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I Just Found Out You're Free!

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posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 02:31 PM
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originally posted by: kibric
a reply to: muzzleflash

i was just wishing you the best


Thank you for the thought.

You should still read some of my work, it'll give you more perspective in relation to your statement about Lucy.
Beware though, it'll be a challenge.




posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 02:34 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash

Good thoughts for you and your loved one.

I hope you both find happiness wherever it is and if together, all the better.



Your positivity is radiant.



posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 02:48 PM
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In continuance of the OP:

I know that I really screwed up with you, but if I could go back and try again I'd probably still make the same mistakes. You drive me nuts sometimes and I know I drive you crazy too.

You are almost as messed up in the head as me, which can be really cool and productive if you focus it into artistic expressions and intellectual pursuits.

I am sorry that I created such a disaster in our lives, I'm sorry that I was immature and ignorant. I am very sorry about how forceful and wild I was, but you make me feel like a Love warrior that has to invade the citadel of your Heart relentlessly. Nothing in my life has ever been as fun as chasing you has been.

I am only sorry that I was forceful and willing to overwhelm you because it upset you. But I wanted, needed even, to get you to understand how I feel about you. Nothing you or anyone does will ever change that feeling - Love.

I've never faced so much punishment for Loving someone before, and I certainly don't understand why I needed so much punishment. It's been an unbelievable amount of torture and abuse, to be honest. And I know in my Heart I didn't deserve it, that I'm above it and better than that.

And I know that it wasn't entirely your fault. Some of it was your fault though, but it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't make me suddenly hate you. I could never hate you.

I just wish you understood how I feel. That's why I'm forceful and domineering.
If only you knew what was in my Heart you'd be texting my phone right now.
You have my #, use it!



posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 02:51 PM
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posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 02:54 PM
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originally posted by: TNMockingbird
a reply to: muzzleflash


Your positivity is radiant.


I have two choices, to keep going or to give up.
And I just don't know how to give up.

We were all born for a reason, and I know mine.



posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 03:26 PM
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I like to think about being in Venice or Vienna with you, or Paris, or a chateau in the Swiss Alps...
I don't know how to dance but you make me want to learn. I'd love to just sit around at some cafe sipping coffee chatting with you, or to go for walks in the park or down the beach, it doesn't really matter where. Just as long as you're there.

The moonlight just doesn't fulfill me, the birds sing but I just don't feel it, I could get into waterfalls or desert mountains - if you were there.

Don't you get it?
You make me laugh just thinking about you.

By now you should have at least a little idea, a small glimpse of how new this all is, this life here on Earth.
I just can't see it any other way. Why would I want to? This is my Happiness.
I Hope and Pray that it is yours too. I think and feel that it is.

I have a billion cool new things to tell you about.
I know you have even more to tell me.
Where do we begin?
I dunno, I Love you!

Let's just go for a walk...




posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 04:58 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash

Wow, that was absolutely beautiful, and incredibly deep!

I wish you Both the very best, how can she not melt upon seeing such writing from your heart.

Keep Writing Flash. May all your dreams come true!




posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 05:53 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash

A profound message. I'll never forget.



posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 11:29 PM
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originally posted by: LuXTeN
a reply to: muzzleflash

Wow, that was absolutely beautiful, and incredibly deep!



It's really cool that people like what I wrote and I do really appreciate positive reactions but... but... in context of my life and history it's bewildering and depressing.

[begin crazy rant at everyone indiscriminately]

I didn't aim or intend to write anything deep or profound, it was just a quick simple message to the Love of my life to let her know I know and to hang in there, that I'm proud she finally ended a horrible marriage.

Or when I wrote a few posts of the Warcraft story last week, I got this awesome response with people loving it. I just came up with it for fun and hardly put effort into it.

Or the week before that I just challenged people's views with the guidestone thread and got an unbelievable response that made no sense considering how minor a post I made (in context of my earlier works).

What I'm saying is that it doesn't make sense to me.

Several years ago I wrote a series of threads delving into the occult mysteries, forming a compendium of arcana that I consider my magnum opus, the highest level of achievement I've ever reached in my entire life. (The Unicorn, Neptune, ChiRho, Masonry, Sha, Grail, Unitarian series I call "The Latest Testament").

It was the first chapters in a book I have over 30 more chapters already devised that I want to post here eventually.

