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I have a question for you ladies......

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posted on Apr, 22 2017 @ 10:54 PM
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I've been meaning to write this for a awhile, just didn't get around to it because, well, I don't discuss my personal life very much, so....
But, after thinking about it, I'd really like to get the advice of some of you ladies out there.
Face it guys, no matter how old you are, they are still a mystery to us.

Now, here's where I need the female view of the situation...
Some of you may know that my wife of almost 20 years and I got divorced a while back......only we didn't. I didn't want the divorce and told her " If you want it, you get the paperwork together and I'll sign it". And I meant it. Before she moved out, I made it clear I wanted to try and save the marriage and if there were to be a divorce, I would not lift a finger to help. In Illinois, a couple has to live apart for a year and you can also, if it's an agreed upon divorce, fill out your own paperwork, submit it to the court and if everyone is in agreement, the judge signs it and it's done.
It's been a bit over 2 years and she hasn't tried to even begin. She hasn't gotten the papers, hasn't even looked into how to get them as far as I know and always comes up with an excuse why she hasn't. The papers cost about $150 and she'll say she doesn't have the money..... but she just went and bought a $300 fish tank and them more for the fish to put in it. I know for a fact that for the last 2 years, she got several thousand back from taxes....but still...no papers. Some of the stuff she does has me scratching my head at times. She'll text me about having a rough night at work or something else,, just out of the blue. If it had something to do with the kids, I could understand, but just casual conversation?

She has a live in boyfriend, so it's not like she doesn't have someone to complain to. He's cheated on her [ which is ironic and funny at the same time, because that's part of what caused the divorce ] and they fight quite a bit from what my daughter tells me. She also says he's very immature, whines when he doesn't get his way and cries and rambles when he's drunk...which is often. He has a friend that comes over, they get drunk and stoned, then wind up in a huge argument every time. His friend is 40 and still lives at home, doesn't work and is a serious stoner. He also spends quite a bit of his paycheck on weed. He helps with bills, but his wants and comforts seem to be his first priority.
No, I don't ask, it's just that my daughter can't stand him, so she tells me about all the stupid sh** he does.
She will also text and ask if we [ my son and I ] would like some lasagna, tacos, food in general, which I can see doing because my son still lives with me and the food is mostly for him, but there are many little things she does that you just wouldn't do for an ex.
Here's the question : What the hell? I mean, I have my own ideas about what's going on in her head, but I'd really appreciate your take on this. Feel free to ask questions if there's anything you need to know.




posted on Apr, 22 2017 @ 11:09 PM
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a reply to: DAVID64

Maybe she realized that she made a big mistake and ether her pride wont let here or she just can't find away out . That boyfriend of hers sounds like an emotional child and those kinds of people will manipulate her into thinking things like if I kick him out he might kill himself and that would be my fault. Or and this is rare he might be threatening her life if she kicks him out. More than likely it's the former and she just has a good heart and doesn't want to hurt him. At the same time she doesn't want what she has now to be her life and not signing those papers in her mind means she still has options.



posted on Apr, 22 2017 @ 11:19 PM
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You are a freaking idiot, trust me. Do it yourself. Cut off all ties and move on. She is just dragging this out and making you miserable.
Sorry to be so harsh, but I have been through it and seen others go through it.

MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.





posted on Apr, 22 2017 @ 11:23 PM
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a reply to: scraedtosleep

That's sort of my idea.. She is a very needy [ attention needy ] type person and the cause for the cheating and eventual separation, was that she said wasn't getting enough attention. Seriously. I don't drink, so I wasn't out at the bars all night, or always going out with the guys, I'm a disabled, stay at home Dad for the last 12 years, I'm always at home, so how she thought she wasn't getting attention is beyond me. If she has any delusions that she has options, she needs to get that out of her head. She burned those bridges and I could never, ever trust her again.



posted on Apr, 22 2017 @ 11:27 PM
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a reply to: Groot

I've moved on and it's not making me miserable. I'm not pining for her or have any desire to get back together, it's just a puzzle to me why she would drag this out.
I'm actually enjoying being single again. I go where I want, if I want, when I want and it's "me time" all the time.



posted on Apr, 22 2017 @ 11:34 PM
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a reply to: DAVID64

I apologize for my post,

You really need to get legally divorced.

