My friends dead, but I'm not surprised.

a reply to: Macenroe82
Possibly trying to eat his fentanyl patch... not a good idea whatsoever.

a reply to: Macenroe82

Sounds like you're working through it just fine man. A buddy of mine died a few years ago while separated from his wife and children. Got crazy on his bike and lost it doing well over 100mph. I hear ya.

Denial/anger/bargaining/depression/acceptance.

a reply to: FissionSurplus

Who grieves for those who cause nothing but trouble? Only those who have witnessed the other side of these people

It's funny you wrote that.
I was just thinking to myself about his daughter, whom never had a chance to truly spend any significant amount of time with her father. I was thinking, how will she remember him?
I hope not by the things he's done to others. But how he treated her anytime he was able to see her. He loved her with all his heart. And that's the side of him I only want to remember.

Somehow, it seems to me if you misspent your life hurting others, society will not weep for you. It takes extremely strong compassion to see what that person could have been but did not become-either because of poor choices, strong desires, mental illness or lack of morality.

Having never personally dealt with this issue, I see it from the reverse.

My heart does go to those who experienced all the sadness brought upon them by the family or friend who hurt and disappointed them deeply.

For you op, I am sorry for the pain this friend inflicted on you and others.

a reply to: Macenroe82

Some how, i don't think the grieving has kicked in yet.

I don't think it has either. Right now I think you're just sad he's gone, and angry about the way it came about. People don't always realize it's not only themselves they hurt when they die like that. Like Prince. It hurts the people around them too. It's selfish. It's heartbreaking.

I'm sorry you lost your friend.

Yes, several.

I am an anomaly in my family. My dad had 13 or 14 brothers and sisters.. and basically everyone is related in some way on a rez. My mom had a few siblings. I have so many cousins I cant recall all their names. A few of the family I have kept closer with than others. MANY jailbirds and rough folks. I have everyting from bikers to beaders I love.. but the one that will ALWAYS get me wasnt even family. He was just a friend of a friend. Steve Hughley. We were young and I was friends with his girlfriend. There was something nice inside of steve... even though he killed his momma with a shotgun, rolled her in a carpet and threw her in the forked deer river. I kept in touch with him for a bit.. but then he was on death row.. stabbing counselors and such.
A life wasted for sure.. but there are reasons some of our loved ones are just destined to end badly. Sure they make bad choices.. but a lot of it has to do with chemistry, family, and abuse.

Look him up.. he is a character! I still have a horrible time knowing the Steve I knew was the same steve who killed his mom and others. He was always so kind and gentlemanly to me!
Steven L Hughley

a reply to: Macenroe82

My heart and prayers are with you and his family. So sad.

I have a relative currently serving 9 years. He was looking at 5 years after his first arrest. He spent several months in jail and learned "the talk" to the extent that he convinced his mother that he had changed his ways. She begged the judge to go easy on him, got others to do the same, and eventually got him out on bail. What did he do? Went back to his old friends and went on a spree of thievery. Brought the stolen items to her house and stored them there so that if the cops searched his place they wouldn't find them. What a piece of work.

And yet, when he went back to court, she was there begging the judge not to send him away and got the 15 years cut back to nine. She's on Facebook every day I'm told, pining for him because he doesn't really deserve to be in prison. He stole everything from CDs and lawnmowers to guns and jewelry. I'm pretty sure the neighborhood is better off with him in prison.

I can't even begin to bring myself to feel sorry for him. I was one of the victims of his thievery but those crimes are not why he's in jail. I couldn't absolutely prove it was him who stole the DVD player, jewelry and drugs from us but since he's the only known thief I've ever let into my home....

I do feel sorry for his mother. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like.

