I'm Not Your Friend, Kid! (Because I Love You.)

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

Cool story

*edit
...aside from the spanking sub/dom bit of course

a reply to: grainofsand

GOS. Trust me. I am as anti-spanking as you are, just maybe for different reasons.

I grew up begging for spankings because I knew it was much easier, and a heck of a lot faster, to get the spanking, than to chop the wood, gather a weeks worth of kindling, or wash and wax the hardwood floors in the house, on your hands and knees. The pain was over a lot faster too. My parents were smart enough to know that too, they viewed a spanking as an easy out.

I work with police officers and detectives that remind parents that corporal punishment is "not" a crime. Child abuse is a crime, and there is a big difference. I have one friend that is a detective, she says frequently that she would rather have parents spank their children than to bury them.

You are very lucky to have a 19 year old child that you can have that kind of relationship with and I can see you don't take it for granted. Good for you, because there are a lot of very good parents that have not been as lucky. Life circumstances, environment, and finances, have placed some parents behind the 8 ball. They love their children as much as anyone and they do the best they can.

originally posted by: NightSkyeB4Dawn
a reply to: rickymouse
My dad was a very strict disciplinarian. My mother was fun, creative, reasonable, but very expecting. Neither believed in corporal punishment, much to my chagrin. I would have welcomed a spanking over the punishments my dad would dream up to make sure our transgressions stuck in or minds, so as not to be repeated.

I tried to use a mixture of the lessons I learned from my parents that I felt were effective with me and my 9 siblings. I think I did a fairly good job. Far from perfect but a good job. I watch my little ones raising their little ones and I sometimes have instant flashbacks to another time, because I hear me coming out of their mouths. I was not a BFF. I was a protector, a nurse, a tree, a teacher, a pillow, a cop, a handkerchief; whatever they needed me to be. My children say they always knew what was expected of them. They knew they could ask any question without impunity, and I was consistent with my words and my actions. We did not fight. We had long, sometimes very long, discussions. They didn't always agree with my rules, but they understood why I had them. They also understood the consequences for breaking them.

I found this video funny because during their teen years, I know I said that mantra at least 5 times a week. "I am not your best friend, kid!" "I am your parent!" Of course this was followed by the discussion, long or short version, depending on witch child.

I had to spank my daughter a couple of times when she was little. I change my voice when I am authoritative and all I had to do was change my voice from then on and she knew I was mad at her. I explained to her why she was getting the spanking, and it was actually a kind of wimpy spanking. But she learned that the tone of my voice was associated with it.

If done appropriately, spanking when a kid is young doesn't have to be repeated. We never had to even put her in time out. A few times I took away her priviledges for abusing them, like her computer, minibike, and skates. She had a computer to use back in ninety, nobody in her class had a computer to play games on back then in their room. What does she do now for a living, she does computer work for a corporation that does medical records, her college was worthless but her knowledge of computers got her the contract work.

a reply to: rickymouse

With my children it was the stink eye. I could stop them dead in their tracks with just the right look. Never had to say a word. I have had to use it on a child or two since, the last time being was Sunday past. It still works like a charm.

originally posted by: grainofsand
a reply to: rickymouse

I'm both friends and father to my 19 year old son, can't you multi task?
When he's working with me not at college then the banter is the same as with the rest of my mates, we party together, he is my closest friend where we both know we've got each others backs against the world.

You sound like you want kids who obey you...I only ever wanted a child who understood my advice is always honest and for a good reason.
I'm the first person my son asks for honest advice because we are friends, not because he's been indoctrinated into thinking I'm some all ruling alpha dad.

You deny yourself loads by denying friendship fella. Every father of my son's mates envies our relationship, and have done all the time I've been a father.
I actually feel sorry for you and your full on dad mode thing.

*edit*
My son's mother is a parent before friend type such as yourself, it is why I have known more about what he thinks/feels/does than her all his life...and continuing.

