At the brinck of separation.

I have been troubled with a dire situation since I changed my job 3 years ago. Before I took up the new position, I was working as an external technician for just about 20 years; wold wide. We have been married for 22 years and have a son now 20 years old. My wife has always been looking after our son whilst I was working abroad. My absence from the home was normally between 5 and 15 days; hardly any longer. Of course, we had often discussions that it would be better if I was working domestically and no need to travel so that I could play a more active role in our son's upbringing. However, I always thought, that because of my work, we could enjoy a slightly better life and have our own home that we achieved about 10 years ago. Eventually, all the travelling took its toll and 3 years ago I changed my job, working as an internal technician for a large manufacturing company.

I have always been a keen squash player and I still enjoy the thrill of it on a weekly basis. Just about the same time I changed my job I also started to play in a nearby squash club. There are male and female players with different skill levels and we play each other on a social note, competitiveness comes second. Initially, I went to the club on my own and later my wife would join me- sometimes she would also play but mostly accompanied me as a spectator. As already mentioned, there were ladies and for whatever reason, my wife was suspecting that I was having an affair with one particular lady. In my wife's eyes, I have exchanged some smiles with the lady while I was either playing with her or when the lady was sitting outside watching me play someone else. At the courts, my wife never said anything and not even on the way home. Often, my wife would mention her observations weeks later and always insists that I was having an affair with that lady. By the way, I have stopped going to that particular squash club more than 2 years ago and play my squash now elsewhere.
However, my wife still insists that I had an affair and that it is still active. I cannot prove that it did never happen but I know that I never ever had an affair with that particular lady nor any other lady whatsoever. True, I might have exchanged some smiles with that lady but I also smiled to others without any amorous intentions whatsoever.
From then on, my wife started to gather "evidence" that would lead to my "conviction". She checked the mileage on my car, my time sheet from the company etc. etc. etc. She also insisted that I had a secret e-mail account, mentioning that I was always taking my mobile where ever I went, checking my expenditure and the like. Most of the "evidence" I was able to proof wrong but my wife would not accept my explanations. I must admit, that my time sheet did not, in a very few cases, correspond with the time sheet. Out of habit, having been sort of "free" for such a long time, I would go for a coffee without telling my wife which, in hindsight, was anything but good manner. Again, I have never gone with anyone else - colleagues, lady(s). For me, impossible to prove otherwise. I believe that many things in daily live cannot always be proven to have happend or not but that to a certain extent, mutual trust also plays a vital role in a relationship. My wife has seen professionals such as psychiatrist, marriage counselor, family counselor and others. I have also accompanied her at some sessions but so far, nothing has really helped to put these allegations against me to rest. I have also offered to confront this lady and ask her about the so called affair. Unfortunately, my wife believes that this would not help since I could have set the whole story up and that the lady would definitely deny that there was something-she will confront the lady when she sees fit.

In a nutshell, my wife wants to leave me of something that did never happen.

Standby to be blamed for everything, and also to be told that your wife's "intuition" meant that you were having an affair, or were giving it serious consideration.

May I ask your age? I'm guessing maybe mid 40s?
Maybe your wife, as she ages, doesn't feel as attractive anymore and fears you're "shopping around" for a younger model, so to speak. You've gone out of your way to prove you're not having an affair, but have you put as much effort into showing you love her?
Start taking her out to dinner, go dancing, movies, invest time in her. Show her she is still the love of your life.

a reply to: Nyberg




This:

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. The test implies that a person can identify an unknown subject by observing that subject's habitual characteristics.


I know of several women who have believed things told to them, and when

the truth finally came out it was unbelievably worse .......

just saying.....

a reply to: Nyberg

First, welcome to the site new member!
Hopefully, you will find many topics of interest and if you like to read (that would be me) you should be busy for quite some time
My first thoughts in reading your story are that is it possible that your wife is suffering with some sort of depression? Maybe she is looking for an 'excuse to end it'. Perhaps the dynamic has changed so greatly, with you being home now, that the relationship (that it is now) is no longer something that she desires. You've mentioned that she's been to the Doctor so...perhaps whatever she was seeking treatment for as reared it's ugly head again.

Out of habit, having been sort of "free" for such a long time, I would go for a coffee without telling my wife which, in hindsight, was anything but good manner. Again, I have never gone with anyone else - colleagues, lady(s)

I don't know how these actions would equal a conviction of wrong doing on your part. I've never understood this line of thinking in some relationships (perhaps why I am unsuccessful LOL). People are going to do what they are going to do if they are under another's thumb or not.
If you are being completely honest in your OP then I would hope that you and your wife should try to get to the root of the problem of why she doesn't trust you or creates these scenarios in her head and if you all want to stay together and try to work through the issues.
Some people often celebrate longevity in marriage and relationships and if both parties are happy and content then I celebrate it as well but, although it's sad, if two people are no longer healthy together or in love or whatever...sometimes it's time to let it go.
I wish you both the best of luck!
Life can be quite the roller coaster ride can't it?

a reply to: Nyberg

Hey Nyberg!