Some tragic stories in here. Mac, I'm sorry you lost your friend and that he didn't turn his life around the way that you did. I feel for his daughter who is left behind with such horrible memories. There are some people that you just can't rationalize with. Sadly, they are going to do what they want and how they want to do it, no matter what.

a reply to: diggindirt

I think the thing is.. like the mother you describe and the OP... and with me... we just cant quite reconcile the part of the person WE experience with the part of the person others experience. We didnt feel that or see that or receive that in our lives from them... so its hard to make that connection that its the SAME PERSON. I have uncles.. bikers.. that wouldnt allow anyone to curse or drink around ME... but were involved in drugs, guns and human trafficking. Im OLD.. and theyre OLDER.. and still they treat me like a queen when I visit. Those who arent dead or in prison anyway. The one cousin named his daughter after me.. and he ran with a criminal crowd I dont even want to get into on here.. but I recall when we were poor when I was young he bought me a woody woodpecker costume, took me trick or treating and checked my candy for me. He bought me school clothes at woolworths. I loved him dearly. I mean its a hard thing to put the 2 things together in your heart.

a reply to: Advantage

I see where you're coming from, never seeing the dark side. This kid never stole from his mother but all other relatives were fair game in his book. His brothers, his grandpa, his cousins and people in his own neighborhood. So I suppose it's the anger at being treated that way that bothers the rest of the family. Everyone did their best to help this kid. In fact, we were trying to help him out when he stole the stuff from us! He was at our house to pick up a microwave and refrigerator for his new place. My Beloved handed him $50 that day for gas money. He looked us straight in the eye and told us, "I'm on the right path now. I'm going to make everyone proud of me." It was actually months before we realized what he'd done because he stole stuff that he knew wouldn't be noticed. Same with his grandpa.
I realize that something is twisted in his brain. A normal person doesn't act that way. But he's had counseling since he was 12 years old and the only result of all those hours was that he learned to "talk the talk" to say what he thought people wanted to hear from him. Perhaps that will serve him well in prison because it appears that's where he's going to be spending a great deal of time. In my mind he is where he belongs. He was given multiple chances to turn his life around. His parents are living on the edge of bankruptcy because of his choices. My sorrow is with them.

a reply to: diggindirt

Youve chosen the right people to place your compassion toward... the victims. The parents. Lord knows we parents sometimes have the worst blinders of all!

My heart goes out to all of you who have had to suffer through this, and for your loss, Mac. My younger brother is looking at a few years in the big house, as we speak. He has always been in trouble for petty stuff like small amounts of drugs and theft. However, over the last ten years he has built quite the heroin habit, and even when he gets out of jail, and is clean, he goes running back to it, apparently forgetting about how miserable it was to be dopesick and detox from that deadly stuff. Recently, he has stepped up his game and started stealing cars, with the last one leading the cops on a high speed chase, and even driving past his sons school at 100+ mph. Thankfully, no one was hurt, and he was put in jail, where they also pulled up some earlier charges that had been ' no complainted' during past run ins. Still, they let him out on pretrial release, due most likely to overcrowding, and within two weeks, he goes to a neighboring state, steals a pack of underwear from a Walmart, gets caught, and the find enough drugs on him to slap another felony charge on him, aside from the theft charge. Of course, he doesn't make it to court in his home state, so now he has a failure to appear charge added, and we are waiting to see if he can somehow rack up more before this trial, and sink himself any deeper, if that is even possible. I'm pretty sure he is going to do some prison time, this time, remarkably for the first time at the ripe old age of 46. The strange part is, I hope he serves a long sentence, because, although he is screwing up his sons life, and wasting his real talents by being locked up, at least I know where he is at, and he is less likely to do one of the many stupid things he does when he is free that will eventually end his life of crime, forever. I can only pray that he spends some time soul searching and figures it out, ending this maddness, in a positive way. For now, I can only be there for his son, trying to be a good uncle and do some of the things his dad should be doing with him. It is no replacement, and I can see the hurt in the young boys eyes, but I am doing what I can so he doesn't follow in his dad's footsteps. I love my brother still, despite it all, and at the same time feel like knocking some sense into him, though I doubt it would do any good. I refused to put money on his books the last few times he has been in, and he tells his girlfriend in a letter how much of an ass I am because of it, but screw that. I'd much rather spend it on his kid, rather than his jew jews and wham whams while he plots his own deathwish the next time he is out. Thanks for hearing me out. It is nice to get it out, and I am too embarrassed and ashamed to talk about it with the folks around me. I just hope he doesn't end up dead before he figures it all out. Damn.

