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The Shed 16

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posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 01:49 PM
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Today I'm going to open my mind for all to see how the death of my wife has affected me. As I posted already, The American Cancer Society has a good page on grief/depression and it helps me to explain myself better.

www.cancer.org...

Symptoms of major depression not explained by normal bereavement may include:

Constant thoughts of being worthless or hopeless
I fight these thoughts every day.

Ongoing thoughts of death or suicide (other than thoughts that they would be better off dead or should have died with their loved one)
Due to ATS T&C I cannot share my on going thoughts here.

Unable to perform day-to-day activities
Yes and no to this. Recently I've been doing the dishes and cooking dinner as my mom can no longer do so.
As far as other daily activities, I usually wait till the last minute to do laundry or pick up trash, if I ever get around to it all.


Intense guilt over things done or not done at the time of the loved one’s death
As my wife was very much dead when I found her I saw no need to preform cpr on her. This still bothers me that I didn't even try.

Delusions (beliefs that are not true)
This occured more in the early stages of my loss. That of things will be okay, I will have a source of income of some sort, and one of the women friends I have/had will let me move in with them.

Hallucinations (hearing voices or seeing things that aren’t there), except for “visions” in which the person briefly hears or sees the deceased
During the first month of her death I did "see" her once sitting in bed next to me. She was there in lan energy sort of form. Meaning that I knew it was her but she wasn't ther 100%. All she said was something like, I'm sorry fo what happened and that I'm not all the way here with you.
While she was alive I would here her calling my name from the bedroom needing medication or anything else. It took me about a month to stop hearing my name being called but that is a normal grief thing.


Slower body responses and reactions
This is who I am anyway, never in a hurry to do anything.

Extreme weight loss
Nope, my diet, after her death was pizza, taco salads, and icecream, my comfort foods. I've only lost weight this year after my heart attack around the anniverary of her death.

This ends part one. The next part deals with "complicated grief".




posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 01:49 PM
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a reply to: LucidWarrior


Things are well.







posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 02:02 PM
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a reply to: LookingForABetterLife

Im half of those without losing anyone XD



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 02:04 PM
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a reply to: LookingForABetterLife

You certainly aren't worthless Blue. I wish that words alone could change things and help you. I wish things were easier for you and for so many others who are dealing with overwhelming issues.


I stared at the screen a while trying to think of some lovely response to make you smile, to take away some of your pain, but instead I sit here feeling helpless. HUGS!!!!!!!!



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 02:06 PM
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a reply to: LucidWarrior

Hugs for you too Lucid!



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 02:19 PM
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Complicated grief

If normal mourning does not occur, or if the mourning goes on for a long time without any progress, it’s called “complicated grief” or “unresolved grief.”

Continued disbelief in the death of the loved one, or emotional numbness over the loss
As I have said many times, neither of us had any plans of dying anytime soon. We were making plans to move on from where we were to someplace we would be happier in living. Death is something that no one is every taught how to deal with as the world is all about buy, buy, buy, and be happy. Emotionally I feel like a stick stuck in the mud with no place to go.

Feeling preoccupied with the loved one or how they died
She is always on my mind and I feel like kicking myself in the back of my head to wish things were different.

Intense sorrow and emotional pain, sometimes including bitterness or anger
There was a scene in a Netflix series showing a man crying over the murder of his daughter. I was such an intense scene that I wish I could find it as I felt like that after my wife died. I cry, I get hateful, I'm bitter over what happened and not having life insurance.

Unable to enjoy good memories about the loved one
Any memories, good or bad result in me feeling sad and/or crying.

Wishing to die to be with the loved one
Due to ATS T&C I cannont share my thoughts here.

Excessively avoiding reminders of their loss
I don't think that I was excessive in avoiding things that reminded me of my wife. Her taste was different from mine for the most part so I've gotten mostly over this.

Continuous yearning and longing for the deceased
Yes, there is always something going on that I would like to share with her.


Feeling alone, detached from others, or distrustful of others since the death

This is VERY much a problem for me that I am getting no help with.

Trouble pursuing interests or planning for the future after the death of the loved one
I erased this part in error. I don't know what if anything my future will be. It's one that I can't plan for.

Feeling that life is meaningless or empty without the loved one
I thought my wife was the meaning of life for me. Taking that away, I am nothing.

