After a grueling walk some 30 meters from the bar we came to a fully geared up Fiat Punto. It had blacked out windows, camouflage paintwork and it was
covered from roof to wheel in green webbing.
"Uh oh, looks like your car has been attacked by a giant spider." I said, genuinely concerned with a slight panic.
"Thats not a car, boy and that's not spider web. Its an All Nature Attack Launcher, or the A.N.A.T.L. What you really wanna be worried about is what I
saw yesterday on the trails before Blaine and Hawkins, my two dogs, had to go see the man upstairs." I was going to point out that his acronym had a
more obvious alternative, but I was afraid that he'd turned his dogs into Battleships, and possibly my next. "We'll get the bastard tonight..." he
He popped the boot of the Fiat A.N.A.L, sorry I mean A.N.A.T.L, and produced two Ghillie suits, a large jug of homebrew and two gert big sticks. We
dressed for the occasion and with a little help Patch's entire wheelchair was camouflaged.
"Sorry John" I said as I patted him on the head. "No camo for you".
"Here, he can have a chew. I made it from hide" Patch said as he threw a chew on the ground. John jumped at it nibbling away ferociously.
With sticks in hand we journeyed into the dense overgrowth.
Patch had a knack for this, he was truly in his element. He rolled past tree's sniffing the bark, down hills looking for tracks and above all, he was
enjoying every moment of it.
"See that?" he pointed at a small patch of blood beside a tree. "That's from him, the Big Man. He's here somewhere... watching us. The forest, it's
alive..." Patch whispered. "Remember, if it bleeds, we can kill it. Then turn it into beautiful Battleships".
I grabbed him by the wheels as he swigged at some homebrew and looked him directly in his eyes, or near his eyes (was hard to tell in his homemade
"Yesterday, what did you see? No more games!" I yelled as I shook him.
"I don't know what it was, it changed colours, like the chameleon. It uses the jungle." He explained between swigs of brew.
"Are you saying that Blaine and Hawkins were killed by a #ing lizard?" I yelled in panic.
"No" he replied "They went to my neighbors house in my apartment complex." as he gulped back the brown stuff.
Suddenly a horrifying shriek rang out across the dense forest, it's pitch almost unearthly.
"Stop squealing like a little sissy Beaversnout..." Patch said in a tone of distress. "What is it?"
"There's something moving in the overgrowth back there!... give me some of your courage" I said as I gestured towards his homebrew, picked it up and
took an extremely large swig. Things started to get hazy at this point onwards but I can recall it with pinpoint inaccuracy, which will have to do.
Patch, more steamed than a dumpling, as was I, rolled forward as fast as he could with stick raised high and a small hunting knife brandished in his
other hand. "Come on you bastard! I'm going to turn you into a fleet of frigates!"
In the uproar I ran forwards too in assistance of my new friend, and so did John, the three of us making more noise than a pigeon, but less noise than
a jumbo jet. We ran straight into the thicket and started blindly whacking everything in a 3 ft radius. We had to get the bastard, not sure why but
when you're this drunk anything seems like a good idea.
"I got 'im Patch, I got the big man!" I called out enthusiastically. Patch swung round and caught me with his beating stick, then realised the fight
was over and he didn't need to swing anymore. For good measure he hit me again.
"we got him!!! DRINK!" yelled Patch with maniacal laughter and tears streaming down his mutton chops.
We celebrated with a final last cheers of homebrew but it was already too much. Within 10 minutes we were out cold, nesting at the belly of the beast.
We awoke to police arresting us, accusing us of hitting a park ranger multiple times with wooden bludgeoning weapons. As we sat in the back of the
police vehicles after a long, cuffed trek, we discussed the evenings events and how we were certain we were being set up. They had The Big Man
After a long silence, John spoke up.
"Thanks for letting me ride on your wheelchair with you Patch, and for the biscuits." He murmured while adjusting his cuffed hands.
"No worries John, glad you had fun".
We were out the next day as the Park Ranger dropped the charges, Patch however was locked away for murder. Apparently he was charged with murdering a
basketball player and turning his thumb into a Battleship. John headed home to his wife and kids and I headed back to the next Battleship wednesday,
slightly more cautious this time however...
edit on 16/12/2016 by constant_thought because: (no reason given)