What's Your "Parenting Style".

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: InTheLight
I can't agree with treating adults like children, because that is playing the I am the parent and you are the child mind game, and that is disrespectful.

It is not to be taken as a literal style of management but a figurative one as I explained in my reply to BFFT.

Figurative, where? Spoon feed me please.

a reply to: InTheLight

Read my second reply to BFFT.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

I had to look up who Kinky is - a satirist...am I on the right track?

a reply to: InTheLight

Yes, but his point is valid in the scenario I described to BFFT.

a reply to: InTheLight

Its not meant to baby them. Its more that you take the time to explain it in adequate detail, use smaller words so there is no confusion, etc. Its all part of "clear, concise communication" (the name of a stupid management training to received back a few years)

a reply to: Atsbhct

Do as much with them as you can. Teach them about the various key dangers (sharp, pokey, hot, electricity and chemicals) and how to handle (or not) dangerous things. Let them climb, experiment with everything and in general, do things that shock (in a a bad way) most rational people. By age 2, they'll be shocking people (in a good way) with the things they do and know.

Also, give real answers to questions. "How does the sun work?" Shouldn't be answered with, "by shining the Lord's Light on us!" - it should be answered with a basic explanation of fusion. My son went through a "what's x made of?" and "what's inside x?" phase. I never brushed questions off or gave nonsense "kid answers."

It took a lot of answering a lot of questions, but he doesn't have to ask "why?" 8 billion times about the same thing the way many kids do for years, because I didn't confuse him with lies. The sky isn't blue because a giant Smurf is hugging Earth. It's blue because the air molecules bend the light and make it look blue (followed by showing how a prism works.)

What's inside water? Not "nothing, it's just water." Just explain its made up of molecules called Hydrogen and Oxygen. When the combine together, they make water molecules. You'll then explain what molecules are. If you keep answering, you'll get to quarks, etc. and ultimately explain that nobody knows for sure yet if there's anything smaller. Then you'll explain that people keep experimenting and learning new things.

It's more momentary effort than appeasement, but it's WELL well worth it!

a reply to: Atsbhct

Rule #1. Stick to your guns. If you say no stick to it ALWAYS. There will be times once in a blue moon when you will give in but this should be an extremely rare occasion. If you do this the child won't wine and cry to get you to change your mind because they know they will be wasting their breath. This will save you years of headaches.

Rule #2. See rule number one.

originally posted by: Alien Abduct
a reply to: Atsbhct

Rule #1. Stick to your guns. If you say no stick to it ALWAYS. There will be times once in a blue moon when you will give in but this should be an extremely rare occasion. If you do this the child won't wine and cry to get you to change your mind because they know they will be wasting their breath. This will save you years of headaches.

Rule #2. See rule number one.

The problem with that is, that if your children are smart, you have to be smarter.

Any which way, it is a sacrifice of your own life.

a reply to: Atsbhct

Well, congrats on your new son! Eleven weeks is such an adorable age! Pure love, and a lot of lost sleep, lol! Cherish every moment, first off, and take LOTS of pics. They grow so fast; you'll be amazed how fast he changes.

As for a parenting "philosophy", much is just common sense. For a baby, don't leave him crying. All that does is teach him that no one cares, and it never works out well. Sure, the baby will eventually stop, but is that the goal? If a baby is crying, there is a reason. Even if he is just lonely, that matters. Far better to stay close, in those early days, and show him that people care when he has a need. He'll grow up more secure, and stable, as a result. Lots of love, lots of eye contact and praise for accomplishments, is always good for a baby. I HIGHLY recommend the "What To Expect the First Year" and "What To Expect the Toddler Years" books. Vast store of information, and great guidelines for what you can look for at each stage of his life.