Loss of identity or purpose in life, feeling like part of themselves died with the loved one
Half my heart and soul died the day my wife died. I'm without a future. I've tried to better myself but have failed each time. I'm at lost as to why I'm still here.

Getting a drink then I'll comment on "coping with loss".



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 02:26 PM
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To Blue, Lucid and all the beautiful souls who live in this wondrous realm.

I can promise to be here, to listen and understand. I can promise to hold your hand and try to walk you away from the darkness and pain. Sometimes the light is hidden and buried and seems so very far away, but it is there. Hold on to my friendship, to my presence and know that I am here, know that others are here and you are never ever truly all alone.

So many of you have been here for me when I forgot what it was like to smile and laugh or feel much of anything at all except pain and sorrow. I have never forgotten that and I never will.

It is all of us coming together with beautiful hearts filled with love that helps guide us back to the light of hope. It is all of us together fighting like the warriors that we are through hardships, chaos and turmoil. I am so very proud of this sacred place and the people that it holds. I am proud of all of you for being who are.

I will laugh with you and cry with you and feel your spirit dancing next to mine.






edit on 1-7-2017 by Night Star because: (no reason given)



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 02:35 PM
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a reply to: LookingForABetterLife

You are still here for a reason Blue. It may not be clear to you right now, but believe that there is.
Your wife is a part of you and always will be. When something touches your life and heart so deeply, it is never forgotten. It's ok to cry. It's ok to hold on to memories and be present in your pain and sorrow. Just remember that she would want you to also go on living and have a life.

You are not without a future Blue. The future is there waiting for you. You never know what tomorrow will bring and it can bring good things.



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 02:55 PM
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Coping with loss
If you or someone you know has lost a loved one, the following tips may help you cope with the loss:
Please note that my replies are my thoughts on coping not necessarily proper ways of dealing with anything.

Let yourself feel the pain and all the other emotions, too. Don’t tell yourself how to feel or let others tell you how you should feel.
That is what ticks me off about family and others that THINK they can tell me to just get over it and such.
Until they have experienced loss of a spouse they have no right to tell me what to do.


Be patient with the process. Don’t pressure yourself with expectations. Accept that you need to experience your pain, your emotions, and your own way of healing − all in your own time. Don’t judge your emotions or compare yourself to others.
I wish others in my life would understand this and let me heal MY WAY, not their stupid way.

Remember that no one else can tell you how you should mourn or when to stop.
So true. The conflict that I am having is that having a life and mourning do not go together. I long for a life outside of this stupid house but I can't get that while I mourn. It's like waiting for your cancer to get better so that you can get back to living

Acknowledge your feelings, even the ones you don’t like. Let yourself cry. You need to do both for healing.
I do all of the above. I wish others in my life could understand this.

Get support. Talk about your loss, your memories, and your experience of the life and death of your loved one. Don’t think you are protecting your family and friends by not expressing your sadness. Ask others for what you need. Find and talk to others who have lost a loved one.
My friends here at the Shed are just about all the support that I have. I'll explain more further down this page.

Try to maintain your normal lifestyle. Don’t make any major life changes (for example, moving, changing jobs, changing important relationships) during the first year of bereavement. This will let you keep your roots and some sense of security.
I was forced to move away from my town and the state that I had lived in for about 16 years because of her death. This just added to the confusion. I lost most of my belongings, the best therapist that I've ever had, and life in a small city where I had some friends and some family. There is no normal in my lifestyle.

Take care of yourself. Eat well and exercise. Physical activity is a good way to release tension. Allow yourself physical pleasures that help you renew yourself, like hot baths, naps, and favorite foods.
I avoid exercise as this is something my dad wants me to do in front of him. I try to eat well most of the time. I don't take naps as I should. I don't think that I have taken a shower in three weeks either.

Avoid drinking too much alcohol or using other drugs. This can harm your body as well as dull your emotions. It’s also likely to slow your recovery and may cause new problems.
I can't drink or smoke around my parents anyway. I'll go to Hell if I do. I do wish there was a drug that could clear my mind of what thoughts are blocking my thinking.

Forgive yourself for all the things you did or didn’t say or do. Compassion and forgiveness for yourself and others is important in healing.
I don't know what to say here. Any answer here would take up too many pages.

