posted on Jan, 29 2005 @ 01:10 AM
Thisi s an e-mail I got funniest one ever.
>I sure wouldn't want this to happen to me. Yes it is very funny.
>
>laughing out loud when you read this.....just so you know
>this has had me laughing so hard I am crying,.. thank heaven it didnt happen to
>me
>
>True story.
>
>All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal -
>the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and
>now .. ..The Wax.
>
>My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work,
>fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought
>that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I
>should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video
>and
>head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those
>cold
>wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in
>your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore
>the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background.
>No
>muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls
>but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You
>d think.
>
>So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
>stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the
>wax
>(I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer! And heat the
>SOB
>to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come
>back to haunt me.)
>
>I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so
>it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this!
>Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body
>hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!
>
>With my next wax strip, I move north.
>
>After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one
>with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The
>Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot
>on
>the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the
>right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and
>stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long
>strip.)
>
>I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
>
>RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
>
>I'm blind! Blind from the pain! . Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed
>to
>pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP!
>Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums?
>
>OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered
>pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my
>triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold
>medallist.
>
>
>But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?
>
>Where Could the wax go, if not on the strip?
>
>Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
>
>I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am
>touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"
>
>And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar
>Baby."
>
>I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is
>now Covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up
>until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.
>
>I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.
>And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass?
>Sealed shut.
>
>A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to # anytime soon.
>Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying
>desperately to figure out what I should do next.
>
>Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and
>get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong.
>
>I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
>prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.
>
>Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having
>them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot
>water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
>
>So now I'm stuck to the tub.
>
>I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school So
>surely
>she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's ever good
>to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are stuck to the tub."
>
>She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter.
>
>She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. "Are we talking
>cheek
>or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.
>
>I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call The
>number
>on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax
>actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co.
>and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them
>on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to
>end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.
>
>"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wa
>x
>off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than
>covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN
>dry
>shaving the sticky wax off!
>
>In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to Other
>subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion
>provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming
>It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we
>hang
>up.
>
>I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the Hair
>is
>still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that
>point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
>Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
>
>Tonight, I attempt hair dying.