It looks like you're using an Ad Blocker.
Please white-list or disable AboveTopSecret.com in your ad-blocking tool.
Thank you.
Some features of ATS will be disabled while you continue to use an ad-blocker.
originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkStarRising
DSR...
Listen, this one is both simple and complicated, all at once.
Your solution to the age old trust problem, is bad. You need to trust one another, not create arbitrary rules which hamper normality, so that you can trust one another.
Furthermore, if you have a third adult in the house, it may well be an idea to reign in your rules focus. I am not saying that you ought to do that because having rules is wrong, but I am saying that you are going to damage your sons development, by failing to respect that his needs as a man are at least as important as your desires as a parent, probably a little more so as it happens, but there you go.
On the other hand, his lady ought to have known better than to wear see through clothing around his parents. So there is an awful lot going on here, but please, for the love of all thats good in the world, do not go about thinking you have this parenting thing nailed down. If your walls are thin, and your son has his lady over, go out for the night, you and your wife.
Now, as for the "having sex right in front of me" thing... How, precisely did that come about?
Are you saying that they were in the same room? Was there actual intercourse, or are you being overly dramatic so all the mothers and fathers on the boards will side with you? Did you walk in on them, walk into your sons room without permission to do so, which would make anything you saw your own stupid fault, or what?
As I say, its complicated, because yes, its your house, and therefore its your rules. But you have to understand something. Unless your boy is very lucky, he could end up living at your place for a great deal of time. Money is hard to come by for young people these days, places to live cost more than most young people can afford, and the tendency these days is to live at home well into ones thirties, if not later. Are you suggesting that he should wait until he has moved out of home, before having any sexual intercourse of any kind, no matter how old he gets in between now and being able to afford it? Because if so, I think that would probably count as some sort of violation of human rights law.
You are absolutely right to insist upon some standards, but you need to make sure that your trust issues in your relationship, the shoddy way you have dealt with those issues (the creation of outrageously arbitrary rules, rather than, you know, actually trusting one another), and your unreasonable expectations of your sons ability to make his own nest (which is a functional impossibility for a great many hard working young people all over the developed world, as a result of an economy ruined by people your generation voted for, by the way), do not damage your sons development.
And if you want sense out of him, rather than "I AM 21 NOW DAD, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!", you might want to not walk into his room when he is mid way through the horizontal rumba. Just a thought.
originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkStarRising
Ah...
This is starting to make a whole heap more sense now.
Well, if that is the case, the lad should have known a damned sight better than to have intercourse within your eyeline, and his chosen lady ought to have been more ladylike. Put another way, if she is prepared to bed a fellow within sight of his parents... shes probably not a lady.
That is a hard situation, and I do not envy you that position either, leave alone the view you must have had *passes the brain bleach*. Can I ask a question?
Is your trailer large enough to permit each member of the "household" to have their own bedroom, with actual walls and a door? If not, the problem is not the attitude of your step-son, although it is A problem. The real problem is that three people who are not intimate partners, should not be living that close together that privacy is impossible, and that situation needs fixing. In that scenario, you should ABSOLUTELY kick him out, and his mother needs to get behind you on that, right away.
Why do I say that? Because he would be a damned sight better off, in terms of learning how to be a man, by being forced to secure himself a trailer, than sit around in yours. Hell, he would be better off building a shanty hut out of tarpaulin and cardboard, than live in THAT close a situation with his mother and yourself. That is simply not healthy for a grown lad. A decent sized apartment? Maybe. A house? Sure. Something on wheels with no walls between bedding areas? Not a hope in hell. That situation has too many Freudian stumbling points in it by a country mile.
originally posted by: DarkStarRising
originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkStarRising
Ah...
This is starting to make a whole heap more sense now.
Well, if that is the case, the lad should have known a damned sight better than to have intercourse within your eyeline, and his chosen lady ought to have been more ladylike. Put another way, if she is prepared to bed a fellow within sight of his parents... shes probably not a lady.
That is a hard situation, and I do not envy you that position either, leave alone the view you must have had *passes the brain bleach*. Can I ask a question?
