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The Shed 15

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posted on May, 21 2017 @ 09:58 PM
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a reply to: crappiekat

Good to see you so cheery my friend! Oh I love that brand of wine! Yum!





posted on May, 21 2017 @ 10:55 PM
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a reply to: Mike Stivic

Nice story! I liked it.

You may wish to watch your tenses. Most descriptions in novels are always past tense. You are mixing past and current together. For example:



Now holding his hula hoop firmly, meathead concentrates and brings a portrait into his minds eye.


This should be:



Holding the hula hoop firmly, he concentrated and brought forth an image into his mind's eye.


or something like that.

Strangely, it only seems to be English as spoken in the US that does this. I am guessing it is something to do with US schools. But whatever the reason, you cannot mix your tenses.

Keep writing friend ... your ideas are contagious. Nice use of simple known objects used very differently.

P



posted on May, 21 2017 @ 11:30 PM
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a reply to: pheonix358

Hiya Wolf Lord! I must screw up all the time then. When I write a story entry I just write what's in my head and comes tumbling out. Then again, you are an Author and have to pay attention to details all the time. Too much pressure for my little mind. LOL

I wish I could read your book, but I haven't been reading and I love to read. I still have JustMike's book to finish and others stacked in baskets and on shelves. Going away for a couple of days at the end of the Month and hope to get some reading done then.


Lovely seeing you on the night shift! I think the other night shift folks quit early or something.



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 02:22 AM
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Goodnight Sheddites and lurkers wherever you are.




posted on May, 22 2017 @ 03:33 AM
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Going out to buy dinner or the evening meal ... pizza!

It really is a matter of fixing any bad habits in writing ... one at a time. As you rightly point out it is not so important here as it is when you are published but any improvement is well worth the effort.

Mike has great ideas and they are simple. He is obeying the first rule of Sci Fi. Take the reader from where they are in to your realm in a realistic manner ... and that is not as easy as it looks.

P

edit on 22/5/2017 by pheonix358 because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 04:49 AM
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a reply to: pheonix358

Isn't holding a neutral tense though?
I thought it was okay to say
"Holding the bow carefully, he takes a breathe and releases the arrow as it whooshes out of his lungs"
Just as much as to say
"Holding the bow carefully, he took a breath, and released the arrow as it whooshed out of his lungs."

If anything the second one seems the more akward to my eyes.

Thankfully there is a certain amount of liberty an author can take here... Can't rewrite the grammar book of course but it's okay to toss some things out the window, as long as you do so with consideration.

Goodnight/good morning!



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 05:42 AM
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a reply to: LucidWarrior




"Holding the bow carefully, he takes a breathe and releases the arrow as it whooshes out of his lungs"


This is how I would write it for a screenplay ... that is ... a set of instructions to the actor playing a part. To be pedantic ... what whooshes out of his lungs, the air or the arrow. I know the answer but the English as it stands can be taken both ways.




"Holding the bow carefully, he took a breath, and released the arrow as it whooshed out of his lungs."


This is how it should be in a novel.

If you wish to write in the former as opposed to the latter ... then go ahead. However ... you must use one or the other. You cannot mix them as you have been.

Choose your tense and stick to it like glue.

P

edit on 22/5/2017 by pheonix358 because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 06:45 AM
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originally posted by: pheonix358
a reply to: LucidWarrior

Choose your tense and stick to it like glue.

I might suggest the same for perspective. For each section, choose your character that is experiencing the situation, and stick to them like glue.

On tenses, I think a present tense could work, but you have to write everything in that present tense, as if it's happening as the reader reads it. I suspect that's an advanced technique that would be difficult to maintain throughout a novel-sized work.

But, I'm not an author. I'm a computer programmer who likes to write.


Good Morftereven, Shed!



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 08:42 AM
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Hi everyone,
oooh more writing!

Welcome aboard Mike.

I agree with Pheonix and Shep. The tense is very important.
If you're writing about events that have already happened, then I'd advise always sticking to past tense.
If you're "in the moment" like when a character is describing what's right in front of them right now, then you could use present tense for that part, but mixing two tenses (especially in the same sentence) disrupts the flow and gets messy very quickly.

Hi Lucid - "Holding" on it's own, sounds like present tense to me.
Although I know what you mean - within that sentence it could be taken to mean he is holding or he was holding.
If I wanted that sentence to be past tense, I think I would have written:
"He held the bow carefully, took a breath and released the arrow as it whooshed out of his lungs." (But, as Pheonix mentioned... we'd have to be a bit clearer on what "whooshed" out!)

