I need help everyone please.

originally posted by: Sahabi
a reply to: DarkStarRising

Several people are commenting about your rule of prohibiting the opposite sex from coming over if both you and your wife are not present.

This rule is not weird, or wrong, or a sign of any insecurity or mistrust.

¿ Can't you guys remember that one and two generations ago this rule was the collective social norm in the U.S.?

If a male utility worker or salesman ever came to the door when my father wasn't home, my mother would tell the man to come back later when my father was home. My grandmother did the same thing!

This cultural norm was in-place to prevent the woman from being robbed or raped, and it also ensured that no unnecessary sexual temptations or allegations came into play. This social rule was even respected by guests and friends of the family.

When I am not home and a stranger knocks on the door, my wife does not open the door all the way and does not unhinge the lock chain unless I am home. If they need access to anything, she instructs them to come back when I am home.

Safety first!

**Mysterioustranger-I was one implying his "home-rules" were not right. What's right is their own idea. Nothing can or should change that. If they see it that way...then its all good. I didnt want to leave a negative connotation with my replies..
Thanks- M.S.

originally posted by: kaylaluv
But seriously, if someone was talking about how small you are, and how that's not how a real man does it, and how unattractive and boooorrring she is, yawn, yawn... that wouldn't bother you just a little?

Well, maybe not you...

No, I would, at that point, do my hardest to prove them wrong. Repeatedly.

next time he is laying it to her just kick the door open and step in wearing nothing but a borat style manquini and tell him to step aside so you can beat it up right.
should horrify them both....
worth a shot

a reply to: TinySickTears

Must be an antifreeze green mankini.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

I would expect nothing less from you.

a reply to: kaylaluv

Don't judge me.

Good lord... what a situation. Your wife needs to choose.. you or the little psycho. Thats your ONLY problem. If she chooses you and a normal respectful household.. yay. If she doesnt.. Im sure myself and others on here can help you find housing and any vets help in your area. Marines stick together.. youll be ok

People behave like animals anymore. Call it tyranny or whatever BS you want.. my kids love me and fear/respect me enough that they are incredibly respectful to me and my home... and to others and their homes. My husband would kick the # out of someone if they dared to behave in that way in our home and in MY presence. Your wife needs to learn what loyalty REALLY is.. and where to place hers. She should respect you more than she does obviously. My old ass would snatch that bitch up by her head and literally kick her out of OUR home... both mine and my husbands. NO respect whatsoever... sometimes they need to be taught.

I feel for you, brother. Hang in there and decide how far you want to go with this. If you REALLY want your home to be your castle.. you CAN do it. Itll hurt a little bit, but youll be better off in the end.

It sounds to me as if you are a little isolated. Your wife and her son stick together but there's no-one to stick up for you?

Do you have friends you could invite over during the day? Just see how the mood takes your son and his girlfriend if there's half a dozen old guys in the living room drinking beer and playing cards.

Or having a yoga morning - don't want to stereotype

Alternatively, break the rules and have a few ladies round for a coffee morning now and then. Maybe they could get hold of that girl and talk some sense into her.

The bottom line is you're sorely in need of help. You'll get nowhere taking on three other people when you have no leverage. And no respect from any of them.

Was it your family who tried to part you and your wife? I'm wondering if they've now been vindicated. Will any of them help you now?

originally posted by: berenike
It sounds to me as if you are a little isolated. Your wife and her son stick together but there's no-one to stick up for you?

Do you have friends you could invite over during the day? Just see how the mood takes your son and his girlfriend if there's half a dozen old guys in the living room drinking beer and playing cards.

Thats what I was assuming... mainly because Ive seen SO many of our own long term friends go through tribulations similar to this. I cant stand the thought of a person ( particularly a Marine.. as I understand them pretty well! ) being put in a powerless situation and being physically disabled to boot! I know for a fact if they have a VFW close, all he has to do is make contact and he WILL get a ride if needed and be able to network with former mil.

I just dont see where his wife will stand by him and be loyal to him though. SHe has in effect chosen the psycho over her husband. She has tken his power away in his own home and he has allowed her to do so out of love and commitment from what it sounds like. The son is dangerous. People of any integrity DO NOT behave in those ways. He fears no repercussions for anything he does and the wife wont back up the husband. She MUST have his 6 or the man will never have any peace.. unless he leaves the toxic situation. Its hard.. and he needs support.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

It sounds like any advice I could provide is at least 23 years too late.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

If "it doesn't matter because he is 21" he needs to move out and get his own damn apartment.

The initial act itself was beyond rude and disrespectful, and his response to being confronted means it's time for a little tough love*.

Kick him (and his girlfriend) to the curb.

Your home, YOUR RULES.
SET YOUR FOOT DOWN.

*source : left home at 17 because I couldn't "play by the rules".

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: Ghost147

originally posted by: Sahabi
a reply to: DarkStarRising

When a child is of legal age and wants to chest-bump you in your own house about your own rules,... it's time to push them out of the tree nest and encourage them to open their wings and fly.

See, I don't exactly agree with this.