It's not just a bunch of gibberish, it was divinely inspired Art. I created new writing styles and methods, I made all sorts of unique discoveries from newly developed research methodology, I discovered new angles to create and express art in an intellectual way through a diverse language system I was tinkering with.

It was so deep it was in the dark abyss, it was so profound hardly anyone even knew wtf I was talking about. It was my apex, my pinnacle, my best attempt at thread writing ever.

The next 30 or 40 chapters solidify that into stone, but those first 8 are groundbreaking.

And no one really noticed or cared. I was so furious and frustrated with that crash and burn that I adopted a new persona, Ghost Writa, to express my newfound hell and torment, my commitment to finish that Testament though no one will like it, no one will care, and it'll bring me shame and ridicule.

I gave up my life for TLT, my wife hated me for it, I fell in Love with my highschool flame and wrote her at least 20 of the following chapters thinking she'd be so impressed like "wow Jason, you're certain to become famous with this uber madness it's maximum l33t", or whatever, but then she had my ass put in jail for it and it COMPLETLY destroyed everything me. I've been suicidal, homeless, ruined.

Over this dam book about God. And no one likes it but it's neo Shakespeare in terms of what I am doing with language and it's neo Confucius in terms of philosophy. At least that's what my deluded crazy ass thought!! While in jail for it I had second thoughts, when they passed new laws over it I wondered wow is my artwork really this bad? They need new laws to stop it? Really?

Why couldn't people critique it properly? Why did I throw my whole life away? Why, if I could go back, would I never ever change? Why am I so committed to failure? Why is it the only thing I want to do for years to come?

Am I truly insane? Have I gone mad?
Or is everyone so shallow and unwilling to immerse themselves in my experiment that they simply cannot get it nor appreciate my devotion to details?

Well thank you everyone. I threw away my life, my family, even my children, one even DIED, for nothing.

And I don't even want anyone to like it anymore, it's too late, the damage is done, me as a human being was permanently crushed, destroyed, obliterated.

I used to be such a good sweet person. I don't even know what I am now. I don't wanna know. I'm a disgusting washed up failure, a joke, a nutcase, a crybaby.

Look at me. I'm horrible!! I'm everything I tried to avoid becoming. I'm bitter and resentful, I'm a contradictory hypocrite. I'm losing the internal war against my dark half.

I don't even know what Love is. I'm just going through the motions here, I'm just talking.

It wasn't deep and it wasn't profound. It was just a message to someone.

This rant? This was deep and profound. It was an excellent Muzzleflash trademark rant. And I'm posting it no matter how much it makes yall shake your heads in disgust at me.

[end rant]



posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 11:33 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash


You might be better off just moving on...idk.



posted on Jan, 9 2017 @ 11:49 PM
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a reply to: Mousygretchen

Is that how we talk to a car wreck victim?

Oh your face got burnt off? Maybe you should move on, idk.

Isn't there a point where I earn a few rants? Like maybe the part where my 3rd kid died?

I hear a ghost whispering and it says I do Justice. The Spirit of Vengeance doesn't seek to impress the living, but instead to honor the dead.

One day you'll see the value in that, but it always takes time.



posted on Jan, 10 2017 @ 12:33 AM
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Look don't get me wrong, I already saw the future. A handful of the things I saw already happened so I know what's up now. Sorta, vaguely. Suffice to say at least 1% better than those who saw nothing.

Granted I don't know the context and my seeing it causes me to make huge mistakes that incidentally leads to making it happen in ways I never coulda suspected, and nothing about it is cool or fun, but hey, I ain't sweatin it.

What you see as bat# insane today might surprise you and turn out to be dope tomorrow. It's possible. With me, it's plausible. Whether it's probable, well hindsight is 20/20, we shall see.

Why would I turn around and flip my mood all of the sudden especially with people I like? Maybe I am insane... or maybe I calculated that I had to do it, that it was necessary? Maybe I had no choice, like the Universe was written that way before time even began?

Maybe I'm just a jerk? That's probably the most likely answer. But can't you understand? I came up with too many theories for my own damn good, delved into too much occult, and got screwed over a lil too bad. It's a very volatile mixture. There's no way back.

I was too positive and expressing too much good. That's unstable and imbalanced. I have to counter it with negative energies. I'm just following Spirit.

Look, if you just "love me" that's fake and bogus. It's flimsy and unrealistic.

But if I can take that moment where you were starting to really like me again and remind you that you hate me and think I'm nuts? Then question it and wonder wtf reality really even is anymore and realize how you're just as screwed up as me?

