I need help everyone please.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

If drugs (including heavy pherma's) and/or violence is/or becomes involved then there are not many options available.
If there is no respect then there can never be any common ground.
You cant reason with a sick mind.
Your obligations are to yourself first, then your wife.
Best of luck.

a reply to: CovertAgenda

Great advice, but his wife is taking her son's side. (guilt perhaps?)

This man/boy is going to tear apart their marriage for starters and sounds like a dangerous person to others (and himself).
The OP needs somebody neutral to know about this situation or it's only going to implode.

Hurting people hurt people. The step-son is hurting, but now he's hurting others.
If this isn't nipped in the bud, he will end up behind bars and Mom & Step-Dad will end up divorced.

Real life can be painful, horrible in fact. I hope there is help available.
jacy

a reply to: DarkStarRising

Your "rule" with the wife is in itself if anything...is highly unusual. Unless of course you and your wife have suspicions based on insecurities and past indiscretions? Marriages are supposed to be rooted in trust with each other...and not in something "may" happen when each is home alone.

In that regard to concerning others...its your house, you pay for it and all that maintains it...and can make your own unbending rules for others. If those others contribute as well...21 or not...they may have some rights.....but not to super-cede yours. Your house, your rules. Respect them or the door is over there.

Still? Respectfully....your whole marriage situation presented here is unusual to say the least (Ive got 45 years experience in more than one marriage, with no issue of trust)...and because of that...anything I may suggest to you would be rooted in practicality and "normal" relations, but yours certainly appears outside that criteria.

Good luck

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkStarRising

DSR...

Listen, this one is both simple and complicated, all at once.

Your solution to the age old trust problem, is bad. You need to trust one another, not create arbitrary rules which hamper normality, so that you can trust one another.

Furthermore, if you have a third adult in the house, it may well be an idea to reign in your rules focus. I am not saying that you ought to do that because having rules is wrong, but I am saying that you are going to damage your sons development, by failing to respect that his needs as a man are at least as important as your desires as a parent, probably a little more so as it happens, but there you go.

On the other hand, his lady ought to have known better than to wear see through clothing around his parents. So there is an awful lot going on here, but please, for the love of all thats good in the world, do not go about thinking you have this parenting thing nailed down. If your walls are thin, and your son has his lady over, go out for the night, you and your wife.

Now, as for the "having sex right in front of me" thing... How, precisely did that come about?

Are you saying that they were in the same room? Was there actual intercourse, or are you being overly dramatic so all the mothers and fathers on the boards will side with you? Did you walk in on them, walk into your sons room without permission to do so, which would make anything you saw your own stupid fault, or what?

As I say, its complicated, because yes, its your house, and therefore its your rules. But you have to understand something. Unless your boy is very lucky, he could end up living at your place for a great deal of time. Money is hard to come by for young people these days, places to live cost more than most young people can afford, and the tendency these days is to live at home well into ones thirties, if not later. Are you suggesting that he should wait until he has moved out of home, before having any sexual intercourse of any kind, no matter how old he gets in between now and being able to afford it? Because if so, I think that would probably count as some sort of violation of human rights law.

You are absolutely right to insist upon some standards, but you need to make sure that your trust issues in your relationship, the shoddy way you have dealt with those issues (the creation of outrageously arbitrary rules, rather than, you know, actually trusting one another), and your unreasonable expectations of your sons ability to make his own nest (which is a functional impossibility for a great many hard working young people all over the developed world, as a result of an economy ruined by people your generation voted for, by the way), do not damage your sons development.

And if you want sense out of him, rather than "I AM 21 NOW DAD, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!", you might want to not walk into his room when he is mid way through the horizontal rumba. Just a thought.