Is your trailer large enough to permit each member of the "household" to have their own bedroom, with actual walls and a door? If not, the problem is not the attitude of your step-son, although it is A problem. The real problem is that three people who are not intimate partners, should not be living that close together that privacy is impossible, and that situation needs fixing. In that scenario, you should ABSOLUTELY kick him out, and his mother needs to get behind you on that, right away.
Why do I say that? Because he would be a damned sight better off, in terms of learning how to be a man, by being forced to secure himself a trailer, than sit around in yours. Hell, he would be better off building a shanty hut out of tarpaulin and cardboard, than live in THAT close a situation with his mother and yourself. That is simply not healthy for a grown lad. A decent sized apartment? Maybe. A house? Sure. Something on wheels with no walls between bedding areas? Not a hope in hell. That situation has too many Freudian stumbling points in it by a country mile.
Yes he does have his own small bed room on one end and we have a bed room on the other but they chose the living room couch with the light on knowing full well I was up as I don't sleep at night and most of the time I'm playing a video game or watching a movie while his mother sleeps as she works at 5 am. They knew I was awake as I am always and did it anyway like I wasn't there and when I confronted him I was told it was none of my business because I don't work because of disability. And his mother is letting him get away with it cause she is afraid it will drive him away if we say anything. So she has tied my hands and pretty much said I don't have a choice in the matter that if I don't go pick the stupid girl up for him she will and I'll just have to deal with it anyway.
originally posted by: DarkStarRising
originally posted by: DarkStarRising
originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkStarRising
Ah...
This is starting to make a whole heap more sense now.
Well, if that is the case, the lad should have known a damned sight better than to have intercourse within your eyeline, and his chosen lady ought to have been more ladylike. Put another way, if she is prepared to bed a fellow within sight of his parents... shes probably not a lady.
That is a hard situation, and I do not envy you that position either, leave alone the view you must have had *passes the brain bleach*. Can I ask a question?
Is your trailer large enough to permit each member of the "household" to have their own bedroom, with actual walls and a door? If not, the problem is not the attitude of your step-son, although it is A problem. The real problem is that three people who are not intimate partners, should not be living that close together that privacy is impossible, and that situation needs fixing. In that scenario, you should ABSOLUTELY kick him out, and his mother needs to get behind you on that, right away.
Why do I say that? Because he would be a damned sight better off, in terms of learning how to be a man, by being forced to secure himself a trailer, than sit around in yours. Hell, he would be better off building a shanty hut out of tarpaulin and cardboard, than live in THAT close a situation with his mother and yourself. That is simply not healthy for a grown lad. A decent sized apartment? Maybe. A house? Sure. Something on wheels with no walls between bedding areas? Not a hope in hell. That situation has too many Freudian stumbling points in it by a country mile.
Yes he does have his own small bed room on one end and we have a bed room on the other but they chose the living room couch with the light on knowing full well I was up as I don't sleep at night and most of the time I'm playing a video game or watching a movie while his mother sleeps as she works at 5 am. They knew I was awake as I am always and did it anyway like I wasn't there and when I confronted him I was told it was none of my business because I don't work because of disability. And his mother is letting him get away with it cause she is afraid it will drive him away if we say anything. So she has tied my hands and pretty much said I don't have a choice in the matter that if I don't go pick the stupid girl up for him she will and I'll just have to deal with it anyway.
So I told her that's fine I'll shut up but the next time it happens I'll just get up and leave. Sleep in my truck. Out in the yard something other than having to deal with it.
originally posted by: kaylaluv
a reply to: EchoesInTime
All good ideas and similar to what I was saying. Make them uncomfortable, and they will stop.
originally posted by: kaylaluv
This is an extreme piece of advice and I know you won't follow it, but...
I can pretty much guarantee that he won't ever have sex in front of you again if you decide to stand right there in front of them and talk the entire time, critiquing his "assets" and skills, as well as hers. This will cramp his style immensely and the next time, he will want to have sex as far away from you as possible.
Then he becomes the most abbusive person I've ever met.
this boy has been claiming to be the anticrist for the last 8 years
He says thing like she is mine even if I have to kill anyone who gets in the way.
Every thing he is doing is a sign of a social disorder and the things he is saying sounds like an abusive sexual predator. And the worst part is he thinks the hole thing is funny and keeps making wise cracks on how he is going to tie her down to the couch next time.