I can't seem to get through 5 minutes today without buckling from emotional distraught. As some of you may know, my older brother passed away
unexpectedly (and due to doctor's errors) just before Christmas [if you're curious there is a thread about it, with photos and details in it
I think about him every day, I listen to his voicemails, I talk to him sometimes, and it's a way for me to still be connected to him. My
siblings and I ran (legs of) a marathon a few weeks ago in his honor, and we've had lots of difficult holidays (birthdays, Xmas, Mother's Day,
Father's Day, other family get-togethers) since then, and each of us has a big hole inside of us. The "feeling" just isn't the same, and
although we often do talk about my brother Ian, there is also that unspoken pain and glaring obviousness of his absence.
I'm living with his twin, in my brother Ian's room, and that's been difficult but also nice because I feel he is closer to me. I wear his clothes
(the ones that fit), and I try to hold on to every physical thing I can that was his. I know some of that isn't healthy, but losing him has
completely changed my view of the world and my place in it.
It's been six months since we lost him, and time is not making it any easier. I'm also currently studying for an insurance exam to get
certified in my state, and he was a successful professional in the insurance industry for over a decade. This wasn't something I sought out, but
rather an opportunity that presented itself and one that I am committed to.
I'm studying every day for this exam. I'm doing it for myself, but also for Ian.
But today I can't get sh*t done. I'm not sure what is bringing this on, but it's one of the harder days since we've lost him. I did see him in
a dream a few nights ago, although I can't remember exactly what we said to each other, just that it felt natural and peaceful getting to see him
(I've seen him in about 4 dreams now, but this was the first one in couple of months).
I don't know why I wanted to write this on ATS. I guess there are some people who understand me on here better than in my "real" life, and it's
good to connect with a lot of you.
I'm just so afraid, having a crisis of sorts, because deep down I do believe there is existence after this physical plane, but what if I never see
him again? I don't even want to think about that... in my entire life one thing I want more than anything is just to reunite with him one day,
and I'm not sure if that will ever happen.
I'm lost. I miss him, and I just want to talk to him, hear his voice, his jokes, and feel his hugs. The world is a cruel place (there is beauty in
it too, don't get me wrong), and I'm full of anger, worry about "what's next", and crippling grief.
Some days I don't know what I'm even doing in life (everyone has that), and this is one of those days. Missing my big brother and hoping he hears
me. Thanks for reading.
The twins in Lake Tahoe:
In Chicago, by a fountain, I love the light behind him and his arms open like that:
Ian at a Fundraiser a few days before he passed: