Need some advice on a strange situation

a reply to: berenike

You offer sound advice thank you!!! I wish I could email you a bottle of scotch you can 3d print and drink lol

a reply to: Brotherman

I'm teetotal but I did manage to feel a bit woozy when I read your post. Hic...

originally posted by: Nickn3
a reply to: Brotherman Let me be clear, Run fast, Run far. Break all contact. Move on.

LOL ... I've had to star your posts in-thread, because that's the other side of the best advice one could offer.

Been burned once have you?? LOL

a reply to: Snarl



like this lol

You just can't get fooled again, and men and fish can co-exist

My 2 cents.

Both of you were and are good people. Two people CAN sit down and have an "exploratory chat", catch up in general and you can get a sense of her perspective on all this.

You don't have to immediately jump to ANY actions. By to doing so neither are you closing the door on the potential necessity of having to do so later.

The baby looks happy and healthy and is a knockout!
She obviously is a good mother from the information you've given and the grandparents are seemingly involved in his life as well. All good for stability for the little guy.

My son is currently going thru this with an Ex, but unfortunately she has severe (legitimate) mental health issues so as she's deteriorating he's stepping in. Previously respecting her wishes he'd given her some distance yet they worked out a visitation schedule. It CAN be done amicably.

I would prefer a DNA test, something my son is resisting, not the mother. I know go figure?

The child is the MOST important thing right now and the decisions need to come from BOTH of you. Relaxed communication is the key.

originally posted by: Nickn3
a reply to: Brotherman Let me be clear, Run fast, Run far. Break all contact. Move on.

The best advice I've seen on this post.......run far and fast....you can't fix crazy!

Brotherman

I'm not an expert..lol..so this is only my opinion. You have to do whats right for you and the situation you're in. But I would talk to a lawyer first, he will advise you of the best way to inform her. Sometimes, they don't want you to talk directly, sometimes they tell you to do so before you file a case.

I don't usually lawyer up, but in this case I would. Because, they document every move and every conversation or interaction between the two parties. And it is legal documentation. (for use as proof you tried in the future)

The only thing I know for sure is, people change and so do their circumstances. What she is sure she won't do today may be the only option she has later in life..depending on personal and financial situations. And taking no action is giving her a life long free pass to mess with your life in the future.

just my thoughts on things from what you've said.. I don't know the whole story..so I can't give an informed decision/opinion

thanks,
blend57

a reply to: blend57

Thank you, I don't know the whole story either so that's two of us, I do value your opinion though.

The simple fact that you care enough not to run away and try to gently get down to the truth of the matter says so much about you OP. I hope you get this resolved for everyone involved.. and if you are the daddy.. you have already been a great example of how a good man behaves. Best wishes.👍🏼

a reply to: Sheye

Thank you, and I love the painting in your avatar!

I don't know if I am a good man or a bad man, I am just a man. I have done so many terrible things in my past even if those things I thought were for good reasons, I have done good things too. In the end I am deaf, dumb, and blind man no different then the guy to left of me, no different then the one to my right. I do try to do the right thing.

Damn... he does look like you.

What a freaking mess. I'm sorry to hear about this. I get irritated when I hear feminists shriek about men always abandoning their children, when there is so often cases where they've been manipulated by the mother.

You just really need to analyze your feelings about being a father- perhaps see a therapist to help you work out your thoughts?

Ideally, it would be good to visit in person with the mom and better gauge her feelings.... and let her look you in the eyes and feel whether she can trust you.

My son got into a mess in which he met an older woman on the web, he fell hard for her, they very quickly decided to marry, then she said "I can't get pregnant, the doctor said. Since we're going to be married, we can stop using birth control."

She got pregnant almost instantly, and the day she found out, she calmly came home, told him he could leave now (he'd just moved in with her) and she was going back to her girlfriend. She'd been in a lesbian relationship but wanted a kid. She got one.

Since then, it has been a heartbreaking ordeal for him and us. The child is 6 years old now, and the mom has been totally unreasonable about him being able to see her.

