My Epiphany

Several months ago I had an experience that I would like to share and get feedback on. It seems that many on this site (myself included) simply read posts and reply, or post things second hand without getting personal. I feel the best posts are the ones detailing the experiences of the individual posting, so I'm overcoming my reservations of risk and ridicule to write a post about my epiphany. Be gentle with me.

I've been struggling mightily against major difficulties in the last several years - the death of my parents in 2000, my grandfather and oldest brother(42) in 2002, and a disabling auto accident in 2001 that had me waking up from back surgery to the 9/11 disaster (a story in itself). The last two years have seen me re-injure my back at work and my marriage completely unravel, with my precious 5-year old son in the balance. My divorce is final, but I'm allowing my ex to live with me because she is broke, doesn't have a job, and my son needs his mom.

Anyway, back in August I was dealing with all this and decided to take a break, go to the corner bar, watch pre-season football, and have a beer. The Giants were playing the Panthers and it was nice to relax for a minute and watch the game. I started my career in management working in bars and clubs and am quite familiar with the scene, so it was soothing to just sit and forget for awhile.

After the game, I went home and was accosted by my soon to be ex. I had requested a restraining order against her from my attorney the previous Monday for being physically and verbally abusive, she had been fired from another job on Tuesday, and I had reached the limit of my ability to cope with her tirades. So I changed clothes and went back to the bar, which of course meant that I was going to meet some hussy and commit adultery (yeah, right). When I returned to the bar, things had definitely changed for the worse, and I could read the place like the back of my hand. Apparently, it was 'Sons of Hell' night, and a mortorcycle gang by that name had the place pretty much to itself, except for me. After years of running clubs, it was obvious to me what was going on. The 'brains' of the group sized me up as I ordered a beer, and as I turned to look the place over I could tell, those are the hookers over there, those guys are selling the drugs, and those guys by the door are the ones who are going to beat the crap out of me if I don't finish my drink and leave. It was almost like I had ESP. Actually, it was exactly like that.

So I drank up and left. When I got back home again, it was like a veil had been lifted and my confusion over the disfunction in my marriage was gone. Somehow, being in the familiar environment of the bar and reading the place like a book had restored my confidence in my own perceptions. I saw with utter clarity that my soon to be ex was not intersted in my well-being, but in my demise to her benefit. A true soul-sucker, and I had been married to her for almost nine years.

I went out to my work bench in the garage (my only personal space in the house at the time) and started to pray. I went through my prayers and began trying to meditate on my situation and the possible solutions to it. Suddenly, a question rose into my mind, demanding an answer. It was 'what do you really want?'. I thought it over for a second, and the answer was clear. I want peace. Not just for me, not an instant gratification feeling that is quickly replaced by desire for something else, but peace and healing for the entire world. I reviewed all my old animosities, including those involving my future ex and every slight or injury or disappointment I had suffered, and came to the realization that nothing mattered more to me than peace and healing. Something like 'well, alright now' rose into my mind from the same source as before, and suddenly I was flooded with realizations of what I can only describe as the truth. Starting with my head, my whole body began tingling. The closest thing I can relate it to is an involuntary shiver, but it was much deeper and more powerful than anything I'd ever felt before, and it didn't stop. After a minute, the feeling seemed to gather at the base of my lower back where I have a torn disk. There is no doubt in my mind that I was being healed, not completely all at once, but definitely a powerful start. The feeling was so powerful and overwhelming that I started to get scared that it would sweep me up with it and carry me away from this existence. I have to stick around to take care of my boy, so I somehow pulled away from the feeling and it subsided. But it hasn't gone away entirely, and I don't want it to. My sister-in-law says that what I'm feeling is the presence of the Holy Spirit, and I think she is right. All the challenges of my life are still there, and I still have a ways to go healing from my injuries and getting my life back on track, but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction now, and I have my confidence back. Nothing is different, but everything has changed. For the better. May peace and healing come to us all in our time of need.

That sounds like a wonderful miracle in your life. Prayer is very powerful. I hope your ex becomes your ex quickly and you can move forward from there

your an indigo, your inner child is opening your eyes

youve been living in a dream world

Thank you so very much for sharing that story, it proves that the Holy Spirit does exist and can reveal itself when we let go and let God... When the Holy Spirit reveals itself, it is because God is communicating with you and letting you know that He can hear your prayer and wants to heal you of all of your afflictions, physical, emotional and spiritual. He does this because you came to him in earnest. Beautiful!!

Icelandia

that really is a great story to be able to tell.

Thank you, Icarus, for sharing this. It is a heart-healing thing to share with you.

I will be praying for you. I am sorry for the trials you're having to endure right now, but I'm very grateful for the answered prayer of peace you received.

