a reply to: Peeple
In 1990 I sat in meditation determined to die before moving in classic zen posture thumbs lightly touching as if a tiny egg was sitting there not too
light or it will drop and not firm or it'll crack; and also two eggs under each armpit that cannot fall out nor be allowed to crack in too close
together; in the same manner.
I was inspired by vipassana "wisdom style" in this meditation "manual" that listed most of them( I have a tattoo on my left arm; inspired of that book
cover). The first practice; I used a samadhi style for one pointedness; the method is: try to hang onto the number 1(repeating it over and over... As
soon as the mind moved off 1; let go and go to number 2 etc. once up to number 10... keep going and going until the number 1 cannot be lost and held
as a single grasp... while keeping the three "eggs" in proper with the body. Eventually; it turned into an argument after the "one" was being held
onto... instead of just letting go; the "me" "myself" and "I". Got into an argument; perhaps it was over the non existent eggs in mind holding one or
the other three eggs held "in body" that started the argument.
So it was a back and forth or who are you and who am I blah blah blah of duality; back and forth like two heads rocking one cradle... shut up no you
shut up back and forth, eventually; a "third" out of nowhere said "Both of you shut up" at that moment I shot into bliss/rapture for an incalculable
amount of time; broken only by the "Babba Yaga" of "the hen house" to yell "my" name. and I fell... back into stupid service.(see how those places
work Japanese style in the anime Spirited Away)
I was caught by the "Name and Form" link from the Bhava Chakra... back into slavery to this; horrid families service yet again. Mad of course; that a
chore was delivered spoiling that state; yet grasping hate; I became the snake that devoured the eggs then back into the yin/yang spiral yet again to
grasp delusion by allowing ignorance to grasp "me" allowing a name to command what was "formless" was the issue as there was no me and no nothing; but
pure happiness and bliss; as all of the flowers or chakras spun and opened in kundalini.
Of course being some sort of fool; I walked around as if i "knew" something other than drowning in that dead pool of dried blood as a birth already
achieved once from that stupid egg clutch and clutcher. So like a good stubborn mule with some ass trying to wear a purple crown and force more stupid
all over me; he had the ideas of no separation like some damned elemental thinking he can be pure through all the impurity dished over time.
Anyway; all of those lies heaped onto me as my burden as I kept shrugged over and over the hate grew; yet headless and heedless always denied it.
So after wasting many years chasing a "dragon" in the material world to see if anything came close to that bliss/rapture? My journey was well out of
the gate... of course grasping at so much ignorance thinking I knew something; I was learning from others eggs or children. Though, I could not "hear"
being so full of myself; and trying to fill oh so many cups without producing... good thing because I was just an ignorant pig eating at a trough when
allowed into the gate of another yagas house.
Finally I started to learn to listen; and the advice was sort of "can you hear yourself"? So I started to listen to "my" own words as they were
spoken... I realized those were not my words but feeling based words; like the stupid song "hooked on a feeling" and like some ol alley cat
jonsing/craving for any "fix" to feel good.
Eventually; that learning to hear; did turn into listening... then hate started bubbling; racist terms arising... distraught I went to the temple and
asked for advice; the abbot said laughing and bowing time and time again shaking his head "impermanence" over and over. At that moment I realized I
was a fire and cutting my own forrest down to keep it going... so I ceased being the house holder; of the rote grasping of impermanence as a concept
and finally; I actually KNEW something!!! but it was just that one thing... the racist terms etc were easily cut off as I was no longer building the
house; just trying to live a normal life that i was never given.
Even when making one; Babba and her hen house full of foxes and possums would lure this "me" back in... promising ease when THAT was never the
So I started looking at ease; and I found it always ENDS at another's expectations; of "drop that egg mister!" so I did; and started focusing on; my
future alone; and happiness followed suit. Then out of nowhere; and egg holder showed up; and struck with poison yet it was and still is a good
poison... as I finally let go of the ear grasping, the eye grasping, nose grasping, tongue grasping, and sensual contact grasping and see there is
Oh not in or by others though; as they are out of their minds; trying to constantly rule a form as their own; in that stupid animist flow of poison...
avoiding five wombs of birth I stepped out of the realm of death; oh it still occurs all the time; as Mrs/Miss Lillith and her Lil can tell/tail
you... one thousand beautiful one's made and killed from the Deva realm so two stupids a god/titan can fight over that original egg.
Yet another of the seeming trollions of names this "no self" has been called since then; all keep getting trapped in that same stupid link that
ensnared me; and down the rabbit hole they go searching for "Alice" easier to not wonder the land to always be honest. I am also not concerned about
"sea/see" men either as they are more like "boys" thinking themselves too/two men.
Time being a concept the same as thought; all emphimerial passes on and through; ignorance of and too form; try to at as a self and have two other to
witness their own point as if it wasn't just something stupid on the end of their own finger.
Why? Because still no "hearing" and when there is clear seeing? Abused? IT NEVER gets better in that continuing downward spiral "thinking" they are
above the ground instead of shed and dead below it millions of times... why? Oh little hungry ghost onced wanted to take his fathers place thinking it
was a gang bang; opps father thought lets have a child, then little hungry ghost up his ass waiting flew right on through and into a womb realm of a
babba yagas house to learn playdough and Plato... then get the hell out. That's the door to the human realm... out of balance of "good" men? SHE
allows a female birth directly form the head of "big momma's house" it is definitely nothing to crone or crow about... as that first link?
Ignorance; you can deny it or be it; but you always end up stuffing yourself as or with stupid as soon as you enter a sense gate...
Being a gateless gate? All the sheep do is continue to jump it in their sleep. I ceased to mentally teach the way or the dhamma as too many always try
to twist off oh so many umbilical cords; to keep birthing their own ignorance over and over. Some chew through those cords; only to end up in yet
KAMMA is each moment; soon enough they will stop unwrapping the present; and be an actual gift instead of a continuing curse. Fell into enough hells
just by sitting hermit style letting it all fold and wash over... kamma for me ceased seemed the entire earth went through a dark night...
on 9-6-2018 by BEBOG because: weird an addition turned quoted... such much for metta/dana