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Fellow ATS members i need your honest advice regarding financial struggles

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posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:10 PM
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I'm not sure if this is the right forum and if it's not please move it accordingly.

I never made a big deal about my situation and it doesn't bother me that much to be honest but now i'm at a cross road so to speak. A part of my family (myself included) struggle a great deal financially and i'm in the middle of it all. A very big factor in all of this is my early retirement and i had to jump through a lot of bureaucratic hoops to get where i am now but the end result of the money i got is actually pretty laughable. After the death of my father i helped my mother to deal with her new financial situation and since her cancer surgery a few weeks back it will get much worse. She is currently on the waiting list for her disability claim (it takes 2-4 months) and has to give up her job too. We already did the math and she has to move into a smaller appartment in the near future because it's way to expensive now. We had a good run for the past few years and she always paid me back what she owed though i did cheat and never demanded the full sum in return. Money is just paper for me even if i don't have lots of it. My relationship with my family is beyond complicated but as of late i feel like a ATM. I'm not angry with them or anything but i do value honesty and the truth.

I felt like the little introduction was needed because now it's time for my real dilemma. My oldest brother is going through a messy divorce and to the contrary what many foreigners believe of Germany being pretty fair and just to all parties involved i learned that if you father children you're basically f#cked when it comes to a divorce. The bills are piling up and he is drowning in debt but he still works like a maniac. In the past few years i racked up a high 4 figure sum that he basically owes me but there is no way he could ever pay me back and i'm fine with that. The problem i'm now facing is at a certain point in the near future i have to choose between helping my mother or my brother. Helping both is out of the question. I have to admit i'm the only one who knows exactly what goes on in both of there lifes. My other siblings have some idea i guess but they are way of base in discovering the truth and i want it to stay that way. I want everyone to live there lifes without worrying about me or the others.

I'm a lone wolf and i have nobody else that's why i'm asking you. I love my family at least i think it's love i'm not really sure but that's not the point. What am i supposed to do? If i help my brother then it means basically eating bread and drinking water for the rest of this month for me. I have some breathing room regarding my mother because her sister is keeping an eye on her at the moment.

Please don't pity me that's not the reason why i asked for your advice.




posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:15 PM
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a reply to: Perfectenemy

In the past few years i racked up a high 4 figure sum that he basically owes me but there is no way he could ever pay me back and i'm fine with that. The problem i'm now facing is at a certain point in the near future i have to choose between helping my mother or my brother.

Um, Tell your brother what's going on with your mother? I'm sure he'll understand, and you'd now be two people solving things up together.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:16 PM
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He should look at things in his life he can cut back on. How is he so much in debt working his ass off.

I work 3 days a week at a crap job making not much at all (my choice) and I have zero debt, buy my cars outright, and own a 3 bedroom house.

He needs to see what he can change.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:21 PM
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a reply to: Perfectenemy

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edit on 4-5-2017 by mekhanics because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:28 PM
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originally posted by: swanne
a reply to: Perfectenemy

In the past few years i racked up a high 4 figure sum that he basically owes me but there is no way he could ever pay me back and i'm fine with that. The problem i'm now facing is at a certain point in the near future i have to choose between helping my mother or my brother.

Um, Tell your brother what's going on with your mother? I'm sure he'll understand, and you'd now be two people solving things up together.





He knows what's going on and my mother and i helped him not the other way around. The new circumstances of my mothers illness changed that now though. My mother is no longer able to support him and she already told me that i should keep my money for myself too. We all struggle but me and my mother kept a pretty good balance but with my oldest brother it's completely f#cked up.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:29 PM
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originally posted by: mekhanics
a reply to: Perfectenemy

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I'm not allowed to earn extra money. This could cost me my benefits.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:29 PM
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a reply to: Perfectenemy

Your mother is sinking at the end of her life (even if she has many years left).
Your brother is enmeshed in his own life, exactly all his doing and not doing it well.
Your first responsibility is to your mother and lesser so to your brother.

Evidently, you have been the piggybank for your family and it seems obvious that your brother has been making frequent withdrawals for too long. Tell him, "Sorry, Mom comes first." It he can't understand that, well....



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:31 PM
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Your brother needs to step up to the plate and support himself. You're not responsible.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:32 PM
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originally posted by: OccamsRazor04
He should look at things in his life he can cut back on. How is he so much in debt working his ass off.

I work 3 days a week at a crap job making not much at all (my choice) and I have zero debt, buy my cars outright, and own a 3 bedroom house.

He needs to see what he can change.


Well he is obligated by law to pay for his 3 kids and don't forget the alimony for his soon to be ex-wife. It's unbelievable how the justice system milks him like a cash cow. The overall situation is pretty dire.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:44 PM
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I don't know if this is viable, but what about the 3 of you living together for a limited time, to cut expenses for everyone?

I'm sorry your going through this.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:49 PM
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originally posted by: chiefsmom
I don't know if this is viable, but what about the 3 of you living together for a limited time, to cut expenses for everyone?

I'm sorry your going through this.


That's out of the question for me and my mother and brother are currently not on the same wavelength if you catch my drift. As soon you move in together and one of the party involved has a job the other person is going to lose all or a huge chunk of there benefits in the process. The system is pretty flawed here.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 03:59 PM
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a reply to: Perfectenemy

That makes sense for being in debt in the future. But why so much debt NOW?