God-speed, and please continue to share with us.

Sounds alot like a kundalini awakening to me.
But it could be the holy spirit, who knows?

that is very beautiful. thank you for sharing.

prayer has been the answer for me in the past, though I've not experienced something so defined, there have been moments of awakening for me.

for one example: i try to routinely pray for the well being and happiness of the people in my life that fill me with anger, ones i might even say I hate. this was upon the advise of an author who wrote basically that repetition causes becoming, if you get my drift. it worked against those destructive feelings until i truly did wish them well being. and one day, i looked at myself in the mirror and realized i didn't hate this one specific person anymore. it was a powerful moment of peace. i'm still working on it though...

You are blessed to have felt the Holy Spirit so closely. It helps me (and I'm assuming others) to hear that miracles and healing do happen.

I really appreciate all the positive feedback, from those who responded and those who just took an interest to read about my experience. I don't know what being an indigo or having a kundalini awakening means, which is great because it gives me something to look into and further validates the networking done on this site. If anyone would like to add more or someone else has something to say, I'd love to read about it.

peace out

Originally posted by Icarus Rising
I really appreciate all the positive feedback, from those who responded and those who just took an interest to read about my experience. I don't know what being an indigo or having a kundalini awakening means, which is great because it gives me something to look into and further validates the networking done on this site. If anyone would like to add more or someone else has something to say, I'd love to read about it.

peace out

Hey Man,

I love the story. There are people that go through things just like you. Some things that I don’t even care to repeat. It may not be something that is easy to explain anyway.

I went through a lot of hardships and sorrow in the past few years. My life its turing around now finally. I was sure I should have just given up.

I am a catholic, but I do not follow the church by the book. I believe in all of its orginal guidelines and what its stands for. But at the same point I believe in humanity, and I am a positivist.

There is so much debate these days about religion, which is right, which is wrong. What is God who is God. But every positive religion encompasses the preservation of humanity and kindness. I believe that you will know when you are the person you should be, or the person you can be. All other things will follow and God will provide you with the tools to live happy.

"Everything you do it comes back to you. Whatever it may be.
If it isn't one thing rest assured that something.
Will come back and pay you for your deed
A shortcut's a self defeating means, if you cannot do it clean.
You'll never reach your reward.
And when the day is done, what you receive is the sum.
Of what you took out, from what you put in." - 311

Originally posted by IndridCold
Sounds alot like a kundalini awakening to me.
But it could be the holy spirit, who knows?

the Kundalini thing, you, Icarus Rising,
might be able to access every now & then


the part where you became skiddish,
from feeling? you shouldn't be receiving? such 'grace'
or healing or 'knowledge-enlightenment'
because your just a mortal, sinner, emotional, passionate, man?

then 'drawing away'
only to discover that the cup doesn't fill-to-overflowing
...but, your cup itself, grows larger !

keep in mind
you took only as much as you needed...(at that moment)...
i think our altrustic-selves behave in a different manner than
our worldly-wise, darwinistic, higher-animal selves.

peace~

Totally awesome to hear that experience, thank you very much. It's something I needed right now.

This post in continuation of the post from the skunk works david chappelle posting.

First off ..your post at the begining of this thread needs some clarification.
I dont exactly know what you do for a living but I gathered by your post you have some keen insight to some avenues of human behavior having tended and managed a bar. Very good training for some avenues of understanding human behavior.

Second ...this is a knowlege most men never get and as a result of never getting this knowlege most women dont get it either ..neither will they believe it ..many of them even if you tell them.
The long lasting valuable commodity a man gets from a good woman ..is Peace...not Piece. Understand????? Piece is the least valuable commodity one gets from women.. the very least. Unfortunately for many dumb ignorant men they are dumb enought to get it exactly backwards. Piece will never be a commodity in short supply. for many women it is the only commodity they know or are well integrated into. Anything else would take commitment ..when the appearence of commitment gets alot of them through life while keeping you on thier tredmill.
This is not a womans fault...it is a mans fault for not knowing the difference and defaulting over to a womans settings on her dial while he is constantly trying to jump to her ever changing level on her bar. This is why I say there is such a dumb bunch of men out here who dont know any better or different. On a mans part this is not leadership...it is trying out for approval. Many women will show contempt for a man who does this.