It wasn't clarified in the OP that his son was informed of any rules in the first place.

And A 21 year old, adult, marine was yelled at for having sex.

Of course the son isn't going to take that response well.

Was the son in the right? No of course not. But he may not have realized what he was doing was disrespectful in the first place.

Was the OP in the right? From what we can tell so far, no he was not. That reaction isn't going to positively effect the situation, its going to severely worsen it and his relationship with his son (this coming from experience)

Kicking the son out for doing what adults do is not an option. It would be highly likely for the OP and the son to damage their relationship with eachother for years to come.

The best course of action is to talk, like adults, explain why doing that on your fathers house isn't appropriate, what can be done instead, and to show that the OP UNDERSTANDS where his son is coming from, but that there are better places to do that.

Shunning him, treating him like a child, and kicking him out means you and your son may not be talking for the next couple of years

we have tried that please read all my posts this boy has been claiming to be the anticrist for the last 8 years. His real father is in jail for having sex with his our sons 9 year old step sister right in front of him on the couch. He says thing like she is mine even if I have to kill anyone who gets in the way. He is showing every sign of being a sexual predator just like his biological father. Then he pulls crap like this and tells me mine and his mother's feeling don't matter that we can fyck off.

and now he has done the same exact thing on my couch in front of me with her and has told me that I don't have the right to be upset.

I am truly afraid for him. His mother is manic depressive bipolar with psyco tendencies his father is in jail for multiple counts of rape on a minor under 14 and he was a witness to all of it.

Every thing he is doing is a sign of a social disorder and the things he is saying sounds like an abusive sexual predator. And the worst part is he thinks the hole thing is funny and keeps making wise cracks on how he is going to tie her down to the couch next time.

How am I supposed to react to this guy's. I'm 41 and was raised by an old fashion Kentucky hillbilly. I am the way I am.

Raised old fashioned or modern that's still not an acceptable thing to do in front of a parent. Sadly sounds like he may been conditioned and not understand what he's doing is wrong in front of you.

At this point, yes he is taunting you with abuse. Sad the girlfriend doesn't understand what is going on. Apparently neither does his mother.

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkStarRising

DSR...

Listen, this one is both simple and complicated, all at once.

Your solution to the age old trust problem, is bad. You need to trust one another, not create arbitrary rules which hamper normality, so that you can trust one another.

Furthermore, if you have a third adult in the house, it may well be an idea to reign in your rules focus. I am not saying that you ought to do that because having rules is wrong, but I am saying that you are going to damage your sons development, by failing to respect that his needs as a man are at least as important as your desires as a parent, probably a little more so as it happens, but there you go.

On the other hand, his lady ought to have known better than to wear see through clothing around his parents. So there is an awful lot going on here, but please, for the love of all thats good in the world, do not go about thinking you have this parenting thing nailed down. If your walls are thin, and your son has his lady over, go out for the night, you and your wife.

Now, as for the "having sex right in front of me" thing... How, precisely did that come about?

Are you saying that they were in the same room? Was there actual intercourse, or are you being overly dramatic so all the mothers and fathers on the boards will side with you? Did you walk in on them, walk into your sons room without permission to do so, which would make anything you saw your own stupid fault, or what?

As I say, its complicated, because yes, its your house, and therefore its your rules. But you have to understand something. Unless your boy is very lucky, he could end up living at your place for a great deal of time. Money is hard to come by for young people these days, places to live cost more than most young people can afford, and the tendency these days is to live at home well into ones thirties, if not later. Are you suggesting that he should wait until he has moved out of home, before having any sexual intercourse of any kind, no matter how old he gets in between now and being able to afford it? Because if so, I think that would probably count as some sort of violation of human rights law.

You are absolutely right to insist upon some standards, but you need to make sure that your trust issues in your relationship, the shoddy way you have dealt with those issues (the creation of outrageously arbitrary rules, rather than, you know, actually trusting one another), and your unreasonable expectations of your sons ability to make his own nest (which is a functional impossibility for a great many hard working young people all over the developed world, as a result of an economy ruined by people your generation voted for, by the way), do not damage your sons development.

And if you want sense out of him, rather than "I AM 21 NOW DAD, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!", you might want to not walk into his room when he is mid way through the horizontal rumba. Just a thought.

No I'm not being overly dramatic. I am sitting in bed watching news at 10. We live in a small mobile home. The couch is 10 feet from our bed. The left the light on and had sex on the couch (intercourse) 10 feet away. There was no way I could miss what was happening. And then he starts telling me it don't matter that he is 21 and my feelings don't matter because he has a job and I don't because I'm in the process of getting disabled as my back is completely screwed and I will be in a wheel chair soon. So where am I supposed to go and be away from this. When his mother is at work I have no where I can go but out in the yard or lock myself in my time bed room

In his psyche he's the man of the house, you're beneath him and he will do as he pleases, which can include a plan to have you move out which it seems to be in the works.

Either talk this through, make a compromise with your wife about you step son, or doesn't look like your marriage is going to last at least in a healthy sense.