As he grows, be sure to set sensible rules, and limitations, for his safety, and it's alright to scold a toddler. Even a light tap isn't bad, or harmful, if the behavior is dangerous. Better a small swat for reaching for a stove, for example, than a burn. Avoid anger, when possible, and trade off discipline as needed, so he grows up understanding that his parents support one another, and also to allow cooling off as needed. As he grows, he will be able to understand more, and you can explain why certain rules are in place. Kids can appreciate that they aren't allowed to do a thing, if they know it's because of a possible danger. Be honest, be fair, and be firm. Be a parent, not a best friend. Be sure to stick to punishments, fairly set, so that he grows up with a respect for the rules. Show, though example, how to treat others. Whatever behavior a child sees from parents, he's likely to repeat. Be a good example.

You are guaranteed to see problems. There will be things he does that drive you crazy, chances are, and frustration. The better example you set, though, the better he will behave. I have five, ranging from grown with kids to teens, so speaking from long experience here! The two grown ones work, and are responsible. The oldest has kids, and, even being my "problem child" (thanks to an overly permissive grandmother), is a stable adult, doing well at her job, and raising three awesome kids. The next oldest is single, but working, and responsible, very polite and well behaved. No drug issues for any of them, or legal problems. The teens are all well behaved; they do chores, perform well with their schoolwork (we home school, so I KNOW), and are behaved well enough that I have had many compliments on that over the years. They aren't perfect, but they are good kids, and I am proud of them. The occasional issue arises, of course, but can be dealt with, with love and consideration, from a stable base.

As for parenting books, James Dobson is the only one I trust for those. Yes, Christian perspective, so keep that in mind.

originally posted by: Sillyolme
Right now your job is to keep the little guy alive and happy.
The parenting doesn't really begin until the neighbors are at your door complaining about your kid lol.

If you wait that long to parent, you might as well give p before you start!! Parenting starts at birth, and doesn't stop till they are productive members of society!

originally posted by: Observationalist
a reply to: Atsbhct

Congrats!!
I am a father of 4 kiddos. My advice is be flexible and available.

Expectations are nice, make them realistic and practical. We promised that our kids would never eat french fries with all that high fructose corn syrup ketchup. Now I'm thinking of getting my daughter a shirt that says I put ketchup on my ketchup. You will win some and loose some just don't loose their trust.

*snip*

Excellent advice. As for the ketchup, off topic, but French's makes one without the high fructose corn syrup! I have ketchup fiends here, so I can relate!!!

a reply to: TheAlleghenyGentleman

Heh... that would be *insert appropriate expletive here* pudding!

Not to be confused with Black Pudding, or blood sausage as I have also heard it called.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I didn't know that being placed in solitary counted as "getting out of prison".

Holy cow, after reading some of the responses in this thread, I think I'm doomed.

a reply to: Atsbhct

First and foremost.... CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

I know it's a cliché but it is absolutely true that they grow up WAY....TOO....FAST!!! I know it's easy to say but really do your best to soak it all in. In the blink of the eye your son will be walking, talking and you may be left wondering, "What happened to our little baby?" (As a reference, our little guy is 5 years old).

To your post in general.... I saw this thread yesterday and it had me thinking about my wife and my parenting "philosophy." We never read any books or subscribed to a specific philosophy but if I HAD TO put a name to it.... I would say we follow a philosophy of Consistency.

I work days and she works nights. Although we don't get much time together during the week, it's well worth it because for the most part we've never had to worry about finding childcare. That also means that, especially during the school year when he has to be up in the morning, the bulk of the "work" falls on me (which I don't really mind because I suspect we get more one-on-one time together than a lot of child-father pairs out there).

Anyway, back to consistency. Kids like adventure and the unexpected but I believe they also need routine. Our son knows exactly what to expect each day when Daddy gets home and Mommy goes to work. He knows when its time for dinner. He knows when its time for homework. He knows when it's bath time and he knows when it's bed time. I keep this schedule essentially 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Yes, I do let him stay up a little bit later on weekends or days that he doesn't have school (so he can sleep in and let my wife sleep a little bit longer).

An offshoot of consistency is another thing we are teaching him and that is Delayed Gratification. Beyond my expectation that he sticks with our routine without b-tching and moaning, he is expected to put his toys away and straighten up his room when I ask him each night. He has learned (the hard way in a few instances) that there are consequences if he does not. (He's 5 so I don't expect the room to be immaculate but toys should at least be piled in one corner of the room and any clothes lying around should be put in the hamper and any dishes should be put in the sink).