Like shep, I'm not an author! Just chipping in my tuppence.




posted on May, 22 2017 @ 09:05 AM
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originally posted by: Night Star
Goodnight Sheddites and lurkers wherever you are.



Oh Night! I just love this picture!

Hi everyone (waves), I'm so happy to be home!

This is the warmest nook on the net


I was so pleased to see our new resident, Mike!!! What a prologue to your shed tales.

Have a wonderful day friends!



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 09:23 AM
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a reply to: Gordi The Drummer
I think now you might be getting into style, Gordi. I write that pattern quite a bit:
Taking a breath, she gripped his forearms and pulled. Gaalen had never noticed before that she smelled vaguely of roses.

The predicate's verb (if that's the right term) is "gripped", not "Taking", so the tense of the sentence as a whole is past tense. But using the word "Taking" gives it more of an active voice. At least, that's how I see it, and I think that's a stylistic choice.
However, Lucid was writing the whole thought in a present tense - both "Holding" and "he takes" indicating a present, real-time tense for the whole thought.

Again, all of this is subject to situation and stylistic choice, yes? For example, in Falling, there are scenes where a character has a vision or a dream. I have considered writing some of those in present-tense, to convey to the reader a feeling of excitement, panic, or confusion that the POV character might be feeling. I suspect what we're both saying (all four of us, even?) is to use that for the entire section - i.e. the whole vision or dream sequence would be in that voice, but returns to traditional 3rd person past tense when the primary narrative resumes.

a reply to: zosimov
Zos, dear! Welcome home!


edit on 5-22-2017 by PrairieShepherd because: Added spacing for clarity. Or, um, "Adding a space for clarity, Shep considered how retentive and pedantic he could sound...



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 09:26 AM
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originally posted by: LucidWarrior
a reply to: pheonix358

Isn't holding a neutral tense though?
I thought it was okay to say
"Holding the bow carefully, he takes a breathe and releases the arrow as it whooshes out of his lungs"
Just as much as to say
"Holding the bow carefully, he took a breath, and released the arrow as it whooshed out of his lungs."

If anything the second one seems the more akward to my eyes.

Thankfully there is a certain amount of liberty an author can take here... Can't rewrite the grammar book of course but it's okay to toss some things out the window, as long as you do so with consideration.

Goodnight/good morning!



Hi Lucid!
Just going to throw in my two cents- proper grammar can be confusing, even
after consulting the so called experts. I am not an expert either, so take what
follows with a grain of salt (or a pound).

The reason your second example works is because the first part is a dependent
clause- relying on what follows which is written in past tense. So, the sentence
conveys its information in past tense overall.

The sentence has other issues, however:

As someone else pointed out, the last part of the sentence is too far away from
its target- what is whooshing out? The arrow or his breath? Logically, we all
know its his breath, but the sentence is long enough to require a reread for
clarity. This common to the writing process and should not be worried about
until the editing phase.

There is no context for this sentence, and I didn't see it in the last couple
pages, so this next bit could very well be crap too:

Being descriptive is great, but certain parts of a story require succinctness
(in my opinion). Here is a possible edit I would have made:

Bow held carefully, he took a breath, and as it whooshed out his lungs,
released the arrow. (this would likely have been a first edit)

With the bow at full draw, he inhaled, then let loose both with an
audible whoosh. (second edit)

*** I don't like either edit, but I'm trying to keep some of the words
provided. This is why a story can go through many edits. There's no
point in wrestling for hours with one sentence when there's other
work to be done. It can always be reviewed and changed at a later
date.


Anyway, like I said, my opinion could be completely wrong...

carry on!




posted on May, 22 2017 @ 09:29 AM
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originally posted by: shlaw

originally posted by: LucidWarrior
a reply to: pheonix358

Isn't holding a neutral tense though?
I thought it was okay to say
"Holding the bow carefully, he takes a breathe and releases the arrow as it whooshes out of his lungs"
Just as much as to say
"Holding the bow carefully, he took a breath, and released the arrow as it whooshed out of his lungs."

If anything the second one seems the more akward to my eyes.

Thankfully there is a certain amount of liberty an author can take here... Can't rewrite the grammar book of course but it's okay to toss some things out the window, as long as you do so with consideration.