Then tomorrow or whenever I'm in a super positive mood again - if you decide you love me after all this? Than it's real. It's real love. Its strong and solid, it's worth risking making you hate me.

God I'm crazy as #. lol
On the bright side I am doing a lot better than I was this time last year. Way better.

I like explaining myself with almost no filters.

Oh and can you believe they couldnt diagnose me with anything? I can. This is in sanity and it's sanitary.



posted on Jan, 10 2017 @ 01:02 AM
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OP:

I know I'm an idiot but I'm also the wizard of id.

I was on the verge and you took me at a time I was extremely weakened from losing everything and you straight up broke me in half, shattering my existence.

The fact I can act normal when I want and that I choose normal 99% of the time is testament to how titanium tough I really am.

I have to be edgy and push the mental boundaries now and then just to keep everyone on their toes.

If anyone else said some of the stuff I say we'd know as a fact they were wacky. But with me? I challenge anyone intellectually and I can back it up by putting your mind into a deathlok

Get it? He's a reanimated cyborg corpse from the future? And I mixed it with the idea of putting someone into a headlock?

Sigh... whatever. Y'all aren't good nerds. Be more nerdy next time!

Now I'm sorta hoping you don't find this thread, I should've went to bed hours ago.



posted on Jan, 10 2017 @ 07:56 AM
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I just got so depressed last night, and it's lingering this morning.

I rarely get more than 4 hours of sleep a day, and I am trapped in a vicious cycle that sometimes I feel like there's no way out. There's certainly no real point to any of it, I just manage to survive to the next day. There's nearly no hope of ever seeing my kids again, and even if I did they won't respect me or want anything to do with me, not after all of this, after just disappearing.

Like this morning, I got up, had some coffee and thought things over while I had a cig. I thought how much I regret ever saying anything to anyone and now that I'm already committed to writing all of this stuff it's sorta the only tangible goal I have in my entire life, the only purpose to even be alive.

I wanted to teach others great things, to get involved in charity work for paraplegic and burn victim children, to be some sort of entrepreneur and all sorts of stuff. But all of it seems so far out of reach now, I just keep spiraling downward further. I take a step forward and then two steps back. Any progress I make seems nullified by all sorts of things, especially my failing mental state and my deteriorating physical condition.

I didn't want to admit it to anyone but I will because I don't really see why it matters anymore, but in my court battles I am doing nothing but losing. Every single attempt I make is railroaded. My judges just hate me personally, they are willing to break all of the rules and completely disregard the entire law simply just to spit in my face. No matter what legal arguments I make they are like "go screw yourself" essentially.

Sure you might think I don't know what I'm doing, that I'm missing something, but I guarantee you I'm not. I literally know the law extensively and am brilliant. I have all of these lawyer friends I show my work to and get their opinions and they think I'm born to argue law, they think I have a better memory and understanding of the law itself than nearly any of their colleagues. They have been very supportive and friendly. But they also keep reminding me that this is the ultimate reality, if a judge doesn't like you he'll create endless problems for you because he can get away with making totally arbitrary and capricious decisions. They will go totally against the law and just crap on you if they feel like it. There is no such thing as constitutional or statutory or case law - there is only the endless power of despotic judges and their moods and whims. It's maddening.

And then I have to worry about money, my feet have been hurting significantly all year; I broke my ankle last spring, my left foot was injured horribly all summer, and now my right heel is nearly broken. My shoulders and my back are getting worse day by day. But I'm the only one that cares and I have to do whatever I can to mitigate that.

Like I said earlier I don't have any real friends I can talk to about anything. I just get lost in my own thoughts regularly. I just sit quietly and keep all of these things to myself, I don't share it with anyone (except I guess a few posts on ATS). The only thing that keeps me halfway stable is to do research and learn new things, come up with new ideas and take notes, which I don't share with anyone.

I'm sure a lot of people would say "you need help" and I'm like "wtf are you really this ignorant?". Unless that person is willing to actively give me help themselves, they really should just learn to keep their uninformed opinions to themselves. That's like going up to a guy on the side of the road with a broken down car and saying "your car needs to be fixed". Why would you rub it in? Why would you insult them like that? "Hello guy in wheelchair with no legs, you need to get legs." Yeah I know I need legs, believe me, I know. I'm trying my best to get them but it's just not easy sometimes. The Universe is unpredictable to a large degree and you can get trapped in cycles that are damned hard to fight out of.

