I Just Found Out You're Free!

That came completely outta nowhere.

Boredom I guess...
I did the: ((to show you the anatomy of my eccentric and reckless mania)) just in case you wanna cut me open and take a look around...

Well.....?
Make an incision, poke around...





What do you see inside of me??



Dreams and Fantasy?
Ideas of God and Reality?

I'm just following in the footsteps of our heroes.
Just as I was taught to, like we all want to...







What the hell am I doing??
Why??








It's just Electricity inside of me...



Insight and Enlightenment Alchemy...
Ecstasy in Rhapsody, Alacrity so Agilely...

She's just waitin for me to rise...



And every night it's candles prayers and tears...



But there's a storm brewin...



And I'm Alive!!!





So this is a concept...



To her, I'm just...



And together we Light that...



And guess what girl?

I'll just call this:


I Am of Heaven and Earth,
Wind and Rain,
Thunder and Lightning,
Fire and Smoke,
the Galaxies Within and Without,
I Am that...

Some right out of the shower pics...
(Yes I wear cloths in the shower)

Maybe two weeks ago...



About 36 hours ago...

There's so much I wanted to post in here over the last week but I just haven't got around to it...
Sigh, I'm sorry.

I feel so exhausted and sleepy.
I slept like 8 hours or so last night, I've been eating pretty good (fruits veggies meats etc).

Well, one thing I did miss today is my coffee. That is a big deal.
I'll go get some shortly.

I'm trying to stay focused on my Fed lawsuit against Meredith and Raycom Media, that's the most important thing right now in my whole life. I have to win there more than anywhere else. I've actually not even bothered with anything else.

When I get a chance, maybe later tonight, I'll write out some of my dreams lately and some of my thoughts and feelings about what's going on inside of me.

I gotta get ready to travel across town in a minute, I know that I screw up and don't follow up on my threads here like I'm suppose to (and like I said I would) and I'm really sorry. My life's a complete mess right now, I'm a mess.

I didn't even post the thread that I said I would a few pages back, I ended up posting something totally different and I still have that thread (and another one I concocted just a few days ago) sitting in a folder still requiring a bit of organization and some finishing touches.

Do you have any idea how many threads I want to write, that I have the ideas already worked out and only need to commit to just "writing it" and doing the implementation portion of? Dozens. Maybe a hundred possible threads altogether. I have so much I want to share with everyone and so many things I need to write down in public and guess what? I never get around to it, I'm all screwed up.

I'm so exhausted and I simply don't know why. I'm stressed and often depressed. I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere and I'm slipping further down the hill that I keep telling myself I need to climb. I beat myself up and keep saying 'you won't live forever, hurry up!' and I only feel even more exhausted and tired, more disappointed, more like a failure.

And tonight? I just want to sleep all night.
I want to dream of you again.
Just to see you is fine.

I just had some excellent Chinese food, I'm stuffed.

I read what you said and I've got some replies to all that but it's extensive. Im on my phone right now and don't want to type a lot, I'll get around to it.

I have a trillion things to tell you so I'm a bit overwhelmed. I'd honestly like to just listen to you talk about whatever is on your mind.

I'm so tired. I think I'll just get a shower and go to sleep. I dunno, we'll see. Maybe I'll write more in awhile.

Love ya.

I saw what you posted today and I think that's a good discussion, maybe I'll make a thread about it here and share some of your info-graphics. *(Relationship abuse, trauma, respect).

I agree that the rates of abuse and disrespect are very high, not only among people in a sexual relationship but also just in general among people out in the world on a day to day basis. I see extremely abusive people everyday who just have to insult and deride each other, who think they need to fight over the smallest things, have a problem with everything, etc.

But you gotta remember I'm in a really bad position currently in terms of society and how everything opperates. I'm around most people who are on the bottom of the "food chain" and God I can't wait to get away from all of this crap it's not cool at all.