Maybe the reason she hasn't done anything is because she thinks that maybe she doesn't no what she wants and you are her fall back plan.





posted on Apr, 22 2017 @ 11:36 PM
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Hate to say this: a lot of times a woman doesn't even understand why she does the things she does. Part of her might think she's gotten herself into a pickle and there's no way out. She might unconsciously be holding onto you, and still loves you in a way - afterall, you were together 20 years and have children together. She may have been unhappy, but didn't realize that the problem was she was unhappy with herself, not you. She just brought her unhappiness with her. She may have even thought this new guy could be what she needed; now that she has him, she's still not happy.

We are complicated beings, I have to admit. We run on pure emotion, which can change at a moments notice. Sorry if this was no help, but until she can live in her own skin she'll just keep repeating her behavior.



posted on Apr, 22 2017 @ 11:37 PM
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a reply to: Groot

lol Nooope. She burnt those bridges and there is no going back. Just as revenge, I'd like to think she believes she made a huge mistake and finally realized she screwed up....and there's not a thing she can do about it.

Karma is a bitch and from what I can tell, it's come back to bite her in the ass hard.



posted on Apr, 22 2017 @ 11:49 PM
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I was going to give you the perspective from a woman on woman divorce after 15 years, I being in the same boat as you, the one cheated on, but I had just read this and am on my way out the door for work so no time.

After reading your last comment though, I am curious about something. If those bridges have been truely burned, why don't you just go ahead with the paperwork? It is just a matter of pride that you said in the beginning you wouldn't? Or, you have a sliver of hope yourself?



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 12:39 AM
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originally posted by: DAVID64
a reply to: scraedtosleep

That's sort of my idea.. She is a very needy [ attention needy ] type person and the cause for the cheating and eventual separation, was that she said wasn't getting enough attention. Seriously. I don't drink, so I wasn't out at the bars all night, or always going out with the guys, I'm a disabled, stay at home Dad for the last 12 years, I'm always at home, so how she thought she wasn't getting attention is beyond me. If she has any delusions that she has options, she needs to get that out of her head. She burned those bridges and I could never, ever trust her again.


I would say you've figured it out---she's needy. Some of us are. Is she approaching the age where menopause could be starting? The weird hormone imbalances that can bring on are often the cause of women's strange evil side showing up.

I understand you've moved on but you really, really should move on legally as well. For your own protection. Draw up the papers and ask her to sign them. Give them to her on July 4th. Believe me, I've seen some royal messes created in these situations. Do you want her, as your legal next-of-kin to be making decisions for you if you become incapacitated?

Kudos to you for moving on and finding joy after a bad patch.



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 02:14 AM
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You need to learn how to protect yourself. Being disabled can make you feel vulnerable. Put on your armor and go file for divorce-today-just do it.

She's a user and you know it. She doesn't love you-she's already replaced you. You need to completely remove yourself from her, physically, emotionally, mentally and get psychological help-you can't let go-maybe because you feel no one else will care about you but she doesn't.

Tomorrow-do the paperwork-get her served-no more talking-make new, mentally healthy friends-join groups-maybe move away.

Your life depends on it.

I've been divorced for 15 years-never remarried or lived with another man so know what I'm talking about. So happy to be out of that 20 year trainwreck.
edit on 23-4-2017 by Justso because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 02:31 AM
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So she went through a mid life crisis and is now in a miserable place.....well....she will eventually pull herself out of that and when she does it will be when she cheats on this new guy with another guy.,...in the meantime, get legally divorced, and do it NOW ! If something happens to you, she will inherit all of her husbands things ,property, bank accounts, etc....and sounds like the druggie mooch boyfriend will use it all up....be smart and make a will ....put your monetary things into a trust fund for your kids......also, one thing you haven't thought of , is if she gets into a car wreck and injures another person ( or something like,that ) she's still your wife . You can be sued . And there are lawyers who will go after you because you are married to her . The condition she's in and life style she's living she is a a liability to you.....sorry to say, but you need to think of you and your child.....and not wondering what female state of mind she is in . She left you, she made her choice, and by not divorcing her you are making it easy for her and her boyfriend to get all of your money, and property, when you die.
edit on 23-4-2017 by Meldionne1 because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 04:26 AM
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originally posted by: DAVID64
Some of you may know that my wife of almost 20 years and I got divorced a while back......only we didn't. I didn't want the divorce and told her " If you want it, you get the paperwork together and I'll sign it". And I meant it. Before she moved out, I made it clear I wanted to try and save the marriage and if there were to be a divorce, I would not lift a finger to help. In Illinois, a couple has to live apart for a year and you can also, if it's an agreed upon divorce, fill out your own paperwork, submit it to the court and if everyone is in agreement, the judge signs it and it's done.