I have had to tell many women I have known that I dont have time for their insecuritys. It doesnt matter whether they have children or not. I need a well rounded woman who can bring me Peace..not just Piece. Peace takes real commitment from a woman ..Piece does not.
This woman obviously wants something from you without work and without commitment on her part. She will use a harsh mouth and lack of Peace to get you to perform for her and nothing will suffice. This is called confusion. Its up to you to know who or what is the author of Confusion.
As a man do not ever settle for second best from a woman if you are in fact constantly putting up first fruits for second or third fruit conduct from her. The children will eventually pick up on this conduct and continue and reinforce the conduct to thier benifit. You will find yourself further in the hole.
I have told many women I have seen when they try to reinforce the points that are important to them....I dont care if you or your children like me at all. Its more important that I am respected than liked. I am not intrested in trying out for approval or to be expendable or disposable ..for being liked.

About Magick...the important function of Magick is to get you to think a certain way..and believe a certain way..therefore you will conduct yourself a certain way. Substituting belief systems is a important part of Magick. Often along with this is substituting of belief systems is substituting value systems hence performance changes. Your beliefs are subtilty changed therefore your values then your performance. This is how much magick works. It gets into your soul before you know it.
Remember this about Magick..if it worked so well we would be able to get things and commoditys without work. This doesnt happen. Most magick is about seduction. A substitution.
The power of many women over men is exactly this substitution and before even many know what has happened.
You have to learn to cut them off ...and do so clearly and decicively..no wiggling. If you wiggle many will run over you like a Mac Truck on the interstate. And rightly so. As I have said so before..what a dumb bunch of men.

Thanks Icarus,
Orangetom

Yes, when I got wise to the game and withdrew my participation is when she really came after me. She felt betrayed, I guess, and I did feel like I helped to create the monster. I was so oblivious for so long, just trying to make her happy any way I could, and devastated to the point of frustration and anger that I couldn't. I guess she planned to walk all over me forever, or at least until she collected on my life insurance policy.

Then she started treating our son the same way, only with more physical abuse thrown in, and thats what really got her in trouble. He identifies with me so much, I truly listen to and understand him and what he's going through. She is very threatened by how close we are, and constantly seeks to undermine our interaction. Its not working out for her though.

Just this month I finally filed an unlawful detainer to force her to move out. My goal was to maintain geographic proximity to my son, and I think I have accomplished that. I hope she makes good on her plan to move out on the first, as I have a writ of possession, but would hate to have a sheriff's deputy enforce it.

Funny, she told me her family (from the Bay Area) was going camping in mid-August up past Tyrone, Ca., then denied it and got all mad when I asked her about it later. She said she meant Tiburon. I made a post about that experience which I will link to below. It has to do with the occult practices angle.

Were they at Bohemian Grove?

I deeply appreciate your interest and perspective. Thanks again, Orangetom

That moment of clarity and healing are always wonderful experiances, may you have many more.

Wonderful story my friend, thanks for sharing.

Love and light,

Wupy

You are certainly welcome and for you my thanks for your tale and the view into this personal history.

I will now tell you something I know and have experienced about certain peoples involved in this type of conduct for which you describe.

I have had dealings twice with what some would term Luciferians. The intresting thing I know about them, having come under good tutorage, is that when confronted properly they cannot tell you the name of their god. They must use euphanisms..abbreviations. But they cannot tell you the name of thier god. Twice when I lead the conversation carefully down this path ...the look on their face and the knowlege that I knew what I was not supposed to know..then the announcement by them that they could not tell me they had taken a oath. This is a very strange conduct to behold in person. When the totallity of what you are experiencing occurs to you ...it is a very strange thing to behold.

As to this woman..Yes I have seen this type of insecurity taken out on the children. I dont approve of this male or female. And it is insecurity. It is not victimization. It is insecurity. Most people never think of insecurity being expressed as agression but it often is.
I know someone close to me and divorced from a black woman. She too is highly manipulative. Even expressing this on again and off again thing about wanting to get back together. I keep asking him if he really thinks he will ever get Peace from her. The answer is always no..it is always one sesson of manipulation of him or his son. We sometimes call this type of woman a Drama Queen. This can apply to men also but in this case it is a woman. By the way..same circumstances..the son identifys with him and his grandma more than her. She just doesnt get it. She doesnt see that by the time this kid is in his teens he will already be long ago on to her.

For some reason many ..not all but many black women have this very high predispositoin to treat their men badly..like dirt. It seems that once they lose respect ..*some* women treat thier men like dirt. And many of the men just take it and perform without thinking and with thier tails between their legs like bad puppy dogs who have wet on the floor.....which while the women will accept this for awhile they dont respect this kind of trying out for female approval....they eventually show contempt for the man and anything he does for his children. Very highly manipulative of them.
You learn over the years not to jump through hoops for this type of woman. When you leave one of these women ..you just leave them...you dont do anything else to them..you just leave them right were they are. They will respect that more than anything else. This makes them just like a man...no one cares if you or they like it or not. You just leave them right where they are at.