Believe me, I know a lot about abusive people and I believe I even understand why they are abusive and how to talk to them about it so that they will be able to work on stopping that behavior. But one major issue here is that they first have to decide to stop and want to stop, and they have to admit they are wrong or at least handle things very poorly. As long as they keep blaming everyone else and believe others deserve to be physically hurt for their mistakes (or percieved mistakes) it will be very difficult for them to cease the abusive behavior.

This goes for you to hon, you simply are not 100% innocent. Sadly no one is perfectly innocent when it comes to this. We all make mistakes, we are all humans. We start off immature and selfish and have to mature and learn how to be selfless. We have to grow and learn how to handle our issues.

I am not blaming you ok? I am just saying we need to be honest with ourselves. After what happened between us I believe you can be just as abusive as anyone else can, because I feel you hurt me wrongly in some powerful ways. I suffer significant trauma from what you did to me, and I believe you could have handled that in a much better and more mature way. You even lied.

I'm not saying I'm innocent, I know that I am pretty fallible and that I've made a ton of mistakes between us. And I can understand and admit that my behavior was oppressive and that I smothered the hell outta you by being nearly unceasing in my pursuit. But you handled me wrongly too. We both made some huge mistakes.

Let's be honest and admit to ourselves how we did this wrong.
Let's forgive each other and enjoy the positive things we have to offer each other.
I am willing to let go of all of these mistakes, and I'm sorry that I made so many.
Please be sorry too, please make up with me, please let's grow together through this.

I Love you so much, I could never stay upset with you.
You make me smile and laugh far too often to be mad for very long anyways.

I am not and will not hold your mistakes against you.
Please don't hold to mine.

We can start fresh and learn about ourselves and each other through this.
I want to Respect you, and I hope you can Respect me too.

We both have a long way to go in terms of learning how to Respect each other, ourselves, and others. Life is a long challenging learning process. Anytime you think you got it figured out, something new and crazy happens to challenge that assumption. It will always be a learning process, unique events happen all of the time that will cause us to deal with powerful emotions and to face our misconceptions and to temper our wild desires.

I Love you.
Keep posting.
Thank you honey.

I'll be back in a bit...

So what did I do today so far?

I got up at 5:30, had breakfast and my coffee n cig, then went to a cafe n typed the message above after checking your new posts.

Then I went to have brunch with some older guys and we talked some politics but I shifted the discussion to "where do you believe consciousness is located and what exactly is consciousness" for fun.

This got them really going, I discussed how plants demonstrably exhibit consciousness (proven scientifically via experiments) and produce neurochemicals associated with dreaming, feelings and emotions, etc, despite having no brain or detectable neurological systems.

Then I guided that discussion into physics and metaphysics, where we went over Aristotle and Plato, Stuart Mill, Hawking, Einstein, etc.

I got them to question big bang theory, singularity principles, spatial dimensions, gravity, superstrings, quantum entanglement and superlocation, etc.

What is the nature of 'evidence, proof, facts vs opinions, what's an argument' stuff like this. What criteria and what contexts apply, what are the definitions of these words we are using anyways?

Then we got into nominalism vs realism in terms of abstractions vs manifest physical examples of those abstractions; whereby I made the primary realist argument that the most fundamental reality is that an idea, conceptualization, or type is the highest reality whereby physical things manifest from - like a computer has programming, scripts, and a physics engine that leads to creating specific things from (like a level of a game is a specific manifestation derived from the game engine).

Then somehow we went into gemstones like Alexandrite chrysoberyl, peridots, and the distinctions between these types of crystals and their origins whether they are natural, synthetic, or simulated. Also the science behind why the Alexandrites change colors under natural or incandescent light sources, etc.

This then shifted to Richard Dawkins and why he's an arrogant, pretentious, narrow minded, self centered, patronizing, dishonest individual.

We agreed that there's no way to know with certainty how old Earth or the Universe is, and most seemed to like my claim it's less than one second old.