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 04:07 PM
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originally posted by: OccamsRazor04
a reply to: Perfectenemy

That makes sense for being in debt in the future. But why so much debt NOW?


Short answer would be the messy Divorce. You have to pay for everything and they don't care if you have enough to support yourself. I'm not exaggerating btw. The banks play a huge factor in this too. I'm not in a position to pay off all of his debts. Of course he made mistakes and i don't know if it's my east german genes but i can't abandon him now. Family goes above all. He is still my brother after all.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 04:13 PM
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a reply to: Perfectenemy

I don't mean to be harsh but I am really wondering why you feel the need to help everyone. It is one thing to help someone out one time or twice in an emergency, but it appears you are pretty much supporting your mom and brother. Maybe you need more help learning to say no. I recently read something that is very hard for most parents to grasp. You should not fund your child's college until you have saved for your retirement. Why, because when you are old and sick, many children will not be able to help you. You are a great son and brother and it sounds like you have really done more than your part. My question is what happens when you are in a dire situation, like cancer for yourself or some other emergency We know that life always throws you a curveball. Will you have the means to take care of it if your family does not come through as you have done? You can absolutely love your family, but you also have to love yourself to know that you are not being responsible for yourself. I know where you are coming from because I was/am in a very similar situation. Saying no to a family member in need is the hardest thing in the world. If you must help one, I say your mom because she has no ability to earn income, your brother should be able to bounce back.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 04:29 PM
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This is a very easy answer for me. You help your mother and don't give a dime to your brother. Not that he doesn't deserve it because it sounds like he works his butt off but more the fact that your mum is unable to work. Your brother can and will dig out of that hole if he keeps working hard and makes smart decisions. But first remember you must take care of yourself and your well being before anyone.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 04:43 PM
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a reply to: JAGStorm

Thanks and i appreciate your honesty. I think it's really an older generation thing. I'm a 80s kid and i grew up in east germany and they teached us in school to value your family and your country. The thing is i would never ask for any help. It's not in my nature and i keep all my burdens strict to myself. I know i contradict myself here but i'm not that great really. I still handle different situations in the worst possible ways. I'm very pedantic when it comes to my own debts and i made sure that i don't fall into any traps and for the most part i was pretty good at avoiding them alltogether.

I would never in a million years demand anything in return though. My life is pretty complicated and i found a unique way to balance it all out but this works only for me and i just hate to see my oldest brother like this. I'm perfectly aware of the consequences if i keep helping him but i also don't want to choose between him or her. I guess it truly is an impossible situation.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 05:09 PM
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I guess to me, the real question is if they are trying as hard as you to make ends meet for everyone. If you are working yourself into an early grave and they are just sitting around taking what you give them, I think you are doing yourself, and them, a disservive. I get the can't have so much income or benefits decline, however I would imagine there is work your brother could do under the table. Yard work comes to mind...or other handyman type work...digging post holes, building fences, any other one off type jobs that ate generally paid in cash. Your mother probably doesn't have much choice as to working or income, but in the States she would qualify as a dependent and would likely increase instead of decrease you or your brother's benefits. I would suggest finding someone fluent in your country's social services and ask them to help you determine the best possible course. They are supposed to help you get as many benefits as possible the quickest so you can get back on your feet (or in this case for your brother). And though it probably goes without saying, have all of you actually written down your monthly expenses, prioritized them, then eliminated the ones that weren't security related (food, shelter, necessary utilities)? I wish you well as it sounds like you want to do the right thing...I think you just don't want to make the hard calls...



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 05:26 PM
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My advice is to shoot fast and straight and be honest with both of them,

If your that close shouldn't be a problem.


Personally my siblings never have given me a dime.

Without question I'd help my ma.

Family is family if there is resentment.

Will then you know they were using you all along.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 05:32 PM
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originally posted by: Perfectenemy

originally posted by: OccamsRazor04
He should look at things in his life he can cut back on. How is he so much in debt working his ass off.

I work 3 days a week at a crap job making not much at all (my choice) and I have zero debt, buy my cars outright, and own a 3 bedroom house.

He needs to see what he can change.


Well he is obligated by law to pay for his 3 kids and don't forget the alimony for his soon to be ex-wife. It's unbelievable how the justice system milks him like a cash cow. The overall situation is pretty dire.


Yes, he's obligated to pay for his three kids. He made them. He's responsible. It is correct and just for the justice system to force him to take care of his own kids. He needs to pay for their upkeep until they reach the age of majority. YOU, however, did NOT make them. You are not responsible for his actions. There is no reason you need to support him so he can support his kids. You didn't marry his wife. You didn't make his kids. Why are you even in the loop here? I can see helping your Mom, though I'm very surprised the "vastly superior social system of the EU compared to the US" that we keep hearing about doesn't step up to the plate for her itself, but it doesn't sound like you are in a position to do much.



posted on May, 4 2017 @ 09:03 PM
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Sorry to hear it . Not only germany where men get shafted on divorce . Happens worldwide these days .

Its not much ( still early here having morning coffee ) . What about find place to live with your mother and brother to cut down expense ? It would help out your mum and brother . It also would enable you and your brother to give your mum support as she undergoes treatments .

Good luck . After four years finally got debt cleared from my divorce at start of this month .
Got lucky court ruled in my favour after useless wife ran off with her rich boyfriend she didnt even show up for court . Judge was not happy . Now just have to track them down to get my daughter back as was given full custody .



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