It goes a little something like this.... If he behaves Monday through Friday, when we do our errands on the weekend, he gets to pick out a new toy. Nothing extravagant. Just a car or small Transformer or something along those lines. He also knows that if there is a toy that is a bit more substantial that he wants, he can "bank" his toy getting privilege so that by not getting a toy on weekend 1, he can get a bigger one on weekend 2.

Here's the catch though.... He has learned that Daddy has a long memory. If he behaves Monday, acts like a prick on Tuesday then acts okay the rest of the week..... Sorry kiddo, no toy this week. The first time I held the line with this was one of the first times that I truly felt the, "This hurts me more than it hurts you" thing. I hate seeing my kid cry but I wouldn't be doing him any favors if I let him get away with things and not stay true to his word/obligations.

Speaking of staying true to one's word, another thing I do is NEVER lie to the kid. I don't mean stop him from believing in Santa Clause or anything. I mean if I tell him I'm going to do something, I do it. For example, if I tell him, "After work tomorrow I'll take you to the park" and the next day is a long one and I'm exhausted by the time I get home, I still make sure I take him to the park. I want him to know not only that he can believe what I say, but that the same is expected of him.

There's about 85 thousand other things I want to write about but I need to make sure I get this bit of unsolicited advice in here...

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I CAN TELL A NEW PARENT
I really, sincerely hope that you are one of the few people that this never happens to but in all likelihood it will happen.

Babies cry. At times here and there for a wide variety of reasons, they cry a LOT. They can literally cry for an hour at a time or more.

That being said, there were a handful of occasions when my wife was at work and it was late into the night and our little guy just would NOT stop crying, let alone go to sleep. You try everything. You hold him, you sit down with him on your lap, you rock him gently back and forth while singing to him. You try EVERYTHING but nothing works and the crying becomes like a bullhorn in your ear. Reading these words don't have the impact of experiencing it. I mean screaming-crying for what seemed like an eternity. Just the crying alone can give you an incredible headache. Add to that the emotional aspect that you hate to see/hear your kid cry. Then add the fact that you're exhausted to begin with and you know that you have work the next day. It's this very strange emotional state where you feel helpless and frustrated and exhausted and anger starts to creep in there. I lack the vocabulary to adequately describe it so I'll just say it really, sincerely feels like you're either going to snap or have a friggen heart attack.

I know this may seem cruel or cold to some, but in those extreme moments when the end to crying is nowhere in sight and you feel that you can't take it any more...... gently put baby in his crib, leave his room, gently close the door, step outside of your house for literally just one or two minutes (literally 60 to 120 seconds) and take a few slow, deep, calming breaths. Seriously, it's like hitting a reset or refresh button. I promise you, when you step back inside, the crying wont' seem so bad and you'll remember that baby will fall asleep.... eventually.

From what I remember, our son actually tended to stop crying and fall asleep (I suspect) sooner because he was able to pick up on the fact that I was calmer. I've always wondered if he was able to feel that my pulse calmed down or if my body let off a different scent because I was calmer.

Anyway, great thread and I'm hoping that this one stays active for a while because I love this topic.

Congrats again and ENJOY it (which I'm sure you are).

Oh, one last thing you may want to do.

When I was setting up his nursery I purchased a very large teddy bear. Each month for the first year or so, on the month-birthday each month we would print out a sign (1 month, 2 months, 3 months, etc) and photograph him sitting in front of it. After the first year it was so nice to go back and see how he grew.

One more last thing. Take pictures and pictures and more pictures and take videos and videos and videos. Not just of "exciting" stuff but also record him doing mundane stuff. Our son is 5 but I already appreciate looking at videos from when he was 2 when he was playing with blocks and I just set the camera to record him for 5 or 10 minutes. It becomes priceless later on.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Sorry for crossing threads.... but by any chance, were you able to purchase that hat for your son?

For some reason I've wondered about that.

a reply to: eluryh22

They do not make that precise type anymore...

The hunt for a hat has begun in earnest though. I will not be deterred!