No I'm not being overly dramatic. I am sitting in bed watching news at 10. We live in a small mobile home. The couch is 10 feet from our bed. The left the light on and had sex on the couch (intercourse) 10 feet away. There was no way I could miss what was happening. And then he starts telling me it don't matter that he is 21 and my feelings don't matter because he has a job and I don't because I'm in the process of getting disabled as my back is completely screwed and I will be in a wheel chair soon. So where am I supposed to go and be away from this. When his mother is at work I have no where I can go but out in the yard or lock myself in my time bed room

a reply to: DarkStarRising

The situation is much worse than your OP indicated. I still think it comes down to teaching him how to respect other people's boundaries and wishes. Teaching our kids how to be kind and considerate to the people around them is in my mind the most important lesson. I still think the way to teach him respect is by being respectful yourself. Use softer words in your conversation like "I would prefer". Prefer is a great word. You are telling him what you want but you are not giving him a reason to be rebellious.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

Several people are commenting about your rule of prohibiting the opposite sex from coming over if both you and your wife are not present.

This rule is not weird, or wrong, or a sign of any insecurity or mistrust.

¿ Can't you guys remember that one and two generations ago this rule was the collective social norm in the U.S.?

If a male utility worker or salesman ever came to the door when my father wasn't home, my mother would tell the man to come back later when my father was home. My grandmother did the same thing!

This cultural norm was in-place to prevent the woman from being robbed or raped, and it also ensured that no unnecessary sexual temptations or allegations came into play. This social rule was even respected by guests and friends of the family.

When I am not home and a stranger knocks on the door, my wife does not open the door all the way and does not unhinge the lock chain unless I am home. If they need access to anything, she instructs them to come back when I am home.

Safety first!

a reply to: DarkStarRising

Ah...

This is starting to make a whole heap more sense now.

Well, if that is the case, the lad should have known a damned sight better than to have intercourse within your eyeline, and his chosen lady ought to have been more ladylike. Put another way, if she is prepared to bed a fellow within sight of his parents... shes probably not a lady.

That is a hard situation, and I do not envy you that position either, leave alone the view you must have had *passes the brain bleach*. Can I ask a question?

Is your trailer large enough to permit each member of the "household" to have their own bedroom, with actual walls and a door? If not, the problem is not the attitude of your step-son, although it is A problem. The real problem is that three people who are not intimate partners, should not be living that close together that privacy is impossible, and that situation needs fixing. In that scenario, you should ABSOLUTELY kick him out, and his mother needs to get behind you on that, right away.

Why do I say that? Because he would be a damned sight better off, in terms of learning how to be a man, by being forced to secure himself a trailer, than sit around in yours. Hell, he would be better off building a shanty hut out of tarpaulin and cardboard, than live in THAT close a situation with his mother and yourself. That is simply not healthy for a grown lad. A decent sized apartment? Maybe. A house? Sure. Something on wheels with no walls between bedding areas? Not a hope in hell. That situation has too many Freudian stumbling points in it by a country mile.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

I might just be a cold bastard but it seems like an easy enough fix. He would already be out. Just pack his #.
If an adult of 21 can't respect you in your own house then it's time to go. The end
You don't have to explain or justify and he don't have to understand.

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkStarRising

Ah...

This is starting to make a whole heap more sense now.

Well, if that is the case, the lad should have known a damned sight better than to have intercourse within your eyeline, and his chosen lady ought to have been more ladylike. Put another way, if she is prepared to bed a fellow within sight of his parents... shes probably not a lady.

That is a hard situation, and I do not envy you that position either, leave alone the view you must have had *passes the brain bleach*. Can I ask a question?

Is your trailer large enough to permit each member of the "household" to have their own bedroom, with actual walls and a door? If not, the problem is not the attitude of your step-son, although it is A problem. The real problem is that three people who are not intimate partners, should not be living that close together that privacy is impossible, and that situation needs fixing. In that scenario, you should ABSOLUTELY kick him out, and his mother needs to get behind you on that, right away.

Why do I say that? Because he would be a damned sight better off, in terms of learning how to be a man, by being forced to secure himself a trailer, than sit around in yours. Hell, he would be better off building a shanty hut out of tarpaulin and cardboard, than live in THAT close a situation with his mother and yourself. That is simply not healthy for a grown lad. A decent sized apartment? Maybe. A house? Sure. Something on wheels with no walls between bedding areas? Not a hope in hell. That situation has too many Freudian stumbling points in it by a country mile.

