Witches, eh? With their brooms, and crooked warty noses and green skin, it was easy to spot them. Then they got sly and started masquerading
themselves and it got harder to detect them.
Here are some things that we do today, that would have had us tried as witches in the 16th Century.
1. You are a female.
Are you a female? Into the witch-burning cart with you! For an almost insultingly long time now, it has been believed that women are more susceptible
to sin, and everyone knows there's nothing a woman loves more than a good sinny sin! Tut, thanks Eve!
2. You are poor.
Often the worse-off in society were forced to live on community support. However, if someone didn't like the fact you were begging at their door
again, they only had to put in a few words here and there before there'd be a nice fire for the townspeople to gather round. Marshmallows weren't
invented in those days, but I'm not sure how good they'd taste roasted from the fire of a dying pauper. If you're poor, so shall we say, claiming
kind of benefit, you're a witch?
3. You are wealthy (and a woman).
If for some (magical) reason you happen to be a wealthy and financially independent woman, it's probably because you're stashing all kinds of rare
spiders eggs and whiskers from extinct animals in amongst your magazines. Can I interest you in this plush witch-wagon, befitting one of such station?
Any woman who was able to live financially free without male supervision was cause for suspicion because silly things like ladies moon blood and
crying gets in the way of handling money.
4. You have one or more female friends.
If Sex in the City taught us anything, its that lots of money and big penises are really what matters, which is why it's a great example of a coven of
women, and a terrible example of women in general. Women meeting together without a chaperone was considered time to be trying to hop on Satan's
Broomstick, which is kinda the opposite of Sex in the City where the only time they seemed to be alone was when they were getting d*cked down...
moving on! You and all your gal pals are going straight into the witch-pit.
5. You have a fight with a female friend.
Some witch hunters were so good at instilling fear into the communities, that women accused each other out of fear of being accused themselves. Lets
be thankful that the worst we have to put up with today is the accusations of liking a photo of someone's boyfriend on Facebook... but I'd totally put
you in the cart for liking a picture of my bf, just saying...
6. Someone says you are.
Well, you're pretty much up Dung Creek without a paddle at this point. There was no real indication anyone was a witch, they didn't go dancing around
fires or hang up a sign that says "Meeting Here Friday Night - BYO Pino G. Cat Creche in the back." If someone doesn't like you, they can accuse you
of anything, and the onus was on you to prove your innocence. Largely from the dunkings and trials by fire etc which I'm SURE you'd TOTALLY pass, cuz
you're not even a witch right? What have you even got to worry about?
7. You are old.
I'm talking old. Like, so old you can't even walk, no teeth, cataracts in both eyes, breathing like an ant walking uphill carrying heaving shopping
old. Obviously your're that old because you have magical long life. Into the cart, granny.
8. You are very young.
The youngest recorded witch was 4 years old, who in confessing, implicated her own mother who was hanged. She was released after several months of
captivity, but it left her permanently insane. Do you have a young child you can get to say "I am a witch?" Please bring them to the cart.
9. You know anything to do with herbs (and not the cooking kind).
People with more basic herbal knowledge such as healers or midwives of the time would have been prime witch candidates. Largely because their
knowledge base and influences were not drawn from the church, and seen as heretical. Doctors, nurses, care assistants, anyone who has ever used a dock
leaf on a nettle sting, you're all witches. It's not medicine, it's magic.
10. You have too many kids.
Aside from the social faux pas it is today to comment on the fertility and sheer will to live that some peoples reproductive organs have, if you have
lots of kids (shall we say more than 3?), your trouser mash is too magical and you need to go in the cart.
11. You're married and have no (or only one) child.
Obviously, the devil resides within your holy womb woman, and the only way to get him out is to cleanse you with fire. Sorry about that. Cart.
12. You're a bit sassy.
Are you behaving like a total witch right now? Get in the cart. Women who were considered meddlesome or demanding were also considered to be witches.
13. You've got a 'weird mole'.
Finally, something a little less womany! Weird lumps, bumps, birth marks, extra nipples were all considered to be the "Devils Mark". Which is weird
when you think about it, sometimes weird moles do get cancerous... maybe they're onto something there. All those with weird moles and lumpy bits
please come for a medical witch assessment to get yer moles checked for magic.
14. Your milk went off.
The Salem witch trials noted curdled and soured milk in connection with the accused witches of the time. If you're a witch, you probably don't drink
much tea or eat a lot of cereal but buy milk in case someone visits you and they do those normal things and you just put it in there to act
15. You've had sex out of wedlock.
Because we all know marriage is only holy because God says so, and sex is only for marriage and people who are married (not necessarily to each other
if the 1700s were anything to go by) and its really disgusting and terrible to even try it outside of wedlock because thats how Jedward happens.
Anyone who has hopped on the good foot and done the bad thing outside of marriage can go in the cart.
16. You tried to divine your future spouse's name.
Remember those origami fortune tellers that everyone knows how to make but no-one remembers how they learned to do it? Pick a colour, pick a number?
If you've ever made, used or been near anyone who has made or used one, you're a witch. And you were probably in more than groups of two and without
male chaperones when you used them! Get in the cart.
17. You've broken any rule in the Bible.
Now which ones are the rules exactly, the ones we're being scored on, and which are the ones we're only morally marked down against? Like mixed blend
clothing, are we seriously actually really really not getting into heaven because our shirts are 50/50 polycotton? Can I kill a man for wearing mixed
blend clothing? What if that man is my neighbour? Do unto others? I wanna say to him, "Hey man, That's a great shirt! Where did you get it?" And he'll
say "What the hell are you doing in my room at 10.30 at night? Get out or I'll call the police...". I don't want to make him feel bad by sneering at
his shirt that I love but have to hate because it's a mixed blend. It's super confusing, and now you're in a pact with Satan because you don't sit and
cleanse yourself appropriately in the hut of shame after your lady moon blood and all the crying? Ah man... this cart is running out of space.
You're all going to have to get out and go home and never do any of these things again.
edit on 2-3-2017 by Lulzaroonie because: (no reason given)