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Why does love for many people disappear after marriage?

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posted on Aug, 14 2017 @ 11:28 AM
It's the expectations! expectations from the society as to what marriage should be. For example, 1 woman and 1 man with 2 children and a little cute house. Expected to be faithful all their lives and support each others. Along with a bunch of other prejudices.

This above, whether they feel like it or not. We only have one life to live, better make the most out of it. In the end, marriage is no fairy tale, it can be hell. Love as an emotions can be confusing too, who says we can't love as many human beings as we want and that we have to be married?

posted on Sep, 9 2017 @ 06:21 PM
a reply to: TheFatedOutsider

I think that it is normality which is most appealing in terms of genuine love. Love more often than not fails, likely at least nine times out of ten, because the pathway to it is via the road of romance, romantic love being the next nearest thing to outright hate. At the same time romantic love has an unhealthily high self component to be associated with it. Take all of the sex out of the equation and then try, for should one find love by this journey self will likely be in its place, and as required for a circumstance of lasting and genuine love. Yet another form of love might be referred to as dependency love, love which has to say for fear of rejection and being alone. Another form again, love of familiarity, or lazy love, love of the security which comes with the routine rather than the actual person. There is one way love, accompanied most often with love mimicry. Genuine selfless mutual unconditional love may be uncommon in partner relationships. I do n`t necessarily expect love but I do expect friendship. Those that I love are always considerably junior to me in years though. I have no desire for any actual relationship, certainly not to die old with someone. I want to be able to remember those that I have loved whilst they were still young. What is the point of being a so called individual if it is only veneer deep.Most important of all is that emotion is controlled, love can only be complete in the environment of controlled emotion. When it comes to love we are still overly programmed like animals. It is no wonder that the success rate is so appalling low. Some of us are human animals whilst others again are human beings. [edit by]edit on 9-9-2017 by celebritydiscodave because: Change of term

edit on 9-9-2017 by celebritydiscodave because: added a line

Moving on slightly, some of us are so much animals in our miconceptions that we create monsters from out of innocent people. For instance, just because a girl timed her panic attack for when I happened to punch the air in joy I am labelled a pervert. Because on responding to a group of girls/children, they follow my world record attempts (I`m 62 yrs old) that call out my name and waive with the pulling of faces so to make them laugh it is thought that I`ve made gestures to them of my sticking my banana in their mouths. The mistake which I apparently made was in putting my hand anywhere near my mouth in this process of pulling some faces. With society I am surrounded by a bunch of socially naive absolute idiots,
many with minds as vial as sewage works.
edit on 9-9-2017 by celebritydiscodave because: (no reason given)

edit on 9-9-2017 by celebritydiscodave because: (no reason given)

posted on Sep, 29 2017 @ 03:52 AM
People use the word love all the time without even really meaning it, its one of the most misused words in this world. We have been influenced by Hollywood films, music and fairytales that instilles a warped sense of the perfect relationship and unrealistic expectations, making it seem like real love can be achieved with little effort. In relationships people tend to use the word a lot but not carry out the actions to go with it, its the old saying 'actions are more important then words'. Also people tend to get carried away by infatuation and physical passion, and mistake that for love. And thats why I think 'love' doesnt last throughout a marriage.
Love should not be restricted and desire and protect and help only the ones to who it feels an attraction, for your own gain. It shouldnt be used to manipulate the other person. That is a selfish kind of 'love'
Real love is selfless and seeks nothing for itself. Real true love should not seek in any way to perform any action because it will bring some satisfaction to the individual, people treat it like some drug which is why in a lot of marriages or long relationships when one person no longer feels that satisfaction that is lust, we give up and move on for our next 'fix', someone who can stroke our ego and make us feel good about ourselves.
Pretty obvious that people often mistake lust for love these days and I think real true love within a relationship is extremely rare if it even exists.
edit on 29-9-2017 by DCCLXXVII because: (no reason given)

edit on 29-9-2017 by DCCLXXVII because: Spelling

posted on Oct, 13 2017 @ 05:27 AM
I don't know what everyone means when they say "love". It seems everyone has a different idea of what feeling/experience is love.

I consider it a deep knowing and appreciation for someone, which creates empathy. What the other feels, you also feel.
If you tend towards happiness, then you also feel driven towards happiness for the other.

If my husband is unhappy with me, I do not want to stay with him because I feel it too. It becomes an inner conflict I need to resolve to feel integrity.

I suspect that that empathy needs to be nurtured in order to retain it. Deep knowledge and awareness of each other and each others internal workings needs to be kept up, otherwise you drift apart, become less aware of each others feelings, and the relationship crumbles.

Talking to each other is essential to nurturing that empathy. Sometimes, with all the responsibilities and activities people get caught up in with having a family and a home, the communication gets neglected. The beginning of the end.

