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originally posted by: KellyPrettyBear
The strangest thing to happen to me in over 40 years happened to me today.
Now that's sayin' somethin'.
I was talking to a friend on the phone today, and he called me on the carpet
for some of my bad behavior. He was right, so I apologized. I always apologize.
I'm an expert at it. But I'm so good at apologizing, that I don't always LEARN
anything from my bad behavior and I keep justifying it.
Later today, I let myself show incredible pettiness and weakness to a friend on
ATS in an IM. I was complaining how I could have told so and so, about so and so
over 40 years ago... and saved them a lot of work.. but of course actually
contacting any of these fancy research institutes is basically impossible..
you can call.. you can write.. you can fax.. you can email.. it don't matter..
they can be 3x as "fringe as you are".. but if you re not their EXACT sort of
Fringe, and a dues paying member who acknowledges their dominance..
they won't talk to you.. unless they think you are rich and want to give them
money.. that always works.. so I made an ass out of myself.
Oh.. I've made an ass out of myself many times in life.. I seem to do it almost
daily.. at least once.. but I've been proud of it.. it's been my "edge".. my
armor... that protected me from death when I was deeply abused as a child..
and young adult.. and adult.
well anyway.. I'm not sure anyone cares that much about such a human post
from me.. but to cut to the quick.. something amazing happened!
I saw this little knot of frustration, pain and anger inside of me for a moment..
then I saw it melt away.
I'd been carrying that since I can remember.. I was quite aware of it..
So now I'm all goddam touchy feely and shid. I used to play this dumb little
video game sometimes.. well I don't want to. Virtual entities are needlessly
hurt in it.
i don't feel like arguing with anyone.
I don't feel like proving anything.
I don't particularly feel like researching anything.
That one little knot... so powerful... so empty and ridiculous..
I guess I'm glad that it dissolved...
Oh.. there might be more in there somewhere.. but I feel like a different person..
Well of course I am.. that's how it works for living things...
I'll be someone different tomorrow.. I'll cross that bridge when I cross it.
Not worth thinking about. That's how it always was anyway.. but maybe
i'll be less of a childish but head.