Witchcraft! Are YOU guilty?

Witches, eh? With their brooms, and crooked warty noses and green skin, it was easy to spot them. Then they got sly and started masquerading themselves and it got harder to detect them.

Here are some things that we do today, that would have had us tried as witches in the 16th Century.

1. You are a female.
Are you a female? Into the witch-burning cart with you! For an almost insultingly long time now, it has been believed that women are more susceptible to sin, and everyone knows there's nothing a woman loves more than a good sinny sin! Tut, thanks Eve!

2. You are poor.
Often the worse-off in society were forced to live on community support. However, if someone didn't like the fact you were begging at their door again, they only had to put in a few words here and there before there'd be a nice fire for the townspeople to gather round. Marshmallows weren't invented in those days, but I'm not sure how good they'd taste roasted from the fire of a dying pauper. If you're poor, so shall we say, claiming any kind of benefit, you're a witch?

3. You are wealthy (and a woman).
If for some (magical) reason you happen to be a wealthy and financially independent woman, it's probably because you're stashing all kinds of rare spiders eggs and whiskers from extinct animals in amongst your magazines. Can I interest you in this plush witch-wagon, befitting one of such station? Any woman who was able to live financially free without male supervision was cause for suspicion because silly things like ladies moon blood and crying gets in the way of handling money.

4. You have one or more female friends.
If Sex in the City taught us anything, its that lots of money and big penises are really what matters, which is why it's a great example of a coven of women, and a terrible example of women in general. Women meeting together without a chaperone was considered time to be trying to hop on Satan's Broomstick, which is kinda the opposite of Sex in the City where the only time they seemed to be alone was when they were getting d*cked down... moving on! You and all your gal pals are going straight into the witch-pit.

5. You have a fight with a female friend.
Some witch hunters were so good at instilling fear into the communities, that women accused each other out of fear of being accused themselves. Lets be thankful that the worst we have to put up with today is the accusations of liking a photo of someone's boyfriend on Facebook... but I'd totally put you in the cart for liking a picture of my bf, just saying...

6. Someone says you are.
Well, you're pretty much up Dung Creek without a paddle at this point. There was no real indication anyone was a witch, they didn't go dancing around fires or hang up a sign that says "Meeting Here Friday Night - BYO Pino G. Cat Creche in the back." If someone doesn't like you, they can accuse you of anything, and the onus was on you to prove your innocence. Largely from the dunkings and trials by fire etc which I'm SURE you'd TOTALLY pass, cuz you're not even a witch right? What have you even got to worry about?

7. You are old.
I'm talking old. Like, so old you can't even walk, no teeth, cataracts in both eyes, breathing like an ant walking uphill carrying heaving shopping old. Obviously your're that old because you have magical long life. Into the cart, granny.

8. You are very young.
The youngest recorded witch was 4 years old, who in confessing, implicated her own mother who was hanged. She was released after several months of captivity, but it left her permanently insane. Do you have a young child you can get to say "I am a witch?" Please bring them to the cart.

9. You know anything to do with herbs (and not the cooking kind).
People with more basic herbal knowledge such as healers or midwives of the time would have been prime witch candidates. Largely because their knowledge base and influences were not drawn from the church, and seen as heretical. Doctors, nurses, care assistants, anyone who has ever used a dock leaf on a nettle sting, you're all witches. It's not medicine, it's magic.

10. You have too many kids.
Aside from the social faux pas it is today to comment on the fertility and sheer will to live that some peoples reproductive organs have, if you have lots of kids (shall we say more than 3?), your trouser mash is too magical and you need to go in the cart.

11. You're married and have no (or only one) child.
Obviously, the devil resides within your holy womb woman, and the only way to get him out is to cleanse you with fire. Sorry about that. Cart.

12. You're a bit sassy.
Are you behaving like a total witch right now? Get in the cart. Women who were considered meddlesome or demanding were also considered to be witches.

13. You've got a 'weird mole'.
Finally, something a little less womany! Weird lumps, bumps, birth marks, extra nipples were all considered to be the "Devils Mark". Which is weird when you think about it, sometimes weird moles do get cancerous... maybe they're onto something there. All those with weird moles and lumpy bits please come for a medical witch assessment to get yer moles checked for magic.

14. Your milk went off.
The Salem witch trials noted curdled and soured milk in connection with the accused witches of the time. If you're a witch, you probably don't drink much tea or eat a lot of cereal but buy milk in case someone visits you and they do those normal things and you just put it in there to act normal...

15. You've had sex out of wedlock.
Because we all know marriage is only holy because God says so, and sex is only for marriage and people who are married (not necessarily to each other if the 1700s were anything to go by) and its really disgusting and terrible to even try it outside of wedlock because thats how Jedward happens. Anyone who has hopped on the good foot and done the bad thing outside of marriage can go in the cart.

16. You tried to divine your future spouse's name.
Remember those origami fortune tellers that everyone knows how to make but no-one remembers how they learned to do it? Pick a colour, pick a number? If you've ever made, used or been near anyone who has made or used one, you're a witch. And you were probably in more than groups of two and without male chaperones when you used them! Get in the cart.