I'm sorry about your situation...there's nothing worse than being accused of something you're not doing. (I know.)

I've had a husband who worked out of town in the past, and unfortunately absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. The wife learns to adjust to being a mostly single parent and when Daddy is home it can almost seem like a disruption to the general flow of life that she's become accustomed to.

It's really hard for a woman because so many men do play like they're single when they're away from home.
Mine did, and eventually it ended the marriage.

As women get older they DO feel less attractive (in many cases) and the jealousy can be really painful. But being accused when you're not doing anything wrong is awful and it's hard to change the mindset of somebody who is having tunnel vision.

If you really want to save this, invest some time and energy in reconnecting with your wife. Small things can mean a lot and she's likely feeling "disconnected" to you after so much time apart. If she keeps insisting you're a cheat, then I'm sorry. You can deny from sun up to sun down and still not redeem yourself if her mind is closed.

I hope this is just a temporary glitch that you can both work past. Good for you for reaching out, but be careful what advice you follow. Do what feels right for you, you know her better than we do.
Wishing you a peaceful resolution,
jacy

That sounds rough, I would find it hard to be with someone who didn't trust me.

a reply to: Nyberg
Trust I may be so bold to say ... Sounds like she may have a guilty conscious...
You were away often in the past, and since you've back, she knew what evidence to look for....
Time to reverse the situation maybe?
Don't know you or her more than what you've posted, so hope I'm incorrect in my assumption. Good Luck.

a reply to: CovertAgenda

Sadly, that was my first thought reading the OP, She doth protest too much.

originally posted by: Nyberg
In a nutshell, my wife wants to leave me of something that did never happen.

I don't want to be a douche but using the words "that did" is kind of a Freudian slip. Assuming you did not do it, your wife then has some serious trust issues. Maybe it will all turn out to be blessing. I'm on my second wife and much happier. The first one had some serious baggage and there was only room for the baggage.

a reply to: stosh64

While I hate to agree with you and CovertAgenda...a therapist once told me "A suspicious mind is a guilty mind".

Having said that, the one who constantly was accusing me...was indeed cheating on me.

Something to keep in mind, sadly.
jacy

a reply to: jacygirl


Agreed Jacy, its sad to look at it that way, but that scenario has proven true for me in the distant past as well.

For the OP's sake I hope this is not the case and that it is in both of their interests to work it out.

I can't imagine going through something like this at this point in my life. Been together 28yrs and married 25.

Still each others best friends, I am Blessed.

a reply to: stosh64

Aww, that's lovely stosh...you are indeed Blessed.

A woman whose man is away from home a lot can easily get herself into the idea that he must be cheating. Social media (media itself actually) glorifies cheating, trading in your partner for a new improved version, etc. etc.

People don't respect the boundaries of marriage anymore and a ring on your finger won't stop some from still trying to 'have a fling'. It all comes down to the individual, and how committed they are to their partner.
(if a husband has a pretty high sex drive normally, a wife will worry about his activities when he's away)

We could be wrong, but you and I have both apparently been through this with similar results. Hopefully a little love and romance can bring the OP and his wife back together. It's truly heart-breaking to find out you've been loving someone who is not faithful.
jacy

a reply to: Nyberg

Maybe

www.youtube.com...

originally posted by: jacygirl
a reply to: stosh64

While I hate to agree with you and CovertAgenda...a therapist once told me "A suspicious mind is a guilty mind".

Having said that, the one who constantly was accusing me...was indeed cheating on me.

Something to keep in mind, sadly.
jacy

wow the exact same thing happened to me once.

originally posted by: weirdguy

originally posted by: jacygirl
a reply to: stosh64

While I hate to agree with you and CovertAgenda...a therapist once told me "A suspicious mind is a guilty mind".

Having said that, the one who constantly was accusing me...was indeed cheating on me.

Something to keep in mind, sadly.
jacy

wow the exact same thing happened to me once.

I'm sorry to hear that.
It's not hard to figure out, really.
The other person knows how their own mind works...what they are capable of doing, or what they have done or would do.

They automatically assume that everybody is like them.
It doesn't matter how true-blue faithful you are, if they are capable of cheating on someone, they assume you are too.

Not good. Not healthy.
jacy

a reply to: jacygirl

That is a great quote. I will add that one to my list.

a reply to: jacygirl
Maybe time for a bit of this....

And if that doesn't help and all is lost then play her this....

originally posted by: dfnj2015
a reply to: jacygirl

That is a great quote. I will add that one to my list.

Yes, please add that one!
I have remembered it for years and it has always proven true!


CovertAgenda...Best Elvis song ever!! There is nothing as soul-crushing as being accused of a crime that you're not committing. Some people just are not the type to cheat while in a relationship.
Too bad so many others can't see our inner morals and standards.
jacy

a reply to: jacygirl
Agreed.... I never quite understood the cheating thing. One of my mantras has always been quality over quantity.

Too bad so many others can't see our inner morals and standards.

If that happened I think business , politics, and society would collapse almost immediately...LOL
(had to put the FZ vid in there just to keep perspectives balanced...lol)