^^^^^this^^^^ is very untidy you need to clean up.... take note of the post

above by meldionne1 which is very good advice!

You are both jogging along in 'indecisive comfort' getting nowhere so your'e

actually living in a sort of limbo, each refusing to be the excutioner of the

already dead marriage?



She has a live in boyfriend, so it's not like she doesn't have someone to complain to. He's cheated on her [ which is ironic and funny at the same time, because that's part of what caused the divorce ] and they fight quite a bit from what my daughter tells me. She also says he's very immature, whines when he doesn't get his way and cries and rambles when he's drunk...which is often. He has a friend that comes over, they get drunk and stoned, then wind up in a huge argument every time. His friend is 40 and still lives at home, doesn't work and is a serious stoner. He also spends quite a bit of his paycheck on weed. He helps with bills, but his wants and comforts seem to be his first priority.
No, I don't ask, it's just that my daughter can't stand him, so she tells me about all the stupid sh** he does.


However hopeless a situation children always live in hopes of reconciliation

of the two people they love......and tell each parent what they think that they

want to hear!!.....don't listen!!!!!



Here's the question : What the hell? I mean, I have my own ideas about what's going on in her head, but I'd really appreciate your take on this. Feel free to ask questions if there's anything you need to know.



Re read meldionne1 post.



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 05:33 AM
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Your statement that women are a mystery to all men is as an inaccurate statement as I have heard from you to date. How many more times must I say this; do not under any circumstances solicit and take advice about women from women. Disregard what women say and instead pay very close attention to what they do.



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 06:30 AM
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a reply to: onehuman

It's a matter of principle. I will be damned if I do it for her. You have no idea how stubborn I can be. I went through hell, trying time after time to save the marriage, only to have it thrown back in my face. I will not spend money out of my pocket to give her what she said she wanted.
If she thinks she screwed up and keeping her options open, she's in for a Hell of a surprise.



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 06:54 AM
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a reply to: Meldionne1



So she went through a mid life crisis


That is exactly what I was thinking. She was only 40, but early menopause runs in her family, plus some surgery she had made have also contributed to the early onset. She went from a sweet loving person to.....I don't know how to explain it. Jekyll and Hyde comes to mind.



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 07:25 AM
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a reply to: DAVID64

I dunno David if it's a 'woman' type character issue only, I think it's more a 'why do people do what they do?' issue.
When my children's father moved out-permanently- (after being together for over 20 years) it certainly was difficult in the sense that I wouldn't see one of my best friends anymore. I'm not close to my family, only his. I truly couldn't stay angry at him or his new girlfriends. People need/want/feel what they do. It was a sort of relief, actually to be able to put it all out there and no longer have to 'pretend' to save face. I still took care of him, he was present (sort of) for our daughters, I did/do his grocery shopping, paid his bills, attended to his medical type needs etc. We talked nearly everyday, I am still his confidant and closest advisor.

He simply does not love me romantically anymore and seeks 'something else'...maybe he will find it or become who he wants to be. I think his health issues had him facing his own mortality (he was 45 when he left) in a way he never had before...sort of a mid life crisis, if you will.

There won't be a formal divorce until my youngest is of age (She'll be 18 next year). Divorce is expensive, complicated and issues of child support and who gets what etc can be worked out without the courts being involved.

He's gotten himself in a bind and moved back in. It's not a reconciliation, just a friend helping a friend over a hump.