17. You've broken any rule in the Bible.
Now which ones are the rules exactly, the ones we're being scored on, and which are the ones we're only morally marked down against? Like mixed blend clothing, are we seriously actually really really not getting into heaven because our shirts are 50/50 polycotton? Can I kill a man for wearing mixed blend clothing? What if that man is my neighbour? Do unto others? I wanna say to him, "Hey man, That's a great shirt! Where did you get it?" And he'll say "What the hell are you doing in my room at 10.30 at night? Get out or I'll call the police...". I don't want to make him feel bad by sneering at his shirt that I love but have to hate because it's a mixed blend. It's super confusing, and now you're in a pact with Satan because you don't sit and cleanse yourself appropriately in the hut of shame after your lady moon blood and all the crying? Ah man... this cart is running out of space.

You're all going to have to get out and go home and never do any of these things again.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

(from sitting on top of the cart)
I enjoyed your thread, thank you!
Oh, and this one...

14. Your milk went off. The Salem witch trials noted curdled and soured milk in connection with the accused witches of the time. If you're a witch, you probably don't drink much tea or eat a lot of cereal but buy milk in case someone visits you and they do those normal things and you just put it in there to act normal...

The milk in my fridge spoils regularly as the kiddos rarely drink it but, I keep buying it because, well, I guess I'm supposed to. I think?

The Bible scenario cracked me up as well, pretty sure I'm a goner.

Too funny, thanks again!

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

Screw that.

We listen to recordings of music, watch theatrical performances and political speeches by the long dead, and are well into the age where a person might leave a tangible, moving picture (or in more modern parlance, movie) for a loved one to watch once they are dead.

We communicate with one another without being in earshot, sometimes without saying a single spoken word, send messages of all kinds through the air *waves hands about in a spooky fashion*, we can know the weather seven days in advance with significant accuracy, we never need be lost again because we always have a compass and a map, even when we have no compass or a map.

The things we do these days would render even the most pious Christian person fit to go on the fire.

But never mind all that. The reality is that the witch trials, and indeed the entire tale of the ill treatment of women and particularly herbalists and persons of other faiths than Christianity, by the Catholic and other Churches, has been nothing short of absolutely awful over the years. Its a bloody shame.

a reply to: TrueBrit

That's pretty much my point, no-one is really free from the supposed yoke of witchcraft, most certainly today.

Imagine getting burned because your lights go on and off with the clap of a hand... Or your cart goes at the speed of 110 horses. We'd all be dead. They'd have to burn themselves.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

All women are witch women. They are evil and spend their lives destroying men.

But they are soft and pretty and they smell nice so we let them.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

Lol! This thread was a riot. I love your tone. Unfortunately you are right. Pretty much anything can get you accused as a witch. Also of note, some of those things you listed apply to men too. While not as common, men got accused of witchcraft due to all manner of silly reasons.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

Certainly, all those swanky fools and their Mega-Churches would be in severe trouble by the measures applied in yesteryear. And do not even get me started on air travel!

Welp, send me off then.



-Alee

a reply to: TrueBrit

"This is what today's Lute sounds like" - plays very lovely lute songs that are gentle and light.
"And this is the lute music you listen to now?" - puts on Black Sabbath.

So much burning

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

DB, IAMTAT and I have been threatened on this very site by a Pizza Witch. It's true.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Sounds serious. Tell me more.

originally posted by: Lulzaroonie
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Sounds serious. Tell me more.

We're scared.

Pizza witches, cat witches.

Just look at what the witches did to Trump!

(have you seen his hair!)

I can tell that the OP hasn't studied the inquisition or so called 'witch trials' in any serious manner.

Almost every point listed has almost no bearing on the reality of what actually happened. It's highly exaggerated and twisted and reveals far more of the individual's personal bias and prejudices than it relates any valid historical information.

Anyone who actually wants to know about the subject should spend a few weeks researching actual events.

originally posted by: muzzleflash
I can tell that the OP hasn't studied the inquisition or so called 'witch trials' in any serious manner.

Almost every point listed has almost no bearing on the reality of what actually happened. It's highly exaggerated and twisted and reveals far more of the individual's personal bias and prejudices than it relates any valid historical information.

Anyone who actually wants to know about the subject should spend a few weeks researching actual events.

It was written to be light hearted and funny and the only thing I hope anyone takes away from it is that you're a misery guts and I'm incredibly funny even if you don't think so.

Ps: get in the cart.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

Ok I'm sorry.

I can't tell if people are being serious or not very well unless they explicitly say so (when reading words because I don't hear vocal tones or see body language or facial features etc).

I sincerely apologize for misjudging you as a witch.
Will you please forgive me?

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

Oh and you're right about that.

I am a misery guts and you're incredibly funny.
Thank you for making me smile and not be so misery guts today.

a reply to: muzzleflash

We got no trouble here dude.

I'm sure muzzleflashes were likened to fire from the devils wand, you'd probably be burnt too.

a reply to: muzzleflash

I'm a writer by trade and don't mind a bit of criticism when it's warranted! Thought it was pretty obvious it was satirical though

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

Well it seemed satirical but at the same time I've been surrounded by an ocean of insanity (increasingly so as time passes), and I really couldn't tell. I guess with your name being 'Lulzaroonie' I should have put 2+2 together.

I'm glad to see that you're clever and I am even more impressed that you made a fool of me. That's a very rare trait you possess there.

But remember my dear Lulzaroonie - with Great Power comes Great Responsibility.

I got 11 out of 17. That's good right? Like build a huge bonfire in my honor good?
I've been called a witch since grade school. Consider it a badge of honor. I just have tendencies that people associate with being "crafty". Yet I truly have never cast a spell..at least, not on purpose.