posted on Oct, 13 2017 @ 05:27 AM
I don't know what everyone means when they say "love". It seems everyone has a different idea of what feeling/experience is love.
I consider it a deep knowing and appreciation for someone, which creates empathy. What the other feels, you also feel.
If you tend towards happiness, then you also feel driven towards happiness for the other.
If my husband is unhappy with me, I do not want to stay with him because I feel it too. It becomes an inner conflict I need to resolve to feel
I suspect that that empathy needs to be nurtured in order to retain it. Deep knowledge and awareness of each other and each others internal workings
needs to be kept up, otherwise you drift apart, become less aware of each others feelings, and the relationship crumbles.
Talking to each other is essential to nurturing that empathy. Sometimes, with all the responsibilities and activities people get caught up in with
having a family and a home, the communication gets neglected. The beginning of the end.
I sometimes think the idea that only a marriage for life is a successful marriage is false. Perhaps that marriage has fulfilled all that they wanted
out of it. The partnership has been a success and is done.
I don't know. I'm just saying that when I speak in depth to some divorcees, it sounds to me like love is there, but the marriage simply came to it's
point of fulfillment and natural ending. It could be celebrated then!
-Especially people who married with the intent of creating a family. That was the goal, the goal was fulfilled, on to the next adventure. This
relationship wasn't made for, created for, other endeavors.
The expectation that a marriage can only be successful if it goes until death of both participants may simply be false.
A lot of times too, I hear this idea that the partners undertook the marriage with the intent of changing who that person was into something else. I
am dubious of this excuse. EVEN if two people marry under such circumstances, they have to both be aware and willing- meaning the target of the
intended changes wanted to become different, and saw their partner as an aid in that endeavor, or an outside pressure to motivate and push
It might be copping out to then point a finger and say the partner was evil because they wanted to change you.
I don't know why my marriage has lasted almost 30 years, I had no expectations consciously. I didn't say "until death do we part" (I wrote my own
vows) because that just sounded terribly unrealistic to me. I was thinking more like until divorce do we part!
I had a talk with him in depth last night, and I asked him a very serious question - why are you still with me?
I hear him say I am hard to follow, because I change careers every couple of years, take on new hobbies and interests, my feelings about things
change..... basically it sounded worse than that. It sounded like life with me is hell, really. It was pretty depressing. I won't go into all the
details. But it followed the oft-repeated idea that women are irrational, illogical, impossible to live with, a pain in the butt basically.
All I could say is that I see nothing more illogical and irrational than to state ones terrible unhappiness with someone, while also making effort to
say this in a way which will please her and make her stay. WHY would you make any effort to stay in a situation which is a source of unhappiness???
God, my irrational nature had the desire to get up, put on a backpack and never come back. Feeling his unhappiness was more than I could stand.
I guess in the end he found the "right" words (eye roll here, must acknowledge the irony ) because something did make sense. I asked well, is there
anything positive at all about being with me? Anything at all that might conciliate the lack of logic in this declaration?
He said yes. I don't get in way of his happiness in other parts of his life. I encourage and respect his (many) hobbies and interests. More irony
here- he's a hoarder. He also goes from collecting checker cabs to jet planes to old toys, .... his interests change every couple of years too. He
imagines any other woman would complain about it all, hand down ultimatums (me or the crap!), complain of the attention and time spent on these other
I didn't know what to think of that. Maybe it needs to stew for a while. But I am beginning to suspect that the "goal" or intent of our partnership
might have been simply to help each other live out our individual dreams. Whatever they may be or become. He bought me a horse long ago because it was
one of my dreams. He paid for and watched me scuba diving, even though he couldn't pull any pleasure from it directly (scared him). He's complaining
about my adventurous eclectic nature, but he has been as supportive of it all as I have been for him.
I guess, if you start from the viewpoint that the other needs to be the main focus and source of all happiness, this sounds sad. But I suspect that if
either of us expected the other to fulfill all of our curiosity and drives, we would definately have let each other down and ended it long ago. That
is just too much to ask of a human.
We could only promise each other to support our individual search for happiness elsewhere out there in the world- but at least that is something we've
been able to live up to.
Even if it is sort of like having a racehorse wife, as he put it. Scary and exciting at the same time.
Now I feel better. It was a weird conversation. I needed to digest it.