I sometimes think the idea that only a marriage for life is a successful marriage is false. Perhaps that marriage has fulfilled all that they wanted out of it. The partnership has been a success and is done.

I don't know. I'm just saying that when I speak in depth to some divorcees, it sounds to me like love is there, but the marriage simply came to it's point of fulfillment and natural ending. It could be celebrated then!
-Especially people who married with the intent of creating a family. That was the goal, the goal was fulfilled, on to the next adventure. This relationship wasn't made for, created for, other endeavors.

The expectation that a marriage can only be successful if it goes until death of both participants may simply be false.

A lot of times too, I hear this idea that the partners undertook the marriage with the intent of changing who that person was into something else. I am dubious of this excuse. EVEN if two people marry under such circumstances, they have to both be aware and willing- meaning the target of the intended changes wanted to become different, and saw their partner as an aid in that endeavor, or an outside pressure to motivate and push them.

It might be copping out to then point a finger and say the partner was evil because they wanted to change you.

I don't know why my marriage has lasted almost 30 years, I had no expectations consciously. I didn't say "until death do we part" (I wrote my own vows) because that just sounded terribly unrealistic to me. I was thinking more like until divorce do we part!

I had a talk with him in depth last night, and I asked him a very serious question - why are you still with me?

I hear him say I am hard to follow, because I change careers every couple of years, take on new hobbies and interests, my feelings about things change..... basically it sounded worse than that. It sounded like life with me is hell, really. It was pretty depressing. I won't go into all the details. But it followed the oft-repeated idea that women are irrational, illogical, impossible to live with, a pain in the butt basically.

All I could say is that I see nothing more illogical and irrational than to state ones terrible unhappiness with someone, while also making effort to say this in a way which will please her and make her stay. WHY would you make any effort to stay in a situation which is a source of unhappiness???

God, my irrational nature had the desire to get up, put on a backpack and never come back. Feeling his unhappiness was more than I could stand.

I guess in the end he found the "right" words (eye roll here, must acknowledge the irony ) because something did make sense. I asked well, is there anything positive at all about being with me? Anything at all that might conciliate the lack of logic in this declaration?

He said yes. I don't get in way of his happiness in other parts of his life. I encourage and respect his (many) hobbies and interests. More irony here- he's a hoarder. He also goes from collecting checker cabs to jet planes to old toys, .... his interests change every couple of years too. He imagines any other woman would complain about it all, hand down ultimatums (me or the crap!), complain of the attention and time spent on these other pursuits.

I didn't know what to think of that. Maybe it needs to stew for a while. But I am beginning to suspect that the "goal" or intent of our partnership might have been simply to help each other live out our individual dreams. Whatever they may be or become. He bought me a horse long ago because it was one of my dreams. He paid for and watched me scuba diving, even though he couldn't pull any pleasure from it directly (scared him). He's complaining about my adventurous eclectic nature, but he has been as supportive of it all as I have been for him.

I guess, if you start from the viewpoint that the other needs to be the main focus and source of all happiness, this sounds sad. But I suspect that if either of us expected the other to fulfill all of our curiosity and drives, we would definately have let each other down and ended it long ago. That is just too much to ask of a human.

We could only promise each other to support our individual search for happiness elsewhere out there in the world- but at least that is something we've been able to live up to.

Even if it is sort of like having a racehorse wife, as he put it. Scary and exciting at the same time.

Now I feel better. It was a weird conversation. I needed to digest it.

posted on Nov, 3 2017 @ 04:56 AM
I think the main problem is that routine kills romantic. My husband and I like to travel and make different experiments for a change of scenery . In our last trip to Eastern Europe we tried vipmassage in Kiev. That was completely new experience for us. Very arousing. Aften 5 years of mariage it helped us to bring back the passion in out relationship.

posted on Nov, 4 2017 @ 06:17 AM
I may be a cynical in this area but I don't really believe that most people truly "love" each other when committing to these kinds of long-term situations. Our culture sells us relationships and marriage as things that we are expected to just do. Combined that with our animal instincts of sexuality and we have our situation.
People make friends and might like being around them or find the romantic idea of umm...romance, to seem appealing but they don't realize what they are actually putting themselves into, contrary to what they actually want (being sex or even simply friendship).
I won't get into relationship dynamics, but with true "love" itself (which is a hard thing to fathom), is by far not superficial and it is certainly obsessive, even scary. True "love" is really not something that can disappear, it accepts all of the ugly and unattractive aspects of what it is to be human. It is still warm, dedicated and understanding at moments that would break most relationships/marriages.
But I'm also quite sure that most humans aren't cut out for this kind of "love", myself included. It's only due to our society/culture that we are put in this situation of almost being forced to live in one place, experience one country, stay in a job and become predictable, living up to the expectations around us. True "love" doesn't conform to this really.

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