posted on Feb, 5 2005 @ 09:59 AM
Well, I think the vote is unanimous. The Matrix
was one of the most innovative, ground-breaking and visually stunning science-fiction movies of
However...The Matrix: Rehashed
and The Matrix: Convolutions
were utter piles of stinking, rotted, pus-oozing dog's bladder, served up
in glorious honey-coated CGI for our dining pleasure.
So here's your chance. You are a Wachowski Brother, or however you spell it. Tell us what you would have done differently. If you could re-write the
last two movies, how would they be different? What changes would you make?
Here's a few changes that would appear in my version of the second film:
- Neo, the underacted, mono-tonal, part-haired nerd of the World Saviour Club would NOT be The One. Rather, he would be the "John the
Baptist" figure that would make the coolest person in the film by a few light years, Morpheus, realize that after all his searching, he
himself was actually The One. Pre-pubescent girls throughout the world will still be happy that His Dorkness is an important and
non-threatening, sexually ambiguous hero-ish dude, while the rest of us with a brain get to see the only actor with the style and the acting ability
to carry off the role become The One.
Neo: "Morpheus. I'm not The One. I'm can't be what you want me to be."
Morpheus: "Hmm...yeah, you're probably right. Alright, can you get me a cup of coffee then? I've got work to do here."
- The poo-tastically lame CGI scene from the second film where Neo fights all the Smiths would be completely scrapped. Instead, a DNA sample would be
taken from Hugo Weaving to produce thousands of Hugo clones to act in the fight scene. The fights could be done more realistically as well because the
clones would be expendable and could be really beaten up, thrown around and impaled on street poles. Alternatively, the CGI Smiths would be replaced
with Marios from the Super Mario Brothers, since this would constitute a vast improvement in computer graphics and realism of movement. Neo himself
would be replaced by some character from Street Fighter or Mortal Combat, any will do, but preferably the Asian dude who keeps saying "Tigah
uppa-cut!" because that sounds cool and would add new depth to the film.
- The pseudo-philosophical, meaningless clap-trap about choice and other brain-farts that The Oracle spouts, proving that she actually has about as
much wisdom to impart as the character of "Mongo" in Blazing Saddles, would be binned. Instead she would recite, verbatim, George W. Bush's
State of the Union addresses, which everybody knows are brimming with words of enlightenment for us all.
- The French dude with the red tie and shirt would be replaced by a REAL FRENCHMAN with a REAL FRENCH ACCENT. As an added bonus, French actors are
also cheap and are known to surrender easily to any offer. The "orgasmic cake" scene would be extended and much raunchier versions would be
available in the Director's Cut Edition DVD. A spin-off, X-rated series featuring various actresses and different varieties of fruit and vegetables
would also be created.
- The not-French French dude's girlfriend, instead of asking to kiss Neo, would ask to kiss Trinity and Trinity would fall in love with her. Again,
more TV series spin-offs from this one, with titles like "Trinity" Means Three-Way.
- The pathetically scripted, stupendously uninspiring speech that Morpheus gives to the dancing crowd in Zion would be trashed. Instead, Morpheus
would be an awesome trance DJ, with the combined powers of Paul Oakenfield and John Digweed times ten, who would rip it up for the crowd while wearing
.phones and bobbing his . without saying another silly, vomit-inducing word
- The Chinese actor who plays The Oracle's guardian, although having done an admittedly fantastic job, would be replaced by Jet Li, who would then
proceed to kick Neo's butt from here to Tiananmen Square. It is at about this stage that Neo would realize he isn't The One, and that white guys
can't beat Asian guys at martial arts.
- The stupendously long and brain-meltingly dull medieval weapons fight-scene would be cut down to about 17 seconds after Neo remembers "there is
no scimitar" and summons up an M1 Abram tank with pure will, crushing all of the hapless foes under it's tracks, including the two dreadlocked,
cockney-accented albinos since you can't phase through depleted-uranium tank armor.
So what would your Matrix Redux be like?
[edit on 2005/2/5 by wecomeinpeace]