Humdrum Conundrum

a reply to: grainofsand

Honest friendships are extremely important and likely the basis to a successful marriage (although I wouldn't know).

It is very possible to remain very good friends while being in a perpetual state of enamorment. Truly caring for someone means you want the best for them, in my opinion, even if you are not the best for them.

Meh, my two cents.

a reply to: grainofsand

grainofsand,

The main reason I did not want to share my feelings with her, is that shes already got a heap of crap on her shoulders at the moment, regarding a prior relationship. Shes hurting, and the last thing you do to someone you care about, is make your problem, their problem, while their load is already too great for them to hold. All you can do legitimately, without being a selfish bastard, is prepare to help shoulder the load if you can, and keep your issues from adding to their burdens.

Its not a matter of fear, or a matter of things being spoiled. Shes my friend, thats never going away. But realistically, what kind of selfishness would I have to have, to insist that alongside the burden of her own baggage, she gets saddled with having to deal with my emotional situation too? I would not do that to a friend, leave alone anyone in whom I had any romantic interest.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

I like the ladies just fine Augustus, but you got my name wrong

a reply to: TrueBrit

You should take Therapists for $1,000.

originally posted by: TrueBrit
...things are WAY too complicated in BOTH our lives for different reasons, for either one of us to be in the best state to deal with anything happening at all.

I would like to add, as experienced within my own relationship - that 4 shoulders tend to carry complicated situations much easier than 2. Also, if someone can love you at your worst - they most certainly will love you at your best.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Its not a matter of fear, or a matter of things being spoiled. Shes my friend, thats never going away. But realistically, what kind of selfishness would I have to have, to insist that alongside the burden of her own baggage, she gets saddled with having to deal with my emotional situation too? I would not do that to a friend, leave alone anyone I was in whom I had any romantic interest.

Sorry to butt in again but, had to comment. I see where you are coming from True but, that's what friends do, IMO.
Share each others burdens and baggage. I'm sure she is able to decide what she can handle or not as far as emotions between the two of you. Give her some credit.
If she is not interested in you that way I imagine, being an adult, she can tell you. Or, if she is not ready to pursue a relationship she can tell you that as well. Wouldn't it be better/healthier for you both to put it out there and just know?

I've tried to help a friend for several months with some fairly heavy things and although parts of my life were falling apart, I knew what to share (I think) that he could hear without adding to his sadness and I was stronger than him at the moment.

Trying to help him deal with his burdens sort of helped me and that's what friends do, I think.

Either way, like I said, good luck friend.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Should have been more clear in the OP then.
If she's so emotionally distressed that you sharing your secret love would upset her further then you know the answer and didn't need to ask ATS.

I think you are too heavy and full on with the love thing and it doesn't surprise me you have been single so long.
Sheesh just have a pint with a girl and enjoy the fun of the moment without planning your wedding suit in your head while you're at the bar.

We're different folks though, no strings sex is not shameful or sordid between friends in my world, and platonic is just pretending that there is no serial attraction.
You would put off most girls I know, you know, girls who like a laugh not someone in a Cape serenading in the street outside their house.

Good luck though, they say there's someone out there for everyone apparently.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I give her a lot of credit.

But I also know her well. She needs friends more than she needs anything else either in her life or on her mind right now, which is why I am so aggravated with myself.

My usual course of action in similar circumstances it to say the wrong thing, make a total fool of myself and become a pariah in my entire social community.

There's also a negative side....

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: TNMockingbird

I give her a lot of credit.

But I also know her well. She needs friends more than she needs anything else either in her life or on her mind right now, which is why I am so aggravated with myself.

Well, don't beat yourself up too much. A lot of us have been there and you will, hopefully, come to it in your own way/time.

Acceptance that there can never be more than friendship (which isn't entirely bad) or, to save your own sanity, tell her and let the cards fall where they will.

I vote for telling her and if the feelings aren't mutual then enjoying the friendship and being perpetually enamored (it's not horrible either can be learned to live with) until someone who does feel for you, romantically, comes along.

a reply to: olaru12

HAHAHA!



Now that... that hit the spot!

a reply to: TrueBrit

I decided not to mention anything to her about how I feel, because it would needlessly complicate an already vexing situation,

Men. Women love when your honest about your feelings. If she continues to be available she is showing her desire for you.

Either that or shes a tease.

I doubt it though, shes even got her friends hinting at you.

Why don't you find out? You're not going to get anywhere keeping your feelings bottled up.

Maybe now is not the time to change the situation. Maybe now is the time to just be as you were... Things may become easier on both your ends and then who knows what will happen.

Keep in touch, let her know you're there in a subtle way. And just carry on as you were. You may feel weird but everything she has heard is merely hearsay until she hears it from you. And, as you mentioned, now is not the time for that.

a reply to: TrueBrit

some unconscious signal was released,

Pheromones Brit. You maybe be broadcasting like a 50,000 KW tower. What to do? Within the next few times you are in proximity and notice an intimate setting or interval in the swirling chaos around you, one where you find yourself with her alone, let her know that you would like her to tone down her natural feminine charms that radiate from her like the fragrence of a field of wild iris. That you have been reluctant of letting her know the degree to which she has begun to affect you for fear of losing the mutual platonic relationship already in existence.

You have been charmed Brit, knowingly or not. Charm her back.

I think you know the answer-at least in your heart. I admire that you are trying to protect your friend while she is fragile.

There really is nothing-at the moment-you can do if you truly are her friend. You have said her life is too complicated to deal with your emotions; something you can't always act on in a civilized society.
In time, perhaps, an opportunity will give rise to your acting on your emotional crush or maybe, with time, she may be able to offer you a romantic response, or maybe all will pass and you will crush on someone else.

Based on your update, keeping a lid while things are too hot-is the gentlemanly thing to do-after all, we are adults.

a reply to: TrueBrit

My advice is to stop having these deep meaningful conversations with her and gradually ease her out of your life.

Normally, I would suggest you just ask her out for a drink and take it from there, but I'm getting the impression that you are cock-a-hoop, head-over-heels in love with her. And you don't want to do anything which might jeopardise your regular chats.

You've got yourself into a bit of a mess. You are torturing yourself and the only sensible way forward is to stop seeing this woman. Otherwise it's a lose-lose for you.

If you ask her out she could (and likely would) blow you off - bang go the regular chats.

If you tell her of your feelings, probably one of two things will happen:

1. She runs for the hills.
2. Nothing changes but you kill any possibility of having a romantic relationship with her.

It's like coming off a drug. You wont feel better until you stop taking it.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Well, if the lady in question is in a state of chaotic emotional turmoil as you claim, then it's best to just leave it be (for now).

Let the ball be in her court to decide whether or not the feelings are mutual, and allow her to determine if and when would be a good time to approach the subject.

Give her the space she needs to iron out the wrinkles she's dealing with right now.

You guys are good friends, which means you're always in touch with each other on a regular basis.... so both you and her will know if (and when) that time to reveal all eventually brings itself to fruition... or not.

a reply to: TrueBrit

In my humble opinion there is no reason not to mention the way you feel.

If anything I would take information your friend gave you as the sign that now would be the time to do so. There is no point in ignoring it, because it very well may be reciprocated.

No need to concern yourself with her unresolved feelings for her ex, that is a useless worry. The potential between the two of you rests solely on your interaction. Given the way you have described your gentlemanly demeanor, you have no reason not to be honest.

I doubt that the results could be so catastrophic as you have described. Stand strong my friend, hesitation is something that comes from fear, courage sets the stage for all great experiences!

a reply to: TrueBrit

Before, I did not know that she knew. But now I know that she knows, would it be weird if I did not let her know, that I know, that she knows? Or is it better to just assume that she knows that I know, that she knows how I feel, and say nothing more about it? What is more, does any of that even make any bloody sense at all, because I am at the end of my tether entirely?

You should tell her that you know, that she knows, what you know, and you and your other buddies may know or suspect, and hint at knowing, what they know, of what you know, that she may know, or not know, and now "we" know as well. And by "we" I mean the few people who read this thread on ATS also know as well, what you know, and don't know, of what she knows, and does not know, or may hint about knowing on this whole situation.

As you can see its really quite simple to fix this problem, just follow them above instructions. Maybe you all can hit the pub or any such establishment were your from, and order up a pint of tea, and a gallon of bear, and a spot of whisky as well, and see were it goes from there. Or not. Do whatever dude, its a none issue. And I don't really know what you people drink up there.

Though maybe I do seriously think that you should in all seriousness and brashness, think concisely and prudently on the benefits of investing in a good set of monocles, and I said set as one is likely to break eventually. Then maybe get a haircut and trim, maybe even a top hat, then proceed to dazzle her with your knowledge of the price and farming of apricots in France and there subsequent relations to the trade of wine across the globe.

At the least you should change your avatar from to one of bearded hippy you downing whatever it is your downing in that glass, to monocle you downing whatever it is you would be downing then. Oh and also, you should use words such as chap, mate, ballucks, "don't know how to even spell that" and blimey more often when writing here on this site.

It would more better match your writing style. Just saying, your probably confusing people, and not just that one girl your talking about, but in general, online, plus it would be more funny. You asked for opinions, that's what I think and seeing the other thing is a none issue, I really do believe you should invest in a monocle.

I am sure others have given you there opinions here on this thread, fell free to ignore there's as they are of no import, but I would not ignore mine. Get a monocle, and all your problems will be solved, tiny things as they are....You can do it, just believe in yourself. Think how cool you would be if you had one and wore it from time to time? Really really cool, just do it already.

a reply to: TrueBrit

The thing is, I am not looking for anything to happen here.

And yet in your November thread you said...

Simply put, I have been ignored at best, and invisible at worst for the last four years now, in that particular regard,so I must either be doing something entirely wrong, or simply be, as I suspect, obsolete in today's world, with regard to my level of desirability.

And yet, I am the one that friends come to for advice when their relationships are collapsing, the one they turn to when the behaviour of their partner confounds them, the one they come to for support and input when they are having trouble telling a person how they feel about them, and indeed when they are having trouble extricating themselves from relationships they no longer want to be a part of, but cannot stop dipping their toes, and other things, back into for the sheer hell of it.

My life is so strange, so bizarre as a result, that even a woman in whom I have significant interest, despite our being two VERY different people in a whole host of very prohibitive ways, feels comfortable telling me about the eccentric orbit she is making away from her ex boyfriend, and how often that orbit finds her back in his bed, despite the ceasing of their relationship proper.She knows nothing of my feelings of course, because they are utterly ridiculous, and I am the polar opposite of her type, which, in combination with several other factors, renders my intense enjoyment of her company utterly irrelevant.

Sounds to me you do want a relationship but you are over thinking things. Just have fun and try it.

Whether this constitute's advice or opinion, whatever, life's too short. Give it a go.