So this anecdotal post is my way of throwing some ideas your way as to why she may be behaving the way that she is. Perhaps she just feels a closeness to you. Having children together creates a bond that is unlike any other. The lengths that we will go to for our children, I could never hurt their father.
We are all just human, driven by emotions and some are quite fickle. Perhaps she is simply trying to maintain the lines of communication because the alternative (angry resentful and negativity) isn't going to do either of you or your child/children any good in the long run.

Thanks in advance for reading and allowing me to share my thoughts. Good luck to all of you.
Song lyrics entered my head
"as we go down this unfamiliar road
I know this wave is stringing us along
just know you're not alone"



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 01:13 PM
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originally posted by: DAVID64
a reply to: onehuman

It's a matter of principle. I will be damned if I do it for her. You have no idea how stubborn I can be. I went through hell, trying time after time to save the marriage, only to have it thrown back in my face. I will not spend money out of my pocket to give her what she said she wanted.
If she thinks she screwed up and keeping her options open, she's in for a Hell of a surprise.


Dude, I AM a woman, and *I* have no idea what she's thinking. As far as I can tell, she doesn't seem to have any kind of thought process at all.

Do you know who she reminds me of?

She reminds me of my high school ex who broke up with me, told me we needed to see other people, and was all about moving on with *his* life, even dating other people ... right up until I did the same. All of a sudden he was back in my dorm room threatening to commit suicide if I didn't take him back.

Yep. I cut that off right there and never looked back.

I think you should do the same. She's living what she thinks she wants with you in her back pocket. She's confident you aren't going anywhere. You need to go.



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 02:42 PM
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originally posted by: DAVID64
a reply to: onehuman

1. "It's a matter of principle. I will be damned if I do it for her. "


2. "I will not spend money out of my pocket to give her what she said she wanted."


3. "If she thinks she screwed up and keeping her options open, she's in for a Hell of a surprise."



1. It's not a matter of principal, it's a matter of you doing for YOU and your KIDS...no one can heal, move on, grow up until you finalize lose ends .

2. You are giving her exactly what she wants...her cake and to eat it too...by not legally divorcing she will get all of your stuff when you die.she doesn't want the divorce, she wants your money, bank accounts, property, social security benefits, estate...etc.....you've fallen for the classic bitter mid life crisis scheme.

3. Um...no....you will be the one surprised when you are sued by someone for her actions....when she does something dumb like.... a bad car accident, DUI , or boyfriend has accident while stone and drivingher car ,.....or she becomes desperate and , drains your bank account, screws up your credit, takes a loan out with your name on it, or a loan out with your property as collateral...., etc... . You are still legally bound to her .

4. By being stubborn and not doing the right thing, you will screw yourself. .....plain and simple......I realize It's hard to do the right thing when we we feel jilted...... BUT....swallow your pride .. ...cover your ass.....be an adult and do the right thing. Finalize the lose ends, get a divorce....Set an example for your kids.


edit on 23-4-2017 by Meldionne1 because: Format



posted on Apr, 23 2017 @ 02:57 PM
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Your daughters perception is perhaps not the best for you to rely on.

She is going to feel a natural desire to show fidelity to you, and make a point of rejecting him. That's unavoidable. I don't think she is lying, but she might sort of be exagerrating slightly, or simply seeing faults and mistakes magnified.

We all could be painted rather negatively under such a magnifying glass.

But as for your ex...I doubt strangers on the net can definitively describe what is going on in her heart and mind. But if you just want to throw out a net for possibilities to keep in mind, here's something -

Sometimes women don't make a clear cut choice in life. I mean, I always found it difficult to switch from love into total lack of care for a man. Even if I didn't want to share a romantic life together, I still felt that it was a person I knew intimately and so, could not cease caring about from one day to the next.

When younger, I was guilty of trying to stay good friends with ex boyfriends for this reason. I say "guilty" now because I am older and know now that in most of those cases, I was not doing them any good. They were taking my friendly affection as a sign there was hope for us together again. I was making their pain last longer. -exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do.

There's lots of jokes about men not understanding women, but I found in my life that women have just as much trouble understanding men. We sometimes have no idea how we impact men in our lives. Especially since men aren't always so willing to share verbally what they feel, misunderstandings can go on for a long time....




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