I then suggested that evolution is only a working theory but it has many problems, and that I'm still not convinced though I'm pretty well versed in it and that I believe new forms of these theories will develop in the near future that better explain what's going on here, etc.

This is a short synopsis of this very eloquent and pleasing conversation I had this morning with these 4 gentlemen over coffee and pastries. It was much deeper than this summery. I simply cannot convey it in as elaborate detail here as I'd like due to time constraints.

See what you're missing out on? I can and do talk about anything and am fun. Like did you know columbine is used to describe a color but it refers to a pink hue present in the flowers of that name?

Last night a Chinese immigrant friend and I even had an hour long conversation about Chinese culture and writing, and pronunciation of various words, their meanings, and why they mean those things.

Particularly we discussed "Shi Shi Shi Shi Shi", aka " The Lion Eating Poet in the Stone Den", that famous and funny book. I was fascinated with how contextual clues allow for certain translations of various characters.

For example the character for "Eat, Eating" was also the same character for "Food" and strangely enough, "Eclipse".

I asked why Eclipse? Is it because like the moon eats the sunlight, therefore eclipse = eating?

He said yes, there's a legend about a dog eating the sun during eclipses, so "eating".

See this is interesting to me because in English we have totally different words to describe eating vs eclipses, and he actually agreed that English is far more complicated than Chinese.

We talked about all sorts of misleading phrases in English, how it's heavy with sarcasm and uses bizarre terminologies yet you're expected to know the implications, and even did some riddles.

I could go on n on lol.
Dammit you're missing out on me and I'm missing out on you! So frustrating!

Oh wow, you posted something I actually asked you to (sorta asked in an indirect way).

Ok about "Respect", I want to focus with you on this.
I sincerely want to show you the highest levels of respect possible ALL of the time.
I also would be extremely elated if you strove to aim for the same goal.

In my last relationship Respect was lacking significantly and that hurts incredibly.
I hurt because I wasn't being respected the way I needed to be, and I hurt because I was too immature to express that type of respect I desired to be expressed towards me. Every time I got mad I felt terrible because in my Heart I knew I was wrong.

Ok let's start from the top:

Accountability:
I want to, and will always strive to admit when I am wrong.
This is because I want to be Right and realize that I am flawed in many ways and must face the fact I am not always Right. In fact I may never be Right 100%, but I will Strive towards that as honestly and sincerely as possible. I will, everyday, every moment, seek to remember this so that I can fulfill my other obligations.

I want to be held accountable for my actions and seek responsibility because I hope to be Respected.
I will be genuine and authentic in my duty to uphold this lofty goal. I realize that I am not fully mature and may never really be, but I will strive to be mature in facing the repercussions of my actions and words. For example if I say something hurtful I want to deal with that, I want to do more than just simply say I'm sorry and move on, I want to find out why I said what I said, why it hurt you, and I want to resolve that productively so that it won't happen again. I want to constantly improve in this regard.

I want to express healthy values and a positive attitude about our lives, children, relationship, our careers, and our desires for where we want our lives to lead. I want to always lift you up, and never tear you down. I want to embrace your gifts and talents, and offer you support when you seek to accomplish your goals and achieve your aspirations. I will not negatively or destructively criticize you, and will try my best to ensure that I offer you positive critiques in a very friendly and helpful loving manner so that you are not offended or hurt by my perspectives (so that I may aid you rather than denigrate and depress you).

Safety:
I want to ensure that you are always safe, especially from me and my failings.
I absolutely refuse to intimidate you or manipulate you with insults, guilt trips, trickery, or anything of this sort. I want to facilitate an atmosphere where you can flourish and bloom into the magnificent individual that you seek to become. I want to promote your welfare, Happiness, and prosperity. I've already suffered enough with the hard lessons I had to learn in my past, and all I want is something healthy where we can grow together and accentuate each other's strengths while mitigating our weaknesses. I seek Teamwork on an equal basis and footing, a true Partnership.

I will respect your Physical Space. If you want to be alone and go write, meditate, listen to music, rest, or whatever, I want you to feel welcome to do so without facing any guilt or negative energy as a result of that. If you need to go to work and are busy, I want to give you the best opportunity to focus on your work without unnecessary interruptions.

If you want to spent time with friends and I am unwelcome for some reason or another, I want you to feel free to enjoy their company without feeling guilty that I am left out. I want to have a life too where I can focus on my goals. I will say though that you are always welcome to spend time with me and be in my physical space becuase I have less requirements in this regard, though over time that might change and I may need more space when you are not so inclined to demand such space.

I hope that we can have something dynamic here where we can adjust and adapt to the changing situations and through conscientious understanding and awareness of each other's issues, we can always make room for each other to grow towards achieving our fullest potential as magnificent human beings.

I seek to always express myself non-violently. I could never live with myself if I ever slapped you, or anyone, ever again. I simply do not have the anger or false justifications within me to even consider doing such a thing. I want to sit back and analyze a situation and follow my Heart and Spirit towards doing the Right thing via Respect, Love, Gracefulness, and Compassion. I will ALWAYS give you another chance, and I hope, dearly and sincerely, that you will give me another chance to do Right and improve. If I'm wrong I want to know it, and I want to change.

I Love you and want to have a Happy Joyful life with you by my side.
I cannot bear abuse, my Heart just cannot accept it. I am too Sensitive, and I seek to be very Vulnerable towards you to increase our Intimacy and allow for ever deepening Bonding. I fully understand that abuse and disrespect only leads to severing our ability to Bond and Enjoy Spiritual Union, it makes Bliss impossible to achieve. But Respect and Care will allow us to merge Spiritually and reach ever higher states of vibration together in every way, mentally physically emotionally.

Abuse, whether it is verbal, emotional, implied, or physical - is simply not allowed, should not be tolerated, and is unacceptable. We must agree on this fundamental rule if we ever hope to develop a lasting, wonderful Happiness together.

Honesty:

This one can be so challenging sometimes, and as a human being that is attempting to be honest with myself - I know I have been very dishonest at times and still everyday I commit an act of dishonesty.

Usually I am dishonest about what happened between you and I, and the resulting fallout that I'm dealing with right now. I simply don't want anyone to know the details because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my failures and my struggle to correct these mistakes I've made. Because I am too shy to tell them the blatant truth, and I simply don't want to tell them a vast story of a thousand points to defend myself from unfair prejudice, I lie and cover up my Truth.

I regret this and hope that I can change towards a more Honest outlook and to be much more Truthful with others. I hope I can develop the courage to just admit it or tell them it's not their business if I'd rather keep it to myself and not get into it.

I especially want to be Honest with you - ALL the time.
I am no fool, at least not as much as I used to be, and I admit I am going to probably lie to you at some point in time.

We have a lot to discuss here, because you lie just as I do. And this will take a lot of working out, and we will always have to build Trust and avoid shattering it.

I don't know what I'll lie about in the future. But I want to be able to catch myself when I'm inclined or tempted to do so, and to express myself Honestly instead. To me this is a significant Spiritual challenge and the better we can do at being Honest with each other (and others), the higher and faster we will transcend to higher states of consciousness and the closer we can get to God's Ultimate Hope for us. That is also my Hope.

I have Faith that we can and will do Better.
I Forgive myself and you for our past transgressions.

I have a lot of lies to admit to, and want to confess to you my mistakes daily as soon as possible. I don't believe it's Fair to hide anything from you. You deserve to know the Truth always. This is the Path to Happiness.

Support:

I want more than anything to Support you in fulfilling your Dreams. I want you to be Victorious in Life at becoming who you want to be. I want to give you anything I can offer in aid of your goals.