Thank you all for your help through this. ATS is an amazing community, thank you all so much for your support.

Laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep, it hit me...and hard.
If feel bad for the workers on either side of my bunkhouse room.
Home tonight. I will get in touch with his mother and see when the funeral is.

a reply to: Macenroe82

Mac,

For all that it may not have been a surprise, still, my condolences to you. It matters very little in the long run, whether one expects to hear of a death, because for all that one might brace oneself for it, the fact of it never seems to hit any softer.

Well done for raising your game though.

Some "family" members like to habitually keep each other in a jail or prison of sorts. Whether it be one someone is birthed too, chooses as a religion or club.

Impermanence just sends you into another family by the choices one makes... if he was happy being in that chosen family? Then that was his choice to be in that family to begin with, some born into such things? Even if they don't want to be in them... the outcome is the same one does time until impermanence chooses something else.

You chose him as family keeping him as a friend so in a sense you were the doorway he kept walking through in the realm of maybe... pulled at both ends in such a tug of war? Sometimes the rope of fate just breaks and those doing the tugging lose and the one being tugged on is finally free.

a reply to: Macenroe82

Sorry for your loss man , I've lost some good friends through drink and drugs , good people caught up in bad ways.

Some of us learn our lessons and move on while others can't seem to read the writing on the wall and continue to go round in circles , nothing you can do but mourn and remember.

I do! Well... I did... and I actually still do...
It was me.

Like yourself, ive done a total 180. Ive ran into past acquaintances who were shocked at how Ive changed. When my current acquaintances hear some of my stories, and how I used to live, the cant believe it. I mean they REALLY dont believe some of the things ive done, they think some of the stories ive told them are just that - stories. Its nothing im proud of, so i dont waste either of our time trying to convince them.

I spent 10 years creating my own private cesspool. In those 10 years, 6 of them were spent in various jails and prisons. The times I wasnt locked up, i spent addicted to drugs. The times I wasn't on drugs, or in prison, i was commiting crimes to feed my drug habit.
My last stint in prison (3 years) came to an end on March 27th, 2010. I had decided over a year prior to that date, that I couldnt 'do this anymore'. I remember that moment as clear as day... It came when I was having breakfast in the mess hall November 7, 2008. I looked up from tray to see who was sitting at my table (the correction officers order you were to sit, you dont get to choose), the tables seated 4, and I was eating my breakfast with 3 child molesters.
I walked away, shaking my head and told myself, 'Im done'. I spent the next year and a half isolated with books and a journal and began making a plan to keep my freedom. I also did some serious soul searching.

I could never understand why it didnt bother me to go to jail. I mean it did, it always did, but i was able to adapt and become comfortable - way more comfortable, then anyone in jail should EVER be!
The best explanation I could come up with, was that when I was free, I wasted all my time, effort, and intelligence on procuring drugs or money to drugs. I was a junky. When I walked into a public place I envied the other people who weren't junkies. I felt as low as a snake. I should have, after all, I was a snake.
My daily routine would go something like this:
1. Get drugs.
2. Get in touch with other junkies/criminals, find other 'scores', or ways to get cash for that day.
3. Get more money to get more drugs.
4. Find a place to stay that night. (I never slept on the streets, all junkies have a lil network of people who have public housing or some other assistance. If you slept on the street it was your choice)
5. Find something to eat.