Ha ha this a classic. If you don't like to watch? And don't want to join in either?
Go to the kitchen the next time they get heated up. Grab the biggest pan you
can find in the cupboard and fill it with cold water. Do I need to go on?

a reply to: dreamingawake
To add to the above due to text length restriction:

In the meantime don't allow him to keep giving the upper hand. If not ignoring the situation by not being there(go to the other places you mentioned or leave the house altogether), try some loud unappealing music-or what you may feel they won't like and try to keep away from them.
Otherwise what are you going to have to do if it continues, build an additional(if allowed at the park) room or such to keep away from him, but doesn't mean that will work, he may push further into that space as well as your health may restrict you from even doing it as mentioned.

originally posted by: DarkStarRising
The rules have been told to him for years. His answer to us now is that he is 21 and our rules no longer apply and that he should be allowed to do what ever he wants regardless of anyone else's feelings. He literally said it to my face. When he moved back in with us he also let me know that I'm disabled and not working so him and his mother have the only say in the house and I'm to shut up and mind my own business.

Oh so typical of the ME- ME- ME spoilt, selfish, cossetted, wrapped in cotton

wool generation who thinks the world owes them a living .... and that they

invented sex!!!!

lol!!!

How did previous generations ever manage to have sex? ...when they were not

allowed to entertain the opposite sex without a chaperone in their homes?

He's 21, an adult and can do as he likes? ...

He can....

But the downside is with adulthood comes adult responsibilities. AND it is not

down to you to facilitate his sex life!!!


**YOUR HOUSE YOUR RULES**

Then he lies to us and tells us it's our fault he lies. When we try to talk to him he starts throwing around the word suicide. But it seems the only time he has a panic attack is when he has been caught doing something wrong. As long as he gets his way he's happy joking and a smart ass. Someone tells him he either can't do something or God forbid I tell him I don't feel like taking him or that I got to much going on and don't have time. Then he becomes the most abbusive person I've ever met.

He dosen't even 'man up' and take responsibility for his own actions.....

Keep your nerve, He has said he can do what he likes?

Yes....But...

**YOUR HOUSE YOUR RULES**


Sorry to say this but your wife HAS A CHOICE .... to stay with you or leave

with him.

If you let him stay he will undermine you in your own home and destroy

your self esteem.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Lmao.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

I strongly reccommend you bang your son's girlfriend immediately.

I realize this sounds extreme, but i have every confidence that it will solve all your problems.

a reply to: DarkStarRising
You're in a tough situation here. I get the feeling 'laying the law down' is physically difficult. I also get the feeling your son is one of these young generations who wouldn't listen anyway.

I hope you get the situation sorted.

It will be hard from here on until it is sorted.

Well damn.

You know what, if your woman is taking the side of her misbegotten, psychotic progeny, kick them both out. The last thing his mother should be doing is enabling the little bastard, and the last thing you need is for that enabling to be your problem.

Either leave or kick them out, because damn... this is just unacceptable behaviour on both your ladies part, and her sons.

originally posted by: DarkStarRising
Good morning all. I am trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do. Me and my wife have had a rule for the last 18 years that has kept our marriage safer. We decided that it would be best for us if we set up our house hold to where when she is not home no woman is allowed in our house and when I'm not home there where no other men allowed in house. Our friends and family only came by when we were both home.
As of right now our youngest is 21 and still under our roof. A week ago I broke the rule for him to allow his girl friend to come and spend the night at our house. My thank you for this was for this girl to make me extremely uncomfortable as she came straight in our house the first time went straight to his room and changed into a see through nighty and panties. Now I am uncomfortable so I stay in my room most of the day because of this. Then that night they decide it doesn't matter that I'm awake and 15 feet away from them and have sex right in front of me.
I exploded. He disrespected me and my home.
And now I'm being told that it doesn't matter if I'm uncomfortable with the situation that I have no right to say anything because he is 21. I don't want this girl anywhere around me as I am to embarrassed to even look at this girl considering I've seen everything she has. Am I wrong for being uncomfortable and upset. Because so far that's all I've been told. That I shouldn't feel this way and that I'm wrong. Please help me

I just wanted to thank all of you. Your advise has helped a lot. It has even moved my wife a little more over to my side after 3 days of explaining to her why I felt uncomfortable. She has decided at least to give it a week and see how he acts.
He finally managed to piss her off even through her medication for bipolar. It seems that maybe her meds might make her not give a crap about important issues when she is actually taking them every day. She has no filter but at same time she kind of goes a little to relaxed about things sometimes.
I know maybe or situation is a little unorthodox but with our families being like the Hatfield's and mcoys the first three years was a constant barrage of family not keeping there nose out of it. So we went old school and it actually worked for us. After 20 years we are still here and still holding hands. She finally realized last night that our son is attempting to destroy our marriage because he is not happy with us being so close. Cause when me and her are hand in hand we can move mountains. I guess he figures if he separated us he might feel better bout himself or something. All I know is he has been told to see a shrink which he doesn't like but his mother being bipolar herself is not going to let him not go.

Thank you so much again. It seems that reverse psychology is the answer for today. I just won a small battle. Hope the war is over.