I Hope you will be just as empathetic and sympathetic as I will strive to be towards the children. They need our Support in everyway we can offer it. They deserve to become the people they, in their Hearts and Souls, seek to become. These are beautiful children with Hearts of Light and Minds just as Bright - and they Need positive reinforcement and teaching at every step until they are capable of doing it all on their own. And when I say 'on their own', I know they'll always need God, just like you and I always will.

Nothings possible without God, not even getting up to go to the bathroom. Disaster can strike at anytime. That's my source of Faith, because I just believe and Trust God has me covered, and that I'll be ok. I seek God for help all the time, because I cannot control the world, I cannot control any humans, and I can hardly control myself. God is in control and I allow God to guide me appropriately - like in posting this for you right now.

So when you fail, or when I fail, I seek to express understanding (and to actually understand). But like I said before, I understand that sometimes I don't understand, and I want to learn more so that I can understand better. That's why communication is so important, and being willing to step back outside of the box and evaluate things with patience, prudence, wisdom, cautiousness, sagacity, and foresight.

I want to be your cheerleader and encourage you every day. I want to show you that I AM your # 1 fan and that I believe in you and what you can achieve wholeheartedly! I'm excited about you and what you want to do!! I am so Happy and Proud to offer you the chance to cultivate your Spirit, to foster an environment conducive to your self-realization, to nurture you and to promote and Champion your causes. I believe I am Alive to discover You, Myself, the Children, and the people we can and will help discover this too.

I value your opinions, suggestions, and beliefs and will listen to them non-judgmentally. If I disagree with something, I will be honest and reveal that - but I will remember to always be encouraging and supportive in those responses. I refuse to denigrate you when I disagree, and I promise I'll do my best to be positive and Loving and understanding when I share my opinions, suggestions, and beliefs.

I will be open to my own faults and I will expect that I'll misunderstand things and that my opinions often times may not be fully informed or developed. I want to anticipate this so that I'll be ready to step back, be patient, and handle these situations as best as I possibly can so that I can shine for us. I hope you seek this too. We can be so amazing together if we just try. You are so brilliant and intelligent. Let us never stop refining ourselves into ever higher states of being.

Instead of making the mistakes of the past where we told ourselves that we'll just avoid screwing up, let's be honest here and accept that we are only human and that we do screw up no matter how hard we try not to. It happens. So let's be perpared and ready to handle it constructively and positively with Love, Understanding, Forgiveness, and Support.

I am 100% with this here.
I am with you on it.
We both deserve it.

Cooperation:

I am so tired of expecting things and then getting upset when I don't get them. I will be reasonable and ask you for what I want, and if I cannot have it, I will strive to be mature and accept that without becoming resentful or angry.

I realize that things change, and I will try my best to let go and accept change as it comes. I want to be flexible and adaptable to the ever-changing reality. I know that you and I will change a lot, especially if we can Respect each other Maturely. I will change too, so let us always see the Beauty in that and Admire each other for our Dynamism as ever Growing Spiritual Beings.

I do not want to make decisions without you, I want to consult you and work out what the best course of action might be as a team so that we can both find Happiness in that. I realize that sometimes we get Stubborn and so I will be mindful of that possibility, and I will be assertive but not aggressive when dealing with it. I want to always show Patience when attempting to handle a difficult choice especially when we disagree over how to proceed.

I am willing to compromise and let go of certain things I might desire or prefer so that you and I can find something that will make us both Happy together. I want more than anything to be Happy with you and you with me. Everything else is just mere details, so I am going to be extremely flexible with all of these things. Don't worry please, I am and will continue to be increasingly open minded and diplomatic. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm working on being Better.

When we face conflicts I want to show you how soft and malleable I am, and how well I can adapt to your needs. I will always seek the win-win situation so that we can both have what we need and even what we want. I am clever and a quick thinker, and I know you are too - together we can come up with all sorts of ideas to solve our problems. The sky is the limit when it comes to our potential to discover novel solutions to even the most challenging conflicts.

Trust:

I am going to Trust you.