Its about Peace...Icarus Rising..how to find Peace with a woman..not about Piece. Once you know this for a fact..all the Oprahs or magick will not be able to hide or conceal this simple fact....Peace.

Thanks,
Orangetom

[edit on 24-12-2005 by DontTreadOnMe]

they had taken a oath

Yes, I believe they are sworn to secrecy on pain of death, or maybe something even worse, God help them.

I would have just left her here, but the legal entanglements of my holding the lease on the house without her name on it precluded me from leaving, as she very well could have squatted here indefinitely while I remained legally liable for the cost. The landlord had no inclination to lease the place to her, and with her unstable employment history, there was little assurance she would take over paying the rent. Also, I had something to prove to myself about my newfound commitment to peace.

[edit on 24-12-2005 by Icarus Rising]

Yes I understand as I know people who are apartment managers and many of thier concerns.
Instability is not one of the atributes they look for in a tenant.

Hope it works out for you soon. It can in fact become a test of wills if you let it.

Hope the holidays work out fine for you
Take care and God Bless you and your house. Peace be with you.
Orangetom

Thanks.

I know it all sounds pretty farfetched and I'm so all over the place with it. I sound like a topper, even to myself. You know, one of those people who always has to tell a better story than the one he just heard. That's ok, a lot of this stuff is speculation and it would be difficult or impossible for me to prove any of it beyond a reasonable doubt. I have just had so many strange experiences throughout my life, and especially in the last five years, that I keep reaching farther and farther to try and explain it all. This site has been a great venue to relate my experiences and voice my concerns. I think I overdo it and lose credibility. That's ok, too, I'm not trying to convince anybody of anything, just trying to understand all the strange goings on around me.

I'm grateful for the feedback and perspective I gain in the process. I am much more stable and reliable than my postings would suggest, and very little of this bleeds over into my day to day life in the 'real' world. A place for everything and everything in its place.

Things are working out for me, as well as or better than could be expected under the circumstances. My will has been tested again and again, and it is the strength of my faith that sees me through every time. That is truly my greatest blessing - my faith. Everything else flows from that.

The holidays are going well for me, all things considered.

May you and yours have abundant peace and joy this holiday season and throughout the coming year.

Intresting development here on ATS.
I was looking for info on how to get into this members section. It appears that you must have so many points accumulated to gain entrance. When I found it it seems I have been given a warning about the above posting by someone named Dont Tread on Me.
The warning is as follows

"I find your post about most black women being manipulative and most black men being dumb as dirt rather offensive and somewhat racist.
Care to make any changes before I do? "

I do not recall my post being about most black women..I said as I recall in the above post " many " black women. I also did not think the post was racist. I also dont recall making the statement about black men being dumb as dirt. Also if I do recall in many of my posts ..on different boards I "have " made statements about men in general being dumb or dumb as dirt. Not a particular group..but most men in general .especially about women.
Icarus If you thought this earlier posting of mine was racist I would appreciate your letting men know about it. It was not intended to be so.

One of the guys I asked about this trend in women ..particularly black women.. is a fellow ham radio operator. Since he is black I decided to approach him about this. During a conversation one evening I asked him why this noticable trend is particulary dominant among black women. I asked him why so many black women often lose respect for their men so quickly and easily. I was a bit taken back at his answer as it was something I had never considered before.
He told me that going back to the days of slavery ..the black man was often sold off ..to other owners and the black women had to make it on thier own...often with thier children. As a result the men became ..mentally/psychologically a disposable commodity to these women. These women learned to fend for themselves and thier children. What this means as I was refering to in earlier conversations ...male disposability and expendability in the black community is higher than non blacks. I was a bit stunned by this answer as I had never heard this from a black or a non black person. I had no reply for him other than thanks for making this clear to me. I was stunned and had never heard this view ..from any "expert". My guess is that socially this is among many black women ..a view they use on many men ..irregardless of race. I suppose this is not a knowlege that any man irregardless of race would flash to the public on a billboard or in a public school textbook.
Intresting to me that someone would find this line of thinking and posting somewhat racist..but not if Oprah says it ..it must be true and gospel. Its not racism nor is it sexism!!!!

This , Icarus Rising , is the source of my statement for the predisposition of many black women treating their men in this manner. I dont know if you have ever heard this before? I have actually seen this conduct among many of these women. It disturbs me when I see it.
Nevertheless..it was not intended to be racist. I do not know why someone would think so.

Obviously I dont have much use for this type of Queen Bee type of thinking or conduct..from any woman. It makes Peace very difficult to get or maintain. Peace is the most valuable commodity for which I come to a woman. Not Piece.

Thanks,
Orangetom