When I was in jail, i didnt have to deal with that, although spending the first couple weeks detoxing was hell, after that it was easy street. 3 hots and a cot is what they say. On top of that, in jail i was "somebody". I was an educated person in a population of uneducated people.I knew everyone. I had gotten away with a few crafty scams that im ashamed of nowadays, but were known about and admired by other inmates. Ive been to 10 different county jails in my state, so other inmates with warrants awaiting transfer, needed certain info about these jails like, "whats the mailing address", or "whats their canteen like?" Ive been an artist my entire life, so I was the guy who would draw up your new tattoo, (tattooing doesnt happen in Wisconsin prisons) or draw up a portrait of your girlfriend or kids (you know, so you can show them how much you love them) sarc. I knew all the officers, who was good, who was bad, who let you do this, etc., etc. When people would get released, they always would say, "im NEVER coming back!" I was so ignorant i would say, "see you all in 6-8 months!"
Yup! I truly was "somebody" when i was incarcerated. I enjoyed the feeling of being needed. It felt nothing like walking down the sidewalk during my "street time". No one paid me any mind. I may as well have been a wad of gum spit on the curb. Nothing like that feeling of being "somebody".

Im damn near in tears right now as I write this. My current life is so far from that, that i sometimes forget what I put myself, and countless others through, before I got where I am now.
During High School, there was a group of 21 of us. All pretty good friends. Theres 7 of us left. 3 dead by someone elses hand, 2 by accidents, 2 by their own, and 7 by overdose. At 36 years old, ive been to more funerals than anyone should have to attend in a lifetime.

I dont want to be a "somebody" anymore. In jail, or in my current lifestyle. Since ive been living the straight and narrow, life has moved a lot slower. Its not always exciting. Its not always easy, as I assumed it was during my junky years, but I can go to sleep at night without fear of consequences for something I may have done on any given day.

My apologies if I strayed too far from the OP's original question, but stories like the OP, bring me back, and its nice to have an outlet for reflection. I offer congratulations to the OP for the 180 he made, as well as anyone else who walked these rough paths. To anyone who still does, leave now. Its NEVER too late. Life is as priceless as it is short. Make the most of it.
Reading more of the replies by the OP, I see our similarities building. I bet one of us could start telling a story, and the other could finish it without missing a detail.

When I started writing this, I was eating my breakfast..... And it sure as hell wasnt with 3 child molesters.

My condolences to you.

a reply to: JimNasium

Very true!!! Sad fact is that some of us are here to serve as an example.

a reply to: Brian4real

Amen brother.
Its good to get the bad stuff out sometimes

a reply to: FissionSurplus

I had a friend who knocked his teachers teeth out when he was five. He was hiding under a table, she crawled after him and he picked up something heavy, he couldn't remember what it was but he hit her in the mouth with it. By eight he'd done his first smash and grab and by twelve he'd fractured his skull falling through a factory skylight.

He escaped from a young offenders institiution with a little help from his friends. Chair legs for a grappling hook, ripped up sheets for a rope, blanket over the rasor wire and drop to the ground. He used to practise dropping from a height.

While free he found a girlfriend and it all looked good. One day he confessed to her, "My name isn't really John". She burst into tears as he told his story. When she'd composed herself she said, "And my name isn't really Julie". She was on the run too.

He needed the security of an institution. Eventually he went out and did a burglary in the snow with his dog. There were very few people in the area with a dog of that size who would have been suspects so the dogs footprints led to his arrest.

He was a habitual thief who suffered moments of extreme paranoia and was happier in the company of criminals because that was the society he knew.

He once lived in a place where almost everyone was a criminal. He said they'd watch each others houses and wait for someone to go out then break in and steal what they'd stolen. The challenge was that burglars know all the places people hide stuff. It was partly professional pride to find an acomplished criminal's stash. False compartments in furniture and fittings are a favourite.

Mental illness and habit are big factors. Habits can be broken if the choice is made.