One of my biggest failures was that I did not Trust in the past. This was my failure, not anyone else's. We all make mistakes, so it was my fault for not being Trusting.

Trusting in someone doesn't mean they won't fail you, but it sure makes life easier when it comes to interacting with them and facilitating and positive healthy relationship where Happiness becomes a real possibility. Of course we are going to screw up, that's why Forgiveness and Understanding a continued commitment to improving our Honesty are so crucial to continuing a Healthy Trusting relationship.

We can always work it out, and I'll keep Faith in that belief. I want you to know and understand that I Love you in the craziest ways that even I don't understand but that I simply cannot find a single reason to choose not to Love you so. You're what makes me tick, my Heart just beats your name, my mind finds peace and solace in the thought of your smile. I don't fully understand that and I don't need to - because I am it. I was made to Love you, it's that simple.

I could sit here and explain it all night, every night, for years, and we still probably won't fully get it. Love is the greatest mystery of God and it's the greatest thing there is. Period.

I do wanna talk about it a lot and explore and express it's depths of course!

So you know what? I'm going to Trust you no matter what.
If you are going to come to me and unite, I will give you more than a benefit of a doubt - I'll have Faith in you.

I will not be suspicious of if you are going to cheat on me, because I know with a Love like this it's probably not going to happen. And even if it did, I Love and Forgive. I know that saying this won't make you think you can, because I know in my Heart you want what I do, Honesty, Support, Cooperation and Teamwork, Safety and Accountability, Trust, Spiritual Fulfillment, Happiness in Love, Respect.

I've never felt better about anything in my Life!
This is gonna be unbelievable.
I don't even know what to think!
Wow...

Please post anything you think would be a good continuation of this.

Express how you feel about it, or maybe post something about your goals and aspirations.
Post something about places you'd like to visit together or things you'd enjoy doing.
I dunno, post a flower and a word of wisdom.

Share more relationship development discussion material.
Anything. A smiley face or a sun, a Heart, it's up to you.

I'll be patient.
I Love you and am very extraordinarily Happy with you.

Please don't "test" me anymore - just Trust in me and I'll Trust in you.
No more tests ok? Just Love now. Sharing. Peacefulness and Tranquility.
We deserve it.

I'll add a lil more in terms of Respect in a healthy romantic relationship:

Piety:

Nothing could please me more than to be Devout and express my Devotion to you through my Faithfulness and my constant striving to fulfill my Duty.

This is about a relationship between God, You, and I. And I mean that in the fullest sense of the mystery that it truly is. We are the Temple of the Spirit, and we should acknowledge and treat each other as Holy.

It's the Only Religion that makes any sense, and it's the key to a virtually Divine Respect developing between us.
I need you to Respect my need for it to be this Intimate and Complete. I Hope and Pray that you will not only understand this, but will desire it very much. I have Faith you do.

You leave me in Wonder and Awe every time I think of you.
Even if I'm upset, you are my Goddess.

My affection and devotion to you is constant, my devotion remains because I adhere to my reverence to your sanctity. This Love is Sacred and I discover God through it more than anything else. I know that might be difficult to understand, and it is even for me.

But I am learning Faith in God because of how I feel about you and what is happening between us. Nothing else could test my Faith more powerfully than this (at least not that I'm aware of currently). I am learning about Love, Patience, everything. All because of what God created in my Heart over you. It's nuts, I know that. But God's got a purpose right? I admit I don't understand either. But let's try to. It's never easy I know, it can hurt - a lot!

I want to be Righteous and Good so that God might finally decree that I deserve to share life with you. That's screwed up isn't it? And I'm not doing so well, I keep making mistakes, every day at least a few. I want to improve and I'll keep working on it. I want to be the Man you seek in this life, that you deserve. I pray that God will Bless us.

Yes, it is very much about Salvation. I know it in my Heart.
It's about Eternity.

It is of the utmost and ultimate importance to me to do this Right and to Love you the way you deserve. That is paramount to me, I feel like I fail God if I fail you. I will not fail God and I will not fail you. I was born for this, I live for it. I will get it Right, finally. I know I'll never be perfect but I'll strive that direction and improve everyday.

I could just go on and on about this, and it'll sound more and more ridiculous ( I guess?) but you know what? I know my Heart and God surely knows it. I know how I feel and what I believe. You don't have to believe and Trust me, but I Hope you do. I Love you so much, and I am sorry I'm imperfect. I am sorry I was born me and I am this way. Please accept me for who I am. I accept you unconditionally no matter what way you are.

You are the Goddess manifest into my reality and I am on my knee, full and free.
I will not expect you to Love me back, but I will ask you to give me that chance. I ask that you choose to search your Heart and see what you find within it for me.

Thank you for considering it. Bless you sweetheart...
I'll ttyl, hope to see a response from you soon.

originally posted by: muzzleflash

I've never faced so much punishment for Loving someone before, and I certainly don't understand why I needed so much punishment. It's been an unbelievable amount of torture and abuse, to be honest. And I know in my Heart I didn't deserve it, that I'm above it and better than that.

Sounds like I wrote that. Seems that the harder we love someone, the strength of it is so hard to let go of when something changes drastically, and we're left in agony, with a painful distance increasing between our hearts, that feels unending.

But we say that their happiness is all that matters, while alone we let tears fall because we know their happiness now comes from sharing their life with someone else.

All that remains of what seemed as if it was meant to be, is the opportunity for her to confide in me about things that she cannot talk to others about. And I would do so for the rest of my life, as long as my heart beats, because sadly, I know we were meant to be. Life just has a way of taking something so beautiful and precious and destroying it, or.. rebuilding it.

Seems my path was meant to be a way for others to find their path. Because I listen to people when they have no one else to talk to. Guide them away from problems, yet ultimately, I am the one left behind watching them move on in life. I never asked to live this way, so I rail against it more often than not.... maybe one day, I will find solace in the fact that others who came to me for comfort and promised that we will share our lives, now have happy lives in the arms of others, and I was just the stepping stone towards that end...

You mentioned intuition in your OP too.. when we just know something, is it a gift, or a burden? How miserable it is to know you will be given a broken heart, yet still embrace someone so completely... :/

We fight to hold on, and we fight to let go. Someone very close to me told me that once.

I still am not sure if you're even reading this or if your responses are actually to me.

I'm in this unique position where I have to interpret your responses and guess. Because I am so strongly hoping for and wanting you to be reading this and responding to me or giving me something to talk about that you'd like to see me talk about, I am very bias and am critically challenged by the prospects of interpreting your potential responses.

I see them through the lens of "is it to me or not to me", and almost always think "it's to me" and that's because I'm so heavily invested into it. I simply don't have viable evidence to know for absolute sure you're reading and responding. I, at best, have coincidence, correlation, and circumstance.

What you posted today? That did not help me figure this out.
I understand what you meant by it, but it's about you not me. I love to know about you, so thank you. But please help me out here a little bit.

Within the next day or so could you please post like specifically 3 things, and have them somehow have something to do with me (and hopefully give me some sort of positive feeling as a result)? Like, maybe have a rainbow in one of them? Quote Rumi again with a rainbow in the background. That's all I want right now, is that confirmation that you know I'm writing all of this.

You know I write here, I've linked it dozens of times, I talked about it a lot. There's a high probability you'd be checking up on me fairly regularly out of basic curiosity. So let me know, please hon?

I'm feeling really terrible and like a complete idiot, and I'm afraid I'm gonna be screwed up all week and beyond. If you want to see me in a bright mood, energetic and vital, please fuel me with that confirmation. Explain more about how you feel and why you're hurting. Anything like this would be huge progress. Right now I'm thinking I'm sorta nuts like maybe I'm talking to no one at all except that 1 person who keeps starring what I write within 5 minutes of me posting it every time (which is freaky - you know who you are lol!).