posted on Apr, 5 2017 @ 09:26 AM
I do! Well... I did... and I actually still do...
It was me.
Like yourself, ive done a total 180. Ive ran into past acquaintances who were shocked at how Ive changed. When my current acquaintances hear some of
my stories, and how I used to live, the cant believe it. I mean they REALLY dont believe some of the things ive done, they think some of the stories
ive told them are just that - stories. Its nothing im proud of, so i dont waste either of our time trying to convince them.
I spent 10 years creating my own private cesspool. In those 10 years, 6 of them were spent in various jails and prisons. The times I wasnt locked up,
i spent addicted to drugs. The times I wasn't on drugs, or in prison, i was commiting crimes to feed my drug habit.
My last stint in prison (3 years) came to an end on March 27th, 2010. I had decided over a year prior to that date, that I couldnt 'do this anymore'.
I remember that moment as clear as day... It came when I was having breakfast in the mess hall November 7, 2008. I looked up from tray to see who was
sitting at my table (the correction officers order you were to sit, you dont get to choose), the tables seated 4, and I was eating my breakfast with 3
I walked away, shaking my head and told myself, 'Im done'. I spent the next year and a half isolated with books and a journal and began making a plan
to keep my freedom. I also did some serious soul searching.
I could never understand why it didnt bother me to go to jail. I mean it did, it always did, but i was able to adapt and become comfortable - way more
comfortable, then anyone in jail should EVER be!
The best explanation I could come up with, was that when I was free, I wasted all my time, effort, and intelligence on procuring drugs or money to
drugs. I was a junky. When I walked into a public place I envied the other people who weren't junkies. I felt as low as a snake. I should have, after
all, I was a snake.
My daily routine would go something like this:
1. Get drugs.
2. Get in touch with other junkies/criminals, find other 'scores', or ways to get cash for that day.
3. Get more money to get more drugs.
4. Find a place to stay that night. (I never slept on the streets, all junkies have a lil network of people who have public housing or some other
assistance. If you slept on the street it was your choice)
5. Find something to eat.
When I was in jail, i didnt have to deal with that, although spending the first couple weeks detoxing was hell, after that it was easy street. 3 hots
and a cot is what they say. On top of that, in jail i was "somebody". I was an educated person in a population of uneducated people.I knew everyone. I
had gotten away with a few crafty scams that im ashamed of nowadays, but were known about and admired by other inmates. Ive been to 10 different
county jails in my state, so other inmates with warrants awaiting transfer, needed certain info about these jails like, "whats the mailing address",
or "whats their canteen like?" Ive been an artist my entire life, so I was the guy who would draw up your new tattoo, (tattooing doesnt happen in
Wisconsin prisons) or draw up a portrait of your girlfriend or kids (you know, so you can show them how much you love them) sarc. I knew all the
officers, who was good, who was bad, who let you do this, etc., etc. When people would get released, they always would say, "im NEVER coming back!" I
was so ignorant i would say, "see you all in 6-8 months!"
Yup! I truly was "somebody" when i was incarcerated. I enjoyed the feeling of being needed. It felt nothing like walking down the sidewalk during my
"street time". No one paid me any mind. I may as well have been a wad of gum spit on the curb. Nothing like that feeling of being "somebody".
Im damn near in tears right now as I write this. My current life is so far from that, that i sometimes forget what I put myself, and countless others
through, before I got where I am now.
During High School, there was a group of 21 of us. All pretty good friends. Theres 7 of us left. 3 dead by someone elses hand, 2 by accidents, 2 by
their own, and 7 by overdose. At 36 years old, ive been to more funerals than anyone should have to attend in a lifetime.
I dont want to be a "somebody" anymore. In jail, or in my current lifestyle. Since ive been living the straight and narrow, life has moved a lot
slower. Its not always exciting. Its not always easy, as I assumed it was during my junky years, but I can go to sleep at night without fear of
consequences for something I may have done on any given day.
My apologies if I strayed too far from the OP's original question, but stories like the OP, bring me back, and its nice to have an outlet for
reflection. I offer congratulations to the OP for the 180 he made, as well as anyone else who walked these rough paths. To anyone who still does,
leave now. Its NEVER too late. Life is as priceless as it is short. Make the most of it.
Reading more of the replies by the OP, I see our similarities building. I bet one of us could start telling a story, and the other could finish it
without missing a detail.
When I started writing this, I was eating my breakfast..... And it sure as hell wasnt with 3 child molesters.
My condolences to you.