a reply to: SyxPak
Thank you Syx! I wouldn't be proclaiming how wonderful I feel if I hadn't just endured months of depression, anxiety, stress, and letting my family
down............I am so accustomed to struggle that anything beyond feeling just OK, is like winning the lottery. I am getting this kick from my
newfound desire for health and success, and the simple fact that I will be employed.......
My point is I have learned I don't need much, literally seeing my family happy and with a roof over their heads is all I need to feel successful as a
man. The prospect of loosing a family really puts things into perspective.
I have another thing to really look forward to though. I have not lived sober for over 15 years. I worked my way through a long list of bad habits on
my way to this point in time. Each time I broke a habit I would replace it with something that eventually became as problematic as the one before.
I literally had to learn it all the hard way......not including the illegal stuff, I had several bouts of mental tug o war caused by anti-anxiety
meds and antidepressants...... Which barely preceded years of drinking that would have been perfectly at home on an episode of intervention.
A year ago I thought I was done but ended up having a big problem with Kratom which came as a godsend and left as nothing but regret..........
it was only a few weeks ago when I once again thought I had rid myself of all demons only to try the prescription medication "lyrica," I fell in love
as it worked wonders for my anxiety and depression.....
I knew damn well what I was getting into but had submitted to the influence of addiction. I become someone else and actually believe all my
justifications. It is madness.
....The lyrica may help if used properly but I don't think I am capable. It is too much like a benzodiazepine yet with an added potential for major
euphoria. In a matter of days that fades and the good feelings are replaced with the symptoms of drastic changes to the GABA In our brain. It feels
just like Benzodiazepine withdrawal which makes sense since those drugs target the same neurotransmitter.
I have to say, GABA drug withdrawals such as the ones attached to Xanax or lyrica, alcohol as well, for example, Are complete despair, it is a living
hell. Potentially fatal in severe cases.
You become uncomfortable in your own skin and like an unwelcome intruder within your own mind. It can leave a person completely stripped of their
life-force, and there is no way to tell how long it'll last. Anywhere from a few months to a few years. It is maddening living with a multitude of
utterly relentless symptoms while maintaining a sense of calm knowing a seizure could strike hard at any moment.
I recently emerged from this latest fog in a place I would call my rock bottom. My wife seemed to be infuriated with me to a level I have never seen.
I was confused and felt so stupid trying to make sense of the previous few days while being attacked as if I had just been caught cheating. I started
to feel withdrawals which left me feeling lost.
I couldn't believe I may have had messed up my GABA again. I recreated what I consider the worst time of my life, even tho I was somehow fortunate
enough to start feeling better after 12-14 days.
I was having a very difficult time trying to accept the reality, the worst part was I know I had exhausted all of my wife's patience with me always
feeling terrible, and I couldn't ever expect her to show sympathy or to have the energy to endure my problems again.......
Thank God those symptoms are fading rapidly, and I have my strength and motivation restoring.
I have had so much time with bad habits that I have developed a genuine disdain for all drugs. They stopped being my friends long ago and I won't miss
them or the time they had power over me.
The best possible artificial happiness now seems worthless, while sobriety and a happy family sound like the greatest drug of all. I have never felt
this way. I don't have cravings. I have never been so comfortable with giving those habits up. I have never wanted it this bad. It is an epic feeling
knowing I will be living with a clarity never before in my mind.
It'll be like a re-birth into a new mind and natural energy that I have never known. It'll be a fresh perspective where the lack of cravings and
addictive compulsive thoughts will be an extraordinary weight lifted from these shoulders. I have been maintaining a mostly drug addled life from age
fourteen in 01 until very recently. I am excited to be donions.
edit on 4-2-2017 by GoShredAK because: (no reason given)