Yes he does have his own small bed room on one end and we have a bed room on the other but they chose the living room couch with the light on knowing full well I was up as I don't sleep at night and most of the time I'm playing a video game or watching a movie while his mother sleeps as she works at 5 am. They knew I was awake as I am always and did it anyway like I wasn't there and when I confronted him I was told it was none of my business because I don't work because of disability. And his mother is letting him get away with it cause she is afraid it will drive him away if we say anything. So she has tied my hands and pretty much said I don't have a choice in the matter that if I don't go pick the stupid girl up for him she will and I'll just have to deal with it anyway.

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkStarRising

Ah...

This is starting to make a whole heap more sense now.

Well, if that is the case, the lad should have known a damned sight better than to have intercourse within your eyeline, and his chosen lady ought to have been more ladylike. Put another way, if she is prepared to bed a fellow within sight of his parents... shes probably not a lady.

That is a hard situation, and I do not envy you that position either, leave alone the view you must have had *passes the brain bleach*. Can I ask a question?

Is your trailer large enough to permit each member of the "household" to have their own bedroom, with actual walls and a door? If not, the problem is not the attitude of your step-son, although it is A problem. The real problem is that three people who are not intimate partners, should not be living that close together that privacy is impossible, and that situation needs fixing. In that scenario, you should ABSOLUTELY kick him out, and his mother needs to get behind you on that, right away.

Why do I say that? Because he would be a damned sight better off, in terms of learning how to be a man, by being forced to secure himself a trailer, than sit around in yours. Hell, he would be better off building a shanty hut out of tarpaulin and cardboard, than live in THAT close a situation with his mother and yourself. That is simply not healthy for a grown lad. A decent sized apartment? Maybe. A house? Sure. Something on wheels with no walls between bedding areas? Not a hope in hell. That situation has too many Freudian stumbling points in it by a country mile.

Yes he does have his own small bed room on one end and we have a bed room on the other but they chose the living room couch with the light on knowing full well I was up as I don't sleep at night and most of the time I'm playing a video game or watching a movie while his mother sleeps as she works at 5 am. They knew I was awake as I am always and did it anyway like I wasn't there and when I confronted him I was told it was none of my business because I don't work because of disability. And his mother is letting him get away with it cause she is afraid it will drive him away if we say anything. So she has tied my hands and pretty much said I don't have a choice in the matter that if I don't go pick the stupid girl up for him she will and I'll just have to deal with it anyway.

So I told her that's fine I'll shut up but the next time it happens I'll just get up and leave. Sleep in my truck. Out in the yard something other than having to deal with it.

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkStarRising

Ah...

This is starting to make a whole heap more sense now.

Well, if that is the case, the lad should have known a damned sight better than to have intercourse within your eyeline, and his chosen lady ought to have been more ladylike. Put another way, if she is prepared to bed a fellow within sight of his parents... shes probably not a lady.

That is a hard situation, and I do not envy you that position either, leave alone the view you must have had *passes the brain bleach*. Can I ask a question?

Is your trailer large enough to permit each member of the "household" to have their own bedroom, with actual walls and a door? If not, the problem is not the attitude of your step-son, although it is A problem. The real problem is that three people who are not intimate partners, should not be living that close together that privacy is impossible, and that situation needs fixing. In that scenario, you should ABSOLUTELY kick him out, and his mother needs to get behind you on that, right away.

Why do I say that? Because he would be a damned sight better off, in terms of learning how to be a man, by being forced to secure himself a trailer, than sit around in yours. Hell, he would be better off building a shanty hut out of tarpaulin and cardboard, than live in THAT close a situation with his mother and yourself. That is simply not healthy for a grown lad. A decent sized apartment? Maybe. A house? Sure. Something on wheels with no walls between bedding areas? Not a hope in hell. That situation has too many Freudian stumbling points in it by a country mile.

