Epilogue: And it's a happy ending!!!
Friends, I definitely stretched my comfort zone in sharing this personal, deep-rooted and core emotional story with you, but I am now so glad I did..
I thought the OP was THE END but lo and behold there is an Epilogue which is beautiful and redemptive! To hell and back to paradise in 4 days, and I
have to share the lovely ending to my sad tale.
Do you believe in coincidences? By that, I mean the literal interpretation (I think-without looking it up, but going by the root words) of two or
more events occuring at the same time. No meaning, deeper symbolism or purpose behind them aside from the temporal link.
Well I don't. I have to say, I am "symbol minded".
I do believe there is reason and I pay attention when obvious coincidences arise in my life.
When I pay attention, I always come out the other side a lighter, happier person and this is no exception.
I have to take you to hell first in order to fully describe this short but transformative journey. A few details I neglected in my OP may show you a
bit clearer why I cannot ignore this strange and wonderful event in my life.
I pretty much described how I found out that my first love had been murdered in the first post. I found a letter randomly. It spoke directly to me,
with a profound message that I couldn't ignore. This compelled me to look online and find a slew of articles with his exact name (middle and all) as
the victim of a terrible fatal crime.
What I left out of the OP was the most painful, horrific thing I could imagine. The first article I clicked on displayed, first thing, a still from a
surveillance cam. Two (out of three of his murderers) were entering an office room at the upper left of the shot. They were absolutely terrifying
looking. One was carrying a hammer, huge, dressed all in black and had his face covered the other's head was bare and I could see his face. He had a
gun leveled at a figure in the bottom left of the screen. (I am sorry, it is too terrible please remember there is light at the end). In the bottom
left you can see a man (my first love) entering the shot from behind a cubicle wall. His hands are up.
Yes, this was a still from the moment before he was brutally assaulted and left for dead. I'm sorry I can't sugar coat it.. can you imagine his
here I must interject another amazing coincidence-I told you his nickname was Kro- we both made references to the movie at the time
because he bore a striking resemblance to Brandon Lee in The Crow.. well when I heard the horrific news, I had on the screen of my computer the
goodreads critique of the comic book. Weird. Especially if you know anything about the movie.
Now perhaps you can understand part of the magnitude of this event in my life. I had to hide some of my pain from my amazing, loving (sexy.. sorry if
tmi but you have to understand I am very happily married) husband because he didn't understand. I reached out to you ATS and you were wonderful. I
mooned, listened to old music, trying to make sense of the events that led him there (a bit of research revealed he was going down a very dangerous
path. He had aquired a very bad habit which does major damage to people) and read a few of his old letters.
Now for the amazing light at the end of the tunnel, and the lessons I learned from what I truly believe was a message from a dead loved one. Imagine
the implications if true.. and if not true, then who cares? The message was still recieved loud and clear regardless of the sender
Sheye, you were not the only person to mention or wonder what I was meant to get out of learning about this random horrific event that cut a man's
(someone who was at one time my whole world) life short before his 39th birthday. Well this was also in the back of my head while I was going through
the excruciating pains that sometimes accompany new growth.
I didn't see a reason. I was a mess inside and keeping it together outside. I realized that I had a mass of unsettled and raw emotions regarding my
first love and losing him etc.. this led me back to reading a few of his letters (yes I have a box of momentos oh well I'm glad I kept them) and
getting the incredible music therapy I needed. If you don't know me well on this site yet, I love music deeply. One of his old letters to me
mentioned the song "Time" by Pink Floyd (I have always loved Floyd.. since my childhood). He asked me to send him the lyrics. Well of course I
looked them up:
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.
So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.
Every year is getting shorter; never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.
Home Home again
I like to be here
When I can
When I come home
Cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones
Beside the fire
Across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spell
Well this spoke directly to me because I have been in a major funk. My dad is in chemo. He's 75. My mom's kidney's are functioning at 22%. She
just turned 70. My kids are growing up, I am wondering if I can change my career.. anyway. I've been stagnant and kind of overwhelmed by everything
at once. There's more but hey we all have problems, right?
OK, Finally the very last part of my story. He also mentioned another song Poles Apart in a letter. He wrote that he was driving (he was in officer
training in the Marines-- Missouri) and the song came on and he thought of me got all emotional and pulled over, in tears.
So last night I looked up the song. I knew the words by heart.
Did you know, it was all going to go so wrong for you
And did you see it was all going to be so right for me
Why did we tell you then
You were always the golden boy then
And that you'd never lose that light in your eyes
Hey you, did you ever realize what you'd become
And did you see that it wasn't only me you were running from
Did you know all the time but it never bothered you anyway
Leading the blind while I stared out the steel in your eyes
The rain fell slow, down on all the roofs of uncertainty
I thought of you and the years and all the sadness fell away from me
And did you know
I never thought that you'd lose that light in your eyes
This was too crazy. The words spoke right at me across the years. He had indeed lost the light in his eyes (so sad he had tremendous potential). I
had always loved that album.
What an impact this moment had on me. I was still so sad though and not yet found the light.
edit on 20-4-2017 by zosimov because: (no reason given)
edit on 20-4-2017 by zosimov because: (no reason given)