Goodnight/good morning!



Hi Lucid!
Just going to throw in my two cents- proper grammar can be confusing, even
after consulting the so called experts. I am not an expert either, so take what
follows with a grain of salt (or a pound).

The reason your second example works is because the first part is a dependent
clause- relying on what follows which is written in past tense. So, the sentence
conveys its information in past tense overall.

The sentence has other issues, however:

As someone else pointed out, the last part of the sentence is too far away from
its target- what is whooshing out? The arrow or his breath? Logically, we all
know its his breath, but the sentence is long enough to require a reread for
clarity. This common to the writing process and should not be worried about
until the editing phase.

There is no context for this sentence, and I didn't see it in the last couple
pages, so this next bit could very well be crap too:

Being descriptive is great, but certain parts of a story require succinctness
(in my opinion). Here is a possible edit I would have made:

Bow held carefully, he took a breath, and as it whooshed out his lungs,
released the arrow. (this would likely have been a first edit)

With the bow at full draw, he inhaled, then let loose both with an
audible whoosh. (second edit)

*** I don't like either edit, but I'm trying to keep some of the words
provided. This is why a story can go through many edits. There's no
point in wrestling for hours with one sentence when there's other
work to be done. It can always be reviewed and changed at a later
date.


Anyway, like I said, my opinion could be completely wrong...

carry on!




Edit: took me too long to write this- I see smarter people have responded.



*** and then I accidently quoted instead of edited...gah!!!
edit on 22-5-2017 by shlaw because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 09:34 AM
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originally posted by: PrairieShepherd

Zos, dear! Welcome home!



Thank you Shep!!


It's counter-intuitive but I sure love stepping inside the Shed for a breath of fresh air!

I'm still mystified at the magic the Sheddites weave.. virtual to reality..I love it!!!



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 09:37 AM
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a reply to: shlaw

Hi Shlaw! *waves*

I considered using "inhaled" also. Both were valid edits, just depends upon style.

Lucid, we're armchair-quarterbacking you a bit, but please understand: while I can't speak for everyone, I like your writing and I find you have a unique style that is engaging and enjoyable to read. What we're talking about is more like discussing how the canvas of a painting gets attached to its frame, rather than how the painting is painted. The Shed has greater than an average population of word nerds.



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 09:44 AM
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originally posted by: PrairieShepherd
a reply to: shlaw

Hi Shlaw! *waves*

I considered using "inhaled" also. Both were valid edits, just depends upon style.

Lucid, we're armchair-quarterbacking you a bit, but please understand: while I can't speak for everyone, I like your writing and I find you have a unique style that is engaging and enjoyable to read. What we're talking about is more like discussing how the canvas of a painting gets attached to its frame, rather than how the painting is painted. The Shed has greater than an average population of word nerds.


Good points!

I also meant to clarify...

I don't think Lucid was talking about mixing past and present
tense in a story, but how one tense may be used with another
in a single sentence. I've looked for this specific issue in the
past as my writing can be rife with it. I have seen examples
in novels by established authors, but they are used very sparingly,
and presumbably, correctly. As such, I now try to avoid doing
it except in rare instances.




posted on May, 22 2017 @ 09:51 AM
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a reply to: shlaw

Argh! I got all turned around. This whole discussion stemmed from Mike Stivic's entry, not Lucid's!

My apologies to all. I think some of my emerging gray hairs are going deeper into my brain than I originally thought...LOL.

Mike Stivic - welcome to the Shed! And thank you for your story. What I said still holds true - I got a little dazed & confused in the discussion.
As has been said, I also enjoyed your use of common objects. It was a good read and I enjoyed it!



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 10:16 AM
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Spent the night in the ER. With everything going on with Paul I guess my gastro stuff is acting up again, it. Just wanted to let you know why I'm MIA



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 10:29 AM
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a reply to: Martin75

Hi Admin!
Hoping the stress eases a bit. Praying for you!



posted on May, 22 2017 @ 12:45 PM
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Quiet Shed today.
*Shep tiptoes around, trying not to disturb anything.*

I've posted a new episode of Falling for your reading enjoyment. As usual you may use the link in my signature line, or you can use this link to go directly to the new post:Falling: An Epic Fantasy - A Tantalizing Lead
edit on 5-22-2017 by PrairieShepherd because: (no reason given)



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