I learned long ago that kids don't always do what you would like them to do. I just wanted the kids to learn to listen till they were old enough to gain Wisdom. After the daughters got to around twenty they started to see when they went wrong, I only try to advise them. I don't drink with my kids, in fact they hardly ever drink anymore. They will go out occasionally with friends, like once every two to three months, but they will have a drink or two at functions or if they go out to dinner once in a while. Nothing wrong with them having a few, the two daughters are both in their thirties.

I'm not pushy, I just try to steer them in the right direction. After warning them they sometimes mess up and I get the "you should have told me not to" once in a while. I was a boss almost all my life, I didn't want to be a boss at home unless I needed to be. They turned out pretty good, I am proud of them. But of course, there are some things they do that make me and the wife cringe sometimes. They have this problem in that they take sides, both me and the wife usually try to avoid conflict. Who taught them to get polarized, it sure wasn't us.

originally posted by: NightSkyeB4Dawn
a reply to: rickymouse

With my children it was the stink eye. I could stop them dead in their tracks with just the right look. Never had to say a word. I have had to use it on a child or two since, the last time being was Sunday past. It still works like a charm.

I save that for dogs and wild animals. I will growl along with it. I remember when I yelled at a bear for attacking a ladies clothesline where she had hanging birdfeeders. The bear came to the other side of the road and stood up, I told it it wasn't allowed to do that, the cops would be called and come and shoot him. It stood there with a puzzled face wondering why I wasn't afraid of him. Heck. he was only about eight feet tall standing on his hind legs and wasn't even over six hundred pounds, he didn't scare me. That is where confidence comes in. Alpha man against bear. He went back to the clothes line and I walked into the street and told him to get out of there. he left, the other neighbors dog went after him, it was a fifteen year old beagle that could barely walk anymore but it had guts.

I got called out twice yesterday. We had a total of 4 victims in a 9 hour period. My last call out was for a young man, that had his world turned inside out because he could not imagine such an evil happening to him.

I don't think I was a bad parent. I wasn't even overly strict, just consistent, yet not inflexible. Sometimes that is what it takes to be a parent. You have to prepare your children for the unthinkable.

I don't know how to get through to parents or children today. It pains me that victims keep showing up, not due to lack of knowledge, but due to a false sense of security.

It is always, "I didn't think it would ever happen to me". How do you break through this mind set?

I should probably place this in a new thread but I think it helps with explaining the problems that parents have to deal with.

Popular culture permeates our lives and it is at the root at the problem. Parents have had their moral fiber impaired, this makes healthy parenting extremely difficult. It is almost impossible for them to raise their children outside of the popular culture, without a lot of kick back for them and their children.

It is all about conformity.

It's look at what an adult can do... eat all the ice cream and whatever they want and hey guess what wine too even at 18 sha you know what un uh. Of course, she is setting her brood up in co-dependence to be a failure at life just like her, the helicopter parent in reverse gear flying backwards. Instead of you will be lil mini me and suceed in all the life I wanted but never got as a lil clone trooper til you break and want to kill someone... it's nah that's ok I put every single enemies face as yours in a video game and snipe you in the head every single time it pops up... arrg ban video games we need more patricide along with hog woman for the matricide as in flip it if you've done peed yourself at such low mindedness.

Children have abilities and gifts unique to them; take the suppressor off of them and listen to their voice on their level they've been here before they know what's up... lil sponge bobs laughing and pooping like ah ha jokes on you... and then oh man, I thought as was ruling a throne in heaven dreaming all I ever imagined, naw you're lil ass was in the womb and so high off your self from the last ego trip that look at these funny lil giants I remember this when I was old and crapping myself haha I'll rule them. back into the frying pan cause without channeling that lil beings growth? You're the one going into the worst frying pan next go round.

Thats how it works even when it doesn't hell in the womb and hell on earth but guess what some can choose that to never ever come back in it again never fall back into those states.

