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You Can Re-write The Matrix 2 & 3

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posted on Feb, 5 2005 @ 09:59 AM
Well, I think the vote is unanimous. The Matrix was one of the most innovative, ground-breaking and visually stunning science-fiction movies of our time.

However...The Matrix: Rehashed and The Matrix: Convolutions were utter piles of stinking, rotted, pus-oozing dog's bladder, served up in glorious honey-coated CGI for our dining pleasure.

So here's your chance. You are a Wachowski Brother, or however you spell it. Tell us what you would have done differently. If you could re-write the last two movies, how would they be different? What changes would you make?

Here's a few changes that would appear in my version of the second film:

  • Neo, the underacted, mono-tonal, part-haired nerd of the World Saviour Club would NOT be The One. Rather, he would be the "John the Baptist" figure that would make the coolest person in the film by a few light years, Morpheus, realize that after all his searching, he himself was actually The One. Pre-pubescent girls throughout the world will still be happy that His Dorkness is an important and non-threatening, sexually ambiguous hero-ish dude, while the rest of us with a brain get to see the only actor with the style and the acting ability to carry off the role become The One.

    Neo: "Morpheus. I'm not The One. I'm can't be what you want me to be."
    Morpheus: "Hmm...yeah, you're probably right. Alright, can you get me a cup of coffee then? I've got work to do here."

  • The poo-tastically lame CGI scene from the second film where Neo fights all the Smiths would be completely scrapped. Instead, a DNA sample would be taken from Hugo Weaving to produce thousands of Hugo clones to act in the fight scene. The fights could be done more realistically as well because the clones would be expendable and could be really beaten up, thrown around and impaled on street poles. Alternatively, the CGI Smiths would be replaced with Marios from the Super Mario Brothers, since this would constitute a vast improvement in computer graphics and realism of movement. Neo himself would be replaced by some character from Street Fighter or Mortal Combat, any will do, but preferably the Asian dude who keeps saying "Tigah uppa-cut!" because that sounds cool and would add new depth to the film.

  • The pseudo-philosophical, meaningless clap-trap about choice and other brain-farts that The Oracle spouts, proving that she actually has about as much wisdom to impart as the character of "Mongo" in Blazing Saddles, would be binned. Instead she would recite, verbatim, George W. Bush's State of the Union addresses, which everybody knows are brimming with words of enlightenment for us all.

  • The French dude with the red tie and shirt would be replaced by a REAL FRENCHMAN with a REAL FRENCH ACCENT. As an added bonus, French actors are also cheap and are known to surrender easily to any offer. The "orgasmic cake" scene would be extended and much raunchier versions would be available in the Director's Cut Edition DVD. A spin-off, X-rated series featuring various actresses and different varieties of fruit and vegetables would also be created.

  • The not-French French dude's girlfriend, instead of asking to kiss Neo, would ask to kiss Trinity and Trinity would fall in love with her. Again, more TV series spin-offs from this one, with titles like "Trinity" Means Three-Way.

  • The pathetically scripted, stupendously uninspiring speech that Morpheus gives to the dancing crowd in Zion would be trashed. Instead, Morpheus would be an awesome trance DJ, with the combined powers of Paul Oakenfield and John Digweed times ten, who would rip it up for the crowd while wearing headphones and bobbing his head without saying another silly, vomit-inducing word

  • The Chinese actor who plays The Oracle's guardian, although having done an admittedly fantastic job, would be replaced by Jet Li, who would then proceed to kick Neo's butt from here to Tiananmen Square. It is at about this stage that Neo would realize he isn't The One, and that white guys can't beat Asian guys at martial arts.

  • The stupendously long and brain-meltingly dull medieval weapons fight-scene would be cut down to about 17 seconds after Neo remembers "there is no scimitar" and summons up an M1 Abram tank with pure will, crushing all of the hapless foes under it's tracks, including the two dreadlocked, cockney-accented albinos since you can't phase through depleted-uranium tank armor.

So what would your Matrix Redux be like?

[edit on 2005/2/5 by wecomeinpeace]

posted on Feb, 5 2005 @ 08:56 PM
i agree that the matrix was ground breaking but i don't agree with you on the 2nd and 3rd movies. i found them to be interesting....if you think about it, it was like the 2nd coming of jesus.....neo being jesus...and him dying to sacrafice.....i loved it.....agreed it was a little dragged out and at times dull....but i thought the movies made you think about things long after you left the theatre and to me that was awesome. just my opinion.

posted on Feb, 5 2005 @ 09:07 PM
That's all pretty funny Wecomeinpeace.

But I'm still busy writing 7 more satisfying endings to the movie SE7EN, so I can't play just yet.

posted on Feb, 6 2005 @ 01:24 AM
I still think that 'Return of the Jedi' should have ended with Luke joining Vader, bumping off the Emperor and setting up 'Vader & Son Galactic pest control - Ewoks our speciality'

posted on Feb, 6 2005 @ 01:26 AM

Originally posted by wecomeinpeace
The Matrix: Rehashed and The Matrix: Convolutions were utter piles of stinking, rotted, pus-oozing dog's bladder

You're not related to Edmund Blackadder are you by any chance ?

Or me ?


posted on Feb, 6 2005 @ 07:49 PM
LMFAO wecomeinpeace.

That was one fo the funniest things I read in a while. Made me laugh out loud, which at 01:50 when everyone else is trying to sleep did not win me any friends.



posted on Feb, 6 2005 @ 08:38 PM
this may be a little off topic but:

can someone explain the ending of matrix 3 to me???

i am not a huge fan but i want to know what the hell happined...

so is neo dead or alive???

will the peace treaty last???

will there be a matrix 4???


posted on Feb, 8 2005 @ 01:37 AM
I f i were to re-write the Matrix i would erase it!!

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