Your worst one liner

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

Your turn.

Im not actually a "real" gynecologist.

I bought a rocket for the wife...shes over the moon....

Can I get a cup of milk?

a reply to: Underfire2

I don't know, can you?

I'm fantastic in bed, as soon as my head hits that pillow, I'm fast asleep.

your mother

I must be emotionally constipated because I haven't given a sh!t in days.

People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."

I dont wanna get your hopes up..... but if you played your cards right you just might get lucky

Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

If you don't make love to your wife and pet your dog, I could take them both from you.


You will lose a lot of money chasing women, but you will never lose a lot women chasing money.


If I was half as smart as I am, I would still be twice as smart as you.


I am not saying your dumb, I am just thinking it.

a reply to: Neith

"If girls were boogers, I'd pick you first"

Or, or...

"You can call me Nemo, because I'm never afraid to touch the butt"

a reply to: Sublimecraft

haha... Or you could switch it around

and say, If boys were boogers 'I'd pick you first'.

The second i will pass on.

Not mine but:

My father believed laughter was the best medicine. I guess that's why so many of us died of tuberculosis.

Deja Vu – When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

Why did God put men on the Earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

I'd slap you...but shat splatters.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

If you have a rattlesnake in one pocket and a broken condom in the other, dont f--- with either.

Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.

My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.

Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that # Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee nigas be evacuating like they need to.