Bye

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

Depends how you raise your kids, you don't have to put them in front of a screen.
I played football, climbed trees, did arts n crafts, built sandcastles, almost anything I could think of that involved interacting and talking with my child.
Other parents I know just stuck their kids in front of a screen.

Busy modern lifestyle is bulll#, lazy parents is all.

originally posted by: grainofsand
a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

Depends how you raise your kids, you don't have to put them in front of a screen.
I played football, climbed trees, did arts n crafts, built sandcastles, almost anything I could think of that involved interacting and talking with my child.
Other parents I know just stuck their kids in front of a screen.

Busy modern lifestyle is bulll#, lazy parents is all.

TV time was minimal in my house. And you are quite right about the parenting effort. It is not a job for the lazy.

It was up at 4am to get everyone where they needed to be by 6am. Never in bed before 11pm, and repeated daily. The children got vacations, but I never got one. I don't want it to seem like I am complaining. Those were some of the best years of my life and I don't regret a one of them.

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

I agree, and I think many parents invent excuses for not putting the effort into parenting.
I've loved every stage of my childs life, from baby to toddler, and now young adult. Effort and hard work for sure, but my favourite age is now, young adult because he really is my most trusted friend.
I cannot understand the 'my child is not my friend' thing, why not?
A friend wants the best for each other, friendship is trust, love, compassion and understanding, and everything in between.

Yes, I made the rules, but not like some authoritarian ruler, more like a friend who knows more and making judgements because I wanted the best for my little friend.
Everything is rushed these days, from crap food parents cook in a microwave, to the 'school run' which is the contrived idea that kids can't walk to school anymore.
I was one of the few parents who actually walked my child when he was little, hand in hand to school, chatting all the way. That time was precious and special to me, but when I hear some parents lamenting 'the school run' like it's a chore I wonder to myself why the # did you have kids if they are such a pain in the arse to you.

a reply to: grainofsand

I cannot understand the 'my child is not my friend' thing, why not? A friend wants the best for each other, friendship is trust, love, compassion and understanding, and everything in between.

Having a relationship with your child that builds a close relationship and sense of friendship is not a bad thing, and is wonderful if it works, but I feel the responsibility of parenting should never take the back seat over the desire for friendship. That is just the way I feel about it.

I raised 3 children. The oldest was a boy, he was seven years older than his sisters which were 2 years apart. Each one of them had their own, and very different personalities. The oldest, from the time he could first make himself understood, was a con man. He thought he could weasel his way out of anything, and he was always trying to wrap someone around his finger. My oldest girl was much like me, the inquisitor, always looking for the why of everything. She loved anything electronic, and cut her teeth on computers. My youngest, she was and is a pistol. Just the facts ma'am, just the facts. From the age of two, all she wanted to know is what was permissible and what were the consequences for doing the impermissible. She would even weigh the pros and cons, come to you to announce her breaking of the rules, and ask to for her punishment.

I have a wonderful relationship with my children, based on respect, love, faith, and trust. The rules were the same for them all; the method of delivery, and the process, was different for each one. It didn't help that I had outside forces that had to be kept in check, due to absence and guilt. It was a challenge to keep a healthy and loving relationship for them with the other important people in their lives. Of, course too many times this made me the bad guy, but someone had to be the parent. They had way too many BFFs.

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

Another point worth mentioning is with only one child it was always going to be easier for me. Dedicated one on one time and such like.
In fact it was the reason I didn't want any more kids, I knew I could give one all I personally felt was needed for a happy upbringing.
I was one of 5 kids, the last, and I craved attention from my parents but they were always 'too busy'.

My experiences certainly influenced my own parenting decisions.

Ran across this video and it speaks to some of the reasons why our children have struggles, especially in the workforce. Unfortunately it speaks to failed parenting techniques as playing a big part.

I am not knocking the parenting of anyone here, but we all know that while we were all perfect parents, there were a lot of parents that were just lousy at it.

i want ice cream right now

a reply to: Muntic0re
See that is one of the things that is the problem. You can get so easily triggered with crap on the internet.