From the beginning, he made the decision to claim paternity (in France, a man has to make a legal claim of paternity within three days of birth, even if the couple is married). He was afraid she would be difficult about it, and we were sure she wouldn't.

Now, I hate to say it, but it might have been better for all involved if he had not claimed paternity and just walked away.

His own father refused to see him when he was a child, and they got to know each other once he became an adult. My son actually thanked his genetic father for not interfering with his childhood! He grew up with a stepfather who loves him and he know feels it would have been too complicated if his real father had been in the picture.

Only you can decide what to do. But I know that in the US there is a lot of pressure for men to accept paternal rights, as a duty. But that it is mainly financial duty that is considered. That is what brings about most of the conflicts. I hate that the question of relationship gets boiled down to dollars, as if a father is nothing but a bank for his children.

It really would be best if you could discuss this with her in person. If nothing else, keeping contact with the mother, so that she sends photos, updates, and keeps lines open in case the child wants or needs to meet you, would be good idea.
Both of you need to think of the child first. He might be young yet, but I promise you, it gets more complicated as they get older and they start wanting answers.

First...Do the DNA test.
If you're NOT the Dad... Bully!
If you ARE the Dad...then, CONGRATULATIONS...you have a beautiful son.

Your life will never be the same again...your life will never all be just about you...it will (and should) be about him too!
But...CONGRATULATIONS...you have a beautiful son...who will eventually need (and love) his dad.

NOW it seems like your life just got complicated...and it has...BUT, as the years go by with you and your son...you'll realize that that boy (YOUR boy) is the greatest thing in your life.

Take this from a Dad who raised (by himself) two young sons to become great young men.

I've achieved a great deal in my life...But my sons are the greatest blessing in my life; everything else matters little by comparison.

a reply to: Bluesma

I agree with you and thank you for your insight and personal accounts, I feel more empowered because people here are talking to me about this. I really mean that too. Sadly between the Girl and I, I feel like if mine, between us it can only be friends at best because I kind of feel loveless these days romantically, only sense of duty and purpose other then that I am something else entirely different.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Thats an incredible thing you said. If it is my son, I can't wait to teach him what I know about art, welding, machines and learn his interests and strengths. I fear what I will have to do to make that possible if mine.

If not mine I fear that I had interupted my ex girlfriends life in a drastic and uncertain way and adversely done things because her parents wanted to tell me its my baby.

The situation sucks right now, but I will do my best to rectify these problems and find resolve in both conflict and truth.

a reply to: Brotherman

I had a longer reply written here for You, but decided against it. It may have put thoughts in Your head, that You don't need right now.
IMO I would get DNA testing, and proceed with custody. That baby does look a like You and I would say is Yours! Beautiful Baby, BTW...
Best of Good Luck with all of this. Syx...

Either your girl has a very very specific type she is attracted to or that's your kid.
Tell her not to be selfish to her child by denying him a parent.
And be sure you are ready to support a child financially because she has not come after that yet but she surely will.
Order a DNA test through child services. She will have to provide the child for sampling.

a reply to: Sillyolme

I wouldn't blame her, I am a sexy man beast.

a reply to: Brotherman

DNA then stay or go away. Pay for it yourself and stress it's best each party know for positive those results.. either way. Especially the child...

Good luck and the best to you....
MS

a reply to: Brotherman
Stop getting your hopes up - that's the gambler's dynamic! If you psych yourself up for miracles then the disappointment will be unbearable if it doesnt go through. Unfulfilled hopes are the main cause of depression!

Run through two scenarios, where hes yours and where he's not. Go through the benefits of each so that no matter the outcome you will be happy. It sounds to me like you still have feelings for the woman and the child is your "in" with her, and you are succumbing to that desire. Don't let that happen, think with your head, not your heart, and let destiny happen.

why did the parents even bother calling you if all they were going to say is

she had a baby, she doesn`t know who the father is and she won`t allow a DNA test

I would have said to them:

so why the F**K are you calling me?