I like to tell people good things and inspire them, to give them hope and faith that things will get better and that they can do it, that they can make a better life. But can I do as I preach? Maybe, I've been trying, but it's very slow and I keep losing it and crashing and starting all over from scratch. I can hardly give myself hope most days.

I will confess, I spend a lot of time thinking about life and seeing it as pointless and telling myself there's no purpose. I especially dislike others telling me what they think I should do generally because their opinions are typically very naive and uninformed. I'm not exactly suicidal, I'm focused on survival, but life itself is killing me physically, mentally, emotionally, in just about every way. I see the world of all of these people going about their days, doing whatever they do, and I feel lost in the world, like I don't belong here and I'm not really part of any of this. I'm just here and it's meaningless.

I'm not saying I have it worse than anyone else, I don't know how anyone else has it. I usually think others are worse off than me, but it's not my place to decide where anyone except myself is. Each person has to decide for themselves, and that's their business. If they want to talk about it to me that's fine I'll listen and care, I like being compassionate and sympathetic. But what about me? I feel like I'm not getting anywhere here, and I don't have anyone to really listen or care - in fact I don't even know why I'd want anyone to anymore and I don't even see the point in it.

This woman, she's helped me ruin myself. I only wanted her to listen and care. I wanted her to just be there for me, to be on my side, to believe in me. That meant something and still does, but it's just not happening and may never happen. I have to just face that reality, and I just cannot seem to let go of it for very long. I can go a whole week without thinking about it much but I always seem to come back to that, lamenting it all...



posted on Jan, 10 2017 @ 08:25 AM
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I usually feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Like it's my responsibility, personally, to solve the world's problems. Like it's incumbent upon me to cheer everyone up and give them hope, when I myself am secretly struggling to muster even a basic filament of hope for myself. I feel like I'm the only one really capable of handling these problems and working them out, so it's like my personal duty to solve everyone else's problems. I don't ask anything for it because just solving these issues is the reward in itself.

I wonder why you treated me this way, like how can you just sit there and go back against everything you ever believed in or stood for and crap on me like this? I'm an open minded person, I realize there must be some sort of reasoning behind it, I just can't conceive of it in any viable manner. I'm all ears if you'd just tell me what the hell is going on.

I just don't understand why you won't just call or text or email me and talk about it. You must have your reasons, and if I could just see one of them I bet I'd begin to understand a little bit. But as it is now, it seems like madness, it seems unreasonable and illogical. It seems like you're willing to sacrifice everything just to hurt me and spit in my face because you just simply hate me. I honestly believe you love me but damn, I haven't one shred of evidence to support that intuition other than that my intuition is generally extremely accurate on a consistent basis everywhere else in life.

I don't know why I Love you so much ok? I don't need a reason. I just do. It's in my Heart and it's Alive. It's who I am, it's what makes me tick, it's an intricate part of the fabric of my existence. It always was since I met you, and it is today and it probably will be till the day I die. That's just the way it is. That's God's choice, God directs these things, I know I certainly cannot. If there is Love in my Heart, that's God's choice and I have to just deal with it and accept it.

I don't even know what Love is, I don't understand it very well, I only experience it and am it. Needing reasons to Love seems so ridiculous and nonsensical, like you even wanting to know a reason makes you seem silly and crazy. Like do you even know what Love is? I highly doubt it.

Do you need a reason to Love your children? Do they have to meet certain criteria to earn it? Will you hate them if they fail your expectations? I definitely do not put any requirements upon my kids, I'll always Love them no matter what. I don't even speak to them, I don't even know my kids anymore, but I'll ALWAYS Love them because that's who I am, it's the foundation of my being, it's a defining feature of "Me". And in the same sense, my Love for you is exactly like that. It just IS, it WAS, and WILL BE. It's Love - it's divine and transcends all physical reality. It is THE MYSTERY of Life itself. Only God knows and understands Love, why how when where who etc.

And I just Love you. You are the essence of my reason for being me. I don't have reasons for Loving you - my Love for you gives me reasons for everything I do, think, say, am. Love is the foundation, it's the origin, the beginning. Everything else comes out of that. Don't you get it? We'll never understand it. Can't we just leave it at that? Can't you just be thankful and Happy that God created me this way? Can't you just get over all your BS for a minute and respect this? What's wrong with you? Why can't you tell me about it? Why can't you be my friend?

You aren't bad for me. Everything is bad for me ok? You're the only thing that was Good for me.
Please just understand that.
edit on 1/10/2017 by muzzleflash because: (no reason given)

edit on 1/10/2017 by muzzleflash because: (no reason given)



posted on Jan, 10 2017 @ 08:45 AM
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a reply to: muzzleflash

Hi, I read your whole thread and you're a gifted person.



posted on Jan, 10 2017 @ 09:45 AM
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originally posted by: Jdennis10
a reply to: muzzleflash

Hi, I read your whole thread and you're a gifted person.



Thank you.

That's one of the only reasons I have left in life, is knowing that I am gifted and that I have to do something with it to help others. It's a double edged sword though, because when I don't make progress by sharing my gifts I feel useless and like I squander everything. Feeling like I wasted my gifts is one of the greatest torments.

I have these visions of a better future where people can share their gifts more easily, where society focuses on noticing people's potential to further the human race and facilitates it. At the most basic level, it's the atmosphere that is conducive towards giving opportunity to people to express their gifts and to give them. It's systemic, and this is one thing that Earth needs to change and what I intend on continuing to push for - that greater tomorrow for everyone.

I know that I have been blessed with many gifts, and I also know that I have distinct limitations that I notice others don't really face or struggle with. Everyone's unique and different, we all have strengths and weaknesses. I know that mine are generally very unique so I cannot imagine what the composition of others are, like you. This is something I think everyone should really explore within themselves and discover. I feel that a lot of people aren't even aware of their real talents or potential, and that the cycles of life in the rat race tied them up and gagged them to the point that they may not ever discover hardly any of their innate blessings.

I usually believe that one of my gifts is to inspire others to discover their gifts, and I am very proud of that. It's one of the greatest things I've been given by the creator to share, and I gotta say I Love sharing it. It really gets me going.

There are some things that I am not only not gifted with, but that I am deprived of no matter how much I struggle to obtain it. One of those things is the subject of this thread, the woman's affection of whom I Love with all of my Heart. I usually feel like I couldn't win her affection even if I conquered the world and saved humanity from an alien invasion singlehandedly. I still feel like she'd reject me for unknown secret reasons.

It's infuriating because it's one of those things that you 'want' more than anything and that 'if' you ever actually got it you'd probably regret even wanting it because it'd turn out in ways you never suspected or imagined. Or maybe not, maybe it would be everything I cut it out to be. I just dunno and maybe I'll never know.


Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and strong romantic affection, or may consciously reject it.

Others, however, like the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, considered that "indispensable...to the lover is his unrequited love, which he would at no price relinquish for a state of indifference."[3] It can also be contrasted with redamancy or the act of reciprocal love.[4]

The inability of the unrequited lover to express and fulfill emotional needs may lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria.


According to the wiki though it's a double edged sword. And I know first hand this is true, because I have really screwed up the woman I Love. I really screwed her up bad, incredibly bad. It's probably ruined her as much as it has me, she's getting divorced to her husband of over a decade and that has 3 children with after all...


'There are two bad sides to unrequited love, but only one is made familiar by our culture'[8] - that of the lover, not the rejector. In fact, research suggests that the object of unrequited affection experiences a variety of negative emotions on a par with those of the suitor, including anxiety, frustration and guilt.[9]


A little more...


Unrequited love has long been depicted as noble, an unselfish and stoic willingness to accept suffering. Literary and artistic depictions of unrequited love may depend on assumptions of social distance that have less relevance in western, democratic societies with relatively high social mobility, or less rigid codes of sexual fidelity. Nonetheless, the literary record suggests a degree of euphoria in the feelings associated with unrequited love, which has the advantage as well of carrying none of the responsibilities of mutual relationships: certainly, "rejection, apparent or real, may be the catalyst for inspired literary creation... 'the poetry of frustration'."


Under the solutions section:

Dorothy Tennov (1979) has suggested that the only cure for being in love is to get indisputable evidence that the target of one's love is not interested.[17]


And I agree with that. If only I could get indisputable evidence she doesn't Love me too, I'd be able to escape it. I begged and begged her to just say it "I don't Love you Jason", but she refused time and time again. She adamantly refuses to tell me such a thing. And you know what it does? It convinces me she MUST Love me too. It just apparently is this really challenging and difficult situation like Romeo and Juliet, like everything is in the way of this and so she doesn't know what to do.

I'll tell her what to do, the solution to this... just tell me you Love me and then grab me and kiss me! It's that simple. That's the solution to our problem. The only solution.

Why would anyone sacrifice everything like this, their virtues and their family, just to refuse to say "I don't Love you"? Easy answer as I see it. Because she Loves me like crazy, that she feels exactly how I do about this, that it's overwhelming and runs incredibly deep. That it's just in our Nature, like we're made for each other and the whole Universe is conspiring to prevent us from uniting and sharing in it.


According to Robert B. Pippin, Proust claimed that 'the only successful (sustainable) love is unrequited love'.[19]


I just can't seem to agree with Proust, I don't think he has enough experience to know that for sure. I'm convinced that mine will long outlast any reciprocation and will prove to be undying no matter what.

Love is the greatest gift I ever received from God, and perhaps also the greatest curse all wrapped into one.



posted on Jan, 10 2017 @ 09:59 AM
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Since I mentioned all of that it's only fair to give the full spectrum reveal of what goes on inside of my mind.

Just because I Love this woman doesn't mean that I just focus on her. In fact it's the opposite. Now if she reciprocated and spent time with me and gave me the friendship I sought, it wouldn't be this way but since I'm left all alone drowning in solitude, I experience a strange result:

I am wildly attracted to other women, a lot of them, maybe 30% of the population between 22 and 45. I often imagine what it'd be like to be with a lot of different women, and fantasize about how wonderful it might be. I am very interested in multiple females I'll see every day.

Now, I never really act on it because I'm really shy and the few times I have tried to talk to a woman I really liked it ended in me just realizing I wasted my time and that I am pretty sure they aren't interested. I don't deal with rejection very well and it can be pretty devastating, so it's easier for me to just not put myself in a rejectable position.

So I don't talk to women very often and just assume that if God wants to bring one to me that she will come to me and show interest. It literally never happens though. Things just don't seem to work that way, at least not for me.

I'm just perpetually alone and it's terrible, but I deal with it and try not to become so bitter that I'd hate everyone and everything as a result - which is an ever present possibility that I must continually contend and battle with. I don't want to become rotten, but over time I am corroding inside slowly but surely.

On the bright side I do realize that most of these absolutely gorgeous women are typically annoying immature idiots (because society lets them get away with it without any repercussions generally). So there is a bright side to it, I don't have to ever get stuck dealing with an unbearable self-centered sociopath or a miserable wretch. I'm such a nice person that I'd have a hard time 'leaving them' and so if they didn't break it off I would get 'stuck' and I'd lose my freedom.

The only woman I'm honestly willing to commit to no matter what, and accept any of her faults or eccentricities or failings unconditionally, is the woman I addressed in this thread. She's just that awesome to me and she could be an insane nazi liberal childish buffoon and I'd drool over every word she said no matter how absurd it was. She could treat everyone disrespectful and act belligerent in public yelling and cussing all the time, and I'd take her everywhere and just admire her endlessly no matter how much I'd hate everything about her, LOL! She's the only person I could handle it with, and in fact, I'd be honored to handle it.



posted on Jan, 10 2017 @ 10:16 AM
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originally posted by: TNMockingbird
a reply to: muzzleflash


Your positivity is radiant.


When I am positive, yes, it's incredibly powerful and almost blinding.
I think that it can warm even the coldest Heart and melt the ice away, that it can bring bliss and ecstasy by merely being exposed by it's divine rays.

When I am positive.

But I'm rarely positive. I just tend to show that positive far more often than I show the more common ocean of negativity that I am lost within. So you'll see those positive moments much more often than the more common negative ones.

My negativity resides at the other end of the spectrum and is just as extreme.
I don't want to share those depths of depravity. They are so horrible. No one deserves to hear those thought patterns or have to deal with anything that negative. When I express it I water it down a LOT and filter tons of it out simply because society has standards and I understand that it's best I don't share it.

It's frightening and terrifying that something so dark and evil can exist within someone so bright and good. They are my inner demons that I war with every day, and I usually slay them, but they return out of nowhere at random and make surprise counter-attacks way more than I will ever admit.

When I win against them I am a fiery star of sunshine that explodes Love all over, when I lose I go and hide in the dark because I'm so ashamed of losing my Light that I must hide for the sake of everyone around me. No one deserves to see it. I've been slipping a little bit over the last few years, little bits and pieces of it have been escaping my internal prison where I keep the demons incarcerated.



posted on Jan, 10 2017 @ 11:16 AM
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Hmmm, a good oldie came on the radio and I think it's fitting to share it here...




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