Cats, Creation, and the Kardashians
“This has to stop.”
And it did, mainly because the speaker had traipsed onto
the keyboard then sprawled there and stared at me with a
barely concealed look of distain.
Not my cat, but a friends that I had agreed to cat-sit(?) for
a week. I should have considered the ramifications rather
than immediately saying yes to the request.
I do not like being told what to do for a whole week:
Meow (human get me food). Meow (human, empty
litter box). And then there was the occasional nip on
the hand (human, stop stroking my glorious fur).
Mewthuselah. That was the felines name. ‘Ha ha’ I said
when my friend introduced us, ‘that’s clever’, as if I’d never
heard similar, like Clawdia, or Lucifurr. Lucifurr- okay, that
one wasn’t bad.
At any rate, Mewthuselah (or Mew as she will be referred
to from here on) was an aged cat, her black and white fur
unkempt and bedraggled except for several bald patches
that were common to extremely old cats.
“Pardon me?” I said to Mew. “You can talk?”
Mew: “More surprising, you can talk!”
I rubbed an eye. I had been awake for at least an hour, I
think. One hard pinch confirmed I was not dreaming. Meds
might be the next suspect, only I wasn’t on any. Neither
had I been drinking or partaking of mind altering
Perhaps I’d gone mad, I decided, and there was only one
way to deal with such an event- embrace it.
“Of course I can talk,” I said, “but what could we possibly
discuss? You’re just a cat!”
“I am Mewthuselah,” Mew hissed. “I have been since the
very beginning, and will be so until the end of all things.”
That seemed unlikely, I thought. “If that’s so, then you
know the answer to one of the greatest mysteries that
we humans have wrestled with-”
“Yes, yes,” Mew chattered. “The world is flat. Mostly.
Consider it very litterbox-like. The raised edges serve
to keep the turds inside.” She narrowed her eyes as if
challenging me to refute the claim.
And I would have, but that wasn’t the question I had in
mind, and I wanted to clarify before my apparent delirium
dissipated. “That was rude, but no. What I meant was
the reason for our being here at all. Our creation.”
“Oh, that.” Mew chattered as she looked away. “A horribly
boring story, but I’ll do a quick recap considering the circum-
I drew a sharp breath. Held it. If ever there was a being
from which to glean a universal secret, a talking cat surely
Mew: “The celestial animals got together, took a big poop,
and tada! There your kind came into being.”
Not what I was expecting. I rolled my eyes and made a
move to disengage the offensive feline from the keyboard.
“Alright,” Mew hissed. “I’ll tell you the longer version, but
you’d better learn something from it:
The celestial animals marvelled at their latest creation;
a world of green and blue, lush with vegetation, and life
that mirrored their own greatness.
But such a thing cannot last forever. Where there is
perfection, there is insurrection. The newly created
beasts fought amongst each other; and the world
descended into predation. The most powerful even
raised their eyes, and desires, to the wonders of the
heavens. Such an effrontery could not be allowed to
In the heavenly council chamber, did the celestial animals
meet, to discuss a possible solution: create a new beast-
one that shall share various animal traits, with the goal
of mediating between those in constant strife below.”
Mew paused, licked a paw, then said, “For this next bit,
I will refer to each celestial animal by their type most
familiar to you:
Cat was the first to speak: “We shall bestow upon this
new creature a glorious coat of fur, so that it may survive
and thrive every climate where our creations inhabit.”
Dog: Instill in them the ability to discern the faintest
of scents, so they may smell the fear of those most in
Bat: gift them with the sense of echolocation so they may
be as effective in the dark as they are the light.
Horse: “Make them run as the wind, for they cannot be
of assistance if they only plod from place to place.
Monkey: “Give them opposable thumbs and toes, so as to
be able to perform the array of tasks asked of them.”
Bird: “They shall have the power of speech and mimicry,
so they may easily communicate amongst themselves how
to serve our needs best.”
There are many in the celestial kingdom, and soon the meeting
descended into chaos:
Rat: “I want them to hoard. And make cheese.”
Pig: “I want them to wallow...”
Rabbit: “And mate profusely...”
Before long, the Cat bade them to stop. “I am sensing an
issue. We cannot create such a being, for it shall end up
so powerful it will not be long before it surpasses us all.”
This was true. The council room fell silent.
Monkey: “I offer my kind’s form, and make the first concession-
instead of four opposable digits, they shall have only two. As
for the other suggestions, I promise to temper them in similar
The other celestials considered the offer- Monkey was new to
the heavens, but had proven himself quite innovative with his
creations. They gave their consent.
So it was on that day, that Man was created, in the image of
the simian's, and greatly diminished. Man had only silly patches
of hair, the skin of a pig, sight of a bat, appetite of a rat...
All things told, it was a pitiful creature that would struggle
each day just to survive. The celestial animals agreed, it
was perfect. They could not remain gods unless the world was
filled with mediocrity...”
I interrupted. “I find your story demeaning and nonsensical.”
Mew: “Doesn’t matter what you think. Did you learn anything
“Yes.” I snapped. “Cats are jerks.”
A paw lashed out, slashed my hand in the way only a cat can-
a small scratch that stung like the dickens.
Mew: “No. The lesson is- do not create one which shall be
greater than yourself. Like I said when I first laid here:
This must stop.”
Now, I’m not the sharpest spoon in the drawer, so it took a
bit for me to figure it out, but eventually it dawned on me:
“You mean artificial intelligence?”
“Ah, good little monkey man,” Mew purred, though it kind of
came across as an insult. “I leave you to take care of it.
I’m due for a nap.”
While Mew found herself a place on the cat tree, I fumed.
There had to be a suitable insult to get back at the cranky
feline. “You stupid cats. You don’t even do anything useful.
You just lay around all day sleeping, demand us to feed you.
What good are you?”
Mew raised her head, narrowed her eyes and spat, “You humans
support the Kardashians, and what do they do? Who’s stupid