Yes he does have his own small bed room on one end and we have a bed room on the other but they chose the living room couch with the light on knowing full well I was up as I don't sleep at night and most of the time I'm playing a video game or watching a movie while his mother sleeps as she works at 5 am. They knew I was awake as I am always and did it anyway like I wasn't there and when I confronted him I was told it was none of my business because I don't work because of disability. And his mother is letting him get away with it cause she is afraid it will drive him away if we say anything. So she has tied my hands and pretty much said I don't have a choice in the matter that if I don't go pick the stupid girl up for him she will and I'll just have to deal with it anyway.

So I told her that's fine I'll shut up but the next time it happens I'll just get up and leave. Sleep in my truck. Out in the yard something other than having to deal with it.

Heck I even asked for a compromise

a reply to: DarkStarRising

rolling over and playing dead is not a good idea. Stand up on your hind legs like a man and put an end to this! Let the three of them go find their own peep-show to live in. When she gets sick of them, she'll come home without him.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

You could make things very uncomfortable while the two of them are there.

Cook something that smells bad. (for me its sauerkraut) yuck

Walk around in your underwear and scratch your crotch right in front of them. If she can walk around half naked then you can too. It's your house. Maybe get all sweaty and sit right by her.

Play annoying music that they may not like. Play it loud

Talk to them constantly about trivial stuff until they are tired of hearing it

I'm sure you can come up with something. At the least they will go to his room. If you are annoying enough the g/f will refuse to come back and your son will start spending more time away to hang out with her somewhere else.

If he complains about how you're acting to his Mom you can just act all innocent and say oh,i didnt mean to offend.

Good luck to you Sir

a reply to: DarkStarRising

This is an extreme piece of advice and I know you won't follow it, but...

I can pretty much guarantee that he won't ever have sex in front of you again if you decide to stand right there in front of them and talk the entire time, critiquing his "assets" and skills, as well as hers. This will cramp his style immensely and the next time, he will want to have sex as far away from you as possible.

a reply to: EchoesInTime

All good ideas and similar to what I was saying. Make them uncomfortable, and they will stop.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

Dude you're the man of the house, tell your wife she Id think would be on your side, tell your son some rules and if they defy you again that she is not allowed back in your jouse.

originally posted by: kaylaluv
a reply to: EchoesInTime

All good ideas and similar to what I was saying. Make them uncomfortable, and they will stop.

That's a good idea too. Yeah, heckle them while they're doing it.

originally posted by: kaylaluv
This is an extreme piece of advice and I know you won't follow it, but...

I can pretty much guarantee that he won't ever have sex in front of you again if you decide to stand right there in front of them and talk the entire time, critiquing his "assets" and skills, as well as hers. This will cramp his style immensely and the next time, he will want to have sex as far away from you as possible.

Orrrrrrrrrrrr, it could, if they are voyeuristic, turn them on big time.

I'm not talking from personal experience if you were curious.

(which you were)

(cause you're naughty)

Then he becomes the most abbusive person I've ever met.

this boy has been claiming to be the anticrist for the last 8 years

He says thing like she is mine even if I have to kill anyone who gets in the way.

Every thing he is doing is a sign of a social disorder and the things he is saying sounds like an abusive sexual predator. And the worst part is he thinks the hole thing is funny and keeps making wise cracks on how he is going to tie her down to the couch next time.

I don't know if you should do something to antagonize an already (what sounds like) a volatile situation.
He seems (from your description) very disturbed and possibly dangerous. I don't know the nature or degree of your disability but, to think he wouldn't become physical may be naive.
Be careful and protect yourself and truly, only you know what you are willing to live with and put up with.
Perhaps, if you receive some sort of stipend from the government you could arrange to go away or move out (friend/family even) for awhile and I don't know...it sounds like everyone needs a break and some time to reevaluate ALL of the relationships?

*Just some thoughts from your added responses...and good luck to you, truly.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

You know me too well.

But seriously, if someone was talking about how small you are, and how that's not how a real man does it, and how unattractive and boooorrring she is, yawn, yawn... that wouldn't bother you just a little?

Well, maybe not you...