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A gift, a request, a question

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posted on May, 26 2017 @ 10:56 AM
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Dear ATS. It's with shock and sorrow that I'm saying goodbye to this insane and beloved community in which I've mingled daily for almost 7 years. I recently learned that I have numerous inoperable brain tumors, and somewhere around 3-12 months to live. I wanted to write while I still have all my faculties, before the drugs and the treatments and the disease fully kick in. Thanks so, so much for being a part of my daily read all this time.

It started with breast cancer two years ago. I did copious research and settled on a mix of conventional and alternative therapies including surgery, curcumin/other supplements, diet & lifestyle change, and radiation. 'Had a great run of extreme good health until vertigo hit me like a brick wall a few weeks ago. By the time we did all the dr. appointments, eliminating inner ear problems, allergies, meningitis, BPPV, etc. it was really too late. My brain is like a whack-a-mole with tumors that pop up as soon as we can eradicate them. So, that's that. We're not ruling out miracles or the healing properties of certain miracle weeds but it's "hope for the best, plan for the worst," now.

A gift
For a moment, I ask you to set aside all the "Gosh, that's awful" and other sentiments or offers of cures like Uncle Fester's toe-taping ritual that will miraculously turn my situation around. I thank you for those. I really do. But just for now, please accept this gift from me to you: I offer you insight into a state that you may -- and no doubt will -- someday face. That is, you can see through my eyes looking at a life that is very nearly over.

And it looks like this: Suddenly, all thoughts of politics, arguments, daily concerns and such are snuffed out like a candle. All I can think of is how beautiful life is, even with all its horror and pettiness. It's strange that every moment is oh-so important, yet I get the sense in the turning earth and the changing tides that this big round ball goes on and on spinning, and we get to be a minuscule part of its unraveling story. What a miracle that we get to exist at all! If you want any more insight into the view, feel free to pose your Q's in this forum or through pm.

A request
I'm casting aside regrets, guilt, anxiety and ill will, which are all a colossal waste of time. I ask you -- in my stead -- to please do the same whenever you can. 'Just in some little way. You don't have to change your personality or go on some big "pay-it-forward" campaign. Just today, just when you think about it, be a little kinder to the human standing next to you, be a little slower to assume the worst, a little quicker to give people a break, a little more open to the notion that they may be going through a really rotten day or year. Make someone smile. Better: make them laugh. Give yourself a break, too. Care less (yes, it's a choice) about how you appear to others and more about how you connect with them. Be open to the idea that there's a lot more going on in this Universe than you can understand in this lifetime and you may just have it wrong in one way or another: even the "God question." This is a lot to ask, but if you can do even one small part of it, I'll know that I lived on in some positive way.

A question
So, let's quit being all doom-n-gloom for the moment, shall we? With brain tumors -- at least in my case -- I'll slip away relatively quickly on a sea of pain meds, hopefully surrounded by loved ones. 'Not the worst way to go out. I can think of at least a few more awful ways to shuffle off this mortal coil and begin the task of pushing up daisies and I am counting on the rich creativity of collective ATS minds to help me round out my list. What about being eaten by a shark or drowning in a big cesspool? What say you, ATS? Worst way to go?

Love & light to all.

GraceUP




posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:02 AM
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Alone. Plain and simple, for me. Just dying alone.

I hope that it's as easy as can be for you, and that your loved ones are there to see you off.




posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:10 AM
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Sincere thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings on
your condition.

I wish you only the best from here to where we all go
after.




posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:11 AM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure

Dear Grace:
You certainly have the right posting name. Per your request, I will spare you the platitudes.
No, not a bad way to “float’ over at all…I hope it all goes as planned. Thanks for the insights.
Blessings.
Missie



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:12 AM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure

Leaving with regrets and without getting to say goodbye to those you love.

I will be sending love and positivity your way. You have a great attitude and your sharing has been inspirational. Best of luck on your journey in this next chapter of being.


+4 more 
posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:19 AM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure

I hope you get your miracle. My hand to yours.



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:30 AM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure



God Bless.



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:33 AM
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As per your request, ill just post my worst fear of going out. But first, I HAVE to say, your a very strong woman.

My worst fear of dying is falling through ice and getting trapped under it.



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:34 AM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure

Dear Grace (what a lovely username!),

As requested I spare you the platitudes. Your gift is for me at least unnecessary. I have carried the "be nice to others" idea for several years already and refuse to do otherwise. We can help each other and often it is just in the little things. A kind word, a smile, an offer of help. (I'm a hippy that was born 20 years too late! Peace and love is all I have to offer my fellow human.)

I recently lost the best friend I ever had, my ex-girlfriend. Lung cancer, but enough of that. Sometimes one never realises the gift until it's gone and I've seen a few ATS members depart this forum with the same affliction. (woodwardjnr?)

