a reply to: sarra1833
Sorry it took me so long to read and reply, I've been busy. I know exactly how you feel. You said exactly what I've felt all my life actually. I grew
up very, very frustrated that things were not improving. Ignorance and hate was always winning and I did not see why. I would stand for truth and
justice, but the teachers were against it, the students were. They asserted that they were right because they were them, they were bullies, they had
loud mouths, whatever. I tried so hard to get through to them that reality wasn't multiple choice, that there really is right and wrong and that it is
not determined by who 'wins.' We were ALL taught right from wrong, and basic common sense, healthy social conduct, and various info in various
subjects to enlighten us on some level (don't get me wrong, I hated school as it felt like a lot of busy work in a prison setting which was beneath
me, but I always learned through wisdom handed down and by observation and thoughtfulness.)
For this I was hated on and became a target in a big way. This was a small town and they considered me the worst kind of scum for thinking I was
better than they were and for having the gall to try to enlighten them in any way. They sought out to break me down. When I finally toughened up
enough that no group of bullies would mess with me they still kept at hurting my good name with endless, viscous rumours and by hounding me constantly
in many different ways, frightening most people away from socializing with me. Many people respected me silently, you might say, but I could never
exaggerate the level of hate, of embarrassment, of endless agony I suffered through. There were bullies, rapists and accused child molesters among
them, yet I--for caring and choosing to TRY to make the world a better place--was somehow the deplorable one, according to them anyway. They got to
have lots of friends, go to parties, date girls (and the hateful girls could date guys.) I had either no or a small handful of friends growing up, and
avoided the hateful-jerk-infested parties. No one would dare date me and by then I was too messed up with depression and social anxiety to be
date-worthy anyway. They all grew in confidence and social reward while I slowly fell apart inside.
Ignorance rewards ignorance. It's a big club. If you refuse to go along then you think you're better than them (which you should thank your lucky
stars that you are) and they will hate you for it until the end of time. At least that was my experience. I stood out too much though. I always had a
big personality, carried my heart on my sleeve, and that's not always a good thing. I have suffered the tortures of the damned in this life, from the
treatment of peers and co-workers to many bizarre circumstances. I have often wondered if God hated me, or if it was the devil or some force of evil,
or if something inside my own being hates me and dooms me to this life.
I am feeling better these days. I am soul searching, trying to find a way to be selfishly happy in a world so messed up. My passionate, sensitive,
curious nature has learned to keep my head down, mind my own business unless asked, keep to a low-paying job where people are nice, and to just not
care. Of course, I am still a caring soul and not being able to make some kind of meaningful effort for hopeful change is killing me inside I think.
This was without even mentioning the horrors of being a sensivie, of feeling the hateful and unhealthy energies of those around me and how long it
took me to build a mental block to such energies. It's been a very cruel experience for me.
Sorry if this is too depressing, it's just the honest truth. I've been taking it easy lately, trying to focus on silly movies and YouTube videos, or
reading a positive book. It's been very hard for me to find motivation lately, since my spirit was finally broken a while back through a series of
abusive events. I struggle each day to simplify my world view down to simple little enjoyments and to be happy somehow, but I can't really change my
soul, who I fundamentally am. I will always care and I like that about myself. But I will always hurt because of it.
This still seems depressing lol I am okay and I hope that you are. We are strong spirirts or we would not be here.
edit on 5-4-2017 by LoneCloudHopper2 because: (no reason given)