically ill and it's almost been a year.

To me that's all normal......

Just the other day I couldn't stop crying. My sons father became agitated with me and berated me for crying in front of our son, which just made things worse. Some days are like that, I just can't keep it together. Other days I feel a small trickle of the strength my papa had, and I'm able to carry on, lump in my throat and all.

Let me offer you this:

My papa told me he wasn't afraid of death, because we would all face it at one time or another. He promised me if there was something after death and if it was possible, we would see each-other again, we would be together again. He promised me that if we could not, if there was nothing after death, then it didn't quite matter anyways. He just wanted me to know I was and am still loved, and that I would be okay without him.

I'm sure if its possible you will absolutely see your brother again after this life that we know.

It seems unfair that the rest of the world keeps spinning when yours feels as though it has stopped. It sucks grasping for those minutes and seconds to stop, begging the sun to not rise the next day.....

Your brother was a handsome guy, and clearly a very loved man. It's a blessing really to be so distressed about the loss of his life, it signifies the love and the affect he had on you and those around him. He was very important to you, and that's beautiful.

Sending you my love and hugs -You can make it through this, even if today it's minute by minute. It's okay to grieve however comes natural to you.

-Alee

I feel with you!!!
I lost my mother around two and ahlf weeks ago, she was one of my best friends too.

And i missed to have a little bit of a last time with her, because since months i am in and out of hospital, can´t walk, because our german healthcare is soo wonderful(if you are rich).
For example, after an accident i got an extra upgrade i never asked for, an infect at my shinbone, where they forgot a broken part of a drill tip...

I am not even sad(i still can´t realize it, because my head is full of problems because of all that clinical stuff, my life goes down the drain slowly), but i am angry!

Angry that i couldn´t have the chance to spend some last time with my mother, just because i am not rich and don´t get a special treatment in a good hospital, with good doctors, because of that.

But now there is no more left i have to take care of, nobody has to be ashamed of the way i will live in future.
If, IF i will maybe get fit again, i know something:

I will never be not rich again, and a bit more criminal than i am now!
People can take a lot, but someday the end of the road has been reached!

a reply to: FamCore

That picture of your brother in front of that fountain is so beautiful.

He was clearly a bright and beautiful soul-- I can't imagine the loss you must feel.

Keep making your family proud, my friend.

ATS loves you FamCore!!!! GROUP HUG

a reply to: FamCore

My dear FemCore,

Treasure the time you had with him and the love you still hold for him. Our time here is often short and unpredictable but if you carry him in your heart, he is never truly gone.

They say time heals all wounds. IMHO that's not true but the pain does slowly, slowly fade.

Remember the good times, never the bad.

And be strong my friend, that's all we can ever do until our time comes.

I just heard my brother (with whom I do not have a particularly good relationship) has just been diagnosed with lung cancer and 3 brain tumours. Cherish the good times and never the bad.

Best wishes and I hope the hole in your life will be filled soon.

a reply to: FamCore

It's normal to feel the way you do, grieving is part of the process, grieving never ends, it only changes, so let out all your emotions and feel everything you need to. The void you feel from your brother's loss is only there so you can fill it back up with his spirit, making him a part of you forever. Hopefully you can find the light within the darkness and it gives you a new purpose in your journey. You will only become a better and stronger person from this.

You WILL meet again.

I'm grateful for the wisdom and encouragement I've read in these posts.. it's incredible to me that in the real world I don't seem to have a lot of friends (less than I can count on one hand), and even less that actually connect with me or support me regarding grief and loss. But my friends on ATS, you really are some of the greatest uplifters I know. I thank you for that.

a reply to: knowledgehunter0986

The void you feel from your brother's loss is only there so you can fill it back up with his spirit, making him apart of you forever.

that really resonated with me - I guess I hadn't viewed it as something that could be "filled back up", but when you put it like that, "fill it back up with his spirit, making him part of you forever", that gives me a grander perspective and gives some more meaning to the grieving process.

I'm going to write that down as a message to read when I need a reminder - it's an important message. Thank you so incredibly much my friend. I needed to hear that.

a reply to: FamCore

What a nice looking guy that seems to exude much warmth. When my sister T.C. passed, I had many days such as you are having right now. Something that helped me then (and still does even though it has been 10+ years) was to talk to her in my mind. Sometimes I would just go to her grave and sit there and cry...for me the tears were healing.

I always felt a little "lighter" after my conversations with her. Like somehow I knew She, and I, would both be okay. Never the same, but okay. Ask your brother to keep you wrapped in his arms. Ask him to let you knowHe and You will both be okay.

You are still in the early stages of grief and i know it hurts so bad. Be kind to yourself.
Blessings.
Missie

Nothing I can say to make you feel better mate but just know that someone across a vast ocean in a different country is thinking about you and hopes you make it through, which one day you will and that person is me.

a reply to: FamCore

Is there a place you both visited often? Be there and get a little present for yourself, I bet he loved cheesecake as well. Heck, who doesn't love cheesecake!
Just don't hang in there, let go and let him become a part of you. Maybe the most important part for a new outlook on life, reality and all that? I'm sure you already have a hunch.
Thanks for sharing! Had a rough time after the death of my father as well, a sudden suicide can really mess with your life.

in my entire life one thing I want more than anything is just to reunite with him one day, and I'm not sure if that will ever happen.

There's so much in this world we don't get, I'm pretty sure we'll all reunite again in some place beyond room and time. Here's a little food for thought:

The twins in Lake Tahoe:


I remember your thread. Must admit I was and even now moved by it. But I also look at this photo from the Ski lodge and chuckle. The photo appears new..... but the clothing confuses me as to what era it is.😊 so much loud personalities going on there. Makes me wish I was back home in Northern Nevada that day to meet you 2. Looks like a great time. The jump suit I get....
But the big green boots with that jacket😉.

In Chicago:

Think of him as your personal Angel.( Because He Is )..

This Award Winning Smile doing charity work is Angelic to the Core.



I miss my brother and he currently resides in Reno. So I'm not going to pretend that I know what you are feeling.
But you inspire me to call my brother again this week and tell him I love him. It was his birthday on the 16th. Come to think of it..... I'll call my other sister too.

FamCore! Not sure the meaning behind your screen name. But it is the Family Core.🤗

a reply to: FamCore

Hey FamCore,

Am sorry you're still grief stricken. Have you spoken with a decent counselor? You can't let go if you keep hangin' on.

Love ya,
Snarl

You know my thoughts of peace and prayers are with you, I've expressed that before. But please give yourself a break, this is so new. The pain never goes away, it just changes. You are his living memory, your laughter and tears. Face this head on to completely heal, I tried for years with drugs and booze. It only made things worse and hurt longer. His smile is amazing,and his soul is reflected in his eyes, the world lost a good one.....
May God bless his soul.....

I mean no offense, but I hope that writing this here helps you deal and cope in some way.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this loss!

a reply to: FamCore

Very sorry for your loss. There will be days like this, and nothing to do but get through them. Allow yourself to cry, as needed, and mourn, and even break something, if you feel a need. Lost my brother last year, due to his own bad life decisions, but that doesn't make it any easier. Really, lost him years before that, but that's a separate story.

You have some clearly wonderful memories of your brother, that you can enjoy, and cherish. Hold those close, and hang in there. No, nothing wrong at all with having some of his things around, to feel closer. No one is closer to us than a sibling, after all. That's a serious loss.

From his pics, he looks like someone who was full of life, very happy, and very loving.

Sorry you are living through this new and difficult experience. At some point we all lose a loved one and it is never easy but with time and distance the pain does fade but never goes away.
We slowly begin to fill our days and minds with our responsibilities and walk one foot in front of the other and just keep walking because there are only so many tears. That doesn't mean we won't have bad, sad days but they do become fewer.

It's hard to believe any of this if death is new to you. It's one of the hardest experiences you will ever endure but endure you must for your family, yourself, your friends. Unfortunately, not everyone will always understand your grief as we all experience it differently and let's face it - we have no answers.

Try to realize what you are feeling is universal - every person has or will be where you are at during their life.

You are not alone. It's a real, deep hurt - but please remember it does get better - only with time and hang in there and be real nice to your fragile self.

If you can't start pulling out of your misery in a year, please find a gentle soul, a minister, therapist, friend and talk about it - don't be ashamed for being human.

I love how much you love your brother...hang in there...and know that he would want you to live your own life fully and with no regrets. Looking forward. Carry him in your heart as you soldier on. Good luck on that test. (((hug)))

Sorry to hear of your loss. Always remember to be strong for your brother. You seem to be on a good path career wise, that is to be proud of under the stress of loss.

Always remember he is with you(depending on belief if not in spirit, but in memory). In helping to remember that is keep his memory alive. From your favorite photo memories to other favorites you both enjoyed. Looks like you have been doing alright with that.

Each and every one of us grieves in different stages, and those stages don't always complete the same. Giving yourself time helps, take a break until better then complete your tasks. Pain of loss can only ease with time, but that empty part will always be there, I've vowed to never kid myself of that, but yet understand how to cope where I am not hurting as much.

Also, you did well to post, talking helps, hope for you to find someone in person as well(was hard for me after a parent loss), so I understand the challenge, to talk to. Don't be afraid to seek counseling help, even if it's just to get what ever is on your mind about him or other things.

Many of us visit our loved ones in dreams, where we never want that dream to end. I hope those are to become peaceful for you.

a reply to: dreamingawake

thanks for your very kind reply - I do believe his spirit is with me every day, he makes me stronger and I'm so lucky to have that, but the other side to that coin, not having his physical presence and life here with me is forcing me to find a new "balance" or "center" I guess. One day I will see him again.. thanks again - very encouraging words. I know I've got to be strong for my brother and my family, and of course myself. "FamCore", that's my name because that's my mantra.

a reply to: Justso

death is certainly not new to me, I have lost a number of people tragically, including my best friend about 3 years ago. but yes, every loss is in itself so crushing and difficult to bear. I need to grow stronger for this new reality and honor my brother the best way I can. Thank you for the compassion and substance of your comment - it does help to hear.