As far as your question goes... From what I have seen in my life at least, a sudden death is worse than one that you know is coming. At least for the people you leave behind. We have time to say goodbye when the C word has been uttered. I hope and wish that your loved ones will be by your side and throw a damn good party when it is time to really say goodbye. I think a funeral should celebrate life, and the things you gave to everyone around you. Like many ATS'ers, you sound like a person I would liked to have met in real life but alas, an internet forum is not the place for that. I did something at the funeral of my ex that T&C's will not allow me to say and she chose the music! Rock on!

Drowning is one of my biggest fears btw, I can't swim!

Love to you too and may your passing be peaceful on a sea of meds or otherwise.



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:36 AM
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originally posted by: Macenroe82
As per your request, ill just post my worst fear of going out. But first, I HAVE to say, your a very strong woman.

My worst fear of dying is falling through ice and getting trapped under it.



You should move south.



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:38 AM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure
A gift: I wish we could all be allowed to see this before being given the news you were. How sad that it takes this for us to see the beauty.

A request: I try to live my life this way every day. Today I will try and reach one person who does not have a smile on their face and see if that can be changed.

A question: Without thinking I would say alone. That I was just a horrible person that no one missed me or even celebrated my passing, what a horrible thought! But as for the worst way to go, I think it would be fire. I can't imagine what that would be like.



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 11:49 AM
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graceunderpressure

The best way to go out is what you're doing. A gift to everyone else, a request/wish for us/the world to be better, and a question/way to get through the rough times ahead. I could not think of a better way ...you got class, Lady!

As for your question:

Being dipped in and out of a pool of acid, while still alive, and having the skin/layers of my body melted off one by one slowly with each "dip" while listening to the purple dinosaur Barney sing his "I love you" song over and over again...



Never give up hope, Grace...


blend57

edit on 26-5-2017 by blend57 because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 12:11 PM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure

Grace (a name that suits you very well!)

I lost my oldest sister (age 41) just 10 days ago to cancer. I thought about threading about it on ATS but there really are no words for such a terrible disease and the pain it inflicts on individuals and their families.

I will leave you with this: Cancer may take your body but it cannot destroy your spirit, your love or our memories.

Bless you, my friend! I wish you well!

67

edit on 0413x6704America/ChicagovAmerica/Chicago5 by six67seven because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 06:25 PM
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The rest is in the PM




posted on May, 26 2017 @ 09:11 PM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure

Peter Blanchette, performing "Si Beag Si Mor", an Irish tune written by Turloch O'Callan in the late 1700s. The Gaelic title loosely translates to 'big hill, little hill'. You conquer the little one first, always. The rest becomes easier, until, one fine day, Grace, holy shyte, one is close to the crest and the sun breaks over the mount and the cool, crisp air defracts the rays in a quiet crepuscular way, and one knows........... finally, that they are ....... home. Just a few bonny bit more to climb. Almost there.



And .... then, the race! The crest is realized and wonder and joy is around, and your people are smiling and one feels a jig in their soul, and a dance in the heart....

and magic happens, and we're not alone. No, not by a damn sight. There is the smell of heather and the cut of thorn, and remem'brances of blood left on the blade and times when we stood tall and proud for ourselves and our kith and kin.



........ and there are smiles in the heavens, and perhaps mammatus clouds forming tears over the skies, not for the passing of a bright soul, but for the many bits of wonder they shared with those who mattered to them.

Your song matters, dear heart. Thank you for singing.



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 09:42 PM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure

How noble. Thank you classy lady.

Thank you.



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 10:08 PM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure

My worst fear in dying?

Being forgotten, as we're all of us alone in that final instant. Afterwords, we're with those who went before.

Maybe it's an ego thing, but I want someone somewhere to say quietly, "I'm sorry he's gone, and the world is the worse for it."



posted on May, 26 2017 @ 10:09 PM
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a reply to: Kali74

Amen.



posted on May, 27 2017 @ 03:52 AM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure
graceunderpressure,

Thank you for your gift, and thank you for your request, which I also consider a gift!

Here is a small gift from me, for what it's worth: A few years ago, I had an amazing (this is an understatement) experience with '___' (the "spirit molecule" which is also in ayahuasca). I won't go into details, but this experience completely removed any fear of death that I previously had, and firmly grounded my conviction of the existence of the soul. Death is only a transition to something far greater and beautiful than what we experience in this life, which of course does have its purpose while it lasts. Having obviously lived your life with grace, I am sure that you have done, and are still doing, your part in fulfilling this purpose.

Worst way of dying: Being tortured to death in front of your children.

soulwaxer



posted on May, 27 2017 @ 08:11 AM
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a reply to: graceunderpressure

You are one of the good ones my friend.

I look forward to hearing of a miracle from you.
You are still needed here.



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