Give yourself a break from grief. You must work through it, but you don’t need to focus on grief all the time. Find distractions like going to a movie, dinner, or a ball game; reading a good book; listening to music; or getting a massage or manicure.
Most of what I do is sit in front of this laptop. I'd like to go out into the real world but that for the most part requires money and permission from my dad to use one of his three cars.

Prepare for holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries knowing that strong feelings may come back. Decide if you want to keep certain traditions or create new ones. Plan in advance how you want to spend your time and with whom. Do something to honor the memory of your loved one.
Holidays are hell for me. Mother's day is the worse day as that is when my wife's headstone was placed on her grave. Further discussion, for the most part, would require its own thread.

Join a bereavement support group. Other people can encourage, guide, and comfort you. They can also offer practical advice and information, and help you feel less alone. If you can’t find a group near you, online groups may be helpful.
The only group close to me is one that I'm not interested in joining as what they discuss is something I don't care for. The only other group meets too far away.

When you feel ready, do something creative. Some options include:
Write a letter to the person who died to say everything you wish you could say to them.
Start keeping a journal.
Make a scrapbook.
Paint pictures.
Plant flowers or trees.
Involve yourself in a cause or activity that the deceased loved.
It takes a lot of motivation for me to want to do anything like this.

I need more help than I am getting to deal with wife's death but I don't have many options without a car to count on.



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 02:58 PM
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a reply to: LookingForABetterLife

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Luke.
You mentioned the Cancer website, may I ask - was your loss due to cancer or a related condition?

I've lost my brother, my mum & dad over the years.
(My Brother was lost due to an accident, but mum & dad had cancer-related conditions.)
My big sister has just come through a cancer operation too.

We're here buddy, keep talking if it helps.

G



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 03:03 PM
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a reply to: Gordi The Drummer

No cancer for her Gordi. I was researching an ATS thread about hearing voices when I found the AMS website.



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 03:08 PM
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a reply to: Gordi The Drummer

Please keep us posted on your Sister Gordi.



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 03:22 PM
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@Luke - ah ok thanks.

@Night - I saw sis socially today.
She's doing quite good. (She has MS too, and that's just beginning to make her life... difficult, but she has a great attitude towards it all.) We shared some home-made soup, sandwiches, home-made Scones!!! YUM! and Gin-Cake, Chocolate Blondie/Brownies and a few other treats with my cousins and a couple of old Aunties & Uncles!
It was great.
Gx



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 03:27 PM
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a reply to: Gordi The Drummer

Sounds like a wonderful gathering Gordi!
Any brownies left?



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 03:36 PM
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originally posted by: Night Star
a reply to: Gordi The Drummer

Sounds like a wonderful gathering Gordi!
Any brownies left?


Why YES there are!!!
Callum Made Them!!
and they are deeeelish!



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 05:51 PM
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a reply to: Gordi The Drummer

Leave one or two for me in the kitchen.



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 07:17 PM
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originally posted by: Night Star


OMG that's nightmare fuel! I would NOT wsnt those things chasing me



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 07:21 PM
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a reply to: LucidWarrior

But...but, they're happy little flowers. Look, they're even smiling.



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 08:35 PM
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originally posted by: Gordi The Drummer
So you are being eloquent, which in it self is grand, in a scant manner.
Your derivation of it sounds VERY LIKELY to me, because it means something along the lines of...
Getting your point across in very few words. (Getting straight to the point without waffling on and on and...)
You just waffled, Ha Ha
I salute you!

G

That's what I said. I guessed it. Yeah. It wasn't even in my old faithful Webster, I love that thing.
I had to dig through words to find a plausible conjunction.
That was fun.
Words are fun, all most as enticing as reading body language or trying to understand non-human communication. The red in Gordis' text are my inserts.



posted on Jul, 1 2017 @ 08:50 PM
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originally posted by: Night Star
a reply to: LookingForABetterLife

You are still here for a reason Blue. It may not be clear to you right now, but believe that there is.
Your wife is a part of you and always will be. When something touches your life and heart so deeply, it is never forgotten. It's ok to cry. It's ok to hold on to memories and be present in your pain and sorrow. Just remember that she would want you to also go on living and have a life.

You are not without a future Blue. The future is there waiting for you. You never know what tomorrow will bring and it can bring good things.



Thank you Night. It's getting tiresome to have to wait for things to get better. I want this boring chapter of my story to be over with so